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Question regarding open marriage

M

Mike1570

New Member
Male
I just joined this site and have a question. I met someone that is in an open marriage. Her husband encouraged her to seek another.
We connected on many levels. And we would like to enter a permanent relationship. I would love to hear your thoughts on finding a woman who has another husband.
 
Hey Mike, I'm afraid that you might not like some of the feedback you get here.
Open marriages fly in the face of everything we believe about marriage. So much so in fact that most here wouldn't even consider this a valid marriage. There are two avenues you have to look at this from, the spiritual and practical.
The spiritual is very simple, God would view this relationship as sinful. If you're interested in the bible verses that say so we will provide them to you.
From the practical standpoint this would be a very destructive relationship for both of you. Her "husband" is encouraging her in it so it sounds like this lifestyle might not be organic to her. Also it sounds like her first loyalty is to him and he will.be her priority. You will always be second best, or you will supplant him and be the cause of the end of the relationship. Either way this will only end in tears and heartache and you should most definitely avoid it.
 
Let me be a second witness to what Zec said above. This forum is about "Biblical Families". While that is not limited in scope to Biblical Polygyny, as it includes people who are monogamous, and even as yet single, it does not include structures which are outside the limitations the Bible places on human sexuality and relationships.

Sleeping with another man's wife, practically or as a discussion topic, is not a welcome topic here.

If you call yourself a Believer, I would strongly encourage you to seek the counsel of Godly men regarding repentance.
 
Having a sexual relationship with another mans wife is evil, and destructive.

Deuteronomy 22:22
If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel.

Proverbs 6:32
But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul.

I know this is very blunt but scripture is clear on this subject.

Also the fact that her husband encouraged her to pursue this is disturbing.
 
Pacman said:
Also the fact that her husband encouraged her to pursue this is disturbing.
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But did he? Are you really sure that that's even the case, or is she making it up to make you feel better about being with a married woman? It's a very rare man that is actually OK with his wife being with another man.

Bible says it's sinful, it's the very definition of adultery and God doesn't take that lightly. Practically, like Zec said above, it sounds like it will end up a mess.
I'd run for the hills if I was you.
There are plenty of single women around that need a decent guy, so make sure you're that guy and grab one of them.

On another note, welcome to the forum, thanks for signing up, and I'm glad you asked the question here :).
 
@Mike1570 , good on you actually asking the question. Most men wouldn't ask for advice...

I want to make it clear that everyone isn't just saying women can have only one man, but men can have as many women as they want, and that's just because God is unfair. It's nothing like that at all. There's a pattern and an order to marriage and to the Church, and this is important to understand. Everything falls into place once you see the pattern.

God's system is a hierarchy. In marriage, Christ is the head of the man, and the man is the head of the woman (1 Cor 11:3). He is her head not to oppress her, but in a position of loving leadership where someone has the final say in matters - a democracy of two people would have too many unresolved arguments unless one had the authority to make a decision even when no agreement can be reached.

You cannot serve two masters (Luke 16:13). A general can have multiple soldiers under him, but each soldier only serves one general. For a soldier to go from his general and serve another would be treason.

In the same way, each woman can only have one husband. When a married woman sleeps with a man who is not her husband, this is "adultery" - one of the most serious sins in scripture, even written in the 10 Commandments. Check any concordance and you'll find that "adultery" is specifically when a married woman sleeps with a man other than her husband.

Adultery parallels idol worship. In the same way, we have only one God. If we turn from him, and worship another god instead, this is "idolatry". That too is a very serious sin.

Marriage parallels our relationship with God (in which multiple Christians serve only one God). Marriage is an illustration God has given us to help us understand a far deeper truth - how He wants to relate to us. This is why a man can have either one wife, or more than one wife, but a woman can have only one husband (and can only sleep with him, "open marriages" are forbidden as adultery).

If you want to understand God's system for marriage better, and why some things are allowable and others forbidden, I would encourage you to read the short article "Marriage: from the Bible alone", available in the resources section on the website front page (or just click the link). There's a good reason for everything, and God has given us a few simple rules because He loves us and wants what is best for us.

