Thoughts on “First Wife Syndrome” by a first wife:
When first I heard about the practice of polygamy, I immediately thought of the Mormons and their practice of polygamy in the 19th century, and a sect of Mormons that still practice it. Then, over a span of 10 years, Ron would run across practicing families on his travels between AZ and Florida. Many of these families were in our age group, were not Mormons but still Christian, and seemed happy together. So he and I would discuss this way of living. It made sense from an intellectual point of view, as there are so many women who want a good man and a family, but all the ‘good’ men seem to be taken and so the broken-hearted women struggle with accepting that the hope of marriage is not to be realized.
[The tragedy is that of failed marriages and the many, many women who wish to be happily married again or for the first time. The cause of this tragedy is the dearth of men that make good husbands.]
When this practice of sharing my husband with another woman (my best friend for 20 yrs at the time) became a reality, "all hell broke loose"! I was hurt, wounded, distraught, and went through all the symptoms of the “First Wife Syndrome” {written by a good friend, John Whitten and all bracketed sentences are from his article}
[What I have discovered in my reading and questioning of many men and women about plural marriage is that the objections are not usually based on Biblical or moral reasons. Legalities are not even significant to keep an honest person from entering into the blessed and righteous bonds of plural marriage. The “FWS” is predicated upon the beliefs and practices of the first wife as well as the beliefs and actions of the husband as he relates to his first wife. These beliefs and practices are almost entirely emotional in nature… The first symptom of this syndrome is ignorance. As in most human experiences the fear of the unknown is more devastating than what is known or experienced. Ignorance then, causes more negative reaction to new ideas or practices than anything else… When I suggest the concept of plural marriage, since it is virtually unknown among us as practiced in the Bible history, most wives shrink back from such a possibility because of ignorance, not because of any reality.]
After much reading and research in the Bible, I knew that God had no problem with it, and even Jesus alluded to polygyny in the parable of the 10 virgins for one bridegroom. I was no longer ignorant of the truth of polygyny. I also already had intellectually accepted it as a viable practice of marriage for those seeking husbands and families and had no hope of ever getting that.
[The second symptom of the “FWS” is the awful sense of losing her place in life. Any woman that has agreed to marry a man as a first wife has also, in all likelihood, assumed that she would be the only wife in her husbands’ life. She has entrusted to him certain things of great value, including her trust, her future, and her affection. She has confidence in him that he will always be there for her. In most good marriages, he is the center of her world. The good wife has established her identity with her husband. When she hears or suspects that her beloved husband is considering marrying an additional wife, she fears she will lose all that she has invested in her husband. She may even feel the ground beneath her feet give way and leave her with only loss and isolation. She doesn’t want to lose her husband to another woman and lose her world at the same time.]
I totally experienced these emotions!! I could not believe this was happening to me! My world was crashing in and I was lost in a whirlwind of pain and loss!
[The third symptom is that of feeling unloved or unwanted. Closely coupled with that is the sense that she has failed to be a good wife and is being discarded for a newer model. She may fear the newer model will be younger and more attractive; that after devoting her youth and energies to her husband she is being cast aside as useless and worn out. It must seem to her that, in his eyes she lacks value and virtue, the very things she felt she was contributing to the marriage relationship. Such a wife will usually respond in one of two probable ways.
1. Desolation; hopelessness; broken spirited.
2. Rebellion; resisting any attempt of plural marriage, even to the extent of destroying her relationship with her husband. Such feelings and responses are not abnormal, even among wonderful, God fearing and honoring wives.]
My feelings had nothing to do with facing a younger sister wife, I am near Jan’s age. It was that feeling of mine of being cast aside for a better woman, more capable of keeping a clean home, cooking better, more outgoing and fun-loving, and in that honeymoon stage of love with my husband. I was feeling the desolation, hopelessness, and broken spirited emotional pain.
