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Waiting: Question for First Wives

southernphotini

southernphotini

Member
Female
So I reached out to the first wife with a letter and a spa gift basket, and then I sent her a video message so she could see my face and hear my voice, and know I'm a real human being who hopefully seems sincere.

She let me know she's not interested in hearing from me right now.

I don't know if that's a no, or a wait and see.

Maybe she needs time, and I have no idea how much time that might be.

If I was younger and children were a possibility, I wouldn't think waiting was wise. I have been divorced for 17 years, and I didn't waste my time with men who didn't seem like a decent possibility when dating in my 20's and 30's. But the right guy never came along, for whatever reason.

So I'm thinking my biological clock stopped ticking and, despite his botching this whole conversation with his wife, he's genuinely a good man, so maybe it's worth waiting?

For first wives, how long did it take you from the first conversation to acceptance? I know everyone's experience is different, but am I reasonably looking at a year? More?
 
southernphotini said:
how long did it take you from the first conversation to acceptance? I know everyone's experience is different, but am I reasonably looking at a year? More?
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How long ago did he bring it up to his wife?
It’s taken me years to wrap my mind around and understand plural wouldn’t be the end of my marriage.

southernphotini said:
She let me know she's not interested in hearing from me right now.

I don't know if that's a no, or a wait and see.
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If it’s up to her, she probably would prefer it’s a never. But it’s not truly up to her. What is her husband/ the guy you are talking to doing to help move things forward? Is he just leaving it up to you to reach out and convince her plural is a good idea?
 
I’m beginning to suspect it’s only been a month.

Right now I have agreed to not communicate with him for a bit while they sort things out. I have encouraged both of them to take their time and talk.

It’s a dilemma. Do I decide he’s worth waiting for? Do I try to move on knowing that it’s unlikely I will meet anyone else who genuinely likes me and cares about me?
 
I think only you can decide if it is a good thing to wait or not. The time table for a first wife to come on board is dependent on so many factors that I don't think it really can be a reference point for you. I think you should pray about how long you feel good about waiting for them to start wanting to build a relationship with you. I personally, took about a year before accepting that it wasn't a sin for hubby to marry someone else but I then didn't know if I could live it and be at peace, or happy, in this lifestyle. I gave myself a year to "try" and at the end of the year I could go and not feel guilty about it or stay and embrace all that came with it to the best of my ability. This deal, if you will, gave me a focus and helped me personally not feel trapped, which probably would have moved into being angry at God for it all. At the end of a year, God had worked in my heart and had given me a vision of the goodness of what plural marriage could be in my life and for our society. That was 26 years ago now. Praying you will come to some peace about it all one way or another.
 
I want to wait but waiting is hard. I met him in August 2021 and I feel like I have already been waiting a very long time.

If this was culturally more acceptable it might be easier.

I genuinely want to be her friend. I get this is hard for first wives but it’s really hard for everyone I think.
 
Like others have said it took me about a year to believe that it was not a sin. Another year to realize that my husband does not love me any less or values me any less. Since then Abba has worked on me and I look forward to the day He brings me a sister. Every woman is different like Julie said so my experience will not me the same as hers. I have a very loving and patient husband who gave me the time and space and council I needed. I pray things work out for you.
 
southernphotini said:
If this was culturally more acceptable it might be easier.
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That would probably make a big difference in that the possibility would exist in people's minds. Most never even think of such a thing, and have a lot of catching up to do when it somehow comes up.
southernphotini said:
I genuinely want to be her friend. I get this is hard for first wives but it’s really hard for everyone I think.
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There are lots of new things to try and wrap a mind and heart around. Most are probably scared at the prospect of having someone around to witness their relationship. This person doesn't go home, she IS home. You can't just be a good hostess until she leaves....and do the "company manners" thing....because she isn't company.
This is new and unknown.....and scary to most on some level.
I remember hearing about children playing with Barbi dolls. There was a Ken doll, but what does a city kid's dad do? First thing they would do is toss Ken behind the couch as he "went to work" and the rest of the play didn't include him. It is hard to imagine what we have never seen.
Then if the impossible happens and the man has a second woman interested, how interested is she? Is she just flirty? By the time he figures out that she's serious his wife is going to feel cheated on.....but why talk to the wife when things are uncertain and he feels it's impossible and unlikely??
So he is in uncharted territory from the start ...and needs grace....and is likely to get his wife just being critical and hurt.
His wife also needs grace....but is probably going to feel like she doesn't have a choice....the potential can see a future....but cannot see what it was like before she was part of the picture.

