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Support Breaking news to family

Southerngirl00 said:
I should have explained. Poly was brought up but this is what we plan to do. I’m just wondering if my family should meet my guy before or after bringing it up. He has already met my mom.
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Everyone, let's not derail this specific thread, as @Southerngirl00 is dealing with a real-life situation she needs guidance with.

Can any second wives, or their other family members, comment on this question from experience?

I personally think @Southerngirl00 that there are arguments that could be made in either direction, but it really just depends on what opportunities come up for the conversation. Don't put it off while you wonder how best to do it. If you need his support introduce him first, if you have a chance to bring it up without him do it. You'll probably tell some family members before they meet him and some after.

Pray and ask God to guide you how to proceed, and go with the flow.
 
Southerngirl00 said:
I should have explained. Poly was brought up but this is what we plan to do. I’m just wondering if my family should meet my guy before or after bringing it up. He has already met my mom.
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OK well that's different. If you already plan on going through, then yes, inform your immediate family and/or have them meet him. I thought we were talking about hypotheticals. By immediate family, I mean your closest relatives. No need to tell your second cousin once removed and such.
 
Predicting reactions has so far been impossible for me and mine, but I can promise you this: it will be a test that will reveal hidden character. I have had good and bad surprises. What I did and instructed my wives to do may not work in your situation, but here it is: only tell those who need to know. Children would fall into that category, but only those who would have the discretion you would wish them to have. To the others, obfuscate. It may not be beneficial to share with everyone, just like you don't broadcast that you homeschool, drink wine, or whatever your socially and/or doctrinally unacceptable faith is. Definitely do not attempt to seek the approval of men. I know you want them all to be excited for you like a wedding, but that's not the life you're choosing. You will be outcast. Remember that what you are doing is probably technically illegal where you live, and if not, will still likely subject you to persecution if you flaunt it. "Live-in nanny" is a line we feed to those who we suspect will be hostile. It's not a lie, nor is it tmi.

Having said that, here is my second wife's experience. It shouldn't be used as a guide because the cultures are completely different, but perhaps you can glean something from it. She was 35 at the time, and a widow. She told her mother about me before I married her, and asked if her mother would like if she was married to me. (Her family was more or less matriarchal.) After her mother agreed and became excited about the prospect, she then told her the rest of the story. At this point her mother scoffed and warned that I would use her and betray her. Her mother distrusted me for probably half a year, but this was just water off a duck's back to my wife. That's her nature. She was resolved to follow me no matter what, and she has the constitution to endure criticism and the personality to win favor. For my part, I deliberately focused my attention on winning her mother's trust, and through my actions lifted the burden from my wife. Hopefully your experience will be as successful.
 
NVIII said:
Having said that, here is my second wife's experience. It shouldn't be used as a guide because the cultures are completely different, but perhaps you can glean something from it. She was 35 at the time, and a widow. She told her mother about me before I married her, and asked if her mother would like if she was married to me. (Her family was more or less matriarchal.) After her mother agreed and became excited about the prospect, she then told her the rest of the story. At this point her mother scoffed and warned that I would use her and betray her. Her mother distrusted me for probably half a year, but this was just water off a duck's back to my wife. That's her nature. She was resolved to follow me no matter what, and she has the constitution to endure criticism and the personality to win favor. For my part, I deliberately focused my attention on winning her mother's trust, and through my actions lifted the burden from my wife. Hopefully your experience will be as successful
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That's excellent and I can relate to that. I've made a point of building a solid relationship with my second wife's mother (her father died long ago). She is not a Christian and was anti to begin with so I made it a priority to read Bible and discuss biblical truth with her. She sees her daughter very happy and has grown to accept me. But it's not such a problem now because the mother is in her 80's and a lot of the marbles have fallen out of the marble bag. Other family and friends we don't say anything to as it's none of their business. There's no benefit in creating problems for yourself.
 
Southerngirl00 said:
How did everyone tell their family members about poly? Especially those who aren’t a first wife, how did you share this news with your family and any children you had previous to joining a family? I’m not at this step yet but trying to be ahead of the game about it. Should I have him meet my whole family and child first or tell them beforehand?
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I am a widow. I have two young adult children.
I actually did this very thing in the last two days. Ultimately, before the conversations done separately in private, I know my children. Second, I am their mother, they might not agree with my choice. They might be angry or upset but they will continue to love me. Once they see my joy and happiness, how could they deny me?
Yesterday I told my son that I was considering becoming a second wife. He asked many questions. I got safety lectures I recall being on the other end of with him. (Good to know he was listening)
I told my daughter today. She asked me many biblical questions. She spent the day sullen and quiet. I told her to pray about it and then come back to me for further discussion. I am sure she will feel convicted and the sense of peace I have in my heart about my choice.
I was super scared of starting the conversation but I prayed about it. I let God do the heavy lifting for me. Now my burden feels light! The truth will set you free!
Blessings my friend!
 
