• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

New and I need advice

I have learned through going through a lot of trauma and injustice that what we perceive as a wrong against us, and maybe it is, sometimes turns out to be the very thing that brings us our greatest blessings and just what we needed. Sometimes the one wronged ends up with the most reward from the event! You may find this turns out to be an advantage for you. Not saying you will, but be open to the possibility. Don't ever be closed to any opportunity life throws at you because you might miss out on something amazing. Pretty much everything I have accomplished in life that others may perceive as dreams come true, did not happen out of choice on my part, but basically was me making lemonade out of lemons. My life started out harder than most and I was exposed to a lot of trauma from the time I was little. It might seem to some when they hear my life story that I have really bad luck, but I look at it as God engineering my life so I can experience the ultimate pleasures! It might look like I have had control in the direction of my life when you look at my accomplishments, but honestly I have had zero control and didn't choose most of what happened to me, but all the good things that people see now are a direct result from all the things I didn't choose.
 
Last edited:
JustUs2 said:
something I did not sign up for.
Click to expand...

Oh, this phrase. I don’t know a wife, who’s husband brought up the idea of plural marriage, that hasn’t said or thought those very words.. I’ve been there and still am at times.

I can tell you are defensive, angry and broken. I’ve been there. I can’t tell you why our men have bigger hearts than most. I can’t tell you why we as wives, to these men, get to face the biggest challenge and mindset shift of our lives. I can’t tell you the times I wished my husband has a monogamous mindset. I don’t know why God drew his heart in this area. I don’t know why God brought us here. I can’t tell you why, but I can tell you that I have never grown personally as deeply as I have over the 3 years this has been in my life. You may not have signed up to be in plural marriage, but you did sign up to be his wife, to let him lead you, and you did (in becoming his wife) agree to submit to him. Wether you continue you to follow God’s command for you to submit to your husband or not, that’s up to you. I can promise you that this is not an easy journey, it has many dark, dark valleys. The tears and utter heartache will be overwhelming. The sense of losing everything you hold dear- a monogamous marriage, friendships, a sense of identity, your worth, and control. I’ve been there, I understand. It’s been one of the hardest things in my life and many of the women here would agree. But, the growth that comes from this journey is worth it. You can’t see it now, but if you dig in and allow God to work on your heart, you will too. Lose control and allow your husband to grow and lead.

Submission isn’t submission if you only go along because it’s something you want to do. Submission is when you don’t agree but follow anyway.
 
Oh goodness, this is a hard place to be. I understand so much of what you’re going through, My husband also promised me monogamy, he also betrayed my trust several times and has in the past been less then honest about things polygyny related. I understand how hard it is to accept this lifestyle when you’re in so much pain and you don’t trust your husband (I’ve definitely been there). I would like to humbly point out that the affair your husband had was 3 years ago, and I know it’s hard, but I don’t think you’ve fully forgiven him for it. For a long time I told myself that I was in the right to say no because my husband had a drinking problem, he was angry and dealing with his own demons. But when I finally let go and submitted, that’s when God made huge changes in our marriage. My husband stopped drinking, he’s not the angry ass he was before, he became so much more loving, gentle, and attentive then he Ever was before. It’s really amazing what happens when BOTH spouses walk in Gods way. I know it’s not easy to let go of the pain of betrayal, and it’s even harder to submit to someone who’s hurt you in the past. it’s so much easier to simply point at your husbands shortcomings than it is to honestly examine your heart. If you want your sins to be erased and forgiven then you have to be willing to forgive those who have sinned against you. I would suggest you take some time alone and really search your heart with an open mind, not just your side of things, but his as well. And really dig into the pain that you’re feeling, because if what your husband wants isn’t a sin, and you’d have no problem with others who want live this life, than maybe how you’re reacting is (while perfectly understandable) selfish and not of God. Please know I say this with love and not judgement.
 
JustUs2... I just wanted to let you know we here have bigger than big hearts. We are all a family and want to be here to hold you, just as your heavenly Father is holding you right now in all your pain. He is catching your tears.

We love you and you have prayers going out for you that are unbelievable.
 
Welcome to Biblical Families! I wish it was under happier circumstances, and you were enjoying the poly positive environment here.

I'm one of the minority that was very ok with the thought of "sharing" my life and family with another woman before my husband was even satisfied it was moral.
That was over 17 years ago.

We each have to accept what God has for us. I have had to learn not to wish I had the help or support that I imagine a sisterwife might afford, and trust that God and my dear husband know best.

I have never fit in anywhere anyway, and so have little to lose. I'd rather have another adult family member then fair weather judgmental friends and aquaintences. I'd rather be hated for who I am, then loved for who I'm not....and I think my hubby is wonderful no matter who thinks different, or what woman may second my high opinion of the man and want to be his partner too.

