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Struggling

A

AlexaH

Member
Female
Ladies,

So I have suffered a few miscarriages in the short time that we have been together as a family. I am struggling because I don't feel like my husband is hearing me when I say that I don't want to keep doing this. He feels as though I am speaking solely from emotions. Which I can attest that I can do from time to time. However, I brought up that I am emotionally and physically tired of the toll it is taking on me. I know what I want to do is get my tubes tied and not have to deal with being upset each time. When I mentioned this he got defensive like I am not trusting God about a baby. I trust God 100 percent. I am trying to get him to understand where I am at with just being done. He made statement about if I was 80 and God wanted me to have a child he could make it happen. It feels as if he is trying to force me to have a baby which just makes me not want it that much more. I guess I just one needed to vent and two maybe get some feedback on how to better explain to my husband how I am feeling.
 
AlexaH said:
I know what I want to do is get my tubes tied and not have to deal with being upset each time.
Click to expand...
That's not what you want. What you want, is to stop having miscarriages. If you knew that you would get pregnant and carry a child to term, then you wouldn't want your tubes tied, right? So maybe there's another way of stopping the miscarriages rather than drastic surgery.
Lets think about some options.
1. Talk to a doctor and a naturopath/herbalist. Find out if there's a reason why you keep miscarrying. Don't be afraid of trying some herbs, it's amazing what some of them can do.
2. Use prevention. I'm big on not using anything hormonal, that will only mess your body up more and you don't want that. But using a barrier method or natural family planning may be the way to go.
3. Stop having intercourse for a defined and planned short period of time. This is not a permanent solution, and I only say it if you have a strong marriage as you could go down a rabbit hole here of not having sex and not wanting it and not having it and on and on, and then your marriage ends up a mess. But if you are both happy with doing other intimate acts for each other for a small break then go for it.
4. Prayer and fasting. Honestly, I should have put this at the top of the list, but I'm here now. I'm sure you've been praying, but have you been down on your knees, crying your eyes out, hysterical like Hannah crying? Read the stories of Hannah and Sarah in the bible, meditate on them, trust that YHWH has you in hand.

Giving YHWH control over your body is so so hard. It takes a huge amount of faith. I know, I've been there. You can do it.

A small story here. When Samuel and I first got married we prevented getting pregnant, and I knew that I only ovulated once every 3 months or so if I was lucky. We thought we would have a very difficult time getting pregnant. Well, I got pregnant with #1 super easy which was a surprise, but the bigger surprise was that when he was only 4 months old I got pregnant with twins. I miscarried the both of them, and I chose to use that situation to get closer to God and find out what He wanted us to do. And He answered. My children are His children. My body is His body. He wanted us to leave it all up to Him. So, we did.
After that Samuel only had to look at me and I was pregnant, like it was nearly impossible how easy it was. I found out recently that I actually ovulate 2-3 times every month. That's the blessing!

The fact that you want to give up so quickly makes me think that you haven't truly let go yet. Trust in Him, let go, find the blessing.
 
Praying for you. I've never been through this kind of heartache, and I'm so sorry you've had to go through it several times. It's made even more difficult when you feel like you're not being heard or understood by your husband. Any dark situation we go through is but a stepping stone to get closer to Him. The Word shows us many examples of times when people were wounded and felt alone, and even sometimes alone from God also, just cling to His promises. He is there and is intentionally growing us for His glory.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
That's not what you want. What you want, is to stop having miscarriages. If you knew that you would get pregnant and carry a child to term, then you wouldn't want your tubes tied, right? So maybe there's another way of stopping the miscarriages rather than drastic surgery.
Lets think about some options.
1. Talk to a doctor and a naturopath/herbalist. Find out if there's a reason why you keep miscarrying. Don't be afraid of trying some herbs, it's amazing what some of them can do.
2. Use prevention. I'm big on not using anything hormonal, that will only mess your body up more and you don't want that. But using a barrier method or natural family planning may be the way to go.
3. Stop having intercourse for a defined and planned short period of time. This is not a permanent solution, and I only say it if you have a strong marriage as you could go down a rabbit hole here of not having sex and not wanting it and not having it and on and on, and then your marriage ends up a mess. But if you are both happy with doing other intimate acts for each other for a small break then go for it.
4. Prayer and fasting. Honestly, I should have put this at the top of the list, but I'm here now. I'm sure you've been praying, but have you been down on your knees, crying your eyes out, hysterical like Hannah crying? Read the stories of Hannah and Sarah in the bible, meditate on them, trust that YHWH has you in hand.

