Supporting your Husband

[Foxlily]

I too have had the "your husband treats you so harshly" scenario from friends

I haven't had those exact words said but I've certainly had funny looks and a few smart aleck comments.

My husband is the leader and it's his decision. If I want to do something I ask.

We met a woman the other day who was sad she was getting divorced and it didn't work out but he was super controlling and so she's happier now and that's all that mattered. No thought seemed to be given about the 2 children that were going to suffer from it all. All that mattered was SHE was happy. both of us we're deeply saddened..

 

[Joleneakamama]

I met a woman on the phone once that told me she was recently divorced. I said I was sorry, and she came back with "I'm not!" She was 82 and had just divorced her hubby over him wanting to borrow/invest HER money. He had already lost over a million of HIS money, and she didnt want to lose what she had earned and saved... and end up in a poor house.
It was a memorable conversation. She told me that years ago she had wanted to retire from retail store management after working 35 years, and he didnt want her to. I guess that had sent a message to her that the money mattered more then she did.

I wondered how this would impact their posterity. After thinking on it, my take away is that you should never take for granted your loved ones, and do your best to communicate that THEY are what matters to you. Because some will sadly throw away a marriage of 65 years, over money.....if they don't feel the love.

 

[Quest]

I am going to preface with its early and it has been a very long last week so my thoughts might come out a little jumbled.

I have noticed lately that supporting your husband is almost non existent in today’s society. Even the ladies that are hardcore LDS that I know don’t believe in true biblical relationships. (GOD, Husband, Wife, Children, the umbrella) We live in a small community and I don’t really know any other very religious women other than a few Catholics that rarely attend church and can’t have a biblical discussion so I know I am very limited in my overall view.

Saturday night I got a call at 10 asking if I could help a lady out by going and washing her dishes. She had a tragedy in the family the previous Monday and we had been going during the day and cleaning house but hubby felt that after a week we should give the family some space. And it was 10pm. I’m usually in bed by 8pm. I was about to say, I’m sorry my husband said I can’t go but instead said that my daughter wasn’t feeling well so I couldn’t make it.

The next morning I told my husband what had happened. (He was in bed asleep when they called) He said he was glad I didn’t go cause he would have been upset after telling me to let them have space.

I’m just wondering if any of you other women have had the same issue. My husband would not want me going on a 4 day girls only trip to Disney land, being out late on a weeknight, or not calling and checking in when I said I would be home but things ran longer. Not because he is a dictator but because he loves me and worries. He wouldn’t just be able to jump in the car and help if I got stranded in California. He would have to get up and loose very valuable sleep if anything happened when I was out late. (He has to be up for work most days at 2:30am others midnight) As for staying out after I said I would be home it’s just a common courtesy so he doesn’t have to worry. He gives me the same consideration. But, when I talk to my friends about it they just don’t get it. Their response is “I do what I want when I want. My husband doesn’t rule over me.” All I can think is it’s not about that it’s about consideration, and about following my husband lead. My emotions can lead me and he has an outside view that is much clearer. I put my trust in him to lead and he has always done an amazing job.

Anyway, I guess what I am trying to ask is am I alone in this? The only one who obeys my husband? The only one who can read the words biblical, patriarchy, and obey and not see them as evil and demeaning? Does anyone else ever feel alone in following/ obeying your husband? And how do you keep the peace with your friends and loved ones on this issue? When it would be easy to say “My husband said I can’t” what do you say instead?

To start: what on earth type of person calls at 10 pm to ask you to wash dishes?!?! Seriously, they can wait until the next day!

Secondly, I notice you never qualify whether these things are something YOU want to do. It is acceptable to use your husband as an excuse to get out of something you don't want to do (my husband uses me as an excuse since he's often the one getting asked favors). But, to not be allowed to do something that is meaningful to you because "my husband says no" is harmful to your own self-worth. You are more than capable of evaluating your own values and schedule and determining whether you are interested in doing the thing! You manage a household, you can manage your own life, too!

 

[Joleneakamama]

To start: what on earth type of person calls at 10 pm to ask you to wash dishes?!?! Seriously, they can wait until the next day!

Secondly, I notice you never qualify whether these things are something YOU want to do. It is acceptable to use your husband as an excuse to get out of something you don't want to do (my husband uses me as an excuse since he's often the one getting asked favors). But, to not be allowed to do something that is meaningful to you because "my husband says no" is harmful to your own self-worth. You are more than capable of evaluating your own values and schedule and determining whether you are interested in doing the thing! You manage a household, you can manage your own life, too!

Adult women can choose to order their lives and relationships in a way that acknowledges the headship and authority of the husband.
You can choose differently, but should be respectful of others choices.
So far all I have seen you do is be critical of others. If you are against the concepts of patriarchy and/or polygyny why are you here? Just curious.

 

[Delta]

Don't forget though that men are told to love their wives, we don't really know what life was like for them. As a child of divorced parents, I know what tension can be like and it flows through the whole house. I left home because of it. I was suffered because they stayed together. Their relationship was toxic. Yes, they could have chosen to fix it but they didn't. And, I respect her choice. It is her exercising her free will... it isn't our place to judge if she is right or wrong.