I used to think and even say "I didn't sign up for this" but I did, and I don't regret my decision. I am still working on submission myself...I still mess up sometimes. You mentioned women today not needing protection and on that I beg to differ. I did a stupid yesterday that compromised hubby's Verizon account, and he had to spend hours on the phone with the. Customer service fraud dept. He would not have made that mistake. Another example would have been my sister in labor years ago. God inspired her husband with what she needed to do to get the baby past her hips and pelvis, but he didn't think he knew anything and she had four hours of intense painful labor she might have been spared had he trusted the prompting.
God's order has nothing to do with who is smarter, and everything to do with who God has authorized to be in that leadership position.

I am still learning to stay in my "happy place" where the peace and blessings are. I'm thankful for grace.

Life is not easy. Tests are hard. Growth takes work.
A good verse to stand on is "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Sometimes it is amazing what He makes possible in and through us.

If you don't feel now that you are on solid ground and can stand any storm....don't you want Him to show you what isn't rock?
 
Welcome! We are glad you are here!

I could say a lot about what you have posted, but I think it would be better coming from and better recieved from the fine ladies on this board.

I do have one question. You say that your husband is already on here? That is very good! May I ask who he is (his screen name)? Is that a fair question? I always get mixed up who people are and I like to try to keep things straight.
 
cnystrom said:
Welcome! We are glad you are here!

I could say a lot about what you have posted, but I think it would be better coming from and better recieved from the fine ladies on this board.

I do have one question. You say that your husband is already on here? That is very good! May I ask who he is (his screen name)? Is that a fair question? I always get mixed up who people are and I like to try to keep things straight.
Click to expand...
I think he is @JustUs
 
Welcome @JustUs2! I know this is a difficult and confusing time. There is always a fall out that has to be dealt with when dishonesty is involved. I pray that you will be able to talk with your husband about it and eventually forgive him. I suspect he is dealing with a lot of emotional things himself about changing his life, too. Plural marriage is not for the faint of heart. It requires men to be better men and hopefully better husbands. It requires women to do the same. I agree with the other posters who say, if it isn't plural marriage then it will be something else that brings us to our knees. God seems to have a way of throwing things in our paths to help us grow closer to Him. Granted, we have the ability to choose to walk farther away from Him, too. I hope you will consider everyone's post sincerely.

As for me, the cost of following my husband was to give up the dream I had about living all my days in the Church. I am, by nature, a server. I desired to serve the Church and it's people. Of course, this would come with many self affirming things. How else was I going to feel valuable and needed! So, after my husband told me of his plans to marry another women and that he believed it was of God, all I could focus on was the loss of that dream. How my he and I were going to be leaders in the Church, my children were going to grow up with awesome church kids, and we were going to do "God's work" all our lives (with in the Church, of course.) My whole purpose for my life was being taken away by my husband who wanted to do this crazy, "go against the Church and no less society" thing. So, one day in prayer, trying to hear from God what I should do, He asked me, "Julie, is the Church more important than me?" Well, I had to take a few minutes to think about that. I had lived almost my entire life loving and believing in God, but somehow along the way I made my value, my purpose, come from the things I did for the Church and not from my Heavenly Father. I had told Him I would do and go anywhere he needed me to go. I just forgot to clarify that it should be within the approval of the modern Church. Well, obviously, I choose to follow my husband. I put away that Idol and a few others in my heart so I could see God more clearly than I had ever seen him. Has it been an easy road? No, but I don't know anyone who has truly had an easy road in life. Has it shown me the true place to gain my value and purpose? Yes! My relationship with God has only grown since that day He asked me that question. My relationship with my husband is also much more than it ever would have been if we had not changed the course of our lives and followed what we believed to be His will. We all have Idols of some sort or another. Yours might not be the Church but I suspect whatever it is God is asking you if it is more important than following Him, following your husband.

I don't know if plural marriage is what God desires for your family, but I am pretty sure that He is asking you to grow in your relationship with your husband and Him thru just the idea of it. I will be praying that you understand and grab hold of all that you should during this season of change. Also, if you ever desire to talk feel free to start a conversation with me.
 
JustUs2- I would recommend keeping mum towards your husband about your hesitation, because it sounds like he's already heard it all from you. I think you should pray and be open to what our Heavenly Father may have to say to you. Like Julieb said, I had moments in my walk, when my Heavenly Father corrected me in how I treated my husband, and idols that I placed in front of my Heavenly Father. It may be that you are not meant to be in a poly marriage, but for sure you are meant to be with your husband, whether he decides to have one wife or more.