[The fourth and last of our list of symptoms of the “FWS” is closely aligned with the other three. However, insecurity deserves to be considered as a single issue. One of the key issues in a successful marriage is the trust and security that a wife has in her husband. When any or all of the above issues have begun to emerge, she feels the safety of her whole being is undermined. She will have no safe refuge. She will begin to question his integrity, his reliability and his love. She will likely feel she has to evaluate everything he says and wonder what he is doing when he is not in her direct presence. Her insecurity will cause her to pull away from her husband and perhaps seek the counsel and security of friends and relatives. The friends and family will most certainly not understand what is happening, therefore furthering the polarization of the family.]
He describes the “First Wife Syndrome” as [“The accumulation of the fears of the unknown, uncertainty of love, fear of losing everything dear and the insecurity that change brings”.]
I most assuredly went through all written above of pulling away from Ron and seeking the solace of friends, family, counselors, and church leaders, all of whom had no understanding of what the Bible had to say about polygyny. This type of marriage was unknown and unrecognized by most people in our society. Therefore I found many people who advised me to divorce my husband because of this lifestyle. This advice further increased my emotional distress as I never would leave Ron nor divorce him. I just wanted things to return to normal, or so I thought at the time.
[Enter the Husband, the key person in considering the “FWS”. He is the one that is interacting with each wife, he is the one suspected of acting out of uncontrolled lust and unfaithfulness. How the husband functions in his role of husband to his first wife will set the stage for her understanding and security. He has the ability to assuage her fears and comfort her trembling heart. Any man, who can’t or won’t love his first wife well, will not be a good candidate as husband to a second or third wife. He should never take on the responsibility of loving and caring for additional wives, if he is not already being an admirable husband to his first wife, “the wife of his youth”.]
Ron always tried to be the best husband he could be towards me. And now he increased his loving, kindness, and caring of me to try and assure me that I was always his beloved wife, that he would never stop loving me, that our differences could be worked out, that he would never leave me, that he was just extending his love and family by bringing Jan into our lives in a different way. (She was a widow and we (yes, we) did feel that she was too young not to be married.) He constantly told me how much he loved and appreciated me, and did his best to assuage my fears and anxieties.
I was not at a place to hear him. I had to change my way of thinking and feeling. I needed to be secure within myself, to trust and like myself within this lifestyle to feel safe and heard. I learned that Jan was not there to replace me but rather to come along side of me, helping me with our husband and learning to express the love we both had for him. I had never stopped loving either of them throughout this time; I was just so hurt by it (feeling so betrayed, although I had agreed to it three times).
These feelings are so normal for many first wives, but we do not know what to do with them or how to handle them. They cannot be shunted aside and ignored. They must be dealt with and faced. But we cannot do this alone. We must have our husband and God’s help to handle them. And we need the second wife to understand where we are coming from. And then we have to give understanding to the second wife as she is coming into an existing marriage and trying to learn where she belongs in the family.
[The First Wife Syndrome is real. Any woman struggling with it deserves the love and compassion of her husband. She has position and history that must be considered. On another facet of the issue, a second wife must also recognize the reality of the first wife’s history. There will always be a part of her husbands’ heart that must belong to her alone, for she is the wife of his youth and of his covenant. This need not be a source of contention as long as there is understanding and love for all the family.]
The good news is that very happy and content marriages can emerge for the family. Both wives can become best friends, true sisters if there is love between them. Love is what will conquer all of the hurt and pain and will lead to a happy home if we will let it. We all love our Lord with all of our hearts and minds and souls. We love each other. And we each love our husband. (And we fight and make up just like sisters do!)
