I recently came across this testimony published by a mainstream Australian news site. I found it a terribly tragic story, particularly knowing that the pain felt by the participants may have been averted through an understanding of Biblical Marriage. Most comments attached to the article were negative and unsympathetic towards the woman involved. I share the text of the article below (copied and pasted), and afterwards add my thoughts:
MARRIED men (and women) have affairs. We know this.
But often the ‘other woman’ is dismissed with little sympathy as a home wrecker.
What is it like on the other side of the fence? News.com.au spoke to Libby*, 33, from NSW to find out …
“I MET Dean* at a friend’s party. There was an instant attraction between us. I checked his wedding finger, no ring. When he asked me out I said yes. I fell in love very hard and very fast. Then I found out he was married with two children.
He told me over dinner. I cried. I stormed off. When he arrived at my unit the following day, I opened the door. I couldn’t turn off my feelings for him. It was too late.
We started seeing each other a couple of times a week. He’d take me out for dinner; we’d spend the night in a hotel. He’d leave in the early hours. He’d tell his wife he was working late. Yes, I felt guilty about it — if I let myself think about it. I blocked it out.
I didn’t see him at Christmas, New Year or Valentine’s Day. None of that mattered to me. I knew he had a wife. I let him get on with what he needed to do. He made time for me when he could and I always loved spending time with him.
He took me to Paris for our first year anniversary. It was a short trip. I didn’t care. The thought, the love, the commitment, it was there. I was madly in love.
We dated for six years. I knew he’d never leave his wife. As time went on, I adjusted to my new normal. I was happy. He was happy.
Then it took a turn. My period was late. We’d been careful and always used condoms but nothing is 100 per cent reliable, I know that. I kept going to the bathroom to check, hours turned into days and a sinking feeling grew in my stomach.
I just knew.
I couldn’t see him. I pretended I had a lot on at work. I needed to think. When the doctor confirmed I was pregnant, I felt sick. It hit me like a wall.
I couldn’t tell him. How could I? That wasn’t part of the deal. We didn’t talk about his relationship. We had our own routine that had turned into our world, but we never discussed a future together. I knew he loved his wife, he had no intention of leaving her and I’d never thought that was what I wanted.
But, that changed when I found out I was pregnant. I wanted the baby. I knew I couldn’t keep it.
It wasn’t fair on him. He was married, had a family of his own, it was very clear to me that I couldn’t keep the baby.
I could have got support from my family and made ends meet financially and done it on my own. But how awful would that have been? The child would be his too; it would look like him and be his own flesh and blood. There was no answer but to have an abortion.
I went to the clinic with a girlfriend who sat in the waiting room while I went in. Tears ran down my face as we walked back outside to her car.
She stayed that night with me to check I was OK. I said I was. I wasn’t, of course I wasn’t.
The grief was overwhelming. It was a wake up call.
I never knew what I wanted until this point. I know that sounds selfish. I never knew I wanted a baby until I couldn’t have it. I could never have what I truly wanted with him.
I felt guilty, of course I did. I didn’t ever tell him. I moved away soon afterwards and never said a word. Only my one girlfriend knows.
I didn’t want to have the conversation with him. I didn’t want him to feel pressure. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to do the right thing. There was no right thing in this situation.
No one can judge me as harshly as I judge myself.
I’ve learned that the only chance you have is to be very careful about who you fall in love with in the first place. Never trick yourself into believing that a fraction is all you want.
I should have walked away when I found out he was married. I didn’t.
I can’t regret any of it.
I have to live with that. In the end I lost everything. I lost the man I loved madly, and the baby that couldn’t be. I have to live with all of that too.”
*Names have been changed
- It's impossible to know Dean's motivation for pursuing this woman in the early stage of the relationship, and I certainly disagree with the deception involved. That being said, it's clear that on some level, the relationship became committed and stable--even 'normal'--and that Dean successfully managed to husband both women (albeit deceptively, unfairly, and unequally).
- It's impossible to know the state of Dean's marriage, but Libby believed he loved his wife, and was still committed to her and the family they had together. Libby was able to adapt to the presence of this other unknown woman in Dean's life, and still find happiness with him.
- I'm assuming that Dean had no knowledge of Biblical Marriage, yet intuitively, he felt capable of expressing committed love towards two women. I wonder how many other men wrestle with this feeling, yet have been taught by society to deny its validity?
- Caught between a rock and a hard place, Libby chose to kill her unborn baby, rather than see the man she loved destroyed because of the baby's conception. How have we got to a point in society where murder is more acceptable than love??
- Dean loved his wife and was afraid of losing what he had with her, and so never even raised the issue (if he was even aware it was a possibility) of polgygny. I think this is one of the major reasons preventing more men from becoming polygynous. It's ironic that those with much capacity to love hold themselves back from loving more women precisely because they love their first wives and don't want to hurt them.
- Modern women have been taught to believe that a fulfilling relationship and motherhood are two separate things, yet when Libby became pregnant, the way she felt about her relationship changed. She realised that one completed the other, and without one, she couldn't have the other. She realised too late that motherhood and marriage are inextricably intertwined.
- I can't help feeling terrible grief and compassion for the whole situation. My heart hurt for days after reading this. (It was a silent hurt. I have no one to talk to that would understand my point of view).
And here's some open questions that I don't have answers for):
- Is polygyny just a Biblical thing, or is it a human thing? Is there a place for polygyny among western unbelievers? Could it help prevent the break up of marriages, and provide more women with husbands, even when those marriages are not orientated around a commitment to Jesus? How can discussions about this take place, without causing women who are already married (and who have no exposure to polygynous ideas) feel threatened and unloved?
