Just a straight answer please

[Scoop]

New here but not new to the polygyny concept. So my wife and I after going on this journey of understanding are now talking somewhat about practical things. One thing that keeps popping up is the sharing of one bed AND being intimate with both wives at the same time. To be very clear my wife is not nor ever has been nor does she have lesbian inclinations. However she has brought up that for her this is not a problem and that she is worried because she does not feel convicted of it being wrong. She feels like if a possible second wife was amenable to those things it would help with the jealousy issues, bonding as a family and other things. But has also asked me if this was wrong spiritually, biblically and that I needed to let here know that. We are both wanting to do things the right way and I really only have a hazy understanding because that seems like a gray area. I really did try to find a thread that just directly as possible answers that question. I'm sorry if that seems salacious and right out the gate. But its a genuine question and has been a topic of many of our conversations. As a man you would think I would've been the one to initiate that line of questioning, I was not. She has listed more reasons why she sees advantages to this as well as the OBVIOUS pleasurable implications concerning pleasing me, she is a very good wife in this regard and wants to be clear that because she is focused on pleasuring me and that being her focus in the bedroom, that this would be a way to do that (thats as graphic as im willing to go). All of them seem to be legitimate. Outside the bedroom it would be all the normal things a family does, and inside of that framework absolutely NO lesbian insinuations period. I'm expecting some mixed responses, just to be clear I know the first thought some of you might have, but my wife is on the forum and I also consulted and wrote this post with her sitting next to me. We just want to know what the scriptural-biblical implications are, most honestly. We are new here and I wasn't sure where to post this, so please be gracious and I will take any correction to heart.

 

[PeteR]

While each man needs to find what works best for his family and culturally this is generally not the route most go, there is nothing in Scripture that forbids women from having intimate contact.

Men are specifically forbidden in multiple places. The reasons for this are several by implication... Man is 'equipped' sexually to 'plant seed.' The very act is one of possession, domination, and mastery. Not so between females... agriculturally, field can be next to each other and a farmer plants seed. He can tend both fields at the same time or differently, but they are his.

Emotionally, women tend to a closer relationship and can/do connect in a more intimate way, but again, because not scripturally wrong, it is up to the man.

A final thought, I do believe God allows this so that in a larger plural family, every woman's needs can be met within the family even if the man is away (David at war) or otherwise occupied.

BTW, this has been discussed on here before, though I do not recall where. Possibly someone else can pull a link or two.

 

[Scoop]

Thank you for such a thoughtful response! Would definitely like to see some links. We don't want to be clouded by our "feelings" though we haven't been convicted by the thought so just being sure whatever ideas we have about intimacy and family structure are in line with Gods words.

 

[steve]

No scriptural prohibition that I know of, but it may be unlikely to be something that a second wife would like.

 

[FollowingHim]

Also, if you did find a second wife who was attracted to that idea, she might be being attracted to plural marriage itself for the wrong reasons. The concept of "bisexuality" tends to be adopted by women who lack a Christian worldview and would be unsuitable wives.

As @PeteR said, work out what you will allow in your home based on your understanding of scripture. You are the head of your home and your understanding of scripture is what applies under your roof.

But even if you decide you would permit this, the likelihood of finding a woman who is 1) attracted to you enough to marry you, 2) a sound Christian woman you'd actually want to marry, 3) comfortable with polygamy, 4) attracted to your wife sexually, and 5) morally comfortable with acting on that feeling - is quite remote. Just one who fits points 1-3 will be a struggle.

There is a risk here that your wife could build this into her reasoning for accepting and wanting polygamy. That is dangerous for a couple of reasons, even if morally acceptable. Firstly, she should accept polygamy because it is biblical, not because she hopes to derive sexual pleasure from it. Secondly, if you do take another wife and she does not get the benefit she was anticipating, she may be seriously disillusioned and this could cause you problems.

So do not build this into your expectation of what polygamy would look like for you, even if you decide it would be ok. Imagine and plan for polygamy without it.

 

[Scoop]

I appreciate the candid responses and the factors to think about. I would say we agree with all but the last statement. I've had enough experience with God, too many unexplainable experiences to settle. I would say after talking with my wife that is basically the defining scope of my expectations. If that never occurs then I think that I wouldn't be interested. I'm sure God can tailor any circumstance to account for either my position or a change in my thinking, so no worries. I do agree that is a special set of circumstances, but like I said I have experienced so many undeserved gifts from God that i'm pretty settled and prayerful and hopeful.

 

[steve]

It seems a rather small point in the overall scheme of things.

 

[Pacman]

I generally agree with the responses so far. It is not forbidden and is up to you as the head of your woman / women. I definitely agree with Samuel that it would be a bad idea to build this idea into the mindset for your first to accept it, the likelihood is that your second will not accept it at least in the beginning...

