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Polygamy is hurtful to women!!

S

Shadowjak's Dancer

Seasoned Member
Real Person
Male
I know a number of people who believe that polygyny is hurtful to women. They've looked into a number of testimonies from people coming out of it. I imagine there are a number of former FLDS accounts in there... don't get me started on that lot.

Well, what about it? Are there any women here who think it's pretty great? Any lives been blessed? Anyone willing to say that it is hard but worth it?

Looking for mostly women to comment who are in such a marriage, or have been and can speak from experience.
 
jacobhaivri said:
Well, what about it? Are there any women here who think it's pretty great? Any lives been blessed? Anyone willing to say that it is hard but worth it?
Click to expand...
I'd have to say all the above! I DO think this life is great, my husband and sister wife have blessed me so incredibly, and YES IT'S HARD... some situations more so than others...BUT OH SO WORTH IT!

I feel more loved, cherished and esteemed in this relationship where I share my husband with his other wife than I was in any monogamous relationship I've ever been in.

He reminds me often that second in number does not mean second in importance.
 
jacobhaivri said:
Well, what about it? Are there any women here who think it's pretty great? Any lives been blessed? Anyone willing to say that it is hard but worth it?
Click to expand...

I wasn’t going to post. And then @Isaac told me I should—regardless of what my feelings are. ;)

I don’t think poly is great. I will admit that it’s gotten “easier” over time. @Isaac and @Sparkles have been married for almost two years and I think time has helped.

Has my life been blessed? Well, that’s a difficult one. Because, while I do love my SW, and I’m glad to say we have a pretty great relationship—I’d be okay with her also just being a friend. Although, the husband says our relationship just wouldn’t be as great if that were the case.
So, I can’t say my life has been blessed, per se. I know @Sparkles ’ and @Isaac ’s has in having each other—and that should be enough for me. :)

Difficult but worth it? It’s definitely difficult sometimes. In those times is it worth it? Where I’m at now? I’d have to say “no”. I’m eager for the day when I feel it is. Just not there yet.

In the interest of full disclosure, my situation is probably the ideal. I’ve said before on here that I didn’t want poly. Not even a little bit. The night that the SW decided she was joining the husband’s family, I was such a wreck that I got sick... I felt my life must be over. Things HAVE gotten better. Time is really the biggest cure.

But, I have an amazing SW. She’s the kind all ladies would be blessed to have (even if her youth and beauty are intimidating :)). I can honestly say we’ve never had a fight and she’s cried WITH me when I’ve been hurting.

And the husband never plays favorites. He’s never given me a reason to feel less loved or cared for. Even the “new relationship energy” isn’t as daunting as I thought—most of the time. ;)

My issues are mine. I have always had issues with feeling all kinds of awful about myself. So, of COURSE, the fact that the husband wanted another woman just solidified how awful/ugly/horrible I am and how wonderful/beautiful/perfect she is.

So, I’m being fair in saying that my reasons for not liking poly are due to issues that I have to work out. Because, all of these things live in my head and my heart. They’re things that I have to fix.

@Isaac tells me they may never have come to the surface if not for poly. That it’s possible I would never have NEEDED to confront these issues. So, even I will admit that God is using this to make me better. Does it hurt? Absolutely it does. Maybe it’s supposed to?

I’m hopeful that in a few years’ time, my answers on here will be different. :)
 
Sonshine said:
I wasn’t going to post. And then @Isaac told me I should—regardless of what my feelings are. ;)

I don’t think poly is great. I will admit that it’s gotten “easier” over time. @Isaac and @Sparkles have been married for almost two years and I think time has helped.

Has my life been blessed? Well, that’s a difficult one. Because, while I do love my SW, and I’m glad to say we have a pretty great relationship—I’d be okay with her also just being a friend. Although, the husband says our relationship just wouldn’t be as great if that were the case.
So, I can’t say my life has been blessed, per se. I know @Sparkles ’ and @Isaac ’s has in having each other—and that should be enough for me. :)

Difficult but worth it? It’s definitely difficult sometimes. In those times is it worth it? Where I’m at now? I’d have to say “no”. I’m eager for the day when I feel it is. Just not there yet.

In the interest of full disclosure, my situation is probably the ideal. I’ve said before on here that I didn’t want poly. Not even a little bit. The night that the SW decided she was joining the husband’s family, I was such a wreck that I got sick... I felt my life must be over. Things HAVE gotten better. Time is really the biggest cure.