Run from this situation, Satan is tempting you into grave sin that would ruin your life. But use it as an opportunity to learn what God would have you do instead. He will have an awesome plan for your life, you just have to ask Him to reveal it to you.
 
@FollowingHim: Well said. The more I study this topic, the more I come to understand that there is a pattern, not just to justify a specific pattern of marriage, but even more so that marriage would exemplify a heavenly pattern that teaches about the nature of the relationship God has with His people.

God can have many Christians/Messianics/Believers... however, His people can only have Him. Him and no other.
 
Hi, @Mike1570, and welcome to Biblical Families. I agree with the advice above, and yet as a guy who was raised without hearing a lot of "the Bible says..," I like to be able to supply a line of reasoning from another angle.

I think a lot of people sense that something is messed up about monogamist culture and so they want to explore dropping its boundaries. But at the same time, because we have equality drummed into us as the cardinal virtue, people end up saying, "Well, if a man can have this other thing, we can't really say a woman can't." In fact we're so committed to this idea, women will defend it by pursuing relationships with a variety of men — friendships, close working relationships, all kinds of unsupervised interactions with all kinds of men — all, I would say, in the name of making the point that women are just like men.

But they're not.

Nor are men like just women. In the name of these egalitarian ideals we go along with being placed alongside women in all our activities, and the culture causes us to never question these arrangements, and to even think we like it. And we assume that the resulting problems — from simple awkwardness, to deep and intractable social and economic conflict, to rape and worse — are just normal, the way things have to be.

None of us are really made happier by behaving in a way that isn't aligned with the way our bodies and minds are built to function. No matter whether you view that design as a matter of God's intent or something that's resulted from changes over time, life goes better if you work with the pattern rather than against it..

Getting involved with another man's woman doesn't work with how humans are designed. In the short run it may appear to work, but in the long run — nope.

The Bible says not to desire ("covet") anything that belongs to another man — including his women. Again, whether or not you take that as instruction coming literally from God, it captures something that people for thousands of years found to be sound guidance.

The woman of that other man may be saying it's all right for you to be with her, but it's a man's job to understand boundaries and live by them. If you hold the line and steer clear of her, then whether or not you already have a woman of your own, I wouldn't be surprised if the universe rewards you by opening the possibility of another just for you, and in a way that's better than you could have anticipated had things gone the other way.

I feel a little bad that all the advice here has to be so negative. There are plenty of fish in the sea, however, and I look forward to any of the various positive discussions that might come up in connection with one — or more! — of them in your life.
 
On that note, it's worth recognising that historically across the world, the majority of cultures have been polygynous (allow men to have one or more women), the rest have been monogamous, and virtually none have been polyandrous (one woman, multiple men). The very very few exceptions where a culture allows one woman to have multiple men can be counted on the fingers of one hand, and almost always result from female infanticide causing a reduction in the number of women available, meaning men were forced to share and did so as a last resort only (see Inuit, Chinese and Indian history).

Point being, as Mystic said - this isn't how men and women are naturally wired. Naturally, men want to have their own women (either one or several). While women naturally want the security and simplicity of having only one man. That's how the human mind functions. It is only in the most desperate of circumstances when people resort to something else that is far inferior.

I am sure you have some natural objection to the idea of sharing a woman, and that's one reason you posted here in the first place. Listen to that natural objection. There are deep reasons behind it, not only religious ones but practical and timeless reasons recognised by people in all ages and cultures.
 
FollowingHim2 said:
But did he? Are you really sure that that's even the case, or is she making it up to make you feel better about being with a married woman? It's a very rare man that is actually OK with his wife being with another man.
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We find it hard to fathom, but I have a cousin who's hubby got them into swinging.....and a sis in law who's hubby got them into swinging. My cousin decided she liked it and left her hubby when he tried to stop, my sis in law hated it and left her hubby to avoid those activities.

It is foolish for a man to undermine his own relationship with his wife, but obviously some do.

I would say respecting another man's relationship and family is wise indeed.....even if he is a fool that destroys it himself. Reaping what you sow is a universal law. Some call it karma.

