Unsure and Insecure: Help Needed

[Sonshine]

Hello, everyone!
My name is Christine and I've been lurking around here for a few months now. I've been hesitant to say anything because I'm not sure if I'll like the feedback, but sometimes we need to hear what we don't WANT to hear. I apologize in advance for he length of my post. But, I feel like everyone needs facts before I can get sound advice. :/

So, I've been married to my husband for a little over 12 years now. We have had an AMAZINGLY "easy" marriage since the first. Even when we had our rough times, financially, in those first few years when we had our first child--things were never sour between us. I believe in being submissive to my husband but he believes in loving me more than himself. He's been wonderful. Anytime anyone said anything about marriage being difficult I would just roll my eyes and laugh like they were crazy.

My husband has ALWAYS believed that PM is not a sin as those in our church would claim. He's never pushed it or made it a big deal but, I've always known where he stands. And up until recently I would always make jokes and laugh it off. Making comments about "how well Polygamy worked out for so-and-so in the bible..."
I can't exactly pinpoint when things shifted. But, it's probably when SHE entered the picture. (I'll call her N)

N is the type of girl who has ALWAYS been noticed by the opposite sex. She is absolutely adorable. Very pretty. And a sweet girl, to boot. Even before we became friends with her my husband would make comments about how pretty she is. And how she could be our "number two".

N started spending most of her time at our house. She fell in love with my kids and quickly became good friends with husband, as well.

It was a little while, but husband did start making comments to me about N. And, knowing my husband, I started to realize that he wasn't joking anymore. He was serious. He was considering N as a second wife.

All was left to do was to see if SHE would consider it.

Well, after a while of making comments here and there we discovered that, yes, she would absolutely be okay with it. More than okay. She was AMAZED that *I* would be okay with it. Deep down, however, I WASN'T totally okay with it. And I told them BOTH that I had a lot to work through before any commitments were made. And to let's go on being friends.

I'll be honest, at this point we went a little fast. While we told her there were no guarantees and that we needed to take things slowly to see if this was what God would have for us, we got a little carried away.

After months, things between me and husband are awful, though.
I get jealous SO easily.

Husband says there is a balance between us both and we both would have strengths and weaknesses. One of my strengths being that I know him well, know what pleases him, and (in every other situation) tend to be less emotional than most women.

Still, what is that to what N can offer? Why does he want that it I'm "such an amazing wife"? What am I doing wrong?

I'm so messed up over this.
I feel like I'm holding them both back from immense happiness. But, just thinking about it I'M so unhappy. I've been this way for months and my marriage is suffering. I always feel left out of their conversations. They don't MEAN to leave me out, it just happens sometimes. And then when it does, I pull myself out more. I feel so unwanted and unnecessary to the whole picture. I struggle with, "why am I even here? I'm sure they'd be better off without me." I always offer her the front seat in the car when we go anywhere. I don't want to come between them if I'm not wanted.

I've gone so far as to imagine if we could do an in-home separation for the kids' sake. I feel so broken right now.

Husband and I never go anywhere without her and/or the kids. And, I love having her around. He will ask me if I want to do something just the two of us, but I feel like if he doesn't want to, why should I?

We've had SO many conversations about it all. And husband is so over the drama that he just doesn't want to talk about it anymore. He won't engage in any kind of "romantic" relationship with her if I don't give my blessing.

So, I'm stuck between feeling like a horrible person (the people-pleaser in me) to wanting to pack up and divorce him so he can have her. His dream.
Oh, he got angry when I told him that!

I'm really at a loss, everyone.

N seems like the perfect fit for our family. The thought of losing her someday to marriage hurts me. But, is PM for everyone? Is this me needing to get over my insecurities?

I need help. Some advice. I'm feel like my marriage is the worst it's ever been and I don't know how to fix it.

What's worse--I could NEVER tell any of my friends ANY of this. Oh, goodness! If we decided to ever go down the path of PM, I'm convinced we'd have to move away.

(slightly edited to keep things discreet)

 

[FollowingHim]

Welcome to the forum, thanks for sharing, and this is all entirely understandable.

Your husband sounds like he's doing a fabulous job and treating you extremely well. You are blessed to have such a loving husband who will accommodate your feelings so much and make his decisions around them. Seriously. You could very easily be coming on here and saying "my husband slept with this woman and now says she's his wife". You wouldn't be the first. You are in a great situation. Look at the positives.

How do I compete with that?

Don't. Why would you need to? It's not like he's deciding to leave you for her and you're trying to win him back. He's your husband. He's committed to you however pretty she is. As he said, it isn't a competition.

Don't think you're not pretty enough and need to be pretty like her. She's younger than you. Sorry, but she'll probably be prettier than you for at least the next couple of decades until you're both old enough for the age gap to be less visible. Let her be pretty. That's awesome for Scott!

But you're probably a better cook than her, particularly in Scott's eyes as you know what he likes and how to cook for him. And you probably will be a better cook for many years also. You've also got more kids than her, and know how to raise them better. You've been through whatever little petty disagreements you had with Scott in your first few years of marriage and now are able to be the stable rock he can come to, while they're going to really annoy each other in all sorts of ways you know how to avoid.

It's not a competition. You're both completely different. And he loves you both, for completely different reasons.

You might love roast chicken, and also love ice-cream. Some days you might even love roast chicken more than ice-cream (because it's freezing cold weather), and other days you can't stand the idea of roast chicken but just have to have as much icecream as you can eat (because it's stinking hot). But you actually love both of them. You don't even know which one you love more, as you can't really compare the two, they're completely different.

You also have four kids. You love them all, I'm sure. One's better at reading, one's better at sports, one's the most reliable, another is the most innovative... They're not in competition either.

