Yahweh sent me a widow friend….

[Happyhen]

Hello,

I’m blessed to have stumbled across this forum. I have much to learn. After 28 years of an awesome monogamous marriage, my world seemed to come crashing down. I befriended a widow, who like myself has a large family and we can relate in so many ways of our lifestyles. Our children were almost instantly friends and they felt like family in many ways. She and I have gotten very, very close. We are great friends, and I care about her deeply!

Well, I’m sure you can all guess the next part of my story. I’ll attempt to keep it brief.

Yes, my husband has fallen in love with her. Thus he has done much rethinking of his monogamous perspective and dug into the scriptures to see what it says. We have come to the conclusion that you all have:

It’s not sin for him to marry her.

I can see it’s not sin, but I am very much struggling to accept it for us.

I love my husband dearly! We have been so, so close and have had a wonderful marriage. I have encouraged so many women to walk in complete and utter obedience and submission to their husband. I have seen Yah work amazing miracles when I have done this.

However, I am struggling to see that him taking my dear friend and her large family and joining to her in marriage is a good thing. Yet my heart aches for her grief and sorry as a widow!

We have many children all still at home. She has many at home also.

Our children are not happy about the prospect. Hers are not.

However, my husband really feels this is from God.

I want so badly to be onboard 100%.

But it’s so hard to see our older children in strong opposition and her older ones also.

I have come so far. Some days, moments I am able to put my trust in the Lord, and have a bright outlook and embrace a positive perspective. Then WHAM!! he expresses his love for her or sings her praises or gives her an adoring look and I am flat on my face fighting suicidal thoughts, extreme darkness so much attack of: rejection, self hatred rage etc. I have become such an ugly person at moments or hours this last year since he expressed his intentions.

I repent, confess, accept his and Yahs forgiveness and cleansing. I pull myself up, or rather chose to accept Yahs healing touch, renew my perspective that

1. He does all things well!
2. He is all powerful! “Nothing is impossible with Yah”
3. And chose Give thanks! “He inhabits the praises of his people

And then I have peace. “I’m ready for the challenge” With Yah and a good attitude, I am ready to go in faith. Yet I always have this gut ache when I think of him actually turning his back to me and embracing her and having a part of his life he doesn’t share with me! I fall apart. My heart bleeds . I don’t even want to go on without being by his side all.the.time.

In that moment I am so jealous I don’t care about her needs or his desires.

I know this is selfish.

I have worked so so hard at our marriage over the years. I have laid down my selfish desires (with much determination) through the years to please him. I have succeeded and we have had an amazing relationship. Now I feel like I am being punished for choosing to work so hard at our marriage. He says, yes I have been so much he could have desired in a wife, and no it isn’t fair. I didn’t sign up for this. He promised me this would never happen. He has always talked against the very idea of polygyny.

Until she came into the picture.

I want to just turn off my emotions. But I can’t find that switch.

Please help me.

There it is. I know it’s a lengthy introduction, but brevity is not my gifting

 

[Joleneakamama]

Welcome to Biblical Families!

That was quite an introduction!

Your life has taken a turn that neither of you saw coming. It's hard to prepare for what you never imagined!
It sounds like you're really doing well all things considered, at adjusting to a really head spinning development in your life.

I have come so far. Some days, moments I am able to put my trust in the Lord, and have a bright outlook and embrace a positive perspective. Then WHAM!! he expresses his love for her or sings her praises or gives her an adoring look and I am flat on my face fighting suicidal thoughts, extreme darkness so much attack of: rejection, self hatred rage etc.

As first wives we get very used to being the only. We have a place in our husband's heart that is unique. It's easy to let your confidence be connected to exclusivity. The unknown aspect ....what might change if you are NOT his only wife?.....is understandably disturbing. Yet if God purposed this, you have a chance at a very fulfilling life together!

Yet I always have this gut ache when I think of him actually turning his back to me and embracing her and having a part of his life he doesn’t share with me!

Most of life is shared. I expect with many children at home most of your life is shared with them too. Family ...and raising a family is something you do together. I suspect it is only sexual intimacy, which while hugely significant represents a very small part time wise, of your life, that is the biggest unknown.
I remember wondering things....like if my husband would be different after being with someone else....or how much she might guess about "our time" by how he is.

He says, yes I have been so much he could have desired in a wife, and no it isn’t fair. I didn’t sign up for this. He promised me this would never happen. He has always talked against the very idea of polygyny.

