• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

Scared, have questions

redfox

redfox

Member
My husband has been studying about polygyny for a while now, and while I can understand how it can be interpreted as being acceptable in the Bible, I'm not sure it's really something that I want anything to do with.

Earlier this year, my husband and I were having some troubles, and he slept with another woman. He said he felt that God was calling him to have a relationship with this woman, and I found out about it a few months later. Since then, he has been trying to convince me that this is God's will, and that we should be a polygynyst family.

He says he still loves me, and we have since worked out many of the issues we were having back then, but he still wants her around and still wants this relationship with her. I feel no call whatsoever towards it, and the thought of him being with another woman makes me feel quite ill. I've never gotten along well with other women in general, especially ones that I feel are a threat of some sort.

I am trying to read and understand as much as I can about this. I want to follow my husband, and show him that I trust him. He says he hasn't made a final decision on what to do, but I think in many ways he has. She is often around, and has helped the family in various ways. Our children like her too.

I really don't know what to do. He says if I can find any reason why this could be wrong, to tell him. But everything I try to say, he comes up with reasons why I'm wrong. He seems very convinced that what he's doing is right, and while he's usually right on big issues, I just can't see it here. I don't know that I can follow him on this one, but I don't think I can leave him, either.

I am miserable most days, and while some days he says he understands, other days he gets upset with me.

What can I do? What should I do? Please help me. I'm terrified of what will happen, and that I won't be able to handle it. I fairly sure that he's ceased a sexual relationship with her, for now, but I know that he wants to resume that. I don't like it at all, but since I know I'm probably wrong, I don't know what to do.
 
Hello, Scared,
Courageous woman, stand firm in your God like never before. He loves you and your husband still. He wants to speak to your fears, and raise you above them as only He can. I have had my own share of insecurities over the years, just over my husband's natural state of being human, as well as my own state of being human. None of us in ourselves has the power to hold a marriage together, only God does. It was worth waiting through a few hiccups in the road.

I have found that the more I've thrown myself upon a loving and merciful Jesus, the more confident in Him I've become, regardless of my or my husband's performance, sensitivity, or place on the continuum between my perceptions of folly and wisdom. "'Can a woman forget her nursing child, and have no compassion on the son of her womb? Even these may forget, but I will not forget you. Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands; your walls are continually before Me.'" God says this in Isaiah 49:15, 16. He also reminds us, "'For the mountains may be removed and the hills may shake, but My lovingkindness will not be removed from you, and My covenant of peace will not be shaken,' says the Lord who has compassion on you." Isaiah 54:10 Let your heart pour out before the Lord, who hears you and understands. Let Him fill you with the strength of being completely loved. Then you can wait to see how He will lead your husband. Pray for this woman. God may remove her from your lives; she may end up your best friend. God can do huge miracles while you watch Him and wait.

It's good that you have trouble with the idea of leaving. That says that you have the strong foundation of commitment, faith, and love. You see your children need a father. You value what you've built together, though a few places need repair. Do you have a daily time reading good portions sequentially through the Bible, Scared wife? If you don't, this is your time to begin. Several women of the bible were handed difficult situations brought on by human husbands, often the very pillars of the patriarchal nation of Israel. Abram had a few momentary lapses in faith, for example. Yet Sarah is our example in I Peter 3:1-6. She obeyed Abram without being frightened by any fear. God protected her even when Abram did not, and He made sure she left Egypt with great earthly riches after the pharoah fiasco :). Your husband may well become a great man of the faith, too. Obviously, he needs to hear the Lord regarding marital repairs, wise choices for his family (harmony being an important goal for everyone, purity in the marriage bed, and wisdom in choosing a wife who will follow him as he follows God). If you make a big stink about these things, he may end up doing the right thing for the wrong reasons: resentment, handing spiritual leadership over to you, or getting caught. If you pray supportively and stand firm in your faith in God's ability to speak to him, your husband will not have a fight with two people (God and you), only God. When God speaks clearly to a man, he can hear better without that distraction. Wait upon your God. Build up your husband. Forgive and see what the Lord will do. Love, Deanne
 
Thank you for your encouragement.

My husband usually hears better from God than I do. He has always been able to know what to do, and is usually right. Not always, but mostly.

I do not often have time to read as much as I'd like in the bible. When I am able, I try to do some daily devotions, but they are frequently interrupted by the children. My pastor was gracious enough to calm my irrational need to "finish" things by telling me it's alright if I start and get interrupted, just the act of trying to do the readings is a start.

Whether my husband went about things the right way this time, I don't know. He may be going in the right direction but taking the wrong path, or he might be going the wrong direction altoghether. As my pastor said recently, sometimes it's better to pick a direction even if it's the wrong one, at least you're moving.

