• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

Two Questions...

Sonshine

Sonshine

Member
Real Person
Female
So, because I don't get on here very often, I tend to have a pressing question or issue and don't address it right away. And, so now, when I CAN get on here, those questions have stacked up a little. And, also, I really hope this is the right place for these two questions...

I'm wanting advice/opinions from everyone. Men, women, practicing polygynists, non-practicing polygynists, all of you. I appreciate all the help I can get. :)

First: My husband and I have been discussing the hypothetical honeymoon. When we first started discussing the idea of PM with each other and BEFORE he and "N" were dating, he mentioned the fact that because it's a different kind of relationship structure there probably wouldn't be a honeymoon.
Now, he's singing a different tune. He wants one. He feels they deserve one. I honestly can't say that I disagree with this. However, we disagree on what is a reasonable timeline for a honeymoon. Now, he told me he'd always take my wants/needs into consideration--and he has so far, even on this--but, I'm pretty sure he's not budging on what he considers a reasonable time.

I, on the other hand, have never been away from him for longer than MAYBE two days. This whole thing is going to be TERRIBLY difficult for me. I have no one here, besides the children, that will be able to help me through it. And he's talking being gone for a week, hypothetically, of course. Leaving me alone with the kids.

Is my attitude towards this completely selfish? Should I say, "Yes, husband, go with my blessing?" Not that he NEEDS it, obviously.

I'm not asking if I should submit in this--I'm asking if I'm being selfish and unreasonable. And if I am, I need to hear it from someone other than the man who I feel isn't going to be the one losing anything in this situation. :)

Secondly: I guess this IS a question MOSTLY for experienced polygynists (although, I won't be adverse to hearing others' opinions)... Naturally, in marriage, you have your ups and downs. Sometimes you are just SO in sync with your spouse. Others, things are middle-of-the road (probably where most of us live), and OTHERS are hard. Really, really hard lows.

My question is, as the first wife; would my husband's and SWs extreme highs affect my marriage negatively? Could it? What about their lows? I realize, of course, ours could too... But, I'm operating from fear of my marriage happiness hinging upon theirs.

Thanks, all! I hope those questions were clear enough. ;)
 
Thank you, Zec. It doesn't feel good to hear how off the mark I am here, but I NEED to hear it from someone outside the situation. :) This just gives me one MORE thing to work on!
 
So here is my take on it. He does deserve a honeymoon and she does too. It would be great extra bonding for the 2. The other deal is the kids. How old are they? If they are young, it's probably best for him not being to far away from them. So here is what I would do if I was in his situation. I would go on the honeymoon with the new wife, and my other wife would tag along in a separate vehicle and they would be "close by." For example, if you're at a campsite with the new wife, I would have my other wife within walking distance but not visual distance. The point is for him to have that bonding experience that he needs with his new wife without distractions, but not enough to completely isolate himself from you and the kids. After all, she is joining the family. HAHA Plus ChristineP, make use of this time to bond with your kids and take a vacation as well. :)
 
@ChristineP - I really admire that you are tackling these challenges by seeking out biblical answers and the opinions of those who have been there or who understand polygyny to be acceptable and good.

I don't think a week for a honeymoon is asking too much, but that doesn't mean I don't see your point. Having never been away from your husband for more than a day or two certainly makes this a tough pill to swallow, but it isn't unreasonable.

That said, I also don't think it is unreasonable to ask for a bit of alone time before and after the honeymoon, but that is just my opinion.

I don't know if I would be totally comfortable going along like @Dakota suggested, but really that is a situation where everyone would need to decide for themselves.
 
I could say for her just to swallow the pill and just tough it up and that's always an option. My solution was to provide something for all parties. It totally depends on the guy, the wife, and the future other. I was also trying to provide an efficienc answer. A party for all and to relax basically. But, again, those are just some opinions.
 
ChristineP said:
Should I say, "Yes, husband, go with my blessing?" Not that he NEEDS it, obviously.
Click to expand...