Most marriage vows are (in my opinion) closing loopholes so that later you cannot honestly say...."I didn't sign up for this!"
This is part of why Polygyny is a large challenge for most....because we never imagined what we never saw!

Like most couples, we repeated lines when we married about "keeping yourself only to her/him." But then life brought his old gf crying after being dumped by her bf....the girl he asked to marry him before he met me.....and I wondered if God might have a plan that let us both marry this good man. She decided eventually that life wasn't what she wanted. I had years after that to keep "digesting and accepting" the idea of a sisterwife.
You are already friends with this woman....and making her family will let you continue to be friends with a greater degree of intimacy and support. You'll get to do meals, after meals, and so much of life together.

I want to just turn off my emotions. But I can’t find that switch.

I have had an interesting time myself emotionally over the last 18 months since my husband married another......and you are probably about the same age and stage of life. There is a thread on here "Does anyone else's emotions rape them?" You may want to read......but making sure you address your nutritional needs and hormonal balance could also help you stay on the happy side of life. The emotional roller coaster of highs and lows can be hell for the lady....and hard on everyone else too!

And look for the thread "peeling the onion" and the linked blog "When we became three."

 

[PeteR]

Good morning and welcome to the family. You are now in a crucible of refinement.

Is it possible Yah brought this greater blessing and test because you have done so well as a wife? You now get to graduate to a higher level class and greater reward?

May Yah bless and guide you, your husband, and your dear friend.

 

[NickF]

Thank you for your honesty and openness. I can only imagine the emotions you’re walking through daily. And the turmoil you’re feeling.

This may be a harsh and jarring way to open your eyes. But I’d like you to open your bible and turn to Matthew chapter 25.

Your husband is to be like Yeshua. He is to walk as Yeshua walked, and relate to his wife or wives just as The Most High.

My attitude towards other new believers should be one of joy and welcome when my Lord finds another good thing. For he who finds a wife finds a good thing. I want all who hear His name to come to Him and embrace Him. I want to seek out those who need Him and encourage them to seek my Master. Because his yoke is easy, because he is the Healer. This world is dark and he is Light.

So read that Matthew 25 chapter and imagine your husband being a type, an image, even a poor copy, but an attempt at a copy of the Master. Picture yourself as one of His beloved brides. And rejoice that he has found a lamb in need of a resting place and healing.

And see if Yeshua’s words in that passage are able to shift your perspective to see the beauty and perfection you are gifted with the opportunity to participate in. You have the chance to walk out in bold strokes, EXACTLY what the end of that chapter is asking of all believers. There is a precious person in need, naked needing clothed, hungry needing fed, thirsty needing drink, a stranger needing a place. You get to be part of that! How beautiful!

Isaiah 52:7
Romans 10:15

 

[steve]

I have worked so so hard at our marriage over the years. I have laid down my selfish desires (with much determination) through the years to please him. I have succeeded and we have had an amazing relationship.

Welcome to the next level!
You were faithful at that level, and now it looks like you’ve been called to a higher level of walking your walk.

 

[NVIII's Babe]

I am praying for you.

Obedience feels scary. It feels like walking a twisting, windy staircase in complete darkness. We must say, "Here I am, Lord, taking this very next step I can see, even though I can't see which way this is all going." We feel powerless - because we are!

I can relate to so much of what you've expressed. I can say - you are doing it all right and God is merciful and God is good and God is trustworthy and He does uphold His promises even when all human efforts fail.

I did want to touch on one thing you wrote about...

I have worked so so hard at our marriage over the years. I have laid down my selfish desires (with much determination) through the years to please him. I have succeeded and we have had an amazing relationship. Now I feel like I am being punished for choosing to work so hard at our marriage. He says, yes I have been so much he could have desired in a wife, and no it isn’t fair. I didn’t sign up for this. He promised me this would never happen. He has always talked against the very idea of polygyny.

This could really be tripping you up. It seems you've a true sense of pride in your marriage. Consider that even if you'd been a terrible wife, (1) your husband is admonished to love you regardless, (2) polygyny is not punishment, it is a blessing, and (3) you've never had a right over your husband even though he has possibly given you that perception.

I can still sympathize with your feelings - I've been there, too - sometimes still let myself go there. But it's all wrong thinking. It sounds like you've tried to do all the right things in order to achieve a specific result - having a "good" marriage which I see you defining as a monogamously-faithful one. We ought to be good wives for God's glory, to be a reflection here in earth of heavenly truths about God and His kingdom. Our husbands image Christ in their love for their wives. We wives image His Church in our submission to our husbands. Happy, joyful marriages are the blessing of obedience, not the purpose of obedience.

