Froggie Family Chronicles

[Froggie]

Friday, January 20, 2012

Wednesday evening, while I was getting dinner on the table, Ruth quietly asked me if I would mind taking care of the children for a bit, so she could have some private time with Mr. Froggie.

Mind? Are you kidding? I was thrilled! I knew she needed this-- that they both needed this! So after the kids were in bed, I just entertained myself watching television at Ruth's, not wanting to disturb them. I wanted them to have all the time they needed. Later, she called me, telling me if the kids were asleep, I should come home; I did not need to stay -- afterall, Teen Daughter was home too.

This is where things get rather comical, lol. I had neglected to pull my pajamas and blankets out of the bedroom (intending to sleep on the couch), and I really wanted a shower. So upon arriving home, I gingerly approached the bedroom door and knocked. There was at first an awkward shout of "just a minute" before I opened the door, which was NOT locked (!), then a gasp of relief, "Oh it's you!" lol, and a lot of giggling.

What's funny is that I was not the least bit uncomfortable walking into my bedroom to see my husband in bed with my sister wife, both, um, sans clothes! Ruth was at first concerned that I would be uncomfortable, or upset, but I assured her I was happy for her, for them both -- because I genuinely was. In fact, they were somewhat embarrassed because I was asking them if their needs were adequately met? Apparently that was an inappropriate question to ask. (blushing emoticon) I actually sat there visiting with them for a good half hour before finally convincing them to let me go and take a shower. :lol:

So anyway, as I proceeded to gather some extra blankets, Ruth insisted I put them down, saying that there was no way she was going to prevent me from sleeping in my own bed -- she would be the one to either sleep on the couch, or go home and sleep. LOL, that's what she thought.... Ruth and Mr. Froggie still wanted some time to snuggle and watch a movie together, so I left them alone, showered, got comfortable, and did my own thing in the living room. At some point they both fell asleep, as I knew they would, so I then got some extra blankets from Marcus (yeah, we have extra blankets stashed all over the place, lol!) and went to sleep on the couch as planned. LOL, Ruth is beginning to learn she can pretend to bully me all she wants to, but I'm not going to kow-tow to her. Afterall, I'm still a wife in this thing, and if I want to sleep on the couch so she can have my bed, then that's the way it's going to be!!!

In the morning, I remembered that another co-worker was dropping her child off at Ruth's to walk to school with the children together, so his own mother could go to her other job. I realized it would be in everyone's best interests if Ruth was actually home to greet the child, lol. So I brought her a cup of coffee and roused her out of my bed. Which brings us back to my statements in the above paragraph, lol. Ruth was mortified that I was left to sleep on the couch, instead of in my own bed, instead of waking her up and kicking her out. I just laughed at her. Silly Sister Wife, don't you know this is what couches are for?

So then Ruth and Mr. Froggie got dressed and went over to her house to see the children off to school, while I stayed behind and got myself dressed. After getting the children off to school, we three adults went into town to go grocery shopping.

Before doing the shopping, we stopped at a cafe for breakfast. This is where the fun begins, lol. We chose a large booth, with Ruth and Mr. Froggie sitting side by side as an obvious couple, and I sat across from them, on the opposite seat. Mr. Froggie kissed Ruth, then as we were giggling about the secret relationship between all of us, Mr. Froggie leaned across the table and kissed me too -- we just giggled, letting people around us wonder and try to puzzle things out. :lol:

At the store, it was so much fun to just hang back and watch Ruth and Mr. Froggie interact as a true married couple -- I took on the role of "very dear friend." And in the van, I let Mr. Froggie and Ruth sit up front together, while I took the back seat for most of the trip. They really are a cute couple, and so right for each other! I remarked later to both of them that I think they were meant for each other all along, but Mr. Froggie just had to wait for Ruth to grow up -- Ruth is 16 years younger than Mr. Froggie -- of course, the Lord would not have Mr. Froggie live as a bachelor for 20 more years, so I was sent to keep him company and build a family while we waited for Ruth to finish growing up. And in the meanwhile, Mr. Froggie and I have gone ahead and learned a lot of the important lessons about life, love, and relationships that Ruth has not had anyone to teach her so far.

So we had a really nice day in town together, but then I began feeling the need for my own personal time with Mr. Froggie, all to myself. In the van I asked him if we could have a "date" later that evening, just the two of us. He agreed, so I was looking forward to that....

But "the best laid plans of mice and men oft times go awry..." After dinner last evening, we all continued to sit at Ruth's just watching television together, even after the children went to bed. Mr. Froggie sat on the loveseat snuggling with Ruth. At some point I admit I began to feel some unpleasant feelings, some feeling of jealousy! Afterall, I had not only openly asked Mr. Froggie in front of Ruth for a date, but I had also privately confided in Ruth that I really needed to have him all to myself for the evening.

I expressed myself very tactfully, asking Mr. Froggie if we were still going to go out on our date, or would he rather stay here with Ruth? I even mentioned I was getting tired (I was really torn between wanting to have my time with him, and just getting my jammies on and going to bed). Ruth, being a woman, astutely heard my need and told Mr. Froggie (who was rather clue-less) to get up off her couch, and go sit with me -- "She needs you to sit with her. Go." So he did.

Eventually I managed to motivate him to leave Ruth's and take me home. Seriously, by the time I finally got him to get up, I was ready to just go home and go to bed. He could have stayed the night with Ruth if he wanted. I would not have been happy, but I would have gotten over it. But Mr. Froggie was wide awake, and to him the night was young.

So we went out, and I managed to find some reserves enough to have fun despite being so sleepy. Then we came back home and tried to watch a movie together, after I got showered and cozy. I fell asleep with my head on his shoulder, and he woke me up and sent me to bed. It was about 3:30 am by this time, but at least I felt I had gotten what I needed. Mr. Froggie came to bed a few hours later, so I haven't talked to him yet today.

Ruth came over about mid-morning, just as I was trying to decide if I wanted to get up, or if I wanted to sleep some more. So I got up, and she told me about her meeting with the children's teachers, at the school this morning. After the meeting, she was emotionally spent, so she is taking a nap now. I had hoped for some "girl time" while the kids were still in school, but Ruth needs her rest more. I will see her this afternoon, and help her with the kids, and we will have dinner together again.

We have a whole chicken to contribute, but Ruth has never cooked a whole chicken before! No one has ever shown her how! So I am going to take the chicken over and show her how to prepare it, then bring it back to my oven and roast it. She has another chicken she is going to do, and some sides. Tonight will be the third night in a row this week that we are having dinner together.

And that brings me to another joyful exclamation: I love, love, love, LOVE being in a plural marriage so far! I LOVE having dinner together as one humongous family. I LOVE cooking dinner for TEN PEOPLE!!!

I love having someone I can share my devotion to Mr. Froggie with: I love that I can say to her what a cute little butt he has, and she totally agrees. I can't share that with my mother or my sister, or even another friend and get that kind of response! :lol: I love that we can both watch him walking off, shake our heads, and say at the same time, "He's such a dork." And then laugh and say, "But he's OUR dork, and we love him!" I love that I now have someone who appreciates Mr. Froggie the way I do, and who totally understands why I fell in love with him, why I married him. (sigh)

As Alit53 said in one of her own posts, "God is good, all of the time."

 

[Froggie]

Monday, January 22, 2012

Life has been pretty "normal" the last couple of days. And that includes all the normal stress, like children's tantrums, etc., lol.

We actually ate dinner together FOUR nights in a row last week! That was pretty awesome. And when the ten year old prays over dinner, she always thanks God for "sending us another family, and combining us into one big family." (warm fuzzy there, folks)

The rumour mill has been duly activated, as we knew that it would be. The little ones made the grand announcement-- not sure exactly what was announced; possibly something about their "mommy and daddy got married!"-- but one other student at Jax's school asked him if his dad is a polygamist. And a couple of other people in the community are
talking about it as well. Not sure exactly what they think they know, but until they get it "straight from the horse's mouth," they don't know anything, as far as I'm concerned. And of course people around here are not brave enough to ask us point blank if the rumors they are hearing are true, lol. But laughter aside, Ruth is stressing out about it.

