Welcome! I'm not a frequent poster here but I did feel like my two cents might help. Some of this has already been said by others but I figured I needed to repeat some of it in order for my thoughts to be presented in their entirety. Please understand I'm not trying to be mean but just calling things as clearly as I can. This will be a bit blunt.
1. For me it's a huge red flag that he didn't bring this up to his wife before now. I am by no means saying he needed permission because he doesn't. It's his household and he can handle it as he wants but it does sound like he's more scared of his wife than leading. Leadership would require that he communicates much earlier in the process and then helps his wife to come down the road alongside him instead of running off on his own and keeping secrets. Communication is a cornerstone of a relationship and that goes double for marriage. How can a man lead if he doesn't even talk? How can he set an example if he hides his actions?
2. Everything the ladies have said here about adjustment and grieving for the first wife is 100% true. My wife was on board with the concept of poly from day one and she still had a tremendous amount of emotions to work through. It's taken a long time and there's still a mountain of stuff that comes up month to month. I'm talking years here before things are probably going to be smooth. Just don't expect one or two conversations to work everything out.
3. Make sure you have a good understanding of his household. Due to item 1 on this list I would suggest you pay extra close attention to how he treats his first wife and how he handles her through this process. That will be a good indicator of how things will be for you when difficulty comes along. Don't think that you will be treated any better than how he treats her. Remember that no matter how far you might feel you're in love with him and he with you the same was most likely true for them in the past as well. The difference being they aren't in a honeymoon phase so you hopefully get to see the unfiltered version of him. What he does in the following weeks and months will reveal a portion of his character. Keep your eyes open.
4. This is entirely opinion on my part so take it with a grain of salt. Understand that emotions cloud good decision making especially when it comes to the rest of your life type decisions. Marriage being the one in the spotlight at the moment. If you haven't already done so taking a step back from the situation and really seeing if it's the right situation for you would be a good idea. I am saying this with the full belief that God intends marriage for everyone and that it's in his design. Just make sure their family situation is where God is leading you. One thing that God has always been faithful with in my life is when I pray for him to remove something from my life if it's not the way he wants me to go. I'm not talking about praying "Lord please take something away" and then holding on to it with white knuckles. I am talking about "Lord in as a painful away as you see fit remove from my life this thing if it is not in your plan". He is faithful in my experience. I have experienced tremendous pain followed by tremendous peace as a result of that prayer. It's also a great way to make sure you're submitting your life to him.
5. Take your time if you get to the point where you are legitimately courting. Don't rush the process and realize that you are coming into an already established situation so a lot of the rules that are culturally normal simply don't apply. There is a lot to figure out and there will be even more for them to figure out as an existing marriage.
Lastly there's just something about your original post that really brought up a warning claxin in the back of my brain. The general feel I get from reading this thread is that he needs to sort out his own household and really doesn't have a handle on it. Adding in another wife when his existing household isn't in order is in my mind completely divorcing yourself from wisdom. I know emotions are most likely high and people sound like they have already become more than friends. But simply being emotionally connected to someone in my opinion is not a good reason to marry them. I know there are those who will disagree and that's okay. Just realize the Bible is very clear that the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things (Jeremiah 17:9). Emotions cloud good judgment. Another term for good judgment is wisdom.
1. For me it's a huge red flag that he didn't bring this up to his wife before now. I am by no means saying he needed permission because he doesn't. It's his household and he can handle it as he wants but it does sound like he's more scared of his wife than leading. Leadership would require that he communicates much earlier in the process and then helps his wife to come down the road alongside him instead of running off on his own and keeping secrets. Communication is a cornerstone of a relationship and that goes double for marriage. How can a man lead if he doesn't even talk? How can he set an example if he hides his actions?
2. Everything the ladies have said here about adjustment and grieving for the first wife is 100% true. My wife was on board with the concept of poly from day one and she still had a tremendous amount of emotions to work through. It's taken a long time and there's still a mountain of stuff that comes up month to month. I'm talking years here before things are probably going to be smooth. Just don't expect one or two conversations to work everything out.
3. Make sure you have a good understanding of his household. Due to item 1 on this list I would suggest you pay extra close attention to how he treats his first wife and how he handles her through this process. That will be a good indicator of how things will be for you when difficulty comes along. Don't think that you will be treated any better than how he treats her. Remember that no matter how far you might feel you're in love with him and he with you the same was most likely true for them in the past as well. The difference being they aren't in a honeymoon phase so you hopefully get to see the unfiltered version of him. What he does in the following weeks and months will reveal a portion of his character. Keep your eyes open.
4. This is entirely opinion on my part so take it with a grain of salt. Understand that emotions cloud good decision making especially when it comes to the rest of your life type decisions. Marriage being the one in the spotlight at the moment. If you haven't already done so taking a step back from the situation and really seeing if it's the right situation for you would be a good idea. I am saying this with the full belief that God intends marriage for everyone and that it's in his design. Just make sure their family situation is where God is leading you. One thing that God has always been faithful with in my life is when I pray for him to remove something from my life if it's not the way he wants me to go. I'm not talking about praying "Lord please take something away" and then holding on to it with white knuckles. I am talking about "Lord in as a painful away as you see fit remove from my life this thing if it is not in your plan". He is faithful in my experience. I have experienced tremendous pain followed by tremendous peace as a result of that prayer. It's also a great way to make sure you're submitting your life to him.
5. Take your time if you get to the point where you are legitimately courting. Don't rush the process and realize that you are coming into an already established situation so a lot of the rules that are culturally normal simply don't apply. There is a lot to figure out and there will be even more for them to figure out as an existing marriage.
Lastly there's just something about your original post that really brought up a warning claxin in the back of my brain. The general feel I get from reading this thread is that he needs to sort out his own household and really doesn't have a handle on it. Adding in another wife when his existing household isn't in order is in my mind completely divorcing yourself from wisdom. I know emotions are most likely high and people sound like they have already become more than friends. But simply being emotionally connected to someone in my opinion is not a good reason to marry them. I know there are those who will disagree and that's okay. Just realize the Bible is very clear that the heart is deceitfully wicked above all things (Jeremiah 17:9). Emotions cloud good judgment. Another term for good judgment is wisdom.