I don't know if that helps you any. But if it is a sticking point you keep returning to mentally, perhaps praying specifically over that mindset and asking God to show you right thinking could be helpful. It helps me to always look to Christ and His Church - how can I in this earth image His Church? And then do that.

Our children are not happy about the prospect. Hers are not.

However, my husband really feels this is from God.

I want so badly to be onboard 100%.

But it’s so hard to see our older children in strong opposition and her older ones also.

I do not have experience with older children, but I know many, many others here in the forum do. I have always prayed, though, that my husband would be an anchor of truth in the lives of our children, even if they don't see or accept it. I've always prayed he would have courage to stand on his convictions, and me behind him, even in the face of disobedient or unhappy or confused children who would like to manipulate him into steering our ship into the rocks. Of course, they may not know that's what will happen - they have a very narrow viewpoint.

I can imagine there is fear of losing them there. Fear usually comes from holding a gift from God too tightly. He gives to us in order that we have something to lay before Him. He gives us to a man in order that we surrender our marriage to Him. He gives us money and material riches that we may lay it all upon the altar for His use. He gives us children that we may lay them down for His purposes (think of Abraham and Isaac). When we hold too tightly with closed fists these blessings, we feel fear that they'll be ripped away - and they likely will, in order to shape us and grow our faith.

Ask God to help you be open-handed with His blessings - with your marriage and your children. Ask Him to show you how to do that. Ask Him to soften the hearts of your children, if that be His will, and grow their faith as well.

 

[bfoster]

Welcome!

 

[NBTX11]

Welcome to the forum. God’s blessings on you and you’re husband’s lives as you walk this path.

I’m sure it will be said, but the Tuesday ladies chat is a good place to get counsel.

You can also message my first wife, @MsPurple1 once you get messaging privileges. She went through all the emotional ups and downs of me adding another wife recently and would love to share or help someone.

Yahweh’s continued blessings on your family.

 

[frederick]

Hi @Happyhen, thank you for your brutally honest introduction. So much of what you have shared seems to be the emotional roller-coastal reality for modern women encountering polygyny. It's difficult to experience as it contradicts so much of one's upbringing, but it is the Truth of God's Word you are being called upon to live out. You have received some excellent advice above from the folks here at Biblical Families. All I would add is, just do it!

Something I learned early on in my Christian life is the fact that God has never punished obedience, only disobedience. He rewards obedience and faithfulness, never disobedience and unfaithfulness so continue to work on obedience and faithfulness to Him in the days ahead. You've walked a long and sometimes challenging marital journey with your husband thus far which you must now continue to walk with him in obedience and faithfulness to God. His rewards will make the temporary difficulties you encounter worthwhile. And if it ever seems all too much to bear, take comfort in the knowledge that this life is indeed temporary; God will bring it to an end. It is written, Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal (2 Corinthians 4:16-18). Shalom

 

[Bartato]

Hello,

I’m blessed to have stumbled across this forum. I have much to learn. After 28 years of an awesome monogamous marriage, my world seemed to come crashing down. I befriended a widow, who like myself has a large family and we can relate in so many ways of our lifestyles. Our children were almost instantly friends and they felt like family in many ways. She and I have gotten very, very close. We are great friends, and I care about her deeply!

Well, I’m sure you can all guess the next part of my story. I’ll attempt to keep it brief.

Yes, my husband has fallen in love with her. Thus he has done much rethinking of his monogamous perspective and dug into the scriptures to see what it says. We have come to the conclusion that you all have:

It’s not sin for him to marry her.

I can see it’s not sin, but I am very much struggling to accept it for us.

I love my husband dearly! We have been so, so close and have had a wonderful marriage. I have encouraged so many women to walk in complete and utter obedience and submission to their husband. I have seen Yah work amazing miracles when I have done this.

However, I am struggling to see that him taking my dear friend and her large family and joining to her in marriage is a good thing. Yet my heart aches for her grief and sorry as a widow!

We have many children all still at home. She has many at home also.

Our children are not happy about the prospect. Hers are not.

However, my husband really feels this is from God.

I want so badly to be onboard 100%.

But it’s so hard to see our older children in strong opposition and her older ones also.

I have come so far. Some days, moments I am able to put my trust in the Lord, and have a bright outlook and embrace a positive perspective. Then WHAM!! he expresses his love for her or sings her praises or gives her an adoring look and I am flat on my face fighting suicidal thoughts, extreme darkness so much attack of: rejection, self hatred rage etc. I have become such an ugly person at moments or hours this last year since he expressed his intentions.