Honestly, I'm not worried. Things will settle down, and everything is going to be fine. And in the end, nobody really gives a rat's behind anyway-- not with all the other affairs and divorces, and spouse swapping that already goes on here! It's just that in a small town people seldom have anything else to do with their time, other than gossip and spread rumours.

As for Jax, the standard answer from now on will be, "My mom babysits the little kids, and our two families have become very close. The little kids think of my parents as a second mom and dad." Not exactly a lie, but not full disclosure either.

So anyway.... I got the little ones off to bed with little fuss tonight. That's good, because I put in a hard day's work, and I'm TIRED! I am going to feel it tomorrow, lol.

Ruth is going to come over and watch a movie in the morning with Mr. Froggie after getting the kids off to school, waiting for me to wake up. Tomorrow is my day off, but not Ruth's, so I am going to have her get a good day's sleep in my bed, and I will greet the children after school and do their homework and chores with them until Ruth wakes up. Then I will take a break before taking over again when Ruth goes to work.

Mr. Froggie has also started trying to go to bed earlier in the mornings, and get up earlier in the evenings, so he can see Ruth and the children before everybody goes to work and bed. This has been working out well so far. We will see if it can continue.

I think that is all I am going to ramble on about for tonight, lol. Perhaps I will have more in the next day or two...

I've spoken with Mr. Froggie about contributing here as well. He said he was going to, but then he didn't know where to begin, or what to say, so he abandoned the idea. Perhaps if you all could post some questions in the "comments" thread, in the "Marriage" section, it would help him out? What would you like to hear from Mr. Froggie? He has been reading everyone's blogs, and the various threads, and finds the whole website interesting.

 

[Froggie]

Tuesday, 1/23/12

So much for sleeping in this morning. At 6:00 the phone range, and a minute later Jax opened the door to tell me that Ruth was not yet off work, and I needed to get up, go to her house, and get the kids ready for school. So I did, and it went very smoothly. (Again, I employed the tactic of only getting one child up at a time, then waking the next once the first child was putting her shoes on, whereas waking all four at once only results in chaos.) By the time Ruth walked through the door at 7:00, everyone was just about ready-- just had to put coats on and gather up homework. : )

After taking the children to school, Ruth came over, and is watching a movie with Mr. Froggie while they wait until they are sleepy enough to go to bed. Ruth will get a sound sleep in my bed, and I will be there for the children after school.

Oh! Now I remember what I really wanted to write about: When I first started watching Ruth's children, they would all just get up and leave the table after meals and snacks, leaving dirty dishes, spilled food, and sticky table for their mother to clean up. It would sit there until she had time to deal with it. Then the first time I fed the children at my house, when they got up and left the table, I called them all right back in, "Ah-ah, ah! Get back in here!" I taught them to scrape their plates and take all their dishes to the sink. Then the next time they ate at home, I called them back to the table again.

I asked, "Is this what we do? Just leave our mess here at the table?"

They responded by solemnly nodding their heads, and answering, "yes."

Then I corrected them, "Not anymore. The rules just changed. Remember how we do things at my house? We are going to do the same thing at this house too."

Well, guess what? They have taken that particular lesson and run with it! Now after meals, I don't even have to remind them -- instead I hear from the other room, "Mama, we're scraping our plates!" Wonderful! Cleaning up after dinner last night was such a breeze, I was happy to sit down with the children and play a game before bedtime.

Now we are working on making beds, as the next step to self-responsibility and tidiness. The deal is, they must make their beds each day for one week, and tomorrow we will take them skating.

We are going to work on one additional tidiness "trick" each week. So starting Thursday they will not only be clearing dishes and making their beds, but seeing that their dirty laundry gets put in the laundry room, instead of strewn about the bedroom floor-- in exchange for the reward of a fun family activity. We're getting there, little by little. Baby steps....

 

[Froggie]

Thursday, January 25, 2012

Very close to midnight.

It's been "date day" for Mr. Froggie. As those in a plural marriage are also realizing, "date day" is HUGE! And a very loooong day, :lol:

I have to start with Wednesday, which Ruth has requested to be "hers." She and I had "Girl time" together, making a trip into town to run some errands. We got back in time for her to take a nap before the children came home from school. Then we had to make another trip into town, this time with the children-- one child had an appointment she could not miss-- then we got a few pizzas and took them to a park to eat them before going to the skating rink. I did manage to make it all the way around a number of times without falling, hooray!

After we got home, the children went straight to bed, and Ruth and I each took showers and prepared our overnight bags. It was Ruth's night with Mr. Froggie, and I was to stay the night with the children, and get them off to school in the morning. Poor Ruth, she had worked Tuesday night, had a very long, exhausting day Wednesday, with only a two hour nap. She was soooo tired, I really did not expect her to have much of a "date," except to merely enjoy sleeping in a comfortable bed. Mr. Froggie had slept all day, so he was wide awake and ready to party. :lol:

Thursday morning went amazingly smooth, as usual, when I get the children to school. In fact, Wednesday evening, in the car, when the children learned I would be sleeping over and taking them to school, one of the girls said, "Oh awesome-- do it like you did yesterday; that worked really well."

Anyway, after dropping the children off to school, I went home (to my house) to enjoy some quiet time to myself while letting Ruth and Mr.Froggie sleep in as late as they wanted. However.... a morning of
quiet respite to myself was not in the works, heh, heh, heh. I was getting a pot of coffee started when Ruth came out in her pajamas and asked me to come and join her and Mr. Froggie. They had been AWAKE ALL NIGHT, watching movies! So we visited together for a bit, then decided to go out for breakfast together. After breakfast, poor Ruth was so tired she could not stay awake another minute. We took her home and I tucked her into bed-- she was asleep before her head even hit the pillow, lol!

Then my own date with Mr. Froggie began. That sweet man managed to stay awake all day with me! He told me he realized that I've been feeling a bit left out, a bit neglected lately, and that he knew I had been making a lot of sacrifices for Ruth. So because of that, he wanted to make the day all about me, and see to it I felt loved and cherished. We had a great time together, and yes, I do feel loved and cherished.

We took a nice long nap together in the evening, and Mr. Froggie just woke up a few minutes ago. Ruth is at home, fast asleep, since she has to go help out in the youngest child's classroom tomorrow. After she gets back from school, we can hang out for awhile. But meanwhile, I'm going to spend some more time with Mr. Froggie before taking another long nap!

But before I sign off, I just want to add one more thing: Also during our date, Mr. Froggie and I were talking together about how much we love Ruth, and how deeply embedded into our lives she has become. We both said that if for some reason Ruth were to suddenly change her mind and leave us, it would feel like an amputation. We would both be devastated. We're in love, and it's great.

 

[Froggie]

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Today I want to talk about intimacy in the plural marriage. No, I'm not necessarily talking about sexual intimacy, though it is something to take into consideration, on one's own time, and not in this blog.

I was brought up in a not-so-demonstratively affectionate family, and was taught that it was not appropriate to hug everyone all the time.

So by my adulthood I had evolved into a "NOT a hugger, touchy-feely" type person. Imagine my shock and surprise when I discovered that the majority of people-- business associates and even strangers I encountered-- wanted to hug me or touch me in some intimate way! :shock:

I admit to feeling a slight bit of discomfort when this happens. For example, several years ago, when I worked in the children's ministry at church, the CM Director was a very huggy guy. And in fact he had a habit of gently rubbing my back as he hugged me. No, he wasn't a weirdo, and in fact he was very married and had a deep love for the Lord. But... it made me uncomfortable, nonetheless. Did I ever tell him and ask him not to do that? No, because I knew that would have made him feel awful, and would have made our working relationship in ministry more awkward. I cared too much for our friendship, and his feelings to say anything. I had to learn to accept that kind of intimacy, and to be okay with it.