I am trying very hard to listen to him and trust him, something that is very difficult for me to do personally. My faith has been strongly shaken through all of this, and the feelings of abandonment are stronger some days than others.

I am really just looking for direction. I have no one I can talk to about this, except my husband, and I am hoping for some guidance.

Thank you :)
 
Hello there, Deanne called you courageous and I agree.
There are not many women in your position that would even consider it possible that their husband could be right.

While it might not be appreciated right now, we have God's will in a similar situation expressed in the old testament. (Deut 22:28-29)

Something I would like to point out about Sarah is that since her story is found in Genesis she did not have the Bible to read, and I am pretty sure she didn't have a pastor either, which might have made it easier for her to just do what God made her to do. I find it helpful to keep in mind that I was made to be a helper to my husband in the same way, and the peace that goes with being within His will is a great reward.
It is easy for me to agree with the 'head of the house' when he does things as I think he should, but to honor him and respect him when he sees things differently? To me that is the real test, and the one facing you.
He may not have gone about it all in an ideal manner, but it is God's place to teach him.
People may criticize you for standing by your man, but I find nothing in the Bible that even hints that God would. And He is the one that really matters.
May God bless you with wisdom and bring you to the peace you seek. Jolene
 
While it might not be appreciated right now, we have God's will in a similar situation expressed in the old testament.
Click to expand...

Unfortunately, the woman is not a virgin, making things even more difficult for me. I know some of the men she's been with, and none of them were monogamous at any given time with her either. I have not quite had the courage to ask if she's been tested for anything, because part of me doesn't want to know. I've been having some issues though, so I will probably go get some tests done myself, soon.

I do realize that my husband could be right, and he usually is. I just fear that his judgement is clouded in this situation, because there are a lot more emotions at stake than usual.
 
Were you and your husband virgins when you married?

If not then this other womans virginity or lack thereof shouldn't really be counted as a mark against her. When you consider the times we live in it is easy to make mistakes, especially when we are young. The fact that she is not a virgin doesn't make her automatically irresponsible with her own health either.

Your husband started this the wrong way round which is unfortunate because he hasn't given you the chance to get to know this lady without developing prejudice. Would it be possible for you to spend some time together, just you and her? Perhaps you could take a shopping trip together and have lunch. Try to set aside any preconceived ideas you may have about her and find out what she is really like.

If she accepts plural marriage and is willing to share a man she loves and a family this already reveals some positive things about her character. You might like her if you get to know her better.
 
If she accepts plural marriage and is willing to share a man she loves and a family this already reveals some positive things about her character. You might like her if you get to know her better.
Click to expand...

She's willing to do just about anything, whatever it is.

My husband and I were virgins when we met eachother, and remained that way until we were married.
 
Dear Scared
I have read the posts that have been written and my wife and i are kind of in the same boat you are I have met a woman and would have never thought about polygamy but as I started doing studies i will tell you this that I can not find were polygamy is called a sin by God but he address every other sexual sin and calls it that. now with that said if I understood you your husband had sexual relation with this other woman and if that is the case this is sin just like David was called on it when he did it but was not called on his polygamy and i think that he had 7 wifes.

my wife and I are going thought the ups and downs emotionally while considering polygamy as a life with a wonderful woman but I have not had sexual relation with her but we do go on dates and do what normal godly people do on dates but my wife love the idea and at time jealousy pops out its ugly head and we have to talk and some time i think that it is that she wants to feel like she is still loved and not the old model, we all want that.

now if you think that emotionally this will be easy it does not sound like it will be, but as you read some of the post that other people put out then you will not feel so alone and as far as your husband sleeping with this woman tell him to STOP. it is ungodly till he is married. that is God's will that if you are going to have sexual relations with someone you have to wait till marrage even if it will be your second wife

i do think you should go out and talk with her because either way she will see how wonderful you are and love to be part of your family or see how great you are and not get involved with your husband because she does not want to hurt you if she is not committed to a family life. call sin, sin but know that as i have studied no were does God call Polygamy Sin but also you do not have to enter that life either but still talk to her and talk to him because it has been my experience that the more open you are with communication all party's will be the better for it in the long run (pray always and stay plugged in to Biblical families.org to learn more about polygamy and enter this covenant marriage only when you think you should (this does not mean when you feel there will be no troubles but when you are sure this is not sin,and there is a lot of info on this site )

read your Bible, Pray always, and don't give up on your husband and if he sins call it that and tell him that if he does it again you will go to the leadership of the church, not about polygamy but for fornication and adultery. and yes I would have both of them get tested for STDs but do the asking in a loving way and with all 3 of you at the table

I hope i have been a help your Brother in Christ
Bud
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top