Also, statistically, even if he married her tomorrow you'll probably end up getting far more years of marriage total with him before he dies, and have had him to yourself for the first half of it while she'll have to share from the start. You'll also die close to whenever he does, while she'll get him for far less time and then have to hang around as a widow for decades. If I were her, I'd be jealous of you, not the other way around!

Scott will ask me if I want to do something just the two of us, but I feel like if he doesn't want to, why should I?

What makes you think he doesn't want to? He just invited you to! Do it! He loves you and wants to spend time with you! If he isn't making this obvious, it probably just means that he just doesn't realise how important it is for him to make it obvious. Us males are rather oblivious to female feelings sometimes.

Seriously, you have to fix up your relationship with him. Be his wife again, the loving woman he married. Forget about her. Please your husband. Get to know him again. Your marriage is just between the two of you, it's got nothing to do with her, and it is something incredibly important that has to be preserved.

And his relationship with her is nothing to do with you. He is being very generous waiting for your approval to proceed. But, to be honest, nothing in scripture says he needs your approval. He could marry her tomorrow. Because that relationship is separate to your own. Yet he does not, because he cares so deeply about you that he is willing to let his love for you intrude upon his love for her.

Which one of you does he come home and sleep with each night? Do you really think he loves her more? If he loved her more, and couldn't stand you, he'd be in her bed - and he wouldn't be the first man to fall into that behaviour. He loves you immensely.

Is this me needing to get over my insecurities?

Yes. But your insecurities are entirely normal and understandable. You've been indoctrinated for your entire life in a monogamous culture where every little girl is a princess waiting for her prince charming to live only with her happily ever after. Your emotions are having to unravel a lifetime of subliminal programming. It's entirely understandable. Don't beat yourself up about it.

At the end of the day, you're here asking for advice, not packing your kids in the car and fleeing to your cousin's place in a neighbouring state. You're on the right track too!

The ladies have a chat every Tuesday night (link at the top of the forum home page). Get on that chat, even if you have to hire a babysitter to make it. They'll all understand, and I think you'll find their advice far more helpful than my blunt male perspective. But I hope this helps.

If anything I said there could be taken two ways, and one of those ways upsets you, I meant the other one.

 

[FollowingHim2]

Hi ChristineP. I'm so glad you posted here since we missed you on the chat. It'd be great if you'd come back on next week so we can all chat together. You can also speak to anyone in the room at any time, just ask them to meet you in there.

You seem to be worried that you're not needed any more. Your husband sounds wonderful, and I have one very important thing to tell you.

HE'S NOT TRYING TO REPLACE YOU!

There we go. What he has with you is so amazing that he wants more of it. It doesn't make your relationship with him any less. It doesn't mean that he doesn't need you any less.

When you held your first child in your arms and gazed at that beautiful face, what did you feel? Love, I'm sure. Devotion. Caring. Protectfulness.
When you held your second child in your arms and gazed at that beautiful face, what did you feel? The same I bet. Did the feelings for your first child change simply because you got a second? When you looked at your first did you see problems in them that you thought could only be filled by another child? Did you then push out the first child when the second came along because they weren't needed? Of course you didn't! If anything, I bet your love expanded and increased for the first child as you watched them interact with your second, as you saw how helpful they could be, as you saw the different way they approached playing games compared to the second child, and watched their different personality form.

Different does not mean better or worse, it is just different. She has a different body to you. She has different hair than you. She has a different personality than you. She has different approaches to situations than you. Nothing wrong with any of that, it's good, variety is a wonderful thing.

 

[The Revolting Man]

Well my first thought is that your husband needs to take this decision away from you. It's putting you in an unnatural place of leadership and most of your problems will greatly lessen if you trust him and trust God.

I can't imagine how this won't hurt and be difficult. It's a hard thing to be the kind of wife who puts her husband's dreams and goals first even if you're monogamous. I say approach your husband and apologize for trying to take control. Tell him you trust his judgement and then get ready to fight your flesh on every front. You will be attacked from every angle. Stand strong. It will be worth it. Your husband and children will rise up and call you blessed.

Bit your husband obviously has a desire to be a patriarch. As his help meet, help him achieve that. You wonder what he needs that you can't give him alone, you can't give him the status and standing of being a man with two wives, at least not alone. But with Nikki's help you can literally achieve this dream for him. He will be admired and envied and you will have given him that. And I doubt in the end you will lose anything.

You sound like a godly woman and it takes a strong, logical and brave woman to come as far as you have. You're already in up to your neck. Just push off and swim.

And don't withdraw from the relationship because you're pouting. That's passive aggressive. Those patterns will resurface in other areas even if polygyny disappears tomorrow. Use this as an opportunity to confront those patterns now over something important. And don't worry about the weight. Nikki will gain some soon enough.

 

[mystic]

Welcome to BF, ChristineP.

It sounds to me like a process of coming together was underway for all involved, with its own flow. Then you asked everyone to stop and hold still, which they respectfully have been doing, but now as a result the energy is jammed up and all are suffering. This suggests that the solution is for you to trust and let things move forward.

 

[steve]

The enemy of our soul is threatened by polygyny. He steps up his attacks on anyone who attempts this lifestyle.
Feelings of jealousy are simply temptations that need to be overcome, not placated. They will never go away if they are not defeated, they will only grow.

Also be aware that as you take the victory over jealousy, he will attack from a totally different direction. One of the others who is having such a perfect attitude right now will be struggling to maintain.
If you and your family will let it, Poly will become the greatest personal development course ever devised. But you have to embrace what YHWH is doing in the midst of the storm, not embrace what the storm feels like.

Ps. Your husband and Nikki are fighting temptations also. You need to live up to their example.
You are doing well though, your post was a level of openness that is most excellent and is a huge step in the right direction. Not many get that far.