Even now, at my workplace, I meet a lot of "touchy-feely" types, from co-workers to patrons. It's okay; I'm getting better at accepting all this affection, lol.

But hugs aside, there are other forms of intimacy in all of our day to day relationships, from business to family, to marriage. One big one is emotional intimacy. It involves the ability to discuss our innermost thoughts and feelings with another person. And just talking about personal stuff seems to forge an emotional connection with the other person that often brings us closer, have you noticed?

When we engage into a plural marriage, we find that deep emotional intimacy is necessary for the relationship to succeed. Shortly after I had brought up the idea of plural marriage to Ruth, she wanted me to be able to share some very intimate details of my married life with Mr. Froggie. I balked at this, and did not want to share-- I wanted to keep that private, and all to myself. She was deeply hurt, and could not understand how I could want to share my husband with her in the most intimate way, and yet not be able to share that kind of intimacy with her, as a friend. She had a point. I needed to work on that. In order to be able to share a marriage with her, I needed to forge a very deep emotional bond with her first. And that would only come by sharing the deep secrets that extremely close friends share.

Time has passed, and my emotional intimacy with Ruth has indeed increased. I can share my bed with her, and I can share my husband. I can sit in the room with them after they have been close and have a casual conversation without batting an eye, and vice-versa. I can let Ruth sit in the bathroom with me while I take a shower, and converse with her without feeling self-conscious.

And we have noticed a very helpful benefit to developing this level of intimacy in our relationship: My feelings of jealousy, as minimal as they were to begin with, have lessened immensely! And even if we do something to annoy each other, or get grumpy, we can get past it, knowing that just because we are irritated, angry, or grumpy, does not mean we don't still love each other, or that we cannot continue to share this kind of emotional intimacy with one another. Tomorrow is another day, and we will still be texting messages of "I love you" to each other when it's all said and done. It's a good thing, and it has been a remarkable growing process for me.

 

[Froggie]

Friday, February 3, 2012

My entries are beginning to slow down in frequency now. Just letting everyone know the Froggie Family is fine; it's just that life is incredibly "normal" right now, and we are just busy living that incredibly "normal" life, bonding and blending as a family and deepening all of our various personal relationships with each other and one another.

The only thing of note to mention is last night the children participated in the school talent show. I had just assumed Jax (the 16 year old son) was not going, as he was not performing. However, one must never assume... he said, "As much as those little kids annoy me, we still have FAMILY performing tonight!" Well, of course he was talking about those "annoying little kids" as his "family," since Marcus is no longer in school. :lol:

And he often waits for the Teen Daughter after school, to walk home with her, and "see that nothing happens to my little sister."

Mind you, Jax is still extremely uncomfortable hearing the words "plural marriage, sister wife, or polygamy," as he is very worried about the societal and public implications-- you can't really blame him there-- but accept Ruth and her children as official members of our family? Apparently that is a non-issue.

 

[Froggie]

Monday, February 6, 2012

Ruth and I had a bit of a blow-out this evening. There is one child I consistently butt heads with, nine year old "Jessica." She's sassy, smart-mouthed, and full of "attitude." This is part of her persona, her self-identity, I understand. However, she takes it to the level of being disrespectful, and I quite frankly, am sick and tired of it!

She started mouthing off to me again this evening, and when I called her on it, she just spewed out more acid. I lost my cool and shouted that I would not be watching her anymore. (Believe it or not, this does matter to Jessica, as she would rather be with me than anyone else.)

Ruth does not seem to understand. She was wearing herself out trying to get laundry done and folded and put away. She has gone to great lengths to get some new systems of organizing in place, to help the children be tidy. She did not have time to get dinner ready for the children before I came. Not a problem, I'm happy to help her, if she would just let me. She seemed at first to think I was upset because dinner wasn't ready. She said she couldn't get everything done; she's sorry. But that wasn't why I was angry at all.

The problem is when either of us asks the children to do anything at all to help, Jessica and her younger sister "Emily" (age 6) often go into total melt-down, full-on tantrum mode. Jessica especially will start sassing. I'm tired of it. I told Ruth Jessica is the one I butt heads with the most. I told her Jessica's behavior is completely unacceptable, and I simply will not tolerate it.

Ruth just stared at me and asked what I want her to do about it. "I WANT YOU TO STOP THE BEHAVIOR!" I tried to explain to Ruth that since she gave birth to Jessica, she knows her much better than I do, and so she should know much better than I do how to stop Jessica from being so sassy and disrespectful. She just continued to stare at me for a minute, then asked teen daughter to help her put the laundry away.

Ultimately, it was Teen Daughter who saved the day: She went into the kitchen, gave Jessica a serious tongue thrashing about being disrespectful to adults, and banished her to her room until dinner.

Then she started dinner, got Emily on a stool reading out loud to her (Emily's homework) while she cooked, and I helped get the laundry put away.

Sadly, Ruth and I did not speak to each other from that time until she left for work. So my heart is breaking right now, and I don't know how this is going to turn out. I am hoping Mr. Froggie can help us...

On the other hand, when dinner was ready to be served, Teen Daughter went and got Jessica from her room. When Jessica sat down to eat, she apologized for being disrespectful, and she was much more cooperative the rest of the evening.

Honestly, though, I think I am going to ask Mr. Froggie to get up early tomorrow evening, so he can go watch the kids instead of me. He seems to get along a lot better with Jessica than I do. I am beginning to develop strong negative feelings for that child, and that is a very bad thing indeed

 

[Froggie]

Friday, February 10, 2012

Oh, Heavens to Mergatroid!!! (Insert HUGE sigh as I collapse from exhaustion). So to help everyone stop holding your collective breath (I'm sure you have all been turning blue from the anticipation these past few days) :shock: I'm here to tell you first off that Ruth and I are back on speaking terms, have hugged, kissed, and made up.

Poor Mr. Froggie's psoriasis on his hands has been on a rampage from all the stress, feeling as though he has been through a taffy pull. :lol:

This morning Ruth and I had to make a run to the little rural store for a major supply of chocolate -- to calm our frayed nerves -- it was purely for medicinal purposes, mind you. :lol:

So to take you on back to our totally stressed out crisis -- mind you all newlyweds have them, whether they are a single couple or a plural couple; it is a fact of life and marriage -- We had Mr. Froggie in the difficult position of go-between, mediating for us, and helping with the communication, and filtering all the hurtful words and strong emotions. (That poor, dear, sweet man)

Come to find out, Ruth and I not only have not been on the "same page" all along, we also have not even been using the same "book!" She is of the philosophy that children should not be required to do any housework or chores, that is the mom's sole responsibility. I was brought up that it is very healthy and responsible to teach children to assist in the general upkeep of the home, ESPECIALLY in today's dual income society, and in the case of a single parent household. After all, that is why I am so good at my job, that is why Marcus and Jax have turned out so remarkable. So that explains where the breakdown is coming from: It isn't entirely that Ruth is too exhausted to remind the children to be tidy; it is simply not a priority for her, and she does not feel it is appropriate to require that level of responsibility of the children.

So that is something we have to work on, to come to an agreement on, and to compromise on, from both ends. And... she is going to start fighting harder for her own sleep, which has been sorely lacking. (Yeah!) Yes, this means an extra expense of more time with the other babysitter (since I have to work during that time), but it is totally worth it.

I also found out more about what Ruth wants from me: She does not want me to be the "cool mom" that plays games every night the second I arrive. Rather, she wants me to help her complete the "mom tasks" she could not finish. Stuff like, homework, putting clothes away, and baths. I'm happy to do that, but now the children are a bit "spoiled," we have to inform them that we cannot always play games every single night. Oh-- and Ruth wants to play some games too -- she wants to have fun too; she doesn't always want to be "mean mom," focusing on chores all the time. Cool! Awesome! We can work that in somehow! But we absolutely MUST keep the bedtime story. That is important to the children, and it is extremely helpful to their academic success. Okay. So lots to work on still, but at least we have made inroads, and come to some more understanding.

But I must still tell you about the emotional crisis we have both gone through before we could get to this point!