I repent, confess, accept his and Yahs forgiveness and cleansing. I pull myself up, or rather chose to accept Yahs healing touch, renew my perspective that

1. He does all things well!
2. He is all powerful! “Nothing is impossible with Yah”
3. And chose Give thanks! “He inhabits the praises of his people

And then I have peace. “I’m ready for the challenge” With Yah and a good attitude, I am ready to go in faith. Yet I always have this gut ache when I think of him actually turning his back to me and embracing her and having a part of his life he doesn’t share with me! I fall apart. My heart bleeds . I don’t even want to go on without being by his side all.the.time.

In that moment I am so jealous I don’t care about her needs or his desires.

I know this is selfish.

I have worked so so hard at our marriage over the years. I have laid down my selfish desires (with much determination) through the years to please him. I have succeeded and we have had an amazing relationship. Now I feel like I am being punished for choosing to work so hard at our marriage. He says, yes I have been so much he could have desired in a wife, and no it isn’t fair. I didn’t sign up for this. He promised me this would never happen. He has always talked against the very idea of polygyny.

Until she came into the picture.

I want to just turn off my emotions. But I can’t find that switch.

Please help me.

There it is. I know it’s a lengthy introduction, but brevity is not my gifting

This is a heavy thing. I'll be praying for all of you.

The fact that the moral fabric of God's universe permits polygyny (and it does) doesn't necessarily indicate that your particular husband should marry this particular widow. Perhaps he should and maybe he shouldn't. I will pray that the Lord gives him wisdom and discernment in his decision.

It sounds like a potentially great blessing for this woman and her children. It might also become a wonderful blessing to you and your children. The fact that you deeply love her as a friend (and that your children get along well with hers) seems like a big plus.

My sister was unexpectedly widowed a few years back, and she (and her children) were greatly blessed when ahe remarried a few years later. Marriage is a good thing. Women and children need the leadership, provision, and protection provided by a godly man.

The fact that your husband would consider taking on this heavy responsibility speaks loudly of his good character.

Unfortunately our society (and almost all churches) have taught us many wrong things about marriage (like egalitarian monogamy) . These errors have given women many unbiblical and unreasonable expectations. That makes things much harder for women in your situation. Adjusting to polygyny after 28 years of monogamy is hard, but doing so in the face of opposition from everyone in the world is even harder.

Knowing that God permits polygyny isn't going to be enough to help you joyfully, lovingly, and thankfully receive this woman and her children into your home and life. Knowing that the Law requires you to submit won't cut it.

I believe you will need the Living Water of Jesus Christ flowing in and through you. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, that you will NEED every day! The Divine Life of the Son of God flowing through the Vine (Jesus Christ) into you (a branch) will bear good fruit unto God. When we see His Face, our hearts are changed, and we begin to reflect Him .

In your own strength, there is no hope.

The Son of Man, Yeshua the risen Messiah, has been given all authority in heaven and earth. He is able to fill your heart with peace and love.

I pray that the Holy Spirit will fill you and empower you like He did with Stephen in the book of Acts. In a way, you are laying down your life, following in the steps of the Savior.

If this be the plan of YAHWEH for your family, it is a good thing. Our Father in Heaven really does know what is best. Trust Jesus. Our prayers are with you.

 

[MeganC]

He promised me this would never happen. He has always talked against the very idea of polygyny.

Until she came into the picture.

The right person can change a lot of things. Not trying to sell you on poly here, but just saying that she came into your lives for a reason and sometimes people come into our lives and make changes that we didn't know we needed.

I have been blessed with knowing a few such people and I pray this friend of yours is every bit the blessing she can be!

 

[Bartato]

If you receive this woman and her children into your family by faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, I believe the following blessings listed below certainly apply to you.

Mark 10:29-31 NKJV
"So Jesus answered and said, “Assuredly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My sake and the gospel’s, who shall not receive a hundredfold now in this time—houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions—and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.”

 

[The Revolting Man]

Welcome! You’re doing great!

 

[MemeFan]

Welcome.

 

[FollowingHim]

But it’s so hard to see our older children in strong opposition and her older ones also.

He has always talked against the very idea of polygyny.

Why are your children so strongly opposed? Because you have all been such good parents that you have given them a strong desire to discern between right and wrong, and have been completely successful at teaching them what right and wrong are based on your understanding during the years you were raising them. Well done!

