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Struggling with trust

B

Bella Richards

New Member
DH and I officially started on our journey for PM over 5 years ago. Before this, we would have discussions about different things we had found in the bible and PM was one of the things that had come up a few times during our discussions. I don't know that I've ever really disagreed with PM, but I have struggled with how my husband has approached things over the years. I guess it started off a bit innocuously, but with him searching desparately online even considering sending money to other women in different countries. My main concern at that time was simply of him being taken for everything we had, in some sort of scam.
He finally stopped searching along those avenues, but it seems that since then, he will start a relationship with any woman who doesn't run screaming in the other direction (yes, that is a bit of an exaggeration) at the mention of PM. This is a bit of concern of mine but what really hurts, is that he has had a "physical relationship", with every single one of them. I have tried to explain that this hurts me (he knows my views on this) multiple times and he had recently just out right stated that, he "doesn't believe the same way" I do and that if he let me decide whether or not he has "relations" with a woman to whom there is no commitment or even current plans of marriage, it's as good as letting me control his relationships.
I don't want to have control over my husband's relationship, I feel and have explained that all I'm looking for is his respect, by not having "relations" with a woman to whom he is not married. He's dated atleast 6 women that I can recall off the top of my head and even refuses to get tested, because he "hadn't had any symptoms".
The most recent relationship almost destroyed our marriage twice.
Predictably, after it came out that he'd had relations with this woman, they had no plans for any type of commitment at the time. I found out the day after. Of course, as usual, I got upset, I then told him I was disappointed in him. The next afternoon, before I even had the chance to tell him my water had broken earlier that morning, he tells me that he doesn't know if he wants to stay married anymore. I was so emotionally distraught, I had to let her be the one to tell him we needed to go to the hospital, because I wasn't progressing.
She was there for the delivery and he assisted but the entire time I was trying to relax through the contractions caused by the pitocin drip, I'm asking myself how he can even pretend he cares.
As soon as I came home from the hospital, he tells me or marriage is over and that I need to tell my mom because we can't afford to stay where we are and I'm not welcome at his parents house (that's where he was going to go).
I finally break down and tell my mother that my marriage of over 13 years is over and he gets upset because she starts talking about lawyers and filing for separation. He got most upset when she stated that he needs to make sure he takes nothing out of the house, because that can cause problems when the divorce proceedings are started. He stated that all he wanted was the TV, Playstation, surround sound system, games, movies, cigars, personal effects and the truck.
My mom once again stated that he needed to make sure he didn't take anything until everything was finalized, so he went and had the truck put in his parents names.
Things continued along these lines, until he found out that he wouldn't be able to start his business back up, if he was in the middle of a divorce. He then decided to temporarily postpone said divorce, until he was able to get his business back up and running.
After that, he decided that he didn't want a divorce after all.
The next time his current girlfriend visited, she was working on trying to get me to leave my husband. She outright told me that she wanted me to leave him, because she "wanted to know I left him of my own free will, not because he cast me to the side". She tried to convince me that he was involved in demonic dealings and that he was a danger to myself and our girls. She also shared "details" I didn't want to know, in an effort to let me know exactly how bad his disrespect was for me.
After she left, I confessed to my husband what had happened and apologized that I had even entertained the thought that she was speaking truthfully.
He was distraught over the fact that she hated him so badly, she would do that to him. I asked him to not speak with her anymore after he stated that he was breaking things off with her.
I found out a few days later that he was talking to her and he continued to do so until he left to go get his business back up and running.
After he returned home, I asked and he confirmed that she stayed with him while he was there and they spent almost the whole time together, including the morning of Valentine's Day.
Although he says it isn't true, I have come to accept that all others come before me, most likely, the only reason he hasn't left me, is it is simply more of an inconvenience to divorce me than to stay with me.
Current girlfriend is now in process of trying to get her own divorce officiated and they currently have plans to marry in September and are hoping to find someone to perform the ceremony for them.
 
Bella, the most important thing to realise (though you probably already do) and stress to your husband, is that what he is doing is NOT polygamy. Polygamy is by definition "multiple marriages".

Your husband is being promiscuous, plain and simple. And the Bible is very clear that promiscuity (lasciviousness or wantonness in the KJV) is a sin. Calling it "polygamy" is no excuse whatsoever.
Romans 13:13 said:
Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering [sex] and wantonness [promiscuity], not in strife and envying.
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How much better a description of his behaviour could you get?

In fact, Jude specifically warned that men would take the correct Biblical teachings on grace etc and use them as an excuse for exactly this behaviour.
Jude 1:4 said:
For there are certain men crept in unawares, who were before of old ordained to this condemnation, ungodly men, turning the grace of our God into lasciviousness, and denying the only Lord God, and our Lord Jesus Christ.
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And to be honest I can understand this. When you've been told all your life "you can only ever have one woman", then suddenly you realise that's a lie and you can have more, that can certainly get a man excited. It is a perfect opportunity for Satan to tempt him with impure thoughts, and I expect most of the men here have been tempted to think this way, Satan attacks wherever he sees a potential weak spot. The key is to not listen to him, and not give in to that temptation. Or, having given in, to repent of it and turn back to right behaviour.