OMG, we were both soooo depressed! I did not turn on my cell phone, We were not texting, we were not calling, we were not speaking. I was pretty much "checked out." I told Mr. Froggie I could not watch the children this week. Bless his heart, he is going to take care of them Sunday and Monday, all by himself! He will do the bedtime ritual with them when Ruth goes to work! And honestly? He needed to do this a lot sooner! Tuesday is Valentine's Day. It is also My and Mr. Froggie's twentieth wedding anniversary. We will watch the children together that night. Valentine's Day is a big deal for us, because that is the day our family was originally started. So we have gifts for the children and such. It's a big deal. 8)

Anyway... back to being depressed....

Tuesday evening I did go back and watch the children, since Ruth had no other option, and Mr. Froggie did not want to. But honestly? I was pretty much checked out. As far as I was concerned, I was just there to make sure the house did not burn down. Before leaving, Ruth told the girls not to cause any "drama" and to "be nice" to me. So it went alright. I did get a little bit of sass from Jessica again, but I stayed calm and did not give in to her demands.

Wednesday was a huge day for Ruth and Mr. Froggie. That is the usual day Ruth and I take the kids into town and go skating. First of all, I did not get off work on time to go that day, but in light of everything, I really did not want to go anyhow. I managed to convince Mr. Froggie to go, which was awesome in my point of view, because it gave them all a chance to feel like a "traditional" family: one mom, one dad, and all the kids. And Ruth still had some help from another parent. (Taking the kids to town is a major ordeal, and never without some kind of drama). Then after that it was their date night, so Mr. Froggie spent the night at Ruth's since I refused to stay over there. That of course meant they could not be intimate, since they were out in the living room, but at least they had some quality time together, all night. : )

Meanwhile, I stayed home and tried to cheer myself up with some incense, a comedy, and a glass of wine. Very effective, but I was still really down in the dumps. : (

Thursday morning, Mr. Froggie came home and announced it was our time together, and asked what I would like to do. So we went out for a couple of hours to one of the local bars, where he tried to teach me how to play pool. Uh, at least it was amusing, since I had never played before in my life. :lol: Then we came home and watched a movie and took a nap.

After my nap, I awoke to Mr. Froggie's phone buzzing. I got up, taking the phone with me. Sure enough, it was Ruth, asking if my phone was on. (No, it was off.) So then, with a sigh, I turned on my phone. Ruth had texted me two hours before, begging to speak with me. So I texted her back, and met with her, and we had a good talk.

During that talk, she had told me her daughter had caught her crying and she ended up pouring her heart out, telling her that "[Froggie] won't speak to me." She told me that she feared I was just "checked out," and that it was over between us, and her heart was breaking. I replied that though we are having a really rocky spot in our relationship, if I was truly "checked out," I would not have turned on my phone, I would not have returned her text, and I certainly would not be sitting there talking to her! That made her feel a lot better, and me too, to be honest. We actually ended up going out for a pizza, compliments of Teen Daughter's boyfriend. (Thanks, Sweetie!) 8)

After our pizza, we came back home and watched a hilarious comedy and shared a glass of wine. It was good to be back together again.

This afternoon we got together again and had another meeting, setting some goals about the children and the housework, and trying to find some middle ground to agree upon. In short, we are going to try again to make things work, and to implement a new plan to reduce Ruth's workload, get her more rest, more quality time, and to make a house a generally more pleasant place to be.

We'll see how it goes. The first goal we are implementing is to reduce the amount of clothes the children have -- this is very hard for the girls, who are a bunch of divas -- and when we broke the news to them, we naturally had some serious drama. LOL, Ruth said as I was leaving that she was glad I was there to witness it, because I would not have believed it if I had not seen it for myself. Good Lord, WHY did I have to meet up with a woman with FOUR daughters?!!!! Boys are soooo much easier! :lol:

So there we are. All caught up, and feeling MUCH better. Now, I've got to go and iron a uniform for Mr. Froggie, and sew some buttons on a very nice coat a neighbor handed down to me.

But before I go, I have just one more word to summarize all of this:
I think, even as stressful as this has all been for us, has been a valuable lesson. Not only for us women, but also for the children, who saw many tears shed, and saw how much we were hurting. And yet, in the end, there we were, sitting on the couch together, talking again, then going out for a pizza together. Now they have witnessed for themselves that even best friends have arguments, and just because we do does not mean we don't still love each other, and does not by any means mean our family is breaking up.

 

[Froggie]

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Happy Valentine's Day! Today also marks my 20th wedding anniversary with Mr. Froggie. But I will tell that story in another post. (It is very romantic; you will all love it.)

Sunday night we had a bit of a family crisis. It actually began Saturday night. Teen Daughter went to town with friends. She was several hours late returning, and Ruth was beside herself with worry, especially after hearing of a big traffic accident on the highway. :shock: Don't worry, the kids were NOT involved in the accident.

Meanwhile, Ruth had to go to work. She came home on every one of her work breaks, to see if the teenagers had gotten home yet. She finally found them, at midnight, and Teen Daughter's friends were also still there visiting her (curfew for friends visiting is 10 pm.) Now, there are more troubling details in this story, but in the interest of privacy, confidentiality, and preserving identity, I must leave a lot out. We will just summarize by saying that Teen Daughter was now in BIG TROUBLE!

Sunday, Teen Daughter and Ruth had a major confrontation, fight, blow-up, whatever you want to call it. It was pretty bad, and extremely stressful. Like I said, I have to leave out some huge details, out of respect for Ruth and the children. Just know it was bad.

I worked that day, completely oblivious to any of the drama taking place at home. I was so busy I did not even take a lunch, and even though I left my phone home on the charger, I still would not have gotten Ruth's text until I got home anyhow, as I was so busy working.

However, at 6:15, just minutes after I got home, my phone toned with a new text message. That's when I saw the first message hinting that something major had gone down, that I was clueless about, plus a new message saying that Teen Daughter needed urgently to speak with me, and to please hurry over. :shock:

It just so happened that per agreement, Mr. Froggie was planning to tend the children that evening. He also knew nothing of the day's events, as he had been sleeping. He only knew the police had been there at some point, but did not know any details. So we both walked over to Ruth's together. Mind you, I'm still in my work clothes-- I have not had time to shower and change!

When we arrived, Teen Daughter was sitting on the couch, and it was obvious she had been crying, and was still crying. Ruth had had to take an anti-anxiety pill, and was in a state of detached calm. Teen Daughter then hopped off the couch, told me to sit with her mother, and demanded to speak with Mr. Froggie, whom she refers to as "Caveman Dad." It turns out he has managed to build a rapport with her, so that she feels as comfortable talking to him about "stuff" as she does me.

Ruth filled me in on the day's events from her point of view, then asked me to go talk to Teen Daughter so she could talk to Mr. Froggie.

I actually just sat and listened to Teen Daughter and her "dad" talk for a bit, then when things sort of quieted, sent him to talk to Ruth.

Then I listened to Teen Daughter tell me everything she had told her dad. What she had to say scared me, because of my experience and training with troubled youth in crisis. This girl was definitely in crisis, definitely a danger to herself and others, and I knew she could not be left unattended for any length of time in her current state. I was willing to stay up all night with her if I had to, but I really felt it was best to take her to the hospital. She agreed, saying that if I thought that was best, then she would trust me. I did leave her momentarily -- she agreed to leave her bedroom door open and not harm herself -- and I called Mr. Froggie outside to the front porch. I told him what I thought, and he said he had already been over that with her, and he did not think it was quite that urgent, but he had made her promise to let him know if it did.

Meanwhile, I let him go back inside and finish talking with Ruth, and I then got the children busy helping me prepare dinner. During this time, Teen Daughter came into the kitchen and told me she was still having a hard time. Then she went into the living room and told her other parents that she was having a hard time, and needed to go to the hospital. A few minutes later Mr. Froggie came into the kitchen and told me the plan: the other sitter was coming to get the children for the night, (because he had to work, and the little ones could not be left alone all night, even asleep) and Ruth and I were taking Teen Daughter to the hospital. I had to drive, since Ruth was in no condition to do so.