But, I have an amazing SW. She’s the kind all ladies would be blessed to have (even if her youth and beauty are intimidating :)). I can honestly say we’ve never had a fight and she’s cried WITH me when I’ve been hurting.

And the husband never plays favorites. He’s never given me a reason to feel less loved or cared for. Even the “new relationship energy” isn’t as daunting as I thought—most of the time. ;)

My issues are mine. I have always had issues with feeling all kinds of awful about myself. So, of COURSE, the fact that the husband wanted another woman just solidified how awful/ugly/horrible I am and how wonderful/beautiful/perfect she is.

So, I’m being fair in saying that my reasons for not liking poly are due to issues that I have to work out. Because, all of these things live in my head and my heart. They’re things that I have to fix.

@Isaac tells me they may never have come to the surface if not for poly. That it’s possible I would never have NEEDED to confront these issues. So, even I will admit that God is using this to make me better. Does it hurt? Absolutely it does. Maybe it’s supposed to?

I’m hopeful that in a few years’ time, my answers on here will be different. :)
Click to expand...
And this total honesty and candor shows exactly the kind of wonderful gem you are! Reading your post touched my heart...made me smile and cry. :-)
No one is perfect, but you are perfectly wonderful!
I'd say you're on the right track to peace and happiness.....but life is a journey.
 
Joleneakamama said:
And this total honesty and candor shows exactly the kind of wonderful gem you are! Reading your post touched my heart...made me smile and cry. :)
No one is perfect, but you are perfectly wonderful!
I'd say you're on the right track to peace and happiness.....but life is a journey.
Click to expand...

Thank you, Jolene! :)
 
Sonshine said:
I wasn’t going to post. And then @Isaac told me I should—regardless of what my feelings are. ;)

I don’t think poly is great. I will admit that it’s gotten “easier” over time. @Isaac and @Sparkles have been married for almost two years and I think time has helped.

Has my life been blessed? Well, that’s a difficult one. Because, while I do love my SW, and I’m glad to say we have a pretty great relationship—I’d be okay with her also just being a friend. Although, the husband says our relationship just wouldn’t be as great if that were the case.
So, I can’t say my life has been blessed, per se. I know @Sparkles ’ and @Isaac ’s has in having each other—and that should be enough for me. :)

Difficult but worth it? It’s definitely difficult sometimes. In those times is it worth it? Where I’m at now? I’d have to say “no”. I’m eager for the day when I feel it is. Just not there yet.

In the interest of full disclosure, my situation is probably the ideal. I’ve said before on here that I didn’t want poly. Not even a little bit. The night that the SW decided she was joining the husband’s family, I was such a wreck that I got sick... I felt my life must be over. Things HAVE gotten better. Time is really the biggest cure.

But, I have an amazing SW. She’s the kind all ladies would be blessed to have (even if her youth and beauty are intimidating :)). I can honestly say we’ve never had a fight and she’s cried WITH me when I’ve been hurting.

And the husband never plays favorites. He’s never given me a reason to feel less loved or cared for. Even the “new relationship energy” isn’t as daunting as I thought—most of the time. ;)

My issues are mine. I have always had issues with feeling all kinds of awful about myself. So, of COURSE, the fact that the husband wanted another woman just solidified how awful/ugly/horrible I am and how wonderful/beautiful/perfect she is.

So, I’m being fair in saying that my reasons for not liking poly are due to issues that I have to work out. Because, all of these things live in my head and my heart. They’re things that I have to fix.

@Isaac tells me they may never have come to the surface if not for poly. That it’s possible I would never have NEEDED to confront these issues. So, even I will admit that God is using this to make me better. Does it hurt? Absolutely it does. Maybe it’s supposed to?

I’m hopeful that in a few years’ time, my answers on here will be different. :)
Click to expand...
Thank you for being so candid. I am not in a marriage so i cant say how i would respond.... you can never say until you are in the situation. I will lift you in prayer. You are blessed to have a husband who is clear about his love for both of you. You are blessed to have a sister wo cares and can empathise with you. And I truly admire your strength to keep working through this. Thank you for being an example of honesty.

Blessings and Shalom
 
Sonshine said:
I wasn’t going to post. And then @Isaac told me I should—regardless of what my feelings are. ;)

I don’t think poly is great. I will admit that it’s gotten “easier” over time. @Isaac and @Sparkles have been married for almost two years and I think time has helped.

