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Supporting a Deadbeat

steve said:
I could tell you a story, but I won’t write it because it is way too long and complicated.
Highlights:
When he finally got a job, he got canned for not showing up for two days during his second week.
He has cost us over $3000 in cash.
It ended with him holding a gun to Karin’s head and forcing her to drive him to where he wanted to go......except that it hasn’t ended.
Are we having fun yet? Redefine fun and we are all over it. :)
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Wow! Sorry to hear of that adventure. Honestly, stories like that make me very leery of helping people that I do not know very well, and even then....
 
PeteR said:
Wow! Sorry to hear of that adventure. Honestly, stories like that make me very leery of helping people that I do not know very well, and even then....
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One thing to be especially leery of is letting someone onto your property for more than, in our area, three days.
It takes a court order to evict them here. It can take a loooong time, months.

I was blessed by receiving the idea to offer the rental of two weeks in a weekly rent motel. He fell....er...jumped for it and I got him off of the property.
 
@rockfox
There may indeed be two sides to every story.
But I'm not asking about the 'other side'.
I'm asking how you (or anyone) would suggest dealing with and discerning someone who IS a deadbeat.
 
If someone is capable of doing something productive; mowing the lawn, splitting firewood, inputting data on the computer, cooking dinner, or whatever you have that produces a beneficial result, then give the worker what he or she is due. If the person won't work, he or she is due nothing. It is written; "The laborer is worthy of his wages." Give what is due for work done. Nothing less but the principal applies; no work, no eat. And DON'T forget to read out loud boldly the words of Deut. 21:18-21 and tell your deadbeat kid you believe it is a father's duty keep the commandments.
 
frederick said:
Edit: I'm only half joking in the last statement.
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Ya, possibly a little harsh. But I did tell my daughter one time if she didn’t want to help prepare the meal or help clean then she didn’t eat dinner. Caused issues, but she finally helped. Five years later, and she is coming over Tuesday with the grandkids while I fix something on her car. Knowing her now, she’ll keep me in coffee and make lunch for me.

Do the tough stuff now for the windfall that will come later.
 
EternalDreamer said:
@rockfox
There may indeed be two sides to every story.
But I'm not asking about the 'other side'.
I'm asking how you (or anyone) would suggest dealing with and discerning someone who IS a deadbeat.
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I have had some success helping actual deadbeats by having super honest conversations with them. It has to be one on one, it has to be sincere and I had to be careful to listen well and ask questions before responding or correcting.

The people I have done this with have gone one of two ways.

1.) A couple guys used it as a start to repentance. They had lots of personal fears and even fears about how the world works. They were using those fears as an excuse not to take the steps they did know would help. The end of the conversation from my side ended up basically being "there are always gonna be difficulties, that is tuff, and you still have to keep on taking the next step to improve your situation. There is usually always something you can do even if you can't control the outcome."

2.) Some of the guys get very uncomfortable when you tell them you want to see them do well and you want to hear about where they are currently. The more you open the floor the more uncomfortable. Several of these have ended with "hey thanks I see what your trying to do, but I'm good" i almost never hear from those guys again. They disappear after that conversation.

I don't completely know why it always seems to go one of those two ways, but opening the floor and having the conversation seems fruitful.

I am willing to be very blunt during these conversations but only after I hear someone out.
 
EternalDreamer said:
But I'm not asking about the 'other side'.
I'm asking how you (or anyone) would suggest dealing with and discerning someone who IS a deadbeat.
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Well you presented a situation that easily could have been an other side situation asking what to do. So yes, how to discern is important.

steve said:
Starting a business might be his only option.
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True, but the churchians will still be, "he needs to quit and get a real job". Because most businesses do not make money overnight, even though they require full time input.

Truck driving is still a good option, though there is a high burnout rate. This will change soon due to robotics though.

I knew a church once that would do a 1 time help of money to those in a tough spot, but they asked the person to do some 'volunteer' work first. Basically help with things the church otherwise was doing to help out people, widows and such. Basically that sorted out those just looking for free handouts.
 
EternalDreamer said:
I have a friend who's sibling lives with their parents, doesn't work, doesn't do anything, just sits around watching tv
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There is a deeper problem here than a deadbeat kid, a kid who could be working but instead lazes around the house. The root problem here is the parents; a father who lost his balls somewhere along the way (probably in mom's purse). Sure maybe the kid is lazy, but if the parents have a problem with that they should instruct him otherwise. If he doesn't do that his problem is not laziness but disobedience to parents; which would get him kicked out. Why is there even a boob tube in the house? A greater cause of lazy kids and housewives has not been invented yet.

This would never be a problem around my house. Everyone who is able to contributes to their own upkeep; whether it be to cleaning, laundry, childcare, growing food, chopping wood or whatnot. And it is that way from the time they can physically able. They are hardworking and listen to their parents.

This situation is a symptom, not just of gutless parents, but of a society that sees childhood as nothing but play where the parents do ALL the work; whether that be in the house or bringing in money. Parents as servants to the spoiled child. No reason for that dynamic to change once the child reaches an arbitrary age (esp. since that age is way too high and the kid experienced being infantalized at an age he was mentally and physically able to take on greater responsibility than allowed).

The result? Spoiled, entitled kids with no work ethic who don't know how to do laundry, cook for themselves, or take care of any of their basic needs. Basically not even fully functional humans. You can get away with that in today's world with fast food and rentals and welfare whatnot but a 150 years ago a person so trained would not survive.
 
Pacman said:
I’m steeling this line...
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It's a good line in general, but in this specific case it esp true as often the mother babies the kid, lets him get away with stuff and generally keeps the dad from being stricter. Especially since dad has very little influence on the raising of the child since he's gone most of the day (lest he be a deadbeat). Most boys these days are raised by mom with very little masculine influence, even if the family is intact since dad has to work 40-60 hours/week to make ends meet.

Although, sometimes it is the opposite and mother is stricter. Esp. when it comes to daughters.
 
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