Your husband has given in to this temptation. It is to be expected that some men will, since Satan will be working very hard to ensure that Godly teachings on marriage are distorted and given a bad reputation through the actions of any men he can tempt through them. Still, being tempted is no excuse for actually giving in to that temptation. He now has to repent of it, and change his ways (Ephesians 4:17-24).

And we all know the result of giving in to it and failing to repent, again scripture is very clear.
Mark 7:20-23 said:
And he said, That which cometh out of the man, that defileth the man. For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts, adulteries, fornications, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, an evil eye, blasphemy, pride, foolishness: All these evil things come from within, and defile the man.
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Galatians 5:19 said:
Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness ... they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.
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To put it even more simply, he's just behaving as a secular man, not as a Godly man (1 Peter 4:3).

My point in all these references is very simple - to reassure you that his actions (as described from your perspective - I'm always aware that we're only hearing one side of the story, but this is rather extreme) are very clearly unscriptural, and to give you the references to prove it to him if he is open to such a discussion. They are not polygamy. There is no justification for them. They are clearly condemned in no uncertain language, at least in the Greek - although it may not be clear in English since most Bibles use rather vague and/or archaic terminology on this as euphemisms rather than just telling it like it is. See here for the actual Greek word describing his behaviour, and all passages it appears in.
https://www.blueletterbible.org/lang/le ... G766&t=KJV

And that's just the promiscuity. If his latest girlfriend is still married, he's also committing adultery, which is obviously even more clearly sinful.

It is a great shame that men choose to take the wonderful, loving, gracious teachings of YHWH and use them as an excuse to do the exact opposite. But it is not surprising either, as it's been happening throughout history.

I fully agree with Zec that you should get to know the other women here, for more personal support.
 
I'm am almost ashamed to admit, I no longer hold any hope of him changing his ways. He has outright, blatantly said that he's going to do as he pleases and whom he has relations with is the business of none, except himself and who he's with at the time. Girlfriend says she is ok with him having relations the other women, she just didn't want him seeking out another wife. I simply don't understand this logic, but it sends the 2 of them were made for each other in this respect.
As I stated in my other post, I am turning to prayer and fasting, as it really helped me when I thought I was going to have to start all over and make it on my own, with no support from him.
A great part of me wishes I could separate myself from him emotionally, I suppose I will need to pray on that as well.
 
Bella, I well remember your situation from the last time you were here. I am amazed your family has stayed together so long, and that is a testament to your dedication to your husband.

Last time, we were encouraging you on how to make this work, and try to encourage your husband to change. You've been trying that, very hard I am sure, for three years. Nothing has changed, if anything he seems to be getting worse. He keeps saying the right things, but not following through in the long run.

I expect that you are only still together because of many daily sacrifices you make to accommodate his actions. This has been the right thing to do, don't get me wrong, I'm really impressed. You are doing the best you can to save your marriage - but in so doing you are enabling him, because he knows that whatever he does, you're still there and you'll always make it work. He can treat you like a doormat and you'll try to be a better doormat in the hope that he'll see you for more than a doormat. He can therefore go and do whatever he likes.

He's just going to muddle along like this forever. It would take a major shock to get him to change.

What if you just stopped? Stopped all the little things you do to accommodate his sin. Don't try to hold the family together yourself, leave that up to him.

No doubt things would go downhill very rapidly. He could be forced into actually making a decision, either
- Fix his life and marriage, or
- Divorce you

It may be that either of those would be a better option than the uncertain middle ground you currently find yourself in.

I see no scriptural justification for divorce here, you have done nothing deserving it. And I am not encouraging you to divorce him, your job is to do what you can to make your marriage work, as you have been doing. But there's only so much you can do. Your husband is acting as an unbeliever. If an unbeliever wishes to depart, we are to let them and are not bound in those circumstances, we don't have to keep trying to preserve a marriage for ever. If he was to divorce you he would be sinning, as there is no justification for it - but it would be he who was sinning, not you. He's sinning in so many areas already. He can choose to turn away from God and ruin his life through sin, but you don't have to feel bound to be dragged down through it. So I am not suggesting that you divorce him - but rather that you prayerfully consider whether you have reached the end of your obligations to try and fix this marriage yourself, and need to let it go to the conclusion that he chooses to take it to himself.

Hopefully others will weigh in with more wisdom on this over the weekend.
 
I can't tell you how many people have told me, "maybe you're not cut out for this lifestyle".
Maybe I'm not, because I'd envisioned that there would be some measure of respect between all parties involved.
Maybe I'm unfairly stuck on that unrealistic ideal and maybe I just need to get over myself.
I doubt myself, all the time. I can't trust my judgment, because I'm stuck between, is what I'm feeling real or is it just Satan trying to play tricks with my mind.
Maybe I really am not cut out for this, because I don't know if I can take much more.
There are days I wonder, why won't he just free me? If he's so eager to replace me, why won't he just let me go?
 
Poly_submit said:
I can't tell you how many people have told me, "maybe you're not cut out for this lifestyle".
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I haven't met you, but from what I've read I think you're perfectly cut out for polygyny. The problem is that you are not currently in biblical polygyny, nor have you been for as long as your husband has been pursuing a second wife.
 
Yeah, you're cut out for it, he isn't. That's neither your fault, nor polygamys fault. He is practicing a very unbiblical form of polyamory. As they said, not the same thing.
 
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