My whole world just turned upside down

[steve]

I saw that by desiring other women I had devastated my wife!

I had utterly broken her heart, a thousand times over.

Something was bothering me about this thread and I went back and read it over. The two statements above, and the underlying belief, is what grabbed me, because it touches on what I have been through.

Back story; I had been in a partnership that had failed and I spent 5 years paying off back taxes. During that time our two children went from private Christian school to homeschooling, and then to public High School.
In trying to keep from having my wife work, so that she could be with the kids, I was averaging over 60 hours a week in spite of taking a two week vacation and taking the family snow skiing every Monday afternoon during the winter.
The bottom line is that my wife’s divorced girlfriends convinced her that I wasn’t paying enough attention to her and one night she announced that “Our relationship is killing me, and I can no longer live with you”.
She informed me that she would be in our apartment during the day, but she would leave when I got home from work (mostly 10 pm or later) and stay with a girlfriend during the night.
Not knowing what else to do, I just packed up and moved into my van in order to avoid the hassle. That was the end of our marriage.

The thing is, it wasn’t our relationship that was killing her, it was her reaction to her disappointment about not having her expectations met that was “killing her”.
Are you starting to see where I’m going here?
It’s great that you are acknowledging the fact that you were out of balance, but you weren’t devastating her or breaking her heart. Her reaction to not having what she wanted was doing that to her.

Had I had the understanding then that I have today, I could have helped my wife through that period without feeling that my only choices were to either give up on the marriage or cave to her emotions and become that “servant leader” that she was so desperate for.

Zec brought up the idea that appeasement isn’t fruitful and he is spot on.
Brother, I took one ditch. Be careful that you aren’t taking the opposite one.
Like myself, you will pay for it for the rest of your life. Just in a different way. I’ve seen it happen.

 

[MeganC]

Zec brought up the idea that appeasement isn’t fruitful and he is spot on.

Appeasing wrongdoing people encourages them to commit more wrong.

 

[julieb]

Appeasing wrongdoing people encourages them to commit more wrong.

The hard thing is that too many women don't believe they are wrongdoing. So many other people around them are telling them that they have every "right" to feel heart broken or jealous. @Bartato, I am a big believer in walking in having balance about almost everything in life. I am glad that on one hand you allowed God to show you an off balance about your desires for a second wife. You are certainly not the first man to go down that road. But on the other hand, for you to say that you don't think it is sinful but would never encourage anyone to pursue it speaks of double mindedness. The thing is you are very capable to adjust your emotional zeal to something more balanced. It would have been great if your wife had the insight to say to you, "Honey, I feel like I am being left in the dust regarding this second wife search. Can't we slow it down a bit? Maybe work on building our relationship more because I could really use the encouragement that I am still important to you as we are searching for someone else to join the family." The emotional journey wives have to take would still be there but I suspect she would have been able to have you help her with it more if you were more in a balanced mindset. Praying that God shows you both the things that are needed for this time.

 

[Bartato]

Something was bothering me about this thread and I went back and read it over. The two statements above, and the underlying belief, is what grabbed me, because it touches on what I have been through.

Back story; I had been in a partnership that had failed and I spent 5 years paying off back taxes. During that time our two children went from private Christian school to homeschooling, and then to public High School.
In trying to keep from having my wife work, so that she could be with the kids, I was averaging over 60 hours a week in spite of taking a two week vacation and taking the family snow skiing every Monday afternoon during the winter.
The bottom line is that my wife’s divorced girlfriends convinced her that I wasn’t paying enough attention to her and one night she announced that “Our relationship is killing me, and I can no longer live with you”.
She informed me that she would be in our apartment during the day, but she would leave when I got home from work (mostly 10 pm or later) and stay with a girlfriend during the night.
Not knowing what else to do, I just packed up and moved into my van in order to avoid the hassle. That was the end of our marriage.

The thing is, it wasn’t our relationship that was killing her, it was her reaction to her disappointment about not having her expectations met that was “killing her”.
Are you starting to see where I’m going here?
It’s great that you are acknowledging the fact that you were out of balance, but you weren’t devastating her or breaking her heart. Her reaction to not having what she wanted was doing that to her.

Had I had the understanding then that I have today, I could have helped my wife through that period without feeling that my only choices were to either give up on the marriage or cave to her emotions and become that “servant leader” that she was so desperate for.

