Chasing my (rejection) blues away, without going where the...

[The Revolting Man]

OK, so somehow this thread got derailed into a thread about tithing.

Still it gets frustrating to think about what I could have done better, and with no future prospects in sight, that gets frustrating as well. What do you guys do to console yourself about that, when you lose out on one potential second, and you don't see another potential second on the horizon?

In the most polygonous of societies about 15 percent of men have multiple wives. Are you among the top 15% of men? It’s possible but not likely since 85% of men are not obviously.

Be grateful for what to have and stop pining for what you don’t. Commit yourself to the struggle towards patriarchy and for supporting those men who do have more than one wife.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

Yeah. I am kinda worn out in that struggle. Right now my main struggle is to solidify myself a little more in ny career so that I can have the means to care for my family, and however many wives and children God may entrust me with. I just don't want those negative thoughts to interefere with that endeavor. I do appreciate the efforts of others to struggle on (hopefully one day) my behalf, and I hope others can appreciate the efforts I have already put forth to struggle on behalf of those who now and perhaps in the future will have this opportunity.

The 15% math occurs in cultures where one man gets a bunch of wives for himself. It does inevitably lead to age gaps in marriage, which is not something I am against. I am not one who believes everyone should have a wife, but certainly denying good men a wife, is not ideal either. If every man who is capable of loving two women were able to have two wives, I would think that would be the ideal, and those who cling to complimentarianism, should probably just stick with having only one wife. Age gap marriage works even better to enable it to work out mathematically for more men to have a second wife, when the women themselves are having at minimum, four children each. Then as men die off, widows become available for those capable of loving more women.

I don't think we ought to model Christian polygyny after the societies where only 15% of men have multiple wives, when many of the men who do have more than one, are not really capable of providing for their wives and children, and are relying on foreign aid from groups such as World Vision and US Foreign Aid. Also, many of those societies have been able to facilitate more polygyny in the past, because many of the young men died in tribal warfare.

 

[FollowingHim]

The 15% math occurs in cultures where one man gets a bunch of wives for himself.

No, it's pure statistics. Check how many marriageable men vs women are present in our society. The excess of women is not particularly large, there are simply not enough women for everybody to have two wives. The only time everybody can be polygamous is if BOTH:

• The population is rapidly growing (ie many more people in the next generation than the current one, AND
• There is a sizeable age gap in most marriages, with men from one generation marrying women in the next generation which has a higher population.

That condition only exists today in some African countries. Population growth is too stagnant everywhere else. In the West, 15% is probably a generous estimate of what is possible - for young and middle-aged adults. Among the elderly there is a higher disparity in numbers because men die off sooner than women, so you might be able to get to higher rates of polygamy once people reach the age of 70 or older and are marrying widows.

I've explored this in detail at this thread:
https://biblicalfamilies.org/forum/threads/gender-ratios-and-age-at-marriage.14246/#post-167069

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

Either way, I am not really all that concerned about the 15% statistic.

 

[rockfox]

These are times that try men's souls. Another wife would be great, excellent, helpful, wonderful. But I've got bigger issues on my mind most days.

If God brings one or a woman puts herself forward great. But really not my focus at the moment.

• The population is rapidly growing (ie many more people in the next generation than the current one, AND

• There is a sizeable age gap in most marriages, with men from one generation marrying women in the next generation which has a higher population

Both of these are positive conditions.

And by sizable, a 5 year age gap is sizable enough if there is a good birth rate.

 

[FollowingHim]

Both of these are positive conditions.

Agreed. But as the first does not exist for most of us (we live in countries with low birth rates), the second is irrelevant (whether it's 5 years or 20 years, it makes no difference statistically as there is not a good birth rate).

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

Agreed. But as the first does not exist for most of us (we live in countries with low birth rates), the second is irrelevant (whether it's 5 years or 20 years, it makes no difference statistically as there is not a good birth rate).

Boy, just when I was starting to have a positive outlook, ya gotta rain on my parade!

 

[Keith Martin]

Agreed. But as the first does not exist for most of us (we live in countries with low birth rates), the second is irrelevant (whether it's 5 years or 20 years, it makes no difference statistically as there is not a good birth rate).

Boy, just when I was starting to have a positive outlook, ya gotta rain on my parade!

Well, Daniel, put it all together, and all you have to do is take your parade to a 3rd world country dominated by Islam or endless tribal battling, because that's where the birth rates are high enough to create those conditions that foster the easy fetching of young brides.