Let's inject a bit of humor here, to lighten the mood: while waiting at the hospital, we were updating Mr. Froggie with texts, as he was worried and asking what was happening. At some point, when Ruth sent a text from the both of us, and shared it with me, I remarked, "I love sharing him with you." The gravity of this remark comes into play several hours later, as we were on the way home -- I had just remembered that Mr. Froggie would want to know when we had gotten back on the road, but I was driving by then -- so I told Ruth to text him for me and let him know. Just one more advantage of PM, folks.

So anyway... we spent several hours in the emergency room, talking to doctors, nurses, and a crisis counselor. To make a long story short, we ended up finally agreeing to write out a "safety plan" and follow it, in order to bring Teen Daughter home with us, and keep her safe. We were, in fact, really wavering on the fence for quite some time, debating whether or not to have her admitted. The deciding factor was that we would have to drive her two more hours to the nearest children's hospital, as they did not have a psychiatric treatment center for adolescents in that particular city.

I finally got to bed at 4:00 am. Mind you, I had been in my work clothes all this time! So inspite of how tired I was, I did take the time to shower first before going to bed. Then I had to get up at 9:00 and go to work. I had a headache all day, from lack of sleep, lol.

Ruth kept Teen Daughter on the sofa to sleep in the living room, where she could watch her and feel good about keeping her safe. Teen Daughter was every bit as exhausted and drained, and in need of sleep as the rest of us, so Ruth kept her home from school to rest. She slept all day, and woke up feeling much better. Granted, she is still not "out of the woods" yet. Her safety is still tenuous from hour to hour, but she is still making plans for her future, which is a positive sign. She has an appointment to see her counselor tomorrow.

On the other side, Ruth had plans to take her children on a trip to visit a very elderly relative this week, but now must postpone the trip due to this week's crisis.

If anything good can come out of such a major crisis such as what we have just been through -- and I do believe there is something positive to be gained from every negative event -- it is that, 1) Mr. Froggie has gained a new special relationship of trust with Teen Daughter. 2) Teen Daughter knows there are people who truly care about her, people whom she can trust to keep her safe at any cost. 3) Ruth now knows that we are really there for her, that we really do just want to help her, bless her, and support her, 4) Ruth knows she is no longer really alone. We are a FAMILY.

 

[Froggie]

PS: Oh, I forgot to add just a couple more things---

Usually, on nights Ruth works, I can leave once the little ones are asleep, and Teen Daughter is there for an emergency. But last night Mr. Froggie was so concerned for Teen Daughter and the other children, that he called off from work, and stayed the entire night at Ruth's, just to make sure ALL FIVE of the children were safe. Teen Daughter was in fact quite touched when I told her that "Caveman Dad" was so concerned about her that he took the night off work to look out for her. (likewise, I will most likely stay over tonight myself)

After the little children were in bed, and I had showered and gotten myself ready for bed, I went over to spend some time with Mr. Froggie. Teen Daughter was still up at that time, just visiting with her Caveman Dad, and I joined in. At some point during the conversation, Teen Daughter remarked to Mr. Froggie, "By the way, when I get married, I'm prob'ly gonna need someone to walk me down the aisle. Just sayin.'' All I have to say to that is, WOW. :surprise:

 

[Froggie]

Friday, February 17, 2012

Mr. Froggie and I just spent two and a half glorious days alone together, celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary! We checked into a very nice hotel, with a large Jacuzzi tub in the room, and a king sized bed. We had such a wonderful time together.

We checked out of the hotel this morning, and texted Ruth to invite her to meet us for breakfast-- and as fabulous as it was to have Mr. Froggie all to myself for two days, I have to be honest and confess that I sure did miss Ruth something fierce too! :lol:

Then after breakfast we dropped our overnight bags off at home, made out a grocery list, and the three of us went grocery shopping together. I agreed to squish myself in the back seat of our sports car so Ruth could sit up front with Mr. Froggie and reconnect after having been apart from him for so long. She was sooo excited to be with us again, lol! (She's so cute; she cracks me up.)

After we got home, Ruth left us alone again and Mr. Froggie and I spent the rest of the afternoon cuddling on the couch and watching tv until he was ready to go to bed. He does have to work tonight. Ruth is working tonight too, so they will be able to see each other on their breaks, although they do have to be discreet and not reveal the depth of their relationship.

Meanwhile, Ruth did take her children out of town to see her elderly loved one afterall. It was a quick trip, just up there overnight and back the next day, but at least they got to go, and had no real problems.

Teen Daughter is still holding herself together, though she does still need a lot of love, support, and empathy. If anyone feels inclined to offer up some prayers for this child, it would be greatly appreciated. She just came over this evening to have a cry and vent; the poor little kid. I invited her to stay the night so she would not have to be alone in the house, but she declined. Ruth is at work, and the younger children are with the other babysitter overnight, so Teen Daughter is all alone. But as she was leaving she said, "Tell Caveman (her term of endearment for Mr. Froggie) good night and I love him."

And thus concludes my fabulous little mini-vacation. (sigh) Tomorrow I must return to the "real world," and do my part to earn a living to support our large family. :lol: Since we work in the hospitality & entertainment industry, it is going to be super busy this weekend-- it being President's Day on Monday. But that's good-- at least it won't be boring! Heh, heh, heh.

 

[Froggie]

Monday, February 20, 2012

Today I am experiencing a new kind of "speed bump" in the plural marriage: conflict between the husband and the sister wife! And I must say, it is certainly uncomfortable, to say the least! :shock:

Don't worry, it is only a little speed bump, and completely to be expected in any marriage, particularly in the first several months.

It all stems from a breakdown in communication. Those of you who have been following the Froggie Chronicles are aware that Ruth came to us with little experience in keeping and maintaining positive relationships, and what little experience she has was mostly bad.

Much of it is to do with poor communication skills. (In another thread, a member advised developing strong communication skills as the best way to prepare for marriage, and that is very true, whether the marriage is monogamous or plural.)

Fortunately, Mr. Froggie and I have already been through these hurdles, and learned over the years to become more skilled at communicating effectively. Sure, we still have arguments, and we still have miscommunications we have to sort out, but now we don't let it make us insecure about our relationship. So now we can apply our knowledge to helping Ruth. Every day I witness new testimony as to God's purpose in bringing us all together. :8)

As for my role in this: Mr. Froggie and I have both agreed that I will not be discussing the situation with, or advising Ruth very much in this particular situation, but rather, I am just to be a sounding board, and I will let them talk it out together themselves. I agreed with Mr. Froggie last evening as we discussed this, saying, "No, sisterwives certainly do not need to be meddling in each other's marriage." :lol:

So that's all that is new in our family today, as we learn and grow in this new adventure together. I'm sure it is all going to work out fine -- no sense in throwing away such an awesome love for such a small spat. :lol:

 

[Froggie]

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

This journal entry is a bit difficult to write, mostly because it has to do with a lot of inner struggle that is hard to put into words. However, I will try to describe it all to the best of my ability, so that others may relate and learn from it -- or commiserate with me, whatever the case may be. :/

To make a long story short, last week Ruth and I had yet another disagreement. Acknowledging that there are three sides to every story ("his side, her side, and the right side"), I will try to make this as simple as I can....

The fact is, I'm a tender-hearted, over-emotional person. I cannot hide my feelings, no matter how hard I try. If I'm happy the whole world knows it, and exults with me. They either gravitate toward me or want to slap me silly. :lol: If I'm upset, the whole world knows, and unfortunately, they share my misery. They will do anything at all to cheer me up, because it seems the world is coming to an end if I can't smile. And... I will cry at the drop of a hat. Seriously. I cannot even pray aloud at the dinner table without getting emotional! So I NEVER pray out loud. I refuse to attend church prayer meetings. A church brother once tried to tell me that my emotion is a Gift, and I should accept it, and not fight it. Right. I don't think so! It's a curse!

