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Southerngirl00

Member
Hey I’m new here and was directed to this site by the guy I’m talking to who wants a poly lifestyle. I have several questions about poly because neither of us have considered it before. How does it work? How do you slowly work your way into someone else’s family without stepping on the other spouse’s toes? Would you have a time period that you would wait for them to bring this idea up to their spouse? We have been talking 1.5 years now but spouse still does not know and this idea was brought up in the last 8 months or so. Thanks in advance.
 
Shalom and welcome. First I would make sure wife #1 knows as it could be a BIG disaster. There are some who can speak from experience here.
 
Welcome!
One of the most important things to know about marriage in general, not just plural marriage, is communication. The guy you're talking to needs to bring this up with his wife, and soon. The longer he waits, the worse it will be.
She's going to have a lot to deal with, and it will probably take her a while to process it all.
There is no length of time that is right for her processing it, or you becoming part of the family, each person is an individual.
Please understand that the wife is probably going to feel very betrayed that he is currently talking with you about becoming part of the family behind her back, so she's going to have to deal with that along with the usual issues of learning about poly.
 
Hi and welcome to Biblical Families. You are in the right place to ask those sorts of questions. Everyone's experiences will differ as we are all in unique situations in life. Search the forum threads for topics that are important to you and read as much as you can. The wider your knowledge on all the different aspects of polygyny the better equipped you will be to deal with whatever comes your way. May God bless you with wisdom as you journey this path of life. Shalom
 
Mark C said:
Some of us here will also suggest that unless the prospective husband has a Biblical worldview and attitude, and is able to demonstrate the kind of 'headship' that marriage requires, it's a non-starter...
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He is very strong in his faith and has been reading more parts of the Bible that refer to multiple wives to help his understanding along with sharing it with me. He is also the one who has opened me up to reading the Bible and learning about it.
 
Welcome!
You guys are on, to say the least, an interesting journey.
I echo the “bring the wife up to speed” advice. It can’t be stressed enough.
 
MemeFan said:
Something stinks.

He is sharing with you, but no mention of sharing with his wife?
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I agree. 1.5 years is a long time to keep a secret relationship. Smells of doubt, cowardice, and sin. He's on here, so he can read this. Man, if that's the whole story, you are headed for disaster and taking two women with you. You've read and learned that the authority is yours. Don't you know that means the judgment is also on your head? It sounds like you have built on sand.
 
Speaking to another woman first, for about 8 months, a woman he is not married to, about his thoughts of his marriage changing to a plural setup seems disrespectful to the one he is actually married to. I’m not saying getting permission but, for lack of better words, being ‘man’ enough to tell his wife about plural marriage before continuing on discussing with you sounds like a must to me. Not doing so is a recipe for not only feelings of hurt, heartbreak and betrayal but for a very difficult start into plural marriage.
Conversations about such a big change should be had between husband and wife before he is discussing with any potential addition. As mentioned by others, communication is vitally important in poly. That is something that is coming across as sorely lacking from him towards his wife based on what you’ve shared.
 
primrose said:
Speaking to another woman first, for about 8 months, a woman he is not married to, about his thoughts of his marriage changing to a plural setup seems disrespectful to the one he is actually married to. I’m not saying getting permission but, for lack of better words, being ‘man’ enough to tell his wife about plural marriage before continuing on discussing with you sounds like a must to me. Not doing so is a recipe for not only feelings of hurt, heartbreak and betrayal but for a very difficult start into plural marriage.
Conversations about such a big change should be had between husband and wife before he is discussing with any potential addition. As mentioned by others, communication is vitally important in poly. That is something that is coming across as sorely lacking from him towards his wife based on what you’ve shared.
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You make some valid points. I wonder how I’d react in the position if I found out my spouse had been talking to someone for a length of time without my knowledge. This is why I’m asking advice because it helps see it in different perspectives that I hadn’t.
 