I will never be able to outdo Zec for straight talk, so I'm going to try to push the envelope instead.

Matthew 5:41 And whosoever shall compel you to go a mile, go with him two.

I think the correct response should be: "Yes husband, in fact please take two weeks to enjoy your new bride, I will keep things in order here and await your good pleasure"

or some such...

And I say this because beyond the requirement of submitting to your husband is the responsibility to grow in the new life in Christ; which is utterly selfless and necessary for your own standing at the judgment.

Practically, it would be better for all concerned if the week's honeymoon were taken with the knowledge that you freely offered more, than with the knowledge that you begrudgingly acquiesced to it because you had to. It will cut down on the potential for anyone to develop resentment or spite.
 
First off, Not a practitioner:

This may be their only time to be alone together for a while. Plural marriage and kids doesn't seem like a vacation cruise.

Some things I would ask to help you determine your answer:

Is the SW a virgin?
How long has she known your DH?
Are there ways for them to be alone after the hm?
Has she been married before?
 
A week is average for a honeymoon... mostly for monogamists. A weekend is common among the plural families I know because the men have wives and children already. However, if you think you can handle the children and responsibilities at home, I recommend giving your blessing for the sake of your sister wife-to-be. She will appreciate the time alone with your husband; once you're all living in the same house, it will be harder to find opportunities to be by yourselves.

As for your second question, yes your relationships will affect each other. It is natural; he is only human. It probably won't affect your relationship as dramatically as you fear though.

@Dakota, I can appreciate the thought behind your suggestion (inclusion and togetherness), but I wouldn't appreciate being either woman in that situation. If the tables were turned, you probably wouldn't like to be the other guy in an upside down world where it works like that.
 
Slumberfreeze said:
I will never be able to outdo Zec for straight talk, so I'm going to try to push the envelope instead.

Matthew 5:41 And whosoever shall compel you to go a mile, go with him two.

I think the correct response should be: "Yes husband, in fact please take two weeks to enjoy your new bride, I will keep things in order here and await your good pleasure"

or some such...

And I say this because beyond the requirement of submitting to your husband is the responsibility to grow in the new life in Christ; which is utterly selfless and necessary for your own standing at the judgment.

Practically, it would be better for all concerned if the week's honeymoon were taken with the knowledge that you freely offered more, than with the knowledge that you begrudgingly acquiesced to it because you had to. It will cut down on the potential for anyone to develop resentment or spite.
Click to expand...

And once again Slumberfreeze hits it out of the park. Excellent post.

Christine, the honeymoon encapsulates everything you fear about polygyny; being excluded, left alone, overwhelmed with housework and kids while they're off having exciting sex and growing close. Its totally understandable, at least to this non-practioner, that this could freak you out.

Take a deep breath and gut through it. I'm fairly sure you can handle those kids.
 
I do fully agree with the others that it is reasonable for them to have a honeymoon of somewhere from a weekend to a week in length. However I also appreciate the emotional difficulties for a first wife in this situation and don't like just saying "toughen up". I am well aware that you could well get family visiting over that week, asking where your husband is, and have to deal with a lot of negativity alone, there are reasons for a husband to be around to handle things at the start.

This is a time where your husband has to figure out how to manage the emotional requirements of both of you. And that might involve some lateral thinking. They could go away for a number of weekends and have a staggered honeymoon. They could go away for a weekend, handle all the issues with family and church, then head away for a week after a month or so. They could dispense with the honeymoon entirely at the start and plan a fortnight six months later. They could go around all the family and announce their intention to marry publicly weeks before it actually occurs, so all the negativity occurs while they're still around, and by the time they marry and head off on the honeymoon everything he should be around to manage is already sorted (everyone already either is cool with it or is so upset they won't be visiting anytime soon)...

There are no rules. Tell your husband your fears and concerns, ask him to find a solution, and do whatever he decides, which will no doubt involve some "toughen up" and some gentle management of the situation.
 