Has my life been blessed? Well, that’s a difficult one. Because, while I do love my SW, and I’m glad to say we have a pretty great relationship—I’d be okay with her also just being a friend. Although, the husband says our relationship just wouldn’t be as great if that were the case.
So, I can’t say my life has been blessed, per se. I know @Sparkles ’ and @Isaac ’s has in having each other—and that should be enough for me. :)

Difficult but worth it? It’s definitely difficult sometimes. In those times is it worth it? Where I’m at now? I’d have to say “no”. I’m eager for the day when I feel it is. Just not there yet.

In the interest of full disclosure, my situation is probably the ideal. I’ve said before on here that I didn’t want poly. Not even a little bit. The night that the SW decided she was joining the husband’s family, I was such a wreck that I got sick... I felt my life must be over. Things HAVE gotten better. Time is really the biggest cure.

But, I have an amazing SW. She’s the kind all ladies would be blessed to have (even if her youth and beauty are intimidating :)). I can honestly say we’ve never had a fight and she’s cried WITH me when I’ve been hurting.

And the husband never plays favorites. He’s never given me a reason to feel less loved or cared for. Even the “new relationship energy” isn’t as daunting as I thought—most of the time. ;)

My issues are mine. I have always had issues with feeling all kinds of awful about myself. So, of COURSE, the fact that the husband wanted another woman just solidified how awful/ugly/horrible I am and how wonderful/beautiful/perfect she is.

So, I’m being fair in saying that my reasons for not liking poly are due to issues that I have to work out. Because, all of these things live in my head and my heart. They’re things that I have to fix.

@Isaac tells me they may never have come to the surface if not for poly. That it’s possible I would never have NEEDED to confront these issues. So, even I will admit that God is using this to make me better. Does it hurt? Absolutely it does. Maybe it’s supposed to?

I’m hopeful that in a few years’ time, my answers on here will be different. :)
Click to expand...
I have no idea what you look like but you are stunningly beautiful. It is a rare woman who can have that kind of clear eyed introspection and selfless humility. @Isaac is a blessed man.
 
Sonshine said:
I wasn’t going to post. And then @Isaac told me I should—regardless of what my feelings are. ;)

I don’t think poly is great. I will admit that it’s gotten “easier” over time. @Isaac and @Sparkles have been married for almost two years and I think time has helped.

Has my life been blessed? Well, that’s a difficult one. Because, while I do love my SW, and I’m glad to say we have a pretty great relationship—I’d be okay with her also just being a friend. Although, the husband says our relationship just wouldn’t be as great if that were the case.
So, I can’t say my life has been blessed, per se. I know @Sparkles ’ and @Isaac ’s has in having each other—and that should be enough for me. :)

Difficult but worth it? It’s definitely difficult sometimes. In those times is it worth it? Where I’m at now? I’d have to say “no”. I’m eager for the day when I feel it is. Just not there yet.

In the interest of full disclosure, my situation is probably the ideal. I’ve said before on here that I didn’t want poly. Not even a little bit. The night that the SW decided she was joining the husband’s family, I was such a wreck that I got sick... I felt my life must be over. Things HAVE gotten better. Time is really the biggest cure.

But, I have an amazing SW. She’s the kind all ladies would be blessed to have (even if her youth and beauty are intimidating :)). I can honestly say we’ve never had a fight and she’s cried WITH me when I’ve been hurting.

And the husband never plays favorites. He’s never given me a reason to feel less loved or cared for. Even the “new relationship energy” isn’t as daunting as I thought—most of the time. ;)

My issues are mine. I have always had issues with feeling all kinds of awful about myself. So, of COURSE, the fact that the husband wanted another woman just solidified how awful/ugly/horrible I am and how wonderful/beautiful/perfect she is.

So, I’m being fair in saying that my reasons for not liking poly are due to issues that I have to work out. Because, all of these things live in my head and my heart. They’re things that I have to fix.

@Isaac tells me they may never have come to the surface if not for poly. That it’s possible I would never have NEEDED to confront these issues. So, even I will admit that God is using this to make me better. Does it hurt? Absolutely it does. Maybe it’s supposed to?

I’m hopeful that in a few years’ time, my answers on here will be different. :)
Click to expand...
The thing that makes it easier for me is that it was my SW's idea for our husband to court me, and she had to be completely on board before I would join the family. I don't EVER want to be the reason for stress between them. I'm so grateful to my SW for sharing and inviting me into their marriage. I'm sorry it hasn't been the same kind of experience for you. I'm glad you have such a sweet SW though to help ease you through the transitions.
 