-------------------------------------------------------
[] All bracketed comments are excerpts from the article written by John Whitten, December 10, 2009 http://newlookatmarriage.blogspot.com/
When first I heard about the practice of polygamy, I immediately thought of the Mormons and their practice of polygamy in the 19th century, and a sect of Mormons that still practice it. Then, over a span of 10 years, Ron would run across practicing families on his travels between AZ and Florida. Many of these families were in our age group, were not Mormons but still Christian, and seemed happy together. So he and I would discuss this way of living. It made sense from an intellectual point of view, as there are so many women who want a good man and a family, but all the ‘good’ men seem to be taken and so the broken-hearted women struggle with accepting that the hope of marriage is not to be realized.
[The tragedy is that of failed marriages and the many, many women who wish to be happily married again or for the first time. The cause of this tragedy is the dearth of men that make good husbands.]
When this practice of sharing my husband with another woman (my best friend for 20 yrs at the time) became a reality, "all hell broke loose"! I was hurt, wounded, distraught, and went through all the symptoms of the “First Wife Syndrome” {written by a good friend, John Whitten and all bracketed sentences are from his article}
[What I have discovered in my reading and questioning of many men and women about plural marriage is that the objections are not usually based on Biblical or moral reasons. Legalities are not even significant to keep an honest person from entering into the blessed and righteous bonds of plural marriage. The “FWS” is predicated upon the beliefs and practices of the first wife as well as the beliefs and actions of the husband as he relates to his first wife. These beliefs and practices are almost entirely emotional in nature… The first symptom of this syndrome is ignorance. As in most human experiences the fear of the unknown is more devastating than what is known or experienced. Ignorance then, causes more negative reaction to new ideas or practices than anything else… When I suggest the concept of plural marriage, since it is virtually unknown among us as practiced in the Bible history, most wives shrink back from such a possibility because of ignorance, not because of any reality.]
After much reading and research in the Bible, I knew that God had no problem with it, and even Jesus alluded to polygyny in the parable of the 10 virgins for one bridegroom. I was no longer ignorant of the truth of polygyny. I also already had intellectually accepted it as a viable practice of marriage for those seeking husbands and families and had no hope of ever getting that.
[The second symptom of the “FWS” is the awful sense of losing her place in life. Any woman that has agreed to marry a man as a first wife has also, in all likelihood, assumed that she would be the only wife in her husbands’ life. She has entrusted to him certain things of great value, including her trust, her future, and her affection. She has confidence in him that he will always be there for her. In most good marriages, he is the center of her world. The good wife has established her identity with her husband. When she hears or suspects that her beloved husband is considering marrying an additional wife, she fears she will lose all that she has invested in her husband. She may even feel the ground beneath her feet give way and leave her with only loss and isolation. She doesn’t want to lose her husband to another woman and lose her world at the same time.]
I totally experienced these emotions!! I could not believe this was happening to me! My world was crashing in and I was lost in a whirlwind of pain and loss!
[The third symptom is that of feeling unloved or unwanted. Closely coupled with that is the sense that she has failed to be a good wife and is being discarded for a newer model. She may fear the newer model will be younger and more attractive; that after devoting her youth and energies to her husband she is being cast aside as useless and worn out. It must seem to her that, in his eyes she lacks value and virtue, the very things she felt she was contributing to the marriage relationship. Such a wife will usually respond in one of two probable ways.
1. Desolation; hopelessness; broken spirited.
2. Rebellion; resisting any attempt of plural marriage, even to the extent of destroying her relationship with her husband. Such feelings and responses are not abnormal, even among wonderful, God fearing and honoring wives.]
My feelings had nothing to do with facing a younger sister wife, I am near Jan’s age. It was that feeling of mine of being cast aside for a better woman, more capable of keeping a clean home, cooking better, more outgoing and fun-loving, and in that honeymoon stage of love with my husband. I was feeling the desolation, hopelessness, and broken spirited emotional pain.