There was a time early on in my marriage, when I wondered if my husband was backsliding because he accepted a can of beer from the neighbor lady while working outside. She was not the most virtuous of ladies, and that may have added fuel to the fire, but the fire started because I had nearly sworn off alcohol having had a childhood with an alcoholic step father. I would literally cringe at the sound of a beer can or bottle opening. I almost left. Went to a hotel to think and pray. I heard my Heavenly Father say, "Is this how you are going to treat the husband I gave you?" You see, I had been wondering if marrying him was a mistake. Had I married an unequal yoke? But Yah's reply gave me peace, He assured me that this husband I had was given me by my Heavenly Father. He was an equal yoke, and I couldn't find a Scripture saying our marriage was forbidden in the first place. That meant my vows stood. Even if he was backsliding, and he wasn't, as I was totally overreacting, but even if he was, the vow I made was for better or worse, for richer or poorer, sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do us part. Backsliding is not death parting us, and certainly a beer on a hot day while working on the house is not. I now have no issue with my hubby drinking alcohol a few times a week, and I partake of some with him occasionally myself, because I know me, my husband, and my Bible better than I did 12 years ago, and I know we are not in danger of becoming drunken or alcoholics.

Be careful about questioning your husband's motives about his openness about or even desire to have another wife. Only our Father in Heaven really knows our hearts. Don't think you do, even if your husband sinned in the past with fornication a few years ago while you were married. Maybe his motives were wrong originally, which may have led to sexual sin, and maybe he realizes that now and sees he needs to go about it a different way. If your husband sexually sinned with a woman, has he at any point since then confessed and repented? He must have if he's not jumped into another sexual relationship, right? Sometimes, our Father in Heaven just wants us to be open to a possibility, because like Julieb said, your public image, job, or church may have become an idol in your life that is preventing you from making just and Biblical judgements about polygynists, your own husband, and though you may not realize it, our Heavenly Father. Each one of us is a bride of Christ. Yes, we are one body, but as individuals, we each have our own relationship with our Heavenly Husband. Yah has more than one wife. If you can cope with that, maybe you can start there in your struggle with the idea of plural wives.

By the way, I'm an only wife, too, and my husband is open to more than one wife, but I was the first to bring up to my husband just over 5 years ago that maybe the Old Testament concept of plural wives was never made illegal in the New Testament, after a long night of Scripture study. My husband is in no hurry to take another wife, though he would like to have more children, and I cannot have anymore than the 2 I gave him. Every once in a while we talk about adoption, or surrogacy, or adding another wife, but we haven't recently actively been seeking either of those roads because we have been focusing on becoming better spouses to each other and better parents to the children we have been blessed with. We just remember that if we put the Kingdom first, all the rest will be added unto us, and it really is coming to pass in our lives. Feel free to PM me. Not sure if I can send PMs...
 
enlargeourtents said:
By the way, I'm an only wife, too, and my husband is open to more than one wife, but I was the first to bring up to my husband just over 5 years ago that maybe the Old Testament concept of plural wives was never made illegal in the New Testament, after a long night of Scripture study. My husband is in no hurry to take another wife, though he would like to have more children, and I cannot have anymore than the 2 I gave him. Every once in a while we talk about adoption, or surrogacy, or adding another wife, but we haven't recently actively been seeking either of those roads because we have been focusing on becoming better spouses to each other and better parents to the children we have been blessed with. We just remember that if we put the Kingdom first, all the rest will be added unto us, and it really is coming to pass in our lives. Feel free to PM me. Not sure if I can send PMs...
Click to expand...

I agree so much with this sediment. My husband and I, even five years ago, were not in a place that it would've been good to bring a second wife into the picture. Though I didn't really realize it, rockfox has been working to improve our marriage and now I'm finally grasping what's going on and am coming along at a faster rate. It may sound odd, but really I get complacent and can think things are fine when really there is all kinds of room for improvement. A solid first marriage, though not always there and still works out, I believe can make adding a second wife easier. Maybe? Since we've not been blessed as such so far I can only speculate and interpolate from posts of women who have gone through it.
 
@JustUs2, a lot of good advice has been given here. I would only add that, if you're wanting to talk to people for advice in private, I'd recommend talking first to those who have navigated these waters successfully. I'd recommend @julieb in the first instance as she has already posted on this thread, and leads the women's ministry here so has seen it all, both good and bad, in others lives as well as her own. She'll be able to sympathise with your predicament better than you can imagine. I would strongly recommend you reach out to her and seek her counsel in preference to anybody else's.
 
Well it might have been a slam if writing on a web site had had anything at all to do with speaking in a church in the first place...
 
Jennifer said:
And how does this comment help the situation?
Click to expand...
It doesn’t nor was it intended to.
I just found the wording extremely humorous.
So sorry that you don’t.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top