MARRIED men (and women) have affairs. We know this.
But often the ‘other woman’ is dismissed with little sympathy as a home wrecker.
What is it like on the other side of the fence? News.com.au spoke to Libby*, 33, from NSW to find out …
“I MET Dean* at a friend’s party. There was an instant attraction between us. I checked his wedding finger, no ring. When he asked me out I said yes. I fell in love very hard and very fast. Then I found out he was married with two children.
He told me over dinner. I cried. I stormed off. When he arrived at my unit the following day, I opened the door. I couldn’t turn off my feelings for him. It was too late.
We started seeing each other a couple of times a week. He’d take me out for dinner; we’d spend the night in a hotel. He’d leave in the early hours. He’d tell his wife he was working late. Yes, I felt guilty about it — if I let myself think about it. I blocked it out.
I didn’t see him at Christmas, New Year or Valentine’s Day. None of that mattered to me. I knew he had a wife. I let him get on with what he needed to do. He made time for me when he could and I always loved spending time with him.
He took me to Paris for our first year anniversary. It was a short trip. I didn’t care. The thought, the love, the commitment, it was there. I was madly in love.
We dated for six years. I knew he’d never leave his wife. As time went on, I adjusted to my new normal. I was happy. He was happy.
Then it took a turn. My period was late. We’d been careful and always used condoms but nothing is 100 per cent reliable, I know that. I kept going to the bathroom to check, hours turned into days and a sinking feeling grew in my stomach.
I just knew.
I couldn’t see him. I pretended I had a lot on at work. I needed to think. When the doctor confirmed I was pregnant, I felt sick. It hit me like a wall.
I couldn’t tell him. How could I? That wasn’t part of the deal. We didn’t talk about his relationship. We had our own routine that had turned into our world, but we never discussed a future together. I knew he loved his wife, he had no intention of leaving her and I’d never thought that was what I wanted.
But, that changed when I found out I was pregnant. I wanted the baby. I knew I couldn’t keep it.
It wasn’t fair on him. He was married, had a family of his own, it was very clear to me that I couldn’t keep the baby.
I could have got support from my family and made ends meet financially and done it on my own. But how awful would that have been? The child would be his too; it would look like him and be his own flesh and blood. There was no answer but to have an abortion.
I went to the clinic with a girlfriend who sat in the waiting room while I went in. Tears ran down my face as we walked back outside to her car.
She stayed that night with me to check I was OK. I said I was. I wasn’t, of course I wasn’t.
The grief was overwhelming. It was a wake up call.
I never knew what I wanted until this point. I know that sounds selfish. I never knew I wanted a baby until I couldn’t have it. I could never have what I truly wanted with him.
I felt guilty, of course I did. I didn’t ever tell him. I moved away soon afterwards and never said a word. Only my one girlfriend knows.
I didn’t want to have the conversation with him. I didn’t want him to feel pressure. I didn’t want him to feel like he had to do the right thing. There was no right thing in this situation.
No one can judge me as harshly as I judge myself.
I’ve learned that the only chance you have is to be very careful about who you fall in love with in the first place. Never trick yourself into believing that a fraction is all you want.
I should have walked away when I found out he was married. I didn’t.
I can’t regret any of it.
I have to live with that. In the end I lost everything. I lost the man I loved madly, and the baby that couldn’t be. I have to live with all of that too.”
*Names have been changed
- It's impossible to know Dean's motivation for pursuing this woman in the early stage of the relationship, and I certainly disagree with the deception involved. That being said, it's clear that on some level, the relationship became committed and stable--even 'normal'--and that Dean successfully managed to husband both women (albeit deceptively, unfairly, and unequally).
- It's impossible to know the state of Dean's marriage, but Libby believed he loved his wife, and was still committed to her and the family they had together. Libby was able to adapt to the presence of this other unknown woman in Dean's life, and still find happiness with him.
- I'm assuming that Dean had no knowledge of Biblical Marriage, yet intuitively, he felt capable of expressing committed love towards two women. I wonder how many other men wrestle with this feeling, yet have been taught by society to deny its validity?
- Caught between a rock and a hard place, Libby chose to kill her unborn baby, rather than see the man she loved destroyed because of the baby's conception. How have we got to a point in society where murder is more acceptable than love??
- Dean loved his wife and was afraid of losing what he had with her, and so never even raised the issue (if he was even aware it was a possibility) of polgygny. I think this is one of the major reasons preventing more men from becoming polygynous. It's ironic that those with much capacity to love hold themselves back from loving more women precisely because they love their first wives and don't want to hurt them.
- Modern women have been taught to believe that a fulfilling relationship and motherhood are two separate things, yet when Libby became pregnant, the way she felt about her relationship changed. She realised that one completed the other, and without one, she couldn't have the other. She realised too late that motherhood and marriage are inextricably intertwined.
- I can't help feeling terrible grief and compassion for the whole situation. My heart hurt for days after reading this. (It was a silent hurt. I have no one to talk to that would understand my point of view).
And here's some open questions that I don't have answers for):
- Is polygyny just a Biblical thing, or is it a human thing? Is there a place for polygyny among western unbelievers? Could it help prevent the break up of marriages, and provide more women with husbands, even when those marriages are not orientated around a commitment to Jesus? How can discussions about this take place, without causing women who are already married (and who have no exposure to polygynous ideas) feel threatened and unloved?