tinamakes3 said:
I am a widow. I have two young adult children.
I actually did this very thing in the last two days. Ultimately, before the conversations done separately in private, I know my children. Second, I am their mother, they might not agree with my choice. They might be angry or upset but they will continue to love me. Once they see my joy and happiness, how could they deny me?
Yesterday I told my son that I was considering becoming a second wife. He asked many questions. I got safety lectures I recall being on the other end of with him. (Good to know he was listening)
I told my daughter today. She asked me many biblical questions. She spent the day sullen and quiet. I told her to pray about it and then come back to me for further discussion. I am sure she will feel convicted and the sense of peace I have in my heart about my choice.
I was super scared of starting the conversation but I prayed about it. I let God do the heavy lifting for me. Now my burden feels light! The truth will set you free!
Blessings my friend!
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Wow, that's very encouraging and I pray all continues to progress without any serious difficulties arising. Thank you for sharing.
 
tinamakes3 said:
I am a widow. I have two young adult children.
I actually did this very thing in the last two days. Ultimately, before the conversations done separately in private, I know my children. Second, I am their mother, they might not agree with my choice. They might be angry or upset but they will continue to love me. Once they see my joy and happiness, how could they deny me?
Yesterday I told my son that I was considering becoming a second wife. He asked many questions. I got safety lectures I recall being on the other end of with him. (Good to know he was listening)
I told my daughter today. She asked me many biblical questions. She spent the day sullen and quiet. I told her to pray about it and then come back to me for further discussion. I am sure she will feel convicted and the sense of peace I have in my heart about my choice.
I was super scared of starting the conversation but I prayed about it. I let God do the heavy lifting for me. Now my burden feels light! The truth will set you free!
Blessings my friend!
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I told one of my daughters the other day. She was very accepting of it. It went as good as I could have hoped. She said she neither agrees or disagrees with it, but definitely sees the scripture for it. The way I presented it is that we wanted to do a Bible Study. My wife was there also. We just went through many Bible verses that discuss polygyny and discussed them. Took maybe two to three hours. She had no problem with my point of view.
 
I have never even been married so I don't want to sound like I am some seasoned expert on breaking the news to family. But I can speak from a more general perspective to say that the polygamy question is a paradigm shift and that paradigm shifts generally take a long time for people to process. A teenager may be able to undergo the shift in less than a week, but anybody old enough to be the parent of the bride is probably going to take years or decades to undergo a deep paradigm shift, and many will go to their graves first. It its much more likely that you will just get them to "accept" or "tolerate" your decision.

You cannot force people to change their minds, even on little things, let alone something so deeply rooted, so picking an argument and trying to push people into a new position just doesn't work. Maybe it would help if you gave them a book on PM and asked them if they can refute it. That way they will have something they can read over at their own pace.

Again, this is my observation with paradigm shifts in general, not my experience with PM.
 
Sam Speaks said:
Maybe it would help if you gave them a book on PM and asked them if they can refute it.
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Just giving people books usually doesn't work, as it's easily perceived as a very long-winded way of browbeating someone into agreeing with you. However, if that was phrased as "I read this book and, much as I'm not comfortable with the conclusion, I really can't see how to refute it from scripture. Can you help me?", then you're approaching them as an ally and showing them respect. You are not trying to teach them, rather asking them to teach you. That may be a good way to approach the issue with some people.
 
Sam Speaks said:
Maybe it would help if you gave them a book on PM and asked them if they can refute it. That way they will have something they can read over at their own pace.
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My father used this method when I approached him about women being in leadership of the local church. He is the senior pastor of our church, and I am one of the associate/assistant pastors. My mother has a minister's license and calls herself Co-Pastor. So, this was a pretty big deal to him.

He gave me the book and basically told me to read it and unless I could refute everything, I needed to let this idea go. Suffice to say I (metaphorically) ripped the book apart. I returned it to him with my notations on the borders and covers of the book as well as with a typed-up version compiling the major scripture references and my counter arguments to the book. I also gave him a paper with the arguments for Polygamy (mostly taken from this site actually!).

He has never read most of it. He reviewed the book and agreed that the position is "arguable", but he still does not agree. I assume if I ever gave him a book that he knew was contrary to his beliefs regarding women or marriage he would throw it away.