Southerngirl00 said:
Any advice on how this can be brought up to the spouse and what I can do to be supportive in whatever comes out of the discussion?
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What you can do to be supportive of the wife:
Give her distance.
Let her grieve. She is giving up a full ideology that she had, and there is a grief process associated with that.
Understand that this grieving process will be different for every woman. She may want quiet time alone. She may want to scream. She may want to meet with you and talk this out. She may want nothing to do with you.
She will 100% at the start, think that you are trying to take away her husband, no matter how much her husband tells her this is not true. Let her know that from your end that is absolutely not the case.
Let her know she can come on here and the women here will support her, in public and/or in private if need be.
Understand that the husband is going to need to spend a lot of time loving on and leading his wife, and that this may mean that he doesn't have as much time for you for a certain period. Don't nag at him about speaking more, let him get his house in order. Allowing him to lay the foundation of a solid marriage with a wife who feels supported, loved, and heard, is only going to be beneficial for you later if you enter the family.
 
Southerngirl00 said:
Any advice on how this can be brought up to the spouse and
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In my opinion, that’s for the husband to figure out.
Southerngirl00 said:
what I can do to be supportive in whatever comes out of the discussion?
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That is thoughtful of you to want to be supportive. Unfortunately this is between him and is wife to figure out and, the way I see it, you are being put in a difficult place by knowing intimate information his wife is not yet aware of. Not quite the ideal situation for you as I guess you would like to eventually be on good terms with her.
I can understand that you now have feelings for a married man and it would be hard to stop discussing your relationship matters until he speaks to his wife about it. I imagine that it would also be hard for you if he finally spoke to her and it didn’t go well, leaving you in limbo. I’d spend some time in prayer on that one. It’s a tough spot to be in.
 
primrose said:
In my opinion, that’s for the husband to figure out.

That is thoughtful of you to want to be supportive. Unfortunately this is between him and is wife to figure out and, the way I see it, you are being put in a difficult place by knowing intimate information his wife is not yet aware of. Not quite the ideal situation for you as I guess you would like to eventually be on good terms with her.
I can understand that you now have feelings for a married man and it would be hard to stop discussing your relationship matters until he speaks to his wife about it. I imagine that it would also be hard for you if he finally spoke to her and it didn’t go well, leaving you in limbo. I’d spend some time in prayer on that one. It’s a tough spot to be in.
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This has been a dilemma I’ve been worried about. I’ve wondered what if she isn’t okay with the idea or just flat out says no then where does this leave me? I’ve even brought these concerns to him.
 
Southerngirl00 said:
Any advice on how this can be brought up to the spouse
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He has to do it...
Southerngirl00 said:
I wonder how I’d react in the position if I found out my spouse had been talking to someone for a length of time without my knowledge. This is why I’m asking advice because it helps see it in different perspectives that I hadn’t.
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She may respond well, but by the fact that he hasn’t shared it with her over the last year and a half would lead me to believe she will not. The depth of your relationship with him with greatly impact how she views you as well. Plural is a rough ride for the vast majority of women, even when there isn’t already a someone in the picture.

I applaud you for caring about her feelings too. That is a good start. I’ve documented a bit of my heartbreak from my husbands discovery of plural on my blog if you want a bit more insight into a first wife’s ugly emotions. https://whenwebecamethree.wixsite.com/home

I do hope he comes on here and has some convos and advice from the men, as the weight of everything really lays on his shoulders.
 
WifeOfHisYouth said:
He has to do it...

She may respond well, but by the fact that he hasn’t shared it with her over the last year and a half would lead me to believe she will not. The depth of your relationship with him with greatly impact how she views you as well. Plural is a rough ride for the vast majority of women, even when there isn’t already a someone in the picture.

I applaud you for caring about her feelings too. That is a good start. I’ve documented a bit of my heartbreak from my husbands discovery of plural on my blog if you want a bit more insight into a first wife’s ugly emotions. https://whenwebecamethree.wixsite.com/home

I do hope he comes on here and has some convos and advice from the men, as the weight of everything really lays on his shoulders.
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Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts and I’ll definitely give the blog a read.
 
Southerngirl00 said:
You make some valid points. I wonder how I’d react in the position if I found out my spouse had been talking to someone for a length of time without my knowledge. This is why I’m asking advice because it helps see it in different perspectives that I hadn’t.
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I can only speak for myself and how something comes together is as important as what the outcome is. It’s an erosion of trust and I would have in the back of my mind (even if it worked out in my favor), that he could do that to me at some point in the future for any number of reasons.
You are in the right heart space and coming with a tenderness for others shows empathetic qualities worthy of respect. It is evident you are seeking to honor God with your actions. Feel free to msg me directly if you ever want to vent, ask or share :)
 
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