[The fourth and last of our list of symptoms of the “FWS” is closely aligned with the other three. However, insecurity deserves to be considered as a single issue. One of the key issues in a successful marriage is the trust and security that a wife has in her husband. When any or all of the above issues have begun to emerge, she feels the safety of her whole being is undermined. She will have no safe refuge. She will begin to question his integrity, his reliability and his love. She will likely feel she has to evaluate everything he says and wonder what he is doing when he is not in her direct presence. Her insecurity will cause her to pull away from her husband and perhaps seek the counsel and security of friends and relatives. The friends and family will most certainly not understand what is happening, therefore furthering the polarization of the family.]
He describes the “First Wife Syndrome” as [“The accumulation of the fears of the unknown, uncertainty of love, fear of losing everything dear and the insecurity that change brings”.]
I most assuredly went through all written above of pulling away from Ron and seeking the solace of friends, family, counselors, and church leaders, all of whom had no understanding of what the Bible had to say about polygyny. This type of marriage was unknown and unrecognized by most people in our society. Therefore I found many people who advised me to divorce my husband because of this lifestyle. This advice further increased my emotional distress as I never would leave Ron nor divorce him. I just wanted things to return to normal, or so I thought at the time.
[Enter the Husband, the key person in considering the “FWS”. He is the one that is interacting with each wife, he is the one suspected of acting out of uncontrolled lust and unfaithfulness. How the husband functions in his role of husband to his first wife will set the stage for her understanding and security. He has the ability to assuage her fears and comfort her trembling heart. Any man, who can’t or won’t love his first wife well, will not be a good candidate as husband to a second or third wife. He should never take on the responsibility of loving and caring for additional wives, if he is not already being an admirable husband to his first wife, “the wife of his youth”.]
Ron always tried to be the best husband he could be towards me. And now he increased his loving, kindness, and caring of me to try and assure me that I was always his beloved wife, that he would never stop loving me, that our differences could be worked out, that he would never leave me, that he was just extending his love and family by bringing Jan into our lives in a different way. (She was a widow and we (yes, we) did feel that she was too young not to be married.) He constantly told me how much he loved and appreciated me, and did his best to assuage my fears and anxieties.
I was not at a place to hear him. I had to change my way of thinking and feeling. I needed to be secure within myself, to trust and like myself within this lifestyle to feel safe and heard. I learned that Jan was not there to replace me but rather to come along side of me, helping me with our husband and learning to express the love we both had for him. I had never stopped loving either of them throughout this time; I was just so hurt by it (feeling so betrayed, although I had agreed to it three times).
These feelings are so normal for many first wives, but we do not know what to do with them or how to handle them. They cannot be shunted aside and ignored. They must be dealt with and faced. But we cannot do this alone. We must have our husband and God’s help to handle them. And we need the second wife to understand where we are coming from. And then we have to give understanding to the second wife as she is coming into an existing marriage and trying to learn where she belongs in the family.
[The First Wife Syndrome is real. Any woman struggling with it deserves the love and compassion of her husband. She has position and history that must be considered. On another facet of the issue, a second wife must also recognize the reality of the first wife’s history. There will always be a part of her husbands’ heart that must belong to her alone, for she is the wife of his youth and of his covenant. This need not be a source of contention as long as there is understanding and love for all the family.]
The good news is that very happy and content marriages can emerge for the family. Both wives can become best friends, true sisters if there is love between them. Love is what will conquer all of the hurt and pain and will lead to a happy home if we will let it. We all love our Lord with all of our hearts and minds and souls. We love each other. And we each love our husband. (And we fight and make up just like sisters do!)
-------------------------------------------------------
[] All bracketed comments are excerpts from the article written by John Whitten, December 10, 2009 http://newlookatmarriage.blogspot.com/
It wasn't until later that I realized that they were in the honeymoon stage...for 2 yrs… and I should have understood that instead of reacting in anger and hurt!) We do understand each other, and we will still go through these emotions, but we now know how to talk things out. This is helpful as no one is retreating into a shell or holding resentments against the other. I always loved her, but I could not show it because of my insecurities. Ron has learned to stay out of disagreements between us. We have learned to accept each other's differences and ways of thinking and acting.