Like Followinghim pointed out....the laws of God are for the good of the people.
I hope you choose the path that is life, and enjoy the blessings that go with that choice.
 
Joleneakamama said:
We find it hard to fathom, but I have a cousin who's hubby got them into swinging.....and a sis in law who's hubby got them into swinging. My cousin decided she liked it and left her hubby when he tried to stop, my sis in law hated it and left her hubby to avoid those activities.

It is foolish for a man to undermine his own relationship with his wife, but obviously some do.

I would say respecting another man's relationship and family is wise indeed.....even if he is a fool that destroys it himself. Reaping what you sow is a universal law. Some call it karma.

Like Followinghim pointed out....the laws of God are for the good of the people.
I hope you choose the path that is life, and enjoy the blessings that go with that choice.
Click to expand...
 
@Mike1570 I'm glad somehow you found your way to the BF forum and family here, and then had the courage to ask one of the most important questions facing you at this time. There is safety in the multitude of couselors. Provers 11:14 "Where no counsel is, the people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety."

I would heartily encourage you to own your God-given status in life as a man and to stand for truth in the face of the moral and emotional dilemma that seems to have drawn its tenacles around you. You do not state anything regarding your relationship as man-to-man/brother-to-brother with this married woman's husband. If you can step away from the storm that's brewing, you stand a chance of bringing truth and light to this other man. He should then be the one to explain truth to his wife. Any further personal communication with this man's wife only tightens the noose around your neck and increases the chances that your human desires as a man will suck all of you into the quicksand on which you're currently standing. A written communication to her would allow you to think through, write, edit, and finalize your thoughts from a safe distance explaining why you cannot sin against your Lord and against your neighbor--her husband.
Galatians 5:14 "For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."

Romans 13:9 "For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet; and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."

Your comments seem to indicate that you have feelings for this married woman. Set the romance aside and see her as your sister. By removing yourself from this woman's beckoning hand, you demonstrate a mature Godly love for her as a sister, encouraging her back under the covering of her covenanted head and giving her the freedom to choose alignment with God's design for blessing. This sort of selfless decision actually indicates that you want the best for both this other man and his wife. Your actions show that God's way is more important to you than marching to this other man's alleged drumbeat or succumbing to this married woman's pleasure in sin for a season. In so doing, you will align with your head, the Lord Jesus Christ, and position yourself for favor and healing to flow into your life as @mystic mentioned.

Welcome to this body of truth seekers. The men will walk with you if you'll let them.
 
@Mike1570 , it sounds like you are in a very difficult and emotional situation. If you would like to talk to anyone here privately, use the 'conversations' tool: go to your username top right and select 'conversations' in the dropdown menu. I have approved you to send messages to anyone, and many of the men here would be glad to speak to you using video chat software also. If you tell us roughly where you are in the world, it may even be that there is someone nearby who could meet with you in person. You're making the right decision, but that doesn't mean it will be easy.

God bless.
 
Thumbs up to all the advice here. A few practical notes to add. But first let me say, whether or not something is practical, nice or culturally acceptable doesn't determine its sinfulness. Only the scriptures do. Even when we don't understand why the scriptures so teach, we should accept them. Understanding comes with maturity and obedience. So ya, don't do it, run away.

In the vast majority of cases this situation ends only one of two ways: she leaves you or she leaves him. The first makes your effort pointless and the second compounds the sin. This is as predictable as the day is long; so much so the men of the world have spotted it out; in testimony to the truth of polygyny being written in our biology. There are a few rare cases when that doesn't happen, usually one or the other of the men is little more than an orbiter and walking wallet who is drip fed sex if even that; which really isn't much different than the usual result.

Two other theological point's about justifications commonly used to excuse this situation. Some men who allow their wife to swing think it isn't sinful because they approve. It's not, it's still sin. You see the proof of this in 1 Cor 7; even if you divorce your wife (officially and permanently saying she can seek others), it's still sin for her. Exclusive marriage is for life. Other men think that the sin is only on the women, that since you are not party to the marriage vows the guilt is only on her. This also is not true. Both Christ and the OT make it clear that the 3rd party bears the same guilt; as also western law reflects whenever it outlaws adultery.
 
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