Giving YHWH control over your body is so so hard. It takes a huge amount of faith. I know, I've been there. You can do it.

A small story here. When Samuel and I first got married we prevented getting pregnant, and I knew that I only ovulated once every 3 months or so if I was lucky. We thought we would have a very difficult time getting pregnant. Well, I got pregnant with #1 super easy which was a surprise, but the bigger surprise was that when he was only 4 months old I got pregnant with twins. I miscarried the both of them, and I chose to use that situation to get closer to God and find out what He wanted us to do. And He answered. My children are His children. My body is His body. He wanted us to leave it all up to Him. So, we did.
After that Samuel only had to look at me and I was pregnant, like it was nearly impossible how easy it was. I found out recently that I actually ovulate 2-3 times every month. That's the blessing!

The fact that you want to give up so quickly makes me think that you haven't truly let go yet. Trust in Him, let go, find the blessing.
Click to expand...

Thank you. I guess I am just trying to figure out if I really want to do a pregnancy at 37. I feel like that could be part of the issue is my age. I know I am just praying and weighing options and not sure if he would be willing to protected sex or something because we haven't really talked about that aspect of it. Thank you for your advice.
 
AlexaH said:
Ladies,

So I have suffered a few miscarriages in the short time that we have been together as a family. I am struggling because I don't feel like my husband is hearing me when I say that I don't want to keep doing this. He feels as though I am speaking solely from emotions. Which I can attest that I can do from time to time. However, I brought up that I am emotionally and physically tired of the toll it is taking on me. I know what I want to do is get my tubes tied and not have to deal with being upset each time. When I mentioned this he got defensive like I am not trusting God about a baby. I trust God 100 percent. I am trying to get him to understand where I am at with just being done. He made statement about if I was 80 and God wanted me to have a child he could make it happen. It feels as if he is trying to force me to have a baby which just makes me not want it that much more. I guess I just one needed to vent and two maybe get some feedback on how to better explain to my husband how I am feeling.
Click to expand...


Hey Alex, I'm new and this is my first comment, but I can relate to you so much with this so felt I had to reply.

I had miscarriages before having our daughter, and have had another since. in summer 2016 I said I was done. At least for now. I had a hard time recovering from the most recent one physically and the emotional toll from each of them was almost unbearable. My husband-to-be wanted to keep trying, saying when it was meant to happen it would. This was like being kicked while I was down to me - like the miscarriages were "meant" to happen and so shouldn't be so hard for me to deal with - which wasn't his meaning AT ALL, but in my emotionally and hormonally fragile state that's how I took it.

We agreed that we would see my doctor about it, and in the mean time we would stop "trying". We didn't take any precautions other than avoiding my supposedly most fertile days (these are not very reliable in my personal situation) but agreed that if medically advised to we would take further precautions while working on taking steps to have better chances of a healthy pregnancy.

This period of a few months of breathing space really gave me some time to begin to heal without being in the constant cycle of TTC...TWW...Positive test... waiting anxiously... miscarriage... wait a cycle... begin again, which was really wearing me down.

We were able to put things in place to better my chances of carrying a continuing pregnancy, but I still wasn't ready to actively TTC so we decided to see what happened. A few months later we conceived our daughter and she's now 2. Don't get me wrong I lived in fear of losing the baby until she was in my arms, and various pregnancy complications didn't help that fear, but I didn't lose the baby, and she is the best thing that could have possibly come out of such a painful time.