Zec brought up the idea that appeasement isn’t fruitful and he is spot on.
Brother, I took one ditch. Be careful that you aren’t taking the opposite one.
Like myself, you will pay for it for the rest of your life. Just in a different way. I’ve seen it happen.

That is a good point Steve. I am responsible for wrong conduct on my part, and I have done real harm.

Simultaneously, women frequently have inaccurate and unbiblical expectations, and husbands are not responsible for everything that their wives "feel".

 

[Rose of Sharon]

I have read through this completely today. I am hesitant to write things or voice my opinion of late but here it goes... I see that your intention for your wife is a good and you are sensitive to her feelings. What we don’t see is what her intentions are and who she is. We as humans, big or small can throw temper tantrums to get what we want. It takes maturity, wisdom, and knowing that the Husband is over his wife and the Father is in control. I know that I don’t question my husband when he means business. Is your wife truly hurt or is she throwing a fit to manipulate you and get what she wants. Now I am not saying that she is doing the later because we don’t know her. That’s a question that you really need to ask yourself. If you were making this an idol thing, then that is between you and The Father but in no way should you feel guilty when you and your wife has this conversation of having another wife. It is not a sin to desire or have other wives but it is a sin to let your wife make the ultimate decision on what goes on in your household. I will leave this here for you to think about and walk away.

 

[frederick]

I have read through this completely today. I am hesitant to write things or voice my opinion of late but here it goes... I see that your intention for your wife is a good and you are sensitive to her feelings. What we don’t see is what her intentions are and who she is. We as humans, big or small can throw temper tantrums to get what we want. It takes maturity, wisdom, and knowing that the Husband is over his wife and the Father is in control. I know that I don’t question my husband when he means business. Is your wife truly hurt or is she throwing a fit to manipulate you and get what she wants. Now I am not saying that she is doing the later because we don’t know her. That’s a question that you really need to ask yourself. If you were making this an idol thing, then that is between you and The Father but in no way should you feel guilty when you and your wife has this conversation of having another wife. It is not a sin to desire or have other wives but it is a sin to let your wife make the ultimate decision on what goes on in your household. I will leave this here for you to think about and walk away.

I totally agree. Being able to stand back and be somewhat dispassionate as one evaluates a situation requires maturity and wisdom. People try to manipulate others through their emotional responses and we must be able to see that when it is occurring.

 

[cnystrom]

Regarding polygamy, I'm backing off my attack on it. The Bible treats it as marriage.

Exactly correct. We have a different word for it ("polygamy"), and think of it different;y because of our Western Civ heritage, but the Bible does not have a different word for it, and does not treat it as anything different.

 

[DustinM]

Polygyny certainly can become an idol for a man who isn't fully laser focused on pleasing God first... however, it seems based on this post that you may have just swung the pendulum too far the other way and made monogamy an idol.

The enemy has been working for 2000 years to convince us to adhere to standards of marriage that align with pagan false gods and pagan laws, and forbid others from honorable marriage options He gave us, and the enemy has done very well in that.

It's entirely possible that your passion for seeking another woman/women was lust/flesh driven, but that does not make polygyny an idol, your lust or desire to build and rely on your own strength would be the idol there. The LORD may have revealed polygyny to you for His reasons and the enemy may have convinced you to pursue it for his.

There are many Christian men with 1 wife only who struggle daily with desiring more than her, who don't have a clue about biblical polygyny, and not in a "I want to cover, provide and protect more than her for the rest of their life" kind of way. That has nothing to do with monogamy or polygyny. Though I would argue there are probably a good number of Christian men who struggle with the actual God given desire to cover more than 1, but process it as sinful/lustful because they don't know of or understand biblical polygyny, but that's another story.

It'd be one thing to admit you were using an honorable form of marriage (polygyny) to fulfill passions that were not honorable, and God corrected you on that before you acted on it, but you seem to have swung the pendulum the other way and started attacking one of God's forms of marriage, which I don't think is the right response, and I would argue it's possible that you still won't learn the lesson, as you perhaps could just make monogamy an idol or your wife an idol.

If your concern for your wife's feelings cause you to deny forms of marriage that God has given us, then who are you serving? It's possible to love your wife as yourself, follow God's instruction for you, never marry another, while never teaching that polygyny is against God's will, perhaps it's just not for you, or not for you... yet.

"Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each has his own gift from God, one in this way, and another in that." - 1 Cor 7

Final word, I don't get the sense that God gave us polygyny as an option for men to "collect wives", rather so that all God's women had the opportunity to choose and be married to a good man, teaching that monogamy is the standard without exceptions, will always lead to women without options.

 

[steve]

Final word, I don't get the sense that God gave us polygyny as an option for men to "collect wives", rather so that all God's women had the opportunity to choose and be married to a good man, teaching that monogamy is the standard without exceptions, will always lead to women without options.

 

[Joleneakamama]

My hubby's second was finding no good options anywhere, and no men at church were expressing interest.
She feels blessed to be here, and we feel blessed by them being part of our family.

 

[Bartato]

Polygyny certainly can become an idol for a man who isn't fully laser focused on pleasing God first... however, it seems based on this post that you may have just swung the pendulum too far the other way and made monogamy an idol.

The enemy has been working for 2000 years to convince us to adhere to standards of marriage that align with pagan false gods and pagan laws, and forbid others from honorable marriage options He gave us, and the enemy has done very well in that.

It's entirely possible that your passion for seeking another woman/women was lust/flesh driven, but that does not make polygyny an idol, your lust or desire to build and rely on your own strength would be the idol there. The LORD may have revealed polygyny to you for His reasons and the enemy may have convinced you to pursue it for his.

There are many Christian men with 1 wife only who struggle daily with desiring more than her, who don't have a clue about biblical polygyny, and not in a "I want to cover, provide and protect more than her for the rest of their life" kind of way. That has nothing to do with monogamy or polygyny. Though I would argue there are probably a good number of Christian men who struggle with the actual God given desire to cover more than 1, but process it as sinful/lustful because they don't know of or understand biblical polygyny, but that's another story.

It'd be one thing to admit you were using an honorable form of marriage (polygyny) to fulfill passions that were not honorable, and God corrected you on that before you acted on it, but you seem to have swung the pendulum the other way and started attacking one of God's forms of marriage, which I don't think is the right response, and I would argue it's possible that you still won't learn the lesson, as you perhaps could just make monogamy an idol or your wife an idol.

If your concern for your wife's feelings cause you to deny forms of marriage that God has given us, then who are you serving? It's possible to love your wife as yourself, follow God's instruction for you, never marry another, while never teaching that polygyny is against God's will, perhaps it's just not for you, or not for you... yet.

"Yet I wish that all men were even as I myself am. However, each has his own gift from God, one in this way, and another in that." - 1 Cor 7

Final word, I don't get the sense that God gave us polygyny as an option for men to "collect wives", rather so that all God's women had the opportunity to choose and be married to a good man, teaching that monogamy is the standard without exceptions, will always lead to women without options.

Thank you DustinM. That was a helpful post with some good insights. I think you are on to something. It's not so much that polygamy was an idol to me (or even monogamy now). It is more a matter of me not placing all my hope and confidence in the LORD (my Master and Savior Jesus Christ and our Father in Heaven).

I was putting some confidence in my power, my ability, my flesh, seeking something within the legal framework of Creation, but still chasing after the wind Ecclesiastes style.

God absolutely demands monogamy in my relationship with my Head, Jesus Christ. I am to learn to trust to Him in everything, submit entirely to Him, and follow Him alone. I belong to Him.

Being a slave of Christ, I am to likewise lead and care for that which He has entrusted me. He has given me my wife, and I am to reflect Christ in my relationship with her.

I follow Christ and lead and love my wife. She submits to and follows me in accordance with her submitting to and following Christ.

I believe that I am to seek Christ alone, and not seek additional wives. The Lord however is God and He is free to do as He pleases. I will seek to faithfully lead, and love all that my Master is pleased to give me.

 

[smilingjack]

6. I saw that God only gave one woman to Adam. I now believe that monogamy is His original intention for mankind. In the Garden of Eden, marriage was monogamous.

That doesn't mean that polygamy is adultery (God also somehow gave multiple wives to David), and blessed many polygamous men . Still, polygyny only exists in the broken fallen world after Genesis three.

I would prefer that my marriage be more Genesis 2 and less Genesis 3.

I am saddened to hear about your marital troubles and I genuinely hope you experience the closeness and healing you need to feel at peace within your marriage. Headship can be a tremendous burden. In your weakness, I pray that you will find the help you need.