In short, lots of growth and adjusting all around, and hopefully they all eventually see a future with each other in it.
 
southernphotini said:
So I reached out to the first wife with a letter and a spa gift basket, and then I sent her a video message so she could see my face and hear my voice, and know I'm a real human being who hopefully seems sincere.

She let me know she's not interested in hearing from me right now.

I don't know if that's a no, or a wait and see.

Maybe she needs time, and I have no idea how much time that might be.

If I was younger and children were a possibility, I wouldn't think waiting was wise. I have been divorced for 17 years, and I didn't waste my time with men who didn't seem like a decent possibility when dating in my 20's and 30's. But the right guy never came along, for whatever reason.

So I'm thinking my biological clock stopped ticking and, despite his botching this whole conversation with his wife, he's genuinely a good man, so maybe it's worth waiting?

For first wives, how long did it take you from the first conversation to acceptance? I know everyone's experience is different, but am I reasonably looking at a year? More?
Click to expand...
I think it would be so hard for me if my husband wanted to take a second wife. I’m already struggling with attitude and a thousand other things so I know I wouldn’t handle it well. But it also does sound really intense being a second wife. I’m sorry you’re going through that. Is there a standard etiquette I can find somewhere on the roles of both wives. And what that can or should look like
 
Andy1 said:
I think it would be so hard for me if my husband wanted to take a second wife. I’m already struggling with attitude and a thousand other things so I know I wouldn’t handle it well. But it also does sound really intense being a second wife. I’m sorry you’re going through that. Is there a standard etiquette I can find somewhere on the roles of both wives. And what that can or should look like
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No, there’s no guide that I can find.

Polyamory books have a few useful pieces of information but it’s not really aimed at Christian polygyny.

The best book I have found is We Want For Our Sisters What We Want For Ourselves.

I wish there was a better resource. The ladies on this forum are awesome.
 
I am a published writer and I have been considering writing a helpful resource but that is a big project and I’m not certain that I am the right person for it. Praying.
 
Andy1 said:
Is there a standard etiquette I can find somewhere on the roles of both wives. And what that can or should look like
Click to expand...
There is no standard etiquette because everyone is different, every family is different, and every house is different. Besides basic etiquette as in being a good human being, it is how the husband wants things to run. This is how I feel anyways. I know there are things out there for advice, but it’s more about the person, getting to know them to make sure it’s a fit for the family; that they will have the same goals for your house. I’ve met some families where they wanted things more separate and met some families where everyone is involved in everything. I’ve met some families where the wife is wanting to know and do most things with the potentials, whereas I’ve met some families where the wife is not involved until the potential is marrying in.

When I was seeking this, I knew I wanted a big family where everyone is under one roof and I wanted the wife to be more involved as in talking, sharing, and starting to form a bond before I marry in. So I tended not to continue with potential families that wanted things very different from that. Through my journey, some of my desires did change naturally because they changed to align more with the husbands desires. I learned real quick that it was more about the person and the goal of the house than it was about silly desires for myself. You can plan and prep yourself all day, which will help, but kind of like children until it really happens you never fully know how you’ll feel or be. Lol
 
southernphotini said:
So I reached out to the first wife with a letter and a spa gift basket, and then I sent her a video message so she could see my face and hear my voice, and know I'm a real human being who hopefully seems sincere.

She let me know she's not interested in hearing from me right now.

I don't know if that's a no, or a wait and see.

Maybe she needs time, and I have no idea how much time that might be.

If I was younger and children were a possibility, I wouldn't think waiting was wise. I have been divorced for 17 years, and I didn't waste my time with men who didn't seem like a decent possibility when dating in my 20's and 30's. But the right guy never came along, for whatever reason.

So I'm thinking my biological clock stopped ticking and, despite his botching this whole conversation with his wife, he's genuinely a good man, so maybe it's worth waiting?

For first wives, how long did it take you from the first conversation to acceptance? I know everyone's experience is different, but am I reasonably looking at a year? More?
Click to expand...
I pretty much grew up with polygyny in my family and close relatives so it was a natural jump. It was something I worked out on my own with Yah’s guidance. I have been a first wife but I was already on board.
 
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