All of this to say, there are other ways to get the physical and emotional healing space that you need, while finding out if further miscarriages could be prevented with a little medical help, and without taking away something so precious that you may regret in years to come.

Please don't think I'm judging or saying this is the best option - I don't know you and would hate for you to think that I believe I know best. But I know that this helped US immeasurably and I wouldn't have my amazing little girl if it wasn't for taking that period of pause.

Feel free to message me if you want to discuss further.

A
 
FollowingHim2 said:
That's not what you want. What you want, is to stop having miscarriages. If you knew that you would get pregnant and carry a child to term, then you wouldn't want your tubes tied, right? So maybe there's another way of stopping the miscarriages rather than drastic surgery.
Lets think about some options.
1. Talk to a doctor and a naturopath/herbalist. Find out if there's a reason why you keep miscarrying. Don't be afraid of trying some herbs, it's amazing what some of them can do.
2. Use prevention. I'm big on not using anything hormonal, that will only mess your body up more and you don't want that. But using a barrier method or natural family planning may be the way to go.
3. Stop having intercourse for a defined and planned short period of time. This is not a permanent solution, and I only say it if you have a strong marriage as you could go down a rabbit hole here of not having sex and not wanting it and not having it and on and on, and then your marriage ends up a mess. But if you are both happy with doing other intimate acts for each other for a small break then go for it.
4. Prayer and fasting. Honestly, I should have put this at the top of the list, but I'm here now. I'm sure you've been praying, but have you been down on your knees, crying your eyes out, hysterical like Hannah crying? Read the stories of Hannah and Sarah in the bible, meditate on them, trust that YHWH has you in hand.

Giving YHWH control over your body is so so hard. It takes a huge amount of faith. I know, I've been there. You can do it.

A small story here. When Samuel and I first got married we prevented getting pregnant, and I knew that I only ovulated once every 3 months or so if I was lucky. We thought we would have a very difficult time getting pregnant. Well, I got pregnant with #1 super easy which was a surprise, but the bigger surprise was that when he was only 4 months old I got pregnant with twins. I miscarried the both of them, and I chose to use that situation to get closer to God and find out what He wanted us to do. And He answered. My children are His children. My body is His body. He wanted us to leave it all up to Him. So, we did.
After that Samuel only had to look at me and I was pregnant, like it was nearly impossible how easy it was. I found out recently that I actually ovulate 2-3 times every month. That's the blessing!

The fact that you want to give up so quickly makes me think that you haven't truly let go yet. Trust in Him, let go, find the blessing.
Click to expand...
I absolutely love this...
 
AlexaH said:
Thank you. I guess I am just trying to figure out if I really want to do a pregnancy at 37. I feel like that could be part of the issue is my age. I know I am just praying and weighing options and not sure if he would be willing to protected sex or something because we haven't really talked about that aspect of it. Thank you for your advice.
Click to expand...
I'm 37. It's not really that old ;). Now, granted, I have stopped having children now, but that's because that was YHWH's will, and I can guarantee you it's not because of my age.

If you haven't talked about protection at all, then that's a conversation you need to have. One of the things I suspected because of your previous post, was that you're not communicating great with hubby. If you just rushed him with telling him you were too emotionally drained to have kids and you wanted your tubes tied, that's not a great approach. Of course he would react badly to that.
What you want is your problem solved, and men are actually great at doing that, they WANT to do it! So ask him calmly if you can work together to come up with a solution and a plan for the short and long term to help you both get through this period and achieve what you want.
If you don't feel you can calmly have a conversation with him, then write him a letter or email. Let him read it in his own time, and then come to you and talk. That way you can communicate calmly and you know that he's heard all of your thoughts and fears.
And above all, trust him! He wants what is best for you, he loves you!
 