Or, you can get your current wife to agree to divorce you but remain as your wife, freeing you up to import a needy young thing from another culture with the lure of a marriage license that will qualify her for citizenship.

 

[FollowingHim]

Or, just wait till you're old enough to find all those elderly widows attractive and then collect a wrinkly harem where you are.

 

[rockfox]

Agreed. But as the first does not exist for most of us (we live in countries with low birth rates), the second is irrelevant (whether it's 5 years or 20 years, it makes no difference statistically as there is not a good birth rate).

But it's a little more nuanced than that.

For example many Christian subcultures have high birth rates.

And in our society monogamy isn't resulting in a wife in every pot. Instead women are ending up alone and childless (or single mothers) because even in a state of monogamy there are many men whom women will not marry; they'd just as soon be alone. That and the widespread hookup culture is leading to large numbers of unmarriageable women.

So those women (more or less) are a pool of marriage prospects that will not detract from monogamous men's options.

 

[Tesfalcon]

What are some thoughts/activities/Bible verses that have helped those of you who have been rejected, cope with those discouraging feelings?

1)This is a numbers game. 1 in 1000 will consider poly. 1 in 100 of them might be interested in u. 1 in 10 of them are worth considering. 3 out of 5 of them will still reject you.
2) Look for the Nos. If u have to go through 100 rejections to get to a Yes to just chat, ask away & start your counter.
3) Learn why. What question did u ask or news u supplied turn her tail?
4) Add that to your initial contact w the next possible. Adding the hard part in the beginning, allows them to pre-sort themselves. This prevents wasted time w eventual Nos, so u can focus on Maybes.
5) Hope for the best. Expect the worst.
6) God's choice will keep saying Yes.

 

[Tesfalcon]

No. It's this new thing they got called "online giving". Of course they also take checks, which you can send to them but you have to have this thing called a "checkbook", and the church sends you these things they call "offering envelopes". They should come with the name of the church printed on the front, and the location of the church, and may also have your name and where you might be located. You will need to find this place called a "post office", where you can purchase these things called "postage stamps", you can then peel one of them off, and affix it to the aforementioned, offering envelope. The aforementioned checkbook has these things called "checks" inside. Now before you can get a checkbook, you need to go to this place commonly referred to as a "bank" or a "credit union". You will need to go there, and take some cash, and give it to someone at the bank. You may need to wait in a line in order to do so. The person you give it to, is usually someone who sits or stands behind a counter, and wears a badge with the emblem of the bank or credit union. Tell them that you want to open up an "account". They will give you a choice as to which type of account that you can choose from. Choose wisely, because some of them have recurring fees. They will give you a set of temporary checks or cheques if you live in the UK, and you can use those. It has a number of entries where you can write the name of the church that you wish to pay your tithe to, and the amount of the tithe in both numeric and word form, put the current date at the top, and sign your name at the bottom of the check. Then you can place the check into the aforementioned offering envelope. The envelope they send you is sealable, so you will want to seal it. Then you take the offering envelope, either to a post office, or you can use this thing called a "mailbox". Some of these mailboxes have a special compartment labelled "outgoing". Others have a flat piece of metal that is shaped like a flag. It swivels, so you will need to ensure that the piece of metal points straight up. You can open that mailbox, insert the offering envelope, and close it.

Important Note: Make sure that amount of money that you give the person at the bank or credit union, is greater than the amount that you write on the check, and be sure to keep track of the amount of money that is given at the bank or credit union, and the amount that is written on the check.

And now you know why I haven't written a check in over 20 years.

 

[Daniel DeLuca]

1)This is a numbers game. 1 in 1000 will consider poly. 1 in 100 of them might be interested in u. 1 in 10 of them are worth considering. 3 out of 5 of them will still reject you.
2) Look for the Nos. If u have to go through 100 rejections to get to a Yes to just chat, ask away & start your counter.
3) Learn why. What question did u ask or news u supplied turn her tail?
4) Add that to your initial contact w the next possible. Adding the hard part in the beginning, allows them to pre-sort themselves. This prevents wasted time w eventual Nos, so u can focus on Maybes.
5) Hope for the best. Expect the worst.
6) God's choice will keep saying Yes.

I suppose 1 in 1000 of those, will make my jaw drop and my tongue drag on the ground. I hate when I screw things up.