 

[FollowingHim]

I would say after talking with my wife that is basically the defining scope of my expectations. If that never occurs then I think that I wouldn't be interested.

I would like to politely point out that you are at the beginning of your journey. You have only recently, as a couple, recognised that polygamy is permissible scripturally. Your understanding of why God has revealed this to you, for what purpose, and what it would look like, will continue to develop for many years.

For instance, why has God revealed this to you? Is it because He wants you to practice it? Or is it because He will be bringing a plural family into your life in the future who will need your support, and He is preparing your hearts to accept and not reject them? Or will you never see or do it in practice, but is this groundwork for a better theological understanding of another matter? Although most of us assume initially that He has revealed it to us because He intends us to do it one day, that is not necessarily the case.

If He does want you to practice it, it will be because He knows a woman who needs your support - probably not the other way around. You already have Jessie, and Jessie has you - but this other woman (now, or in the future when you meet her) has nobody, and might be in a very difficult situation. You have no idea what she will look like, what her situation will be, or even whether she will be younger or older than you. God will reveal His plan in His timing.

It is easy for us to imagine what we think we want. And our fantasies may include many details - especially when we have only newly realised this is a real option for our lives. But what truly matters is what God wants, what He has planned.

And His plans tend to look nothing like our own.

So, once again, I would encourage you to not plan what you think this will look like, to not define what you think either of you want out of it. Just know this is an option, and ask God to reveal to you what that means for your life, and what it will look like if and when it happens.

 

[Mojo]

Just popping in for the night. I saw this and wanted to affirm most of the responses. We have discussed this multiple times over the years. You might want to do a key word search.

Godly women willing to live polygyny are hard to find. This is mostly a mental exercise for you right now. See the exercise through as a natural course or pathology when coming to grips with this reality, then be prepared to go a long time before finding someone, if ever. That's just the reality unless God has someone waiting in the wings immediately.

 

[Scoop]

I'm curious about this charity angle that I keep seeing mentioned. Don't get me wrong whatever God does in those scenarios and how he coordinates things is his business. While I'm conducting my family in following the Lord and I'm inclined in the direction of being open to finding a second wife, why does that necessarily lend itself to the charitable angle? I don't see that as a requirement. This is just coming from someone who in a past life did take on a "project" and paid for it with 10 years of my life. So I've lived in tears for my attempt at charity. Not saying that its rejectable, just wondering why it cannot be purely out of Godly familial, sexual, etc. desire? As someone once asked me, "When you go to the store and buy a tomato, do you just pick up any old one, or do you kind of feel around at least for a second for one of good quality, why would you do any less when choosing a partner?"

 

[Mojo]

When you go to the store and buy a tomato, do you just pick up any old one, or do you kind of feel around at least for a second for one of good quality, why would you do any less when choosing a partner?"

You wouldn't do any less, but you'll find that the market of available tomatoes for your salad isn't often from the fresh food section. It may be from the crushed, puréed, or sauce variety. It's been through some strain, but is now availabke to be a part of a meal, but not necessarily the green salad portion of the meal.

In our society, the overwhelming majority of prime specimens are going to want a traditional lifestyle without the complications of poly. They're going to want Prince Charming. There are godly widows, single mothers, or other "damaged" women who might not be able to find a single guy waiting to take on their baggage. Most guys want their Juliet.

You don't have to "settle", but be open minded to a market that needs a strong head of household and may not want to trust it to an unproven single man.

 

[Slumberfreeze]

While I'm conducting my family in following the Lord and I'm inclined in the direction of being open to finding a second wife, why does that necessarily lend itself to the charitable angle?

Pretty much everything that God leads us to is supposed to lend itself to charity one way or another. Especially when you consider that the highest love (agape) that we're supposed to be striving for is also comfortably translated as charity, which is also the integral duty of a man within the context of a marriage. (Husbands, love your wives etc..) No matter how picture perfect the young godly lady you may find to join your family is, she will provide you with opportunity to forgive her and bear with her patiently.

It is my belief that most people on this site don't think that what you call "Godly familial, sexual desire" are bad motives to have another wife. I certainly don't.

I wouldn't guess that your feelings on these things are that different than most. I don't know that anyone here has ever rolled their car window down and proposed marriage to a prostitute or anything quite that "charitable". (Fellas, if I'm wrong about this, don't let now be the time you pick to correct me on this). I believe most of us just want to see the women who can be married, married and taken care of, knowing that a little charity may be in order to get them there. If that's not your calling, then it isn't, and that's ok.

Just out of curiosity, what would you consider a tomato too bruised to buy?

 

[Mojo]

I believe most of us just want to see the women who can be married, married and taken care of, knowing that a little charity may be in order to get them there.

What he said ^^^^

 

[Scoop]

Just out of curiosity, what would you consider a tomato too bruised to buy?