Alix93 said:
Hey Alex, I'm new and this is my first comment, but I can relate to you so much with this so felt I had to reply.

I had miscarriages before having our daughter, and have had another since. in summer 2016 I said I was done. At least for now. I had a hard time recovering from the most recent one physically and the emotional toll from each of them was almost unbearable. My husband-to-be wanted to keep trying, saying when it was meant to happen it would. This was like being kicked while I was down to me - like the miscarriages were "meant" to happen and so shouldn't be so hard for me to deal with - which wasn't his meaning AT ALL, but in my emotionally and hormonally fragile state that's how I took it.

We agreed that we would see my doctor about it, and in the mean time we would stop "trying". We didn't take any precautions other than avoiding my supposedly most fertile days (these are not very reliable in my personal situation) but agreed that if medically advised to we would take further precautions while working on taking steps to have better chances of a healthy pregnancy.

This period of a few months of breathing space really gave me some time to begin to heal without being in the constant cycle of TTC...TWW...Positive test... waiting anxiously... miscarriage... wait a cycle... begin again, which was really wearing me down.

We were able to put things in place to better my chances of carrying a continuing pregnancy, but I still wasn't ready to actively TTC so we decided to see what happened. A few months later we conceived our daughter and she's now 2. Don't get me wrong I lived in fear of losing the baby until she was in my arms, and various pregnancy complications didn't help that fear, but I didn't lose the baby, and she is the best thing that could have possibly come out of such a painful time.

All of this to say, there are other ways to get the physical and emotional healing space that you need, while finding out if further miscarriages could be prevented with a little medical help, and without taking away something so precious that you may regret in years to come.

Please don't think I'm judging or saying this is the best option - I don't know you and would hate for you to think that I believe I know best. But I know that this helped US immeasurably and I wouldn't have my amazing little girl if it wasn't for taking that period of pause.

Feel free to message me if you want to discuss further.

A
Click to expand...
Beautiful post Alix93, welcome to the forum!
 
I don't have time to rewrite my story, but if you want to read it I can link to it here.

I've been there too. Our baby after several losses is now two, and a total joy. I'm about ten years older then you, but not afraid of another pregnancy. It's been a journey, but I have learned to trust YHWH more deeply.....and my hubby too!

I pray you find peace in this matter.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
I'm 37. It's not really that old ;). Now, granted, I have stopped having children now, but that's because that was YHWH's will, and I can guarantee you it's not because of my age.

If you haven't talked about protection at all, then that's a conversation you need to have. One of the things I suspected because of your previous post, was that you're not communicating great with hubby. If you just rushed him with telling him you were too emotionally drained to have kids and you wanted your tubes tied, that's not a great approach. Of course he would react badly to that.
What you want is your problem solved, and men are actually great at doing that, they WANT to do it! So ask him calmly if you can work together to come up with a solution and a plan for the short and long term to help you both get through this period and achieve what you want.
If you don't feel you can calmly have a conversation with him, then write him a letter or email. Let him read it in his own time, and then come to you and talk. That way you can communicate calmly and you know that he's heard all of your thoughts and fears.
And above all, trust him! He wants what is best for you, he loves you!
Click to expand...

We talked vaguely about it. He doesn't like condoms and he has issues with staying up with them and they have never used birth control but he is adamant that he won't wear a condom and then anytime I bring up wearing one or going on the pill he acts like the world is going to stop. He says he doesn't want me making a decision based on emotions which I completely get. I just sometimes feel that if it wasn't what he wants to hear he stops listening and that is a source of frustration. I appreciate you sharing with me it helps.
 
Hello Alex,

I know how hard it can be, my husband and I tried for years for our first one. It’s hard toI leave it all up to GOD. But keep letting your husband know what your heart is wanting. I know I thought I was to old at 37, but I had our daughter in April 2019. My husband keeps saying we need one more, because 3 is an odd number and someone’s always the middle child. I thought I was done, but I guess we’ll see.
 
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