Mojo said:
First off, Not a practitioner:

This may be their only time to be alone together for a while. Plural marriage and kids doesn't seem like a vacation cruise.

Some things I would ask to help you determine your answer:

Is the SW a virgin?
How long has she known your DH?
Are there ways for them to be alone after the hm?
Has she been married before?
Click to expand...
I am not going to counsel on what is appropriate emotionally, spiritually, or logistically (what a cop out...right?). This is too personal. I will say that if it is bothering you this much still.....it may be too soon for your family still. Just saying.

I asked these other questions earlier because I think they matter.

An unmarried, virginal, young woman may need more time to process that whole sex thing. Her first few times may not be all that blissful. If he is a true godly man, he will take his time to let her adjust. The longer they have to bond physically, the greater the bond will be emotionally.

If she is not new to sex or to marriage, that may be more reason for a shortened hm.

Once again, that's something y'all will have to hash out as a family. I will say this, though. Biblically, your hubby is the one to ultimately decide. Your role is to accept it and support it. You don't have to agree, but you must submit....period.
 
Thanks for asking this question, because it prompted a conversation between Samuel and I which was rather valuable to have.
The first time Samuel went away after we were married I stayed with friends. The second time I had a 4 month old baby that I had never been in the house with on my own and had a mild panic attack that I would do something wrong, lol, so I had my sister come to stay. So let me say that I fully get where you're coming from in not having been away from hubby for long before.
Samuel has often travelled for work and pleasure and left me at home alone with the children. I have dealt with my house flooded with a preschooler, toddler, baby, and heavily pregnant, while he's been away. I have made it a week and a half with 5 children on my own while he's been away. I have dealt with power problems, generator problems, snow, the aforementioned flood, and children determined to destroy the house.
Now let me say that I am not a strong person. I am not even a particularly bright person half the time. But somehow I manage to deal with this stuff. Somehow I manage to cope. The world does not end, and Samuel does come home to me. I do sometimes have help from Samuel's family, but mostly they think he shouldn't be leaving me and so they get annoyed that he's gone. It's hard to deal with that while my house is flooded and I'm asking if I can come stay at their house! But we got through.
So, can I deal with Samuel going away for a honeymoon for a week? Yes, I can. Will it be hard? Oh yeah!
To a certain extent you do have to 'suck it up' and just get on with it. Just grit your teeth and do what needs to be done, take it one day at a time, and know that he will be back and you'll get to start your time together as a family. Yes it will be hard, but you can do it!
Also, you have an online family here. We can't help you out in a practical sense, but we can be here for you emotionally, we can be praying, and if you ever need to talk about what you're going through then there's the ladies chat or you can PM anyone at anytime. Remember I'm up during your night ;). You have support, you just have to look for it.
I've left the most important part until last. PRAY. Prayer solves all sorts of problems. I know it's not the same as having Yeshua appear in your kitchen and do your dishes and fold laundry, but He is still there, He is still listening.
 
When you look at the example of Jacob's marriage, there appears to be an understanding that a new wife has a week that belongs to her. (Gen 29:27,28). In this example, even a wife that comes under her new Adown's covering through guile, trickery and manipulation. While I admit that this is an extreme example, how much more should your new SW deserve to have her new Adown fulfill her week since (I assume) there has been no guile, trickery or manipulation.

IMHO, especially if your new SW & DH has played above board in their relationship to this point, your perspective should be one of respect and honor, not self centered or selfish. If you were in her shoes, as the SW coming in, would you not desire to have that same opportunity?

Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, † having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.
Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Phil.2:2-4

I am not a practicing poly, but it always amazes me how we view our spousal relationships through a cultural rather than biblical worldview. We think nothing of witnessing to total strangers to exalt our Saviour and bring them into a relationship with Him. If someone accepts Him as Lord and Saviour we think something extraordinary just happened. I've never heard of anyone remarking that because someone else experienced salvation that they were worried that Christ would abandon them in favor of a new 'bride'. I've never heard anyone be concerned or jealous about others experiencing a very close intimate walk with the Saviour. Is that not what we expect from a new believer? Do we not rather focus on our own relationship with Him and attempt to help other believers experience that same closeness?
Do we ever expect Him to consult with us before He brings another into His family? Do we ever attempt to set parameters and guidelines for how He interacts with another believer? It would be ludicrous for us to think that we have that kind of authority in our relationship with Jesus Christ. Why? Because we have been taught by Scripture the nature of our relationship with Him. God is His Father, everything that Christ does is to please His Father. We are Christ's Bride collectively, not singularly. We are not co-equal with Christ. He is our authority and Lord. Thus, He behaves in a manner consistent with that position.

Though I would be the first to agree that we men are an incredibly poor substitute to re-present Christ, that is exactly the picture that Paul gives us in Ephesians 5:24. Is it unreasonable to compare the scenarios mentioned above with the earthly example of the family. As I understand it, to view the family in any other light brings confusion, misunderstanding, chaos and grief. Just as God the Father has established His Son as the Adown over all who will trust or covenant with Him, God has also established from the beginning the man to be the Adown over all who will trust and covenant with him. We trust our Saviour implicitly to honor His covenant and be our Adown regardless of how many others have taken advantage of the same covenant. Does He belong to us, or do we belong to Him? I submit there is a huge difference.

Ultimately, it all comes down to your Adown. He must be able to follow His Adonai. He will one day give account for how he husbanded both/all of his "talents". Give him the freedom to follow as Christ leads him. If he falls short, it is his to account for. If, however, he falls short due to your influence in a direction contrary to Christ, then you have just become a modern day Eve. Pray much, communicate with love, and be willing to follow where He leads your Adown.
 
Christine,
You have had literally years to get to know your husband without having to deal with any other relational partnerships.
No matter how well developed their relationship is, one week of privacy won't even be barely adequate. I am not advocating for more than that, just for you to realize the reality of how little it is.
I would recommend that you consider hiring a nanny for a week and taking the kids on a one week vacation, changing the playing field for yourself gets your mind off of normal expectations of life.

Dakota, your heart is in the right place in attempting a compromise, but that plan is much worse than no hm at all, imo.
 
First off, thank each and every one of you for responding. I've taken everything you've said here and let it help me look at things in a better light.
aineo said:
I also don't think it is unreasonable to ask for a bit of alone time before and after the honeymoon, but that is just my opinion.
Click to expand...
Aineo, thanks for responding! And, initially, I would've loved your idea. However, now, after going through and thinking about everything that was pointed out to me...I think that that would be selfish. All of you that pointed out how I've had a lot of time with my husband and she hasn't. Those who've pointed out my selfishness in this--Thank you.

I needed to remember what this is about. And it's NOT about me or what I want. It should be about THEM. And because it would be a new time for them to have together, I should not only give my blessing but be EXCEEDINGLY happy and understanding. It's not easy, but as my husband always says--these things are a choice. :)

Slumberfreeze said:
I will never be able to outdo Zec for straight talk, so I'm going to try to push the envelope instead.

Matthew 5:41 And whosoever shall compel you to go a mile, go with him two.

I think the correct response should be: "Yes husband, in fact please take two weeks to enjoy your new bride, I will keep things in order here and await your good pleasure"
Click to expand...

Yes. So, this is something I've decided to work on. My response will be, "Guys, take all the time you need. A week, two, three, a month. It's about what you guys need and want." I'm working on the feelings that go along with this fact. I CAN get myself there. Being a cheerful giver. :) Thank you for reminding me of this, Slumberfreeze. :)

Lili said:
As for your second question, yes your relationships will affect each other. It is natural; he is only human. It probably won't affect your relationship as dramatically as you fear though.
Click to expand...
Thank you, Lili!!! :)

FollowingHim said:
This is a time where your husband has to figure out how to manage the emotional requirements of both of you.
Click to expand...
FollowingHim said:
There are no rules. Tell your husband your fears and concerns, ask him to find a solution
Click to expand...