Okay, so there really is a point to this, I promise. Ruth grew up on the extreme opposite of the way I am. If someone cries, it is either because they are very upset and distraught, or because of extreme overflowing of joy. She does not cry about sappy movies or romance novels; she does not cry when she talks about God. She tries very hard not to let anyone see her cry, especially her children. As a result, if her children do see her cry, they know she is EXTREMELY upset, and will "flip out."

Lately I have been showing other emotions besides crying -- which we explain to the children that my "love leaks out of my eyes." I have been showing frustration and even impatience. Ruth says that these emotions cause her children to "flip out." Frankly I don't understand her concern, since she shows a lot of impatience, frustration, and anger, all the time. But then, maybe the children are just used to their mother yelling and being mad all the time, but I am the patient, positive, fun mom. :roll:

So anyway, Ruth asked me to try to refrain from showing these emotions around her children. ?!?! To me, that was like asking me to not be myself, to not be human. I feel it is wrong to shield her children from witnessing human emotion, because they need to learn what human emotion is, how to express it, and how to cope with it. I fear they are becoming emotionally "stunted." Hence the daily tantrums and meltdowns.

After that "discussion," I was upset, to say the least. I sent Ruth a text message the next day, and according to Mr. Froggie, that did not go over very well. He has asked us not to have our "discussions" by text anymore. Of course, he is very wise in saying this. Unfortunately, Ruth and I have not had time to sit down and talk things out, and now I fear the moment has passed. I don't want to talk about it. I want it to just be "water under the bridge."

Apparently Ruth either feels the same way, or senses my reluctance to talk. I went over to visit the other day, but it was for simply a light hearted visit, and nothing more. She seemed to be glad to see me, and wanted to go out shopping and having "girl time" together. I had to decline on that, but we did take the two youngest children out to dinner. The older children were off doing something fun on their own, so we took the youngest ones out for some fun with the moms.

Last night Ruth came over to visit for awhile. I guess we are "okay" again, because we still hug when we part.

But I almost forgot the other point to this entire post! Remember I mentioned butting heads with nine year old "Jessica?" Well Ruth has obviously been doing some thinking of her own, and has begun taking initiative. She is becoming a lot more stern -- while remaining calm at the same time -- and every time Jessica starts back-talking, sassing, or just generally being disrespectful, she is instantly banished to her room for a time out, without further discussion.

Ruth refuses to engage in argument with Jessica until she is calm, and after the time out. Then Ruth explains to Jessica what she said, or how she said it, that was considered disrespectful. The other night, Jessica said something to me in a rather snotty tone, and was instantly banished to her room. When she came back out, Ruth explained to Jessica how she was disrespectful to me, and made her apologize! So progress is being made here. It is slow, oh how it is slow! But it is still progress. (Well done, Ruth!)

And Mr. Froggie has been going with me on the two nights we watch the kids, and doing most of the work. I have just been watching and observing, and only having minimal interaction with the kids--- Mr. Froggie is a GREAT daddy!-- and he is also making a lot of progress with modifying the children's behavior, where I seem to have come to an impasse. This is good, because it is so important for me to still feel positive enough toward the children to want to visit them and just spend time with them, having happy times together, without resenting them.

Last night, even though Ruth was off, Mr. Froggie asked to be awakened early, to go see the children before they went to bed. So we all decided to go, and had some family time together, watching the children play video games before bed. Then Mr. Froggie and Jax read the bedtime stories, and I went home to take a shower before Mr. Froggie had to get ready for work.

Well that's all I have to say for now. Really, it's pretty ordinary, if you think about it, but these are details that are significant in family life, and relationships, and I think other plural families will be glad to know you are not alone in your emotional struggles. We all have these kinds of conflicts, and even though they seem horrendously painful when it is happening, it truly is quite "ordinary" and even "normal."

 

[Froggie]

Friday, March 2, 2012

We're all adults here, right? Okay then, I'm going to divulge a few extra details I've never really discussed here before-- don't worry, it's nothing so explicit as to become pornographic, but it could possibly make us all blush just a bit. :shock:

Here's the story: Ruth has not had any time with Mr. Froggie in the bedroom in... a long time. It isn't for lack of desire, but for lack of opportunity, really. I feel for her, I really do. And it seems over and over poor Ruth has been getting the short straw when it comes to having quality time with our husband. For example, Wednesday is Ruth's own date night with Mr. Froggie, all to herself. But this past Wednesday, Mr. Froggie was called in to work an extra shift (it's supposed to be his night off). It actually turned out to be a split shift, so on his three hours off he went over to Ruth's and watched a movie with her before going back to work. Last week, they spent some time in the bedroom watching a movie together, but Ruth could see that Mr. Froggie's back was hurting very much, so declined his offer to do "more," if you catch my drift. The next day was my date time, and though I was not expecting it, I did get to enjoy some intimate time with my husband. Meanwhile, I was feeling sorry for Ruth being neglected.

Back to this week, all Ruth got to see her husband was just a two hour movie while he was on a split shift for work. The next morning, Thursday, Mr. Froggie and I had to drive into town to get some work done on the car. I won't bore you with the details, but it took the entire day to get this work done. We were not expecting it to take all day, but it was very important that it get done, for safety reasons. There was a big snowstorm blowing in, and we had quite a drive to get home. Late in the day we texted Ruth to let her know our status. She had a fantastic idea: "Why don't you just get a room and spend the night in town?" Wow, if not for her, we would have tried to drive all the way back home, Mr. Froggie having been awake for over 24 hours, and struggling to stay awake, and the roads icy. So we did just that. Of course, we had to stop at a store to get some essentials, since we were not packed for an overnight. Long story short, I ended up getting a full 24 hours with Mr. Froggie all to myself, and some unexpected affection to boot. (Normally, Ruth goes with us to town on Thursdays, but this week Mr. Froggie wanted to leave early, before the little children went to school. That meant Ruth had to stay behind, but it is good she did, since she would not have been home in time to care for them after school.)

This morning, when we returned home, Ruth came over to reunite with us. One of the first things she asked me was if I had received any "intimate time!" Well of course I wasn't going to lie to her, but I felt bad for her, and told her so. She laughed, saying I should not feel bad for having special time with my husband. But the truth and the irony of the matter is, she being so much younger, and a newlywed, her need is much greater than mine-- and yet I am clearly having the most quality time. I feel bad for her. The beautiful thing is that Ruth does not appear to be jealous, though she did tease Mr. Froggie saying that next time she has the opportunity, she is going to be greedy and selfish and take the loving, rather than turn him down for fear of causing him more back pain. :lol: Mr. Froggie and I both affirmed that is exactly what she should do!

(Sigh) Maybe next week Ruth will get her turn. Next Wednesday Mr. Froggie has to go back into town to get a vision checkup. I'm thinking perhaps Ruth will be able to go with him-- in fact, she needs new glasses herself, so I'm hoping she can get an appointment for the same time. I have to work Wednesday, so it would be the perfect opportunity for them to get away for the day together.

There. I hope I did not make anyone terribly uncomfortable by discussing all these intimate details. :shock: But my point is, I believe, that to make a relationship like this work, we have to be able to put others' needs ahead of our own, to always consider the other spouses' feelings, and basically leave Jealousy outside, in the rain. The fact that my own needs for intimacy are being more than adequately fulfilled also enables me to try harder to coordinate more opportunities for Ruth to get her needs met. I'm hoping that if I keep trying, I/we all will be successful.