I would like to say that I have a lot of respect for my father. I don't understand him or many of the older men in my denomination. They are the last kinds of people you would assume to be, but many of them are borderline feminists.

FollowingHim said:
Just giving people books usually doesn't work, as it's easily perceived as a very long-winded way of browbeating someone into agreeing with you. However, if that was phrased as "I read this book and, much as I'm not comfortable with the conclusion, I really can't see how to refute it from scripture. Can you help me?", then you're approaching them as an ally and showing them respect. You are not trying to teach them, rather asking them to teach you. That may be a good way to approach the issue with some people.
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This is a fantastic idea, I fear it would not have worked on my father, but it certainly could be the approach that makes the difference for many other ministers in my denomination. I will be keeping this in mind.
 
In talking to my dad, who was heavily involved in his church before he got sick, I just told him I find it interesting that historically most cultures around the world and over time practiced polygyny (not knowing the exact statistics) and that it wasn't until state run governments decided it was against their goals to have these large tribes of families that didn't need the government and could even stand up against them. In today's culture most people don't trust the government. Build on that mistrust and how it came to be that we are so subservient to our governments and how they continue to put a majority of the populace in a position of needing them.

Then throw out the idea what if we could build back our communities like the patriarchs did. His eyes opened up and both him and my step mom both agreed and then asked the question...I wonder when it changed? Boom you've got an open door to educate them.

In other words reach them where they are and get them to ask questions about history and you'll start a dialog.

Now to be clear this doesn't guarantee success. The same conversation with my mom had her agreeing and even asking the very same question my dad did. She was all for it until we said we agreed with the idea and are looking to build a tribe. She then through an adult tantrum and has stopped talking to us, while blocking us on FB and throwing out all the other things we do that she doesn't agree with. So sometimes you achieve your goal and sometimes you don't.
 
Children of God said:
Then throw out the idea what if we could build back
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Build back better.... hmmm.... that would make a great campaign slogan.
(Sorry, couldn't resist!) ;)
Children of God said:
In other words reach them where they are and get them to ask questions about history and you'll start a dialog.
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Totally agree. Everyone is different and there is no one-size-fits-all approach.
 
Children of God said:
Now to be clear this doesn't guarantee success. The same conversation with my mom had her agreeing and even asking the very same question my dad did. She was all for it until we said we agreed with the idea and are looking to build a tribe. She then through an adult tantrum and has stopped talking to us, while blocking us on FB and throwing out all the other things we do that she doesn't agree with. So sometimes you achieve your goal and sometimes you don't.
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So it was all going well until it turned out it was not a casual chat and the whole time you'd had an agenda. Basically you found a great conversation starter, but blew it by trying to get further than is possible in one conversation, moving too fast. Lesson for others - give people plenty of time to wrap their heads around the theory before making it real. If possible.
 
FollowingHim said:
So it was all going well until it turned out it was not a casual chat and the whole time you'd had an agenda. Basically you found a great conversation starter, but blew it by trying to get further than is possible in one conversation, moving too fast. Lesson for others - give people plenty of time to wrap their heads around the theory before making it real. If possible.
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Yes, too often we treat it like a debate and we press in when we see the opening.

I’ve got the “I used logic excessively” merit badge, to the detriment of my relationship with my mother.
 
FollowingHim said:
So it was all going well until it turned out it was not a casual chat and the whole time you'd had an agenda. Basically you found a great conversation starter, but blew it by trying to get further than is possible in one conversation, moving too fast. Lesson for others - give people plenty of time to wrap their heads around the theory before making it real. If possible.
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Actually not exactly. The fact was is my mom was recently widowed and she said she told her brother in law that he had to marry her, it's in the bible. But he had just been engaged so she said it wouldn't work, jokingly of course. When I said it really has nothing to do with his relationship status and gave her many examples. She responded with the hmm well I wonder when all that stopped. Then I proceeded with the discussion. Saying I had an agenda is not accurate at all. Yes I have facts that I felt it was appropriate to share with her but actually wasn't wanting to talk about it at that moment.

I agree moving too fast or even entering in a discussion that isn't sincere will often expose you as a manipulator. She asked the questions and I provided the answers. I also don't feel it is my place to lie so if asked I will share my thoughts...even if they might not be popular.
 
I'll take back the word "agenda". But my point stands (remembering it is a takeaway point for others, not a criticism of you).

It is easy to find a good way to have this conversation, have a great one for 3/4 of the time, then blow it at the end by trying to press your advantage too far - getting too greedy. Be careful not to do that.
 
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