This sounds like something that would work. Except now, I'm thinking more along the lines of being the loving SW/wife that YHWH would have me be. The verse Slumberfreeze quoted, in my opinion, doesn't allow for this. I DO need to suck it up and deal. I DO need to put them first. I can't be giving more, while also ASKING for more. That's not what sacrifice is.
My husband told me that in a perfect situation, we're all worried about each other and therefore we aren't worried or concerned about ourselves. And then we're all getting what we need.
My worry has been that they won't be as giving and that I'll be giving and sacrificial all by myself. But, being reminded by all of you that, again...It' not. about. me. That's been helpful. Because, it doesn't matter what or how THEY act...What matters is that I'm doing what YHWH would have me do. And then, how could I NOT be happy?

Mojo said:
I will say this, though. Biblically, your hubby is the one to ultimately decide. Your role is to accept it and support it. You don't have to agree, but you must submit....period.
Click to expand...
Submission has NEVER been an issue for me. But, it's more dealing with my heart. And that's why I asked you all if I was, indeed, being selfish. But, thank you, for the reminder. My husband is entitled to my submission. :)

Sarah, as usual, you're a blessing and encouragement to me. Thank you, love. :) I KNOW I can do this. I can be a big girl!!! ;)
Verifyveritas76 said:
IMHO, especially if your new SW & DH has played above board in their relationship to this point, your perspective should be one of respect and honor, not self centered or selfish. If you were in her shoes, as the SW coming in, would you not desire to have that same opportunity?
Click to expand...
This. You are correct. The fact of the matter is, husband and I dated without any of the issues he and his GF have. If it weren't for me and the kids, they'd probably be much farther along in their relationship. They'd have more time together. They'd maybe even be engaged already!! So, I can only do what I can (from this point on) to make things better and more even for them.
Which, I'm glad to say, I'm in the process of now.

I'm leaving the house tonight! Not sure what I'm going to do yet! But, they'll have a night to just be here tonight (with the kids--which is still not what I had to deal with), where I can get out of their hair. :) And tomorrow, I think husband is going to take her out just the two of them. Normally, I'd be chomping at the bit to schedule MY time...But, you guys have given me a whole new perspective... It's not. about. me. Even if I have to repeat this to myself 100 times a day, I WILL get it!!! ;)

Thank you all, again. I'm sure this is not ever going to be easy. But, I can only decide what road to take and just take it a day at a time. I realize that I'm only entitled to my husband's providing food, shelter, and the basic care. Anything else is "extra". And, I've struggled with the idea of "well, what if he gives her MORE than all that?" Well, who cares? It's NOT a competition. I'm supposed to say, "You guys want/need this(could be anything), take MORE, instead!" I'm making it an emotional thing when I really shouldn't.

I can only see getting closer to my Creator this way. Thanks for bringing all of this to my attention. :)
 
Thank you, Sarah!! I'm not going to be perfect--but I'm going to do my absolute best. Prayers would be appreciated. :)
Right now, I just got done driving around looking for a place to sit and eat. I don't have much to do (this would be so much easier with close friends nearby) or money to spend, but I'm DETERMINED to find something to do for the next four hours to give them some alone time.

I want this to work out. I want to continue to grow. And you are SO right! I've never been challenged more than I have now. That can only be a good thing! :)
 
Sorry if this is all too much information... I'm a little lonely at the moment... Seeing as how you all are the only ones I can talk to, I might go a little overboard. ;)
 
Oh. Uh. Shoot. So like... errr. do you watch much stuff on Netflix? I just got done watching Limitless and we just started The Iron Fist.

Or like whatever you want to talk about? What I'm saying is I can hop on chat if you want while I study for tonight.

Actually yeah, I'm going to hop on chat and if you are totes bored I'd be happy to say things all social like.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top