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Taking Care of the Folks

D

DeathIsNotTheEnd

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Alright so, this feels out of place but I'm not sure where else to discuss this.

As life goes on and we 'come out' to our families, it has started dawning on me that a topic I have thus far been able to avoid thinking about, but now is starting to need discussion, is the issue of taking care of our parents.

With two women, this means 3 sets of parents who, as they age, will need more care. In the case of myself and my second wife, I am the oldest son. In the case of my first wife I am the second oldest, so her older brother may take the primary role of caregiver. But either way, I find this topic one that I feel poorly equipped to deal with. I've never had to really take care of any of our parents before. Lately my first's parents have talked about moving out to live near us as they age, because they do not think her brother is capable of helping them. But I don't sense that we will live in this area for much longer, and do not feel that God has called us here long-term.

So. I'm interested to know what you all think about this issue. What is your take on the Bible's directions regarding children supporting their parents in their older years? What kinds of solutions have worked for you? Etc. :)
 
Ya I think the NT is pretty clear it's our responsibility. And I find nursing homes abhorrent, don't even get me started. Besides, they diapered me for several years, I can return the favor. I'm not to this stage in life yet but sounds like another great reason for poly: many hands make light work.
 
Agreed, but how do you make the ideal, reality. For us, three of four parents have passed. My mother is the last of that group and plans have been made to take care of her once she reaches that point that she wants to be. As to a prospective coming into the family, care for her parents would be addressed on a case by case basis.
 
Right. I definitely want to do this. It is the how that I am not sure of. To be honest, I havent seen it done. All of my relatives were/are in nursing homes. I also dont want that for them but Im not sure how to do something differently.

Especially as it is still our goal in the next 4 years to move to Japan. Shall I pay to ship our parents to Japan? I dont think they would be allowed a visa. So then I could pay for housing and make frequent visits to have them set-up well back here in the states, but with who? Hmmm.
 
We've had this talk recently. My grandmother just passed a couple of weeks ago. She was still out on the farm tending her goats. My Grandfather 3 years before still working the farm as did my other set of grand parents. When it came to great grand parents at one time we had 5 generations living in one house for awhile. I've told my mother that when she retires we would like her and My step father to live with us, but that day will probably never come and shell do as my grandmother and work until the day she passes. 3 years ago when my grandfather passed my wife and I were talking about when we are elderly. She works in a nursing home and I stated no matter what I didn't want to end up in one. My daughter said we can live with her and shed take care of me when I'm old. My wife listed off the things she might have to take care of and she was fine up until the point when she learned what incontinent means. She said she couldn't do that. That's when my oldest son who was 5 at the time stepped up and said you can stay with me and ill wipe your butt dad. We say we don't have favorites but...…..
 
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My in-laws died year before last. The last year they came to live with us. I only have one downstairs bedroom and it is the master, but we gave it to them so they would not have to use the stairs and it worked out fine.

Frankly they and we both agreed that they should have done it sooner. It was fun having them around, but by the time they came to live with us they were in pretty poor health. I am a big believer in multi-generational living for lots of reasons (as seen on The Waltons, My Three Sons, etc.)

On my side of the family, I live in the middle (Texas), and my Dad lives on the west coast, and my Mom lives in Florida. My Dad married a much younger second wife and I expect she will take care of him in their own house until he passes. My mother lives alone in the house that might great grandfather built and I expect she will stay there as long as she can. I have two half brothers who live in the same city that take care of her in emergencies and I do what I can from a distance. I do not expect either will come live with me in the future, but they would be more than welcome to if they chose to do so.

As for any future wife, that would be a good think to talk about during a courtship phase: what are her obligations to relatives so thanks for bringing this subject up.
 
My prayers are with anyone who cares for their parents. I can't imagine not having my kids talking with me daily now, let alone in my last years and months. I'm not much for the American culture of abandoning one's parents. I moved to the Philippines in 1998 not realizing the seriousness of my mother's health. I moved back a year later to find that my mother was in the advanced stages of cancer. She died a month later with all of us around her telling her we loved her. She had the last breaths of life before death that nurses and doctors can uncannily determine so we very involved in those last moments. She died on the anniversary of my brother's death 29 years earlier. My dad knew it would be that day. There was a lot of grieving. My first born who was born a week after my mother's death comforted him and I kept my dad company during his last years. He was blessed to know my second born as well before going to be with the Lord and my dad went the same way as my mom, with his loved ones around him but with his eyes closed. In both cases the nurses assured us that dying patients can hear your voices when you tell them goodbye and that you love them. Parents need our love in their last years, not just their last months or last days. Be creative and pray which I'm sure you're doing. It also depends on the kind of relationship you have had with your parents. If old messed up ways of dealing with each other come back to cause problems then it's good to just figure out a way to be less involved. Every relationship is different. Do your best. There's enough guilt when a parent dies even when you've done your best. Don't lose energy. Work hard to do your best.
 
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