CinnamonGirl said:
The thing that makes it easier for me is that it was my SW's idea for our husband to court me, and she had to be completely on board before I would join the family. I don't EVER want to be the reason for stress between them. I'm so grateful to my SW for sharing and inviting me into their marriage. I'm sorry it hasn't been the same kind of experience for you. I'm glad you have such a sweet SW though to help ease you through the transitions.
Click to expand...
I have much yet to learn, but in watching and hearing from a number of poly families, I have drawn a couple conclusions.

1. Men typically move too fast...
2. The prospective SW should spend as much or more time 'courting' or getting to know and building close relationship with FW as she does with husband to insure the future challenges are softened.

(I think a whole thread could be dedicated just to this... the practical, not theoretical. How to...)

This doesn't negate the headship of the husband, but does significantly improve the success of entering a culture/practice with which most of us have zero experience... For the most part, we are building a culture from the ground up and need to be cognizant of the increased challenges as first generation pioneers. (YUUUUGE shout out to @nathan @andrew @steve and @RonHiggins and their precious families for their sacrifices and struggles to rightly divide the Word, understand an implement as they learned truths long hidden.)
 
ZecAustin said:
I have no idea what you look like but you are stunningly beautiful. It is a rare woman who can have that kind of clear eyed introspection and selfless humility. @Isaac is a blessed man.
Click to expand...

Thank you, Zec!

@CinnamonGirl , it sounds like you are extremely blessed in how it all happened for your family! I think it’s a very rare occurrence for a first wife to instigate or even seek having a SW. It sounds like she is an amazing woman. :)

I hope I didn’t make it sound like I was rushed into this... Quite the contrary. :) @Sparkles came into our lives and I was the one to first join this forum because I felt what God was doing. I just resisted. I wanted to ignore it. ;)
No one pushed it for a very long time. So long, that I’m amazed at the patience of the two of them... I know it was all for me.
It wasn’t until we were forced to move out of town that a decision had to be made. Were we leaving with her or without her?

I have days where I am SO angry that they got married. But, ultimately, even I know she’s where she’s supposed to be... I may have to read what I wrote here just to remind myself of this fact. :D
 
I think that I am naturally more suited to this lifestyle, but it has still been hard at times for me. It also helps that @Isaac and @Sonshine are the people that they are. Just like in any circumstance, if people TRY not to act on their emotions and not attack others in any way, it’s going to be a smoother journey than if people just treat people however they feel. We have definitely had our difficult times and they come and go, but I am extremely blessed by my whole family and it is all 100% worth it. I know that being a second wife makes that seem not as considerable, but second wives have their own set of difficulties. In my case, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I fully believe I wouldn’t have been this happy and blessed if I had married someone else in a monogamous relationship, even if there were fewer difficulties, more money, more freedom, etc. The only truly negative thing is that my sister wife hurts because of things about this and there’s nothing I can really do to help except pray and have patience. But God is good and I thank Him every day for His undeserved mercy and grace.
 
Sonshine said:
Thank you, Zec!

@CinnamonGirl , it sounds like you are extremely blessed in how it all happened for your family! I think it’s a very rare occurrence for a first wife to instigate or even seek having a SW. It sounds like she is an amazing woman. :)

I hope I didn’t make it sound like I was rushed into this... Quite the contrary. :) @Sparkles came into our lives and I was the one to first join this forum because I felt what God was doing. I just resisted. I wanted to ignore it. ;)
No one pushed it for a very long time. So long, that I’m amazed at the patience of the two of them... I know it was all for me.
It wasn’t until we were forced to move out of town that a decision had to be made. Were we leaving with her or without her?

I have days where I am SO angry that they got married. But, ultimately, even I know she’s where she’s supposed to be... I may have to read what I wrote here just to remind myself of this fact. :D
Click to expand...
I don't think there's anything wrong with how you feel...it isn't always easy for any of us, it's definitely on-the-job training in living out making others more important than ourselves! :-)

Yes my SW is exceptional, and still struggles, as I most certainly would in her place. And 2nd wife struggles are different, as well. But we both feel it's oh so worth it and wouldn't have it any other way.

Getting others to understand how our husband can love both of us individually, and love each us with all his heart, is a whole other story though. But we know he can, and that's all that matters.
 
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