 

[Froggie]

Monday, March 12, 2012

When I was just 21 years old (more than 20 years ago), I once went on a white water rafting trip with my then-fiance (NOT Mr. Froggie) and his room mate. I have to say, it was an exciting and memorable trip, and I had a great time. We enjoyed a swim in the calm waters, got sunburned, were given sunscreen, stopped for a picnic lunch, ran from a nest of angry Yellow Jackets, and when we came to forks in the river, our guide knew just which one to have us steer to. However, toward the end of the trip, our guide explained to us we were coming to two separate patches of white water, riddled with rocks. These two areas were dubbed "the Hospital," and "the Recovery Room." Well, we made it through the "Hospital" just fine, but when we were coming through the "Recovery Room," our guide shouted, "bump!" and we all leaned inside the raft, as we had been taught. However, that did not help me. As my own bottom went over the offending rock, I suddenly found myself airborne, and landing in the water! I quickly turned onto my back as I had been instructed, scraping my back over more rocks as I was carried downward by the current. As I neared the raft (our guide had shouted at our other passengers to start back paddling, to stall the raft for me), our guide reached down, grabbed hold of my life jacket, and hauled me into the raft like a drowned kitten.

Later, I asked my fiance if he was worried when he heard I was overboard. He smiled and said, "At first I was, but only for a minute because I had faith that our guide would save you."

I never realized what a great simile that particular experience would be in my life until today!

In the comparison of plural marriage, the Froggie Family is currently on a white water rafting trip. And we are going through some serious rocky patches! But we have a fabulously experienced Guide, and we can trust Him to steer us on the right course when we come to forks in the river, to always carry a first aid kit when we get sunburned or stung by insects, and adequate food and water for our journey. And... we can even trust that He will save us and haul our sorry behinds back into the raft if we get bumped overboard by a vicious rock. :lol:

Last week I ordered a big package from Love & Logic, with high hopes that it would help me proceed in this journey, from the impasse I seem to have come to, in terms of disciplining the younger children. The package arrived, and I spent two days totally immersed, studying, learning, and rehearsing. I went over to visit Ruth, showing her what I had, and telling her what I had learned so far. Her reaction was favorable: "That's awesome!" she remarked. But Mr. Froggie was skeptical, though he was glad I was making an effort.

So last night I went over to Ruth's with Mr. Froggie to take care of the children while Ruth got ready for work. I was trying to practice my new skills, but it wasn't going so well. Mr. Froggie called me into the other room and told me I was moving too fast. I got frustrated, and had to leave. I went home to spend time with some well behaved children (Marcus and Jax), and to soak in a nice hot bath.

Later, Mr. Froggie and I talked before he went to work. At one point in the conversation, he actually suggested we break off the whole relationship! When I asked what that would do to Ruth, and to himself, he hung his head for a minute without saying a word, then looked up and said, "Look what this is doing to YOU! My commitment to you is still stronger than my commitment to them." But deep in my heart, I know that this family is meant to come together as one. Deep in my heart, I know breaking this off would hurt Mr. Froggie every bit as much as it would hurt the rest of our family. And deep in my heart, I know this is the path our Guide intends for us to take.

So we changed the direction of our discussion back to the children. It is true, that they are developmentally delayed in terms of discipline, responsibility, coping skills, and emotional development, which may call for some different tactics, and at a different level. It is also true that the three of us are not all on the same page when it comes to disciplining and raising children, although Mr. Froggie and I are a little closer together than Ruth is. I do know that regardless, we need to sit down and have a parent meeting, just the three of us, about how to proceed in disciplining and raising the children, because what we are doing so far-- with all three of us doing something different-- is not working. It's kind of like being in a raft, going through the white water: if everyone is all paddling in opposite directions, without any synchronized purpose, the raft just spins around in circles and doesn't get anywhere. If one member of the group is overboard, everyone needs to be working together, following the guide's instructions to save the member that's in the water, and get him or her back into the raft.

 

[Froggie]

Thursday, March 22, 2012

A little "bird" sent me an email the other day expressing concern that it had been A WHOLE WEEK since I've posted anything! :shock: Goodness, gracious, has it really been that long? Lol.

So I will apologize right off the bat for the mundane nature of this journal entry, however, I will strive to make it as interesting as I possibly can. :lol: Unfortunately, there is only so much one can say about regular, day to day life, even in a newlywed plural marriage.

As it turns out, I just returned from a nice visit with Ruth. I do have to work the swing shift today, but I had some time to go over and visit with her upon waking this morning. (We have been missing our "girl time" together since my work schedule has been a bit wonky) She made me a pot of coffee, and we just chatted while she sorted through the children's clothing-- they've all just finished a major growth spurt, and are ready to advance into the next size-- she was culling the items that are too small for donation or for handing down to a younger child, and pulling larger sizes out of storage. This is a task best done while little divas are in school, or nothing will be parted with, lol!

The good news is, certain "programs" we have been putting in place do seem to be working! If you may recall, a couple of months ago I suggested to Ruth to drastically reduce the number of clothing the children had in inventory, in order to simplify their lives and to reduce her own workload. Although she agreed to try it, the task was met with much drama. BUT... she told me this morning that it is really working out for her, and she is much happier, that it was definitely a smart idea, and she is glad she agreed to try it.

Other things are going better too. For one thing, Mr. Froggie has recently transferred from the night shift to the day shift! It has been quite an adjustment for him, as he is still having great difficulty sleeping at night. But I am totally loving seeing him awake when I come home from work in the evenings! I am totally loving having time with him in the evenings! And the last couple of afternoons, Ruth came over with the children to visit, now that the daddy is awake, so they can come over and not worry about making a lot of noise. The thing that is most delightful to report, however, is that I actually enjoyed having the children come over. You recall I have been struggling with them, and with their behavior, and the resentment I feel as a result of those problems. But I am pleased to say I quite enjoyed their visits the last couple of days -- in fact, I commented to Ruth and to Mr. Froggie that the children were even "delicious."

Here's another dynamic worth noting: You may recall it is actually nine year old Jessica I seem to butt heads with the most. Well, she has really been working hard on changing her behavior, and trying to show more respect. Credit to not only her, but to Ruth and Mr. Froggie, who have been most diligent at pointing out her mistakes and urging her to try again in a more respectful tone. Well, Jessica is trying so hard to reach out to me, and to gain reassurance of my love, bless her heart. The last two days when she was over visiting with her siblings, she spent the entire time on her daddy's lap, of course. But when it was time to go outside and play, she made a point of coming over to me for a hug. Then... she grabs hold of my face to line it up just so, and plants a smooch right on my lips. Bless her heart. She really is trying to be "good."

On to other more mundane matters: Now that Mr. Froggie's work schedule has changed, so has our arrangement for quality time, family time, marital time, date time, etc. Last week, Ruth actually got quite a bit of quality time with our husband, as I had to work, so could not join them. They had to take some trips into town for shopping and doctor appointments and such. Ruth really needed that time, and I am very glad she was able to have it. Another evening, when Ruth was working, Mr. Froggie planned a little surprise for her: he was there, in her house, fast asleep when she arrived home the next morning! She was totally not expecting that, and it just made her whole day. The children were off at the other babysitter's for the night, so they were able to have a few hours to just snuggle without interlopers climbing into bed with them, lol. But other than that, we really have not worked out a "schedule" yet. I think we are pretty much going to have to allow for more spontaneity, and take each day as it comes now.

Which brings me to another subject we women often forget in the plural marriage: We are often talking about *our* needs, and how we each need time with our husband, and time for ourselves, and girl time, etc. But Mr. Froggie brought up a valid point when he stated, "I have needs too." This was in the context of my suggestion that we go over and spend time with Ruth and the children. But Mr. Froggie was tired. And he added, "And tonight I *need* to spend time with just you and Jax." Well, I have to confess, that on one hand I was a bit worried, and disappointed. I do so want this marriage between Mr. Froggie and Ruth to work out, and the first year of any marriage is such a vulnerable time... and yet on the other hand, I was pleased to be *chosen* for the evening. Yes, I do still have a part of me that is willing to be selfish and gobble up all the time Mr. Froggie wants to spend with me. :lol:

So anyway... now that the work schedule has changed, we have to change the dynamics of how family time is spent. We will work it out, and I'm sure that once we do, it will be fabulous. Meanwhile, that is just one of the more "mundane" aspects of life in the Froggie Family, and no doubt relevant to all plural family households.