I'm also probably going to be the odd one out by saying, yes submit, but we have brains, were allowed to have opinions and thoughts and I think part of the husband's job is to hear and respect those thoughts and opinions.

I'm trying to think of some weird example, like (in our house) he can't just decide that I can't wear green because it isn't his favorite colour, but I would value him saying 'I prefer you wear blue, it suits your skin tone better, or brings out your eyes' or whatever. That hasn't actually happened. But that's kind of my point.

 

[Quest]

Adult women can choose to order their lives and relationships in a way that acknowledges the headship and authority of the husband.
You can choose differently, but should be respectful of others choices.
So far all I have seen you do is be critical of others. If you are against the concepts of patriarchy and/or polygyny why are you here? Just curious.

I'm here out of curiosity, just like you are since you're curious about my intentions instead of just assuming that I know what I'm doing. I AM respectful of OP's choices, hence why I asked HER if it actually was her desire to stay home. She doesn't say explicitly what she wants, but is here wanting to know if she chose correctly indicating that she doesn't actually know what she wants.

 

[Quest]

Don't forget though that men are told to love their wives, we don't really know what life was like for them. As a child of divorced parents, I know what tension can be like and it flows through the whole house. I left home because of it. I was suffered because they stayed together. Their relationship was toxic. Yes, they could have chosen to fix it but they didn't. And, I respect her choice. It is her exercising her free will... it isn't our place to judge if she is right or wrong.

I'm also probably going to be the odd one out by saying, yes submit, but we have brains, were allowed to have opinions and thoughts and I think part of the husband's job is to hear and respect those thoughts and opinions.

I'm trying to think of some weird example, like (in our house) he can't just decide that I can't wear green because it isn't his favorite colour, but I would value him saying 'I prefer you wear blue, it suits your skin tone better, or brings out your eyes' or whatever. That hasn't actually happened. But that's kind of my point.

I saw a post elsewhere where that nonsense about color of clothes was discussed in the comments section! Yes, there is a woman in this world who isn't allowed to ever wear her favorite color!

I don't understand what you mean by: "we don't really know what life was like for them." Do you mean us not knowing about OPs family history? Or about wives not knowing their husbands history?

Because the latter is a big issue! Yes, individuals have backgrounds and some are very tough. Everyone has triggers. But, part of being married is discussing these backgrounds and triggers and working together to get through them.

A husband who is so triggered by whatever that his wife is forbidden from pursuing a reasonable hobby is abusive. Hook, line, and sinker!

 

[Littles]

I never meant in any way to imply that my husband makes me do things or doesn't allow me to do things. I am one of those people who will wear myself out for everyone else and have nothing for myself. Many times I am found away from the house being a listening ear, cooking, cleaning, caring for others who for whatever reason "cant do things for themselves" Most of the time I am doing so much I a enabling them and I have not enough energy for my family or myself. I do it to the point of putting my health in danger for others to have a clean house.

My husband saw that in me from the very first time we met. He has been one of the very few people to show me that it is ok to put myself first. That my health and time are worth something. It took me the first few years that we were together for me to get that.

I feel like so many women want to play the "he cant tell me what to do card". Most treat their friends and co workers with more respect than their own spouse. I believe your spouse should be your best friend. And the way I see people treat their best friend appalls me. Lying, disregarding each others feelings, and plain ole disrespect. It makes me sick. My husband is my best friend and as such we both show each other respect, and consider the others feelings in all things.

 

[Delta]

I saw a post elsewhere where that nonsense about color of clothes was discussed in the comments section! Yes, there is a woman in this world who isn't allowed to ever wear her favorite color!

I don't understand what you mean by: "we don't really know what life was like for them." Do you mean us not knowing about OPs family history? Or about wives not knowing their husbands history?

Because the latter is a big issue! Yes, individuals have backgrounds and some are very tough. Everyone has triggers. But, part of being married is discussing these backgrounds and triggers and working together to get through them.

A husband who is so triggered by whatever that his wife is forbidden from pursuing a reasonable hobby is abusive. Hook, line, and sinker!

I was speaking in response to foxlilys post. I was sharing about what it was like to grow up wishing my parents would be happy. And if they couldn’t be happy together that they would be happy apart.

And in reference to the clothing colour. I was speaking about what things are like in our house and how they work for my husband and I. I was suggesting that if he came to me saying 'I prefer you wear blue, it suits your skin tone better, or brings out your eyes' or whatever would be better received and from my perspective rooted in the love that men are called to show their wives. It is my opinion that it would not be loving to decide against a colour simply for the sake of having control.

 

[Tirtza]

My husband is the same way with me and sw. But he just worries if he isn't with us or somewhere close. He feels it is his duty to care for us and protect us. If we go somewhere let him know we made it. If we are going to be late let him know. When we are on the way home let him know. If we are going somewhere and he feels we shouldn't there is a reason. It is not him trying to rule us but to protect us. Alot of people and women do not understand this.
Hope this helps. And.your not alone