Thats an interesting question. Part of me would want to develop some criteria, another wants me to lean on the Holy Spirits guidance. I guess to balance that I might develop a general criteria that is mostly principle based and then go from there. My wife is definitely a good Godly example but I'm sure that I would want to be careful not to make comparisons since we are each unique children of God. Alot of it would be based on how that person has faced any brokenness in their life, where they stand in their individual walk with God, and of course the normal things that go along with romance.

 

[steve]

This is just coming from someone who in a past life did take on a "project" and paid for it with 10 years of my life.

I totally hear you, having been there to some extent.
At the end of the day it’s simply do it as unto the Lord. All blessings come from Him, without them we have nothing. Quite frankly, a portion of my tenth that belongs to Yah goes to help some that, in the end, may not have deserved it. But He squanders on us when we don’t have it coming.
To sum it up, help freely with no expectation for the outcome.

 

[FollowingHim]

curious about this charity angle that I keep seeing mentioned.

I wasn't actually talking about deliberately using marriage for charitable purposes at all, you misunderstand my point. I see why my comment can be read that way, but that is to limit its application to a very narrow box, when I was actually talking about all marriages.

It's simple logic. Assuming:

1. Marriage exists for the benefit of humans. Therefore, if God intends you to marry a second wife, it will be because He sees benefits to at least one, and almost certainly all, of you.
2. Marriage is also mostly not about sex - that is only one small part of marriage. And you can already have sex anyway. So the benefits God intends to give are most likely in other parts of your lives, primarily.
3. Being married already, you already have access to the benefits of marriage. However a single woman (any single woman) does not. The change in her situation (single to married) is far greater than the change in yours (married to more married).

Given these assumptions, it follows that if God intends you to marry a second wife, this will be to provide benefits (1), that are mostly non-sexual (2), and likely more beneficial to the new wife than yourself or Jessie (3).

His ideal woman for you will therefore be selected mostly for reasons that have nothing to do with the very narrow topic discussed in this thread. Given the vast array of potential reasons He could have to bring you together, the probability that the woman He has in mind would also be interested sexually in your wife is very slim. It's plausible, but unlikely statistically.

So if this was a primary intent in your mind, you run a strong risk of rejecting the woman of God's plans because she doesn't fit your narrow fantasy of what you would like plural marriage to be.

None of this is about taking on a charity case. It applies there too, but I'm talking about any marriage.

 

[rockfox]

I'm inclined in the direction of being open to finding a second wife, why does that necessarily lend itself to the charitable angle? I don't see that as a requirement. This is just coming from someone who in a past life did take on a "project" and paid for it with 10 years of my life.

There are a few aspects to this, aside from Samuel's clarification. Some is rhetoric to convince the church to embrace polygamy by pointing out all the poor single mothers who could be helped. Some is personality, some people are drawn to helping injured sparrows. Some is practical, the population of women open to polygamy tends not to be the best of the best.

As you can tell by the responses, there is a strong distaste here for the idea that some women are best avoided. Some like yourself have learnt the hard way about going that route. Others like myself have learned from watching the wreckage of other men's lives who tried it. Adding the adjective 'Godly' to a person whose life lacks virtue doesn't make is so.

 

[Scoop]

I guess this is how threads take on a life of their own, thank you for the clarification Samuel. Yes it has taken a bit of Holy therapy to get over that incident in my life so I am very cautious. My wife was part of the miracle of rescuing me from some of that disaster, I did the single Dad thing for a year because my two oldests mother left the picture and I was raising them on my own. That person has been out of the picture for 10yrs but that still haunts me. Back to the point, I see all the realism you bring to the forefront, so on one level I’m a bit conflicted, I have also seen some pretty miraculous things in the last 10 yrs so tempering that I am enthusiastic. I think God will work it out, I really don’t intend to engage in any recruiting or other nonsense online and really I feel like my wife will be very helpful in that area when/if the time comes. Good points all around though, I can see why you would want to point out the aspects of this as yet to be known person I would need to account for. Very thought provoking.

 

[cnystrom]

New here but not new to the polygyny concept. So my wife and I after going on this journey of understanding are now talking somewhat about practical things. One thing that keeps popping up is the sharing of one bed AND being intimate with both wives at the same time.

This actually comes up quite often in Christian polygamy circles and it has two forms:

1. Both wives at the same time with no wife contact with each other
2. Both wives at the same time with wives pleasing each other also.

First of all this is one of the areas where Christian polygamy differs from Mormon polygamy. In Mormon polygamy these are both no-nos.

Christian polygamists have noticed that there do not seem to be any Bible verses that prohibit #1.

Prohibition to #2 depends a lot on how you interpret Romans 1:26 of which there is not a consensus.

Of course a wise husband would never demand a wife violate her conscience.

We just want to know what the scriptural-biblical implications are, most honestly. We are new here and I wasn't sure where to post this, so please be gracious and I will take any correction to heart.

You are good. I appreciate your bravery and we are here to help.