The only problem is that you were wrong.

I'm not sure how to deal with that, I have not had to deal with it myself, but others here have, and it is exceedingly difficult. I would suggest that an important aspect will be pointing out to the children that in opposing this they are simply parroting the words that you yourselves taught them. Which is a good thing for a child to do, but an adult will move beyond this and realise that their parents are not infallible and can make mistakes. So by repeating your old lessons back to you, they are approaching this as young children would, not as independent-thinking adults would. If they wish to be adults, they need to approach the issue as adults, and start from scripture alone not from the words of other teachers, even teachers as respected as their own parents.

 

[Keith Martin]

Welcome, @Happyhen. I pray your are blessed by both the ups and the downs of your new life and the guidance you receive here.

Might as well get this right out in the open: I can be a pain in the ass.

OK, now this: I highly appreciate the depth of your self-disclosure and the maturity you demonstrated by giving us a tour of your struggles. @frederick already addressed this with sufficient eloquence.

Many others also addressed key aspects of what you can do to embrace your situation, so I'm choosing to narrow my focus to this:

But it’s so hard to see our older children in strong opposition and her older ones also.

@FollowingHim already addressed this with reverential directness, but I will add something. Before I do, please hear that I don't in any way think this is the sole focus required or even the most consequential one, but it is a confronting and heart-wrenching aspect of what you're going through.

But it’s so hard to see our older children in strong opposition and her older ones also.

@FollowingHim is correct in his assessment that your children are positive reflections of both your skills as a parent and the messages you downloaded into them, so that will require some mea culpas and patient redirection.

But there's also this: in addition to all other challenges presented by polygyny, one that's nearly inescapable is that of addressing one's own selfishness, especially when it's been rewarded all during one's life and all around one by attaching virtue and righteousness to it (and/or condemnation to its opposite).

But it’s so hard to see our older children in strong opposition and her older ones also.

It's not just the messages you gave them about polygyny in particular.

It's also the case that Selfishness is one of the most natural states for children to manifest. Almost from birth, they will manipulate to get their way, and one of the more difficult parental tasks is tempering that selfishness until it doesn't disappear but diminishes to a core that ensures self-survival in a way that inspires a child to become an adult who will then unselfishly have children and teach them to temper their selfishness.

In a real sense, most especially in modern times because of our gynocentric culture, addressing Selfishness is an inescapable personal challenge on the part of women who find themselves having to Share. It is made more difficult by the complication of . . .

But it’s so hard to see our older children in strong opposition and her older ones also.

. . . but remember that it's never a matter of inability on your part but of level of willingness. You're capable of doing this, and your success will predominantly be based on the extent to which you embrace that you're selfish and then embrace becoming the master of your own selfishness.

And, in doing so, you will model for your children and the children of your sister wife how one matures in unselfishness just as you've probably already already mastered aspects of being respectfully cooperative for your husband.

May He blanket you with all the fortitude and patience you need to transcend what will at many moments seem insurmountable.

 

[Happyhen]

Thank you each for your care, prayers and input! I appreciate it!
Hubby is still trying to discern clear direction from Yahweh on the matter. I am still desiring to come into a the place completely surrendered heart on the subject.
Thinking of adding 9 to our family, in addition to the whole sharing my husband, my children sharing a dad etc. looks like a mountain for sure.
Faith can remove mountains! I don’t want to stand in the way of Yah working miracles here!
Starting to discuss it with family members…. Prayers appreciated

 

[The Revolting Man]

Thank you each for your care, prayers and input! I appreciate it!
Hubby is still trying to discern clear direction from Yahweh on the matter. I am still desiring to come into a the place completely surrendered heart on the subject.
Thinking of adding 9 to our family, in addition to the whole sharing my husband, my children sharing a dad etc. looks like a mountain for sure.
Faith can remove mountains! I don’t want to stand in the way of Yah working miracles here!
Starting to discuss it with family members…. Prayers appreciated

That all sounds completely reasonable. You’re on the right track!

 

[Happyhen]

I am praying for you.

Obedience feels scary. It feels like walking a twisting, windy staircase in complete darkness. We must say, "Here I am, Lord, taking this very next step I can see, even though I can't see which way this is all going." We feel powerless - because we are!

I can relate to so much of what you've expressed. I can say - you are doing it all right and God is merciful and God is good and God is trustworthy and He does uphold His promises even when all human efforts fail.

I did want to touch on one thing you wrote about...