 

[Froggie]

Thursday, March 29, 2012

So far I've talked a lot about nine year old "Jessica." Well, today, I am going to talk a little bit about ten year old "Heather." Heather is a very sweet little girl, blossoming quickly into a young woman physically, but still just a little girl in every other way. She does have some trouble focusing, and uses the diagnoses of ADHD to get away with not listening/not obeying. But really she is a very sweet, loving child who befriends others easily -- too easily, in the case of adults she does not know.

Heather was very quick to call us "Mom and Dad" when it was announced to the children that we were merging our families. It was her idea first to call us "Aunt and Uncle" when the children became attached to us. And she loves hugs, craves affection, and lots of attention. However, just the other evening, she pulled me into her bedroom for a "talk." Heather loves to talk to me, about important stuff. It is easier for her to talk to me about things like puberty and growing up, than it is to talk to Ruth, her biological mother.

This past evening, one of the important subjects Heather wanted to discuss was hugging her new dad. Up until this point, she has been the one to initiate affection, demanding hugs from Mr. Froggie. But just recently (I suspect this may directly correlate to her growing bra size), she has become uncomfortable with hugging her new dad. She was not sure what she should do about it, not wanting to offend him or hurt his feelings, even fearing that he might be angry! I assured her that Mr. Froggie would never force affection upon her that she is not comfortable with, nor should she be expected to accept it.

I assured her that she needs to talk to her daddy about this, and that he would totally understand. She asked me if I would stay in the room with them when she talked to him. "Of course." So she talked to her daddy, and explained her feelings. Part of this included some history. Heather was inappropriately touched by a male friend of her mother's some time back, and she has not quite gotten over it. Totally understandable. And since Mr. Froggie is not her biological father, and she has only just gotten to know him recently, and is still getting to know him, well.... you get the picture.

So of course, as I assured Heather, Mr. Froggie was completely understanding, and again expressed his great sincere fatherly love for Heather. He assured her that he would never touch her inappropriately, and certainly not on purpose. He assured her that he does not want her to accept any affection she is not comfortable with. And yet... Heather is clearly still expressing a need for some kind of physical connection... so I suggested a fist bump. She likes that. She is fine with hugging me, being a woman. She was concerned that Mr. Froggie might feel "left out," by her hugging me and not him, so she asked him if he was okay with it, bless her heart. :lol:

So there you go. One more dynamic within the blended plural family. It is something many of you fathers out there may find helpful as you also cultivate relationships with daughters who are not yours biologically, and who are entering that "in between" stage of their lives where they are confused about sharing affection with a father who is not blood kin.

 

[Froggie]

Monday, 4/9/2012

Last evening (Easter) we had a nice dinner together, in celebration of what Jesus did for us. We had a couple of extra guests at the table besides the ten of us. Anyway, at some point, the children, in their joy were telling our other guests about our "odd" family union: "Our daddy married our mom!" We adults managed to hush the children and divert the conversation. Later, nine year old Jessica was asking outright why we could not just go up on the mountain top and announce to the whole world that we are a plural family. Mr. Froggie tried to explain to the best of his ability, and at a level that a nine year old child could understand. Jessica even asked if this also meant she could have two husbands when she grows up. I explained that no, God says that is not okay. One man can have more than one wife, but a woman can only have one husband. I told her I don't really understand it, and I don't know if it is fair or not, but I don't care because that is what God says, and God is God...

On the other hand, I totally understand where Jessica is coming from: I too wish we could just announce it to everyone, blatantly and publicly be who we are, and the rest of the world can go eat popsicles! :shock: But both Mr. Froggie and Ruth absolutely insist we cannot tell a soul.

I actually told my mother the other day, via email. I gave her a link to this blog. She read all six pages. She called me on the phone for my birthday. She touched on the subject briefly. Mostly she is curious, and wondering how in the world I came to this kind of lifestyle, but I think she is okay with it. Intrigued, curious, even fascinated, but not terribly upset.

Last night I informed Mr. Froggie I had told my mother. Oh my. He was upset. He has made me swear not to tell anyone else. Darn. I am soooo wanting to tell at least our other extended family: my step-mother and our siblings. But he has forbade it. And for the record, it is not because Mr. Froggie is ashamed: Ruth is terribly nervous about certain people trying to take her kids away because they perceive this union as "immoral" in some way.

It's just frustrating. This is HUGE! This is too big to keep a secret! I want to just tell everyone and live our lives as one. And at the same time, Ruth is pretty much still living her life as a single parent, and cannot admit that she is in fact married when close friends and associates notice her wedding ring. "It's complicated" she tells them.

This evening we three were talking on the front porch some about this. Right now merging us all into one house is pretty much impossible, but in about three years all of the teenagers will be gone off to college or in their own apartments, and we can then merge the three parents and four youngest children into one house. At that time we can feel more free to be who we are, and answer questions as they come-- especially if the Lord leads us to move to a new region by then. Not that I don't love where we are, because I do! But everyone knows us here already, and too many people would talk, and it could cause some issues, especially with the people who like to stir up trouble.

Anyway, the whole point I was trying to make was how the children are excited about this and don't understand why they can't announce it to the world, especially if God says it's okay. And I totally agree with them. And yet.... we must still keep it secret.

 

[Froggie]

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

In light of a recent posting, I have decided to make this my final blog entry in the Froggie Family Chronicles. I realize that perhaps one of the reasons more plural couples are not blogging is because of the hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and conflicts that result. Make no mistake; this has indeed happened multiple times in my own family, which is one of the reasons Ruth and Mr. Froggie have not been participating. In fact, Ruth has not been reading our blog of late. She logged on again this morning and was very shocked and hurt by something she read here. I confess, I had been warned by another wise and caring reader of this forum through private message, but I did not heed the advice. Now I am filled with remorse and regret for causing Ruth and Mr. Froggie more pain.

Truth be told, they were both not comfortable with this blog from the beginning, but graciously went along with it, and tolerated me "airing our dirty laundry" before the world. They again expressed discomfort recently, but did not forbid me from continuing. Now I am making the decision of my own free will, to stop blogging, out of respect for the feelings of my husband and my sister wife. We have been officially plural now for four months, and I hope it will continue. In fact, I am confident it will, and that we will get over this little speed bump as well. But I need to stop blogging about it. I will possibly pop in once a month just to say "Yep, we're still together, and it's still working." And I plan to continue keeping a personal journal that is only for me to read-- I have kept a personal journal since I was twelve years old. The introspection is vital to my personal growth, and therapeutic as well. I also plan to continue participating in the other discussions here at Biblical Families.

Y'all keep keeping on. I only hope that by starting this blog, I have been able to help others in their own journey through plural marriage.

Blessings,

Froggie

 

[CecilW]

Editorial Note:

My immense thanks to Froggie, Mr Froggie, and Ruth who, however reluctantly, have allowed us this wonderfully candid glimpse into the process by which they have become a family.

This has been done so very openly that even thoughts, questions, doubts, and fears have been expressed, including some over whether the family has made the right choice in becoming a committed plural family. I want to address that briefly.

We can’t stop birds from flying overhead, but CAN stop them from nesting in our hair. ALL KINDS of thoughts occur to folks in and out of PMs, and sometimes even get considered for a few minutes before common sense and true values and love and all the rest of the GOOD STUFF in life kick in and cause the stupidity to be ejected! Hopefully everyone in the family and everyone of us understands that.

It happens in monogamous marriages. Men and women both wonder whether they made the right choice of a mate, and what their lives might have been like had they married someone else or stayed single. Kids even wonder about having different parents!

No wonder it happens in poly families, too. Their HUMAN, and FAMILIES, and blessed with IMAGINATIONS! :roll:

Oh, well. The insanity passes and we press on, giving thanks for how things have in fact worked out. I see that in this family on lots of levels, and am so proud of them! Not that I've got anything to be proud of, mind, I just posted the entries. But y'all understand.

I do hope the day will come when the Froggie family will all feel comfortable about joining in the blog. They've become very dear to our hearts. *coupla tears*