This could really be tripping you up. It seems you've a true sense of pride in your marriage. Consider that even if you'd been a terrible wife, (1) your husband is admonished to love you regardless, (2) polygyny is not punishment, it is a blessing, and (3) you've never had a right over your husband even though he has possibly given you that perception.

I can still sympathize with your feelings - I've been there, too - sometimes still let myself go there. But it's all wrong thinking. It sounds like you've tried to do all the right things in order to achieve a specific result - having a "good" marriage which I see you defining as a monogamously-faithful one. We ought to be good wives for God's glory, to be a reflection here in earth of heavenly truths about God and His kingdom. Our husbands image Christ in their love for their wives. We wives image His Church in our submission to our husbands. Happy, joyful marriages are the blessing of obedience, not the purpose of obedience.

I don't know if that helps you any. But if it is a sticking point you keep returning to mentally, perhaps praying specifically over that mindset and asking God to show you right thinking could be helpful. It helps me to always look to Christ and His Church - how can I in this earth image His Church? And then do that.


I do not have experience with older children, but I know many, many others here in the forum do. I have always prayed, though, that my husband would be an anchor of truth in the lives of our children, even if they don't see or accept it. I've always prayed he would have courage to stand on his convictions, and me behind him, even in the face of disobedient or unhappy or confused children who would like to manipulate him into steering our ship into the rocks. Of course, they may not know that's what will happen - they have a very narrow viewpoint.

I can imagine there is fear of losing them there. Fear usually comes from holding a gift from God too tightly. He gives to us in order that we have something to lay before Him. He gives us to a man in order that we surrender our marriage to Him. He gives us money and material riches that we may lay it all upon the altar for His use. He gives us children that we may lay them down for His purposes (think of Abraham and Isaac). When we hold too tightly with closed fists these blessings, we feel fear that they'll be ripped away - and they likely will, in order to shape us and grow our faith.

Ask God to help you be open-handed with His blessings - with your marriage and your children. Ask Him to show you how to do that. Ask Him to soften the hearts of your children, if that be His will, and grow their faith as well.

I/we have always been very open, transparent with our children. However, due to the culturally sensitive nature of this topic, and hubby wanting me to be totally at peace before proceeding, we have not discussed the polygyny consideration with our children in this 1.5 year journey.
Trying to submit to the concept has had its moments of extreme emotions, and almost constant introspection and soul searching. It has been a very quiet, very little to no conversation with my young adult daughters, as I have been constantly surrendering my heart to the concept.
I have sincerely been desiring surrender.
It has still been a diligent and constant choosing to lay it on the altar. Many times every day making a conscious effort to choose to trust Yahweh with it all, to hand the pain in my heart and my confusion to his control.
My husband has always had a vision to raise a family that would be passionate for the Lord. While we had our bumps and challenges, we had our older ones hearts.
This last year we’ve both been very disconnected with our children.
We have lost their hearts.
It really looks disastrous to try to bring another 7 children under our roof with bitterness and the strain that is here now.

If we cant or don’t the relationships, it seems it will be a train wreck.

The older ones don’t respect their dad for choosing to invest in her and her children at the sacrifice of relationship with them.
Rightfully so, they are his obvious responsibility to direct to the Lord and disciple for the kingdom sake.

This is very heavy. Very weighty.

I know it’s hard to pray effectively for strangers. But we really desire prayers for restoration in our family so we can righteously minister to her and her children.

Thanks!

 

[FollowingHim]

we have not discussed the polygyny consideration with our children in this 1.5 year journey.

Honestly, given the way that you describe your relationship with your children and the timeframe given in this latest post, you may need to slow down. 1.5 years is a very short time to be considering polygyny, honestly, and if you haven't yet got to the point of even mentioning it to your children, this is very early days just for you two and your existing family.

Your first responsibility is to the children you already have. Others that may enter the family later are a secondary consideration. Be faithful first with what you have already been given.

I have seen in my own family, not at all to do with polygamy, the lifelong damage that can be done by a father focussing too much on ministry to others and not enough on ministry to his own children. I can think of people who in their old age still have a strained parent/child relationship that can be traced back to this sort of misprioritisation particularly during the teenage years. Do not fall into this trap.

Very important question: Have you actually mentioned marriage to the woman you are talking about? Or is this all just you and your husband musing about what you think could happen? Might you be sacrificing the relationship with your children for something that in reality is a fantasy that may never occur - and could you end up losing your children, her, and her children, and being left alone over this?