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Support My son's father is opposed to biblical lifestyle

Dexters_Isha

Dexters_Isha

New Member
Real Person
My son's biological father and I are no longer together. My son is 12 years old. I've recently gotten remarried to a man of Yah and my son's biological father does not want us teaching him about polygyny or the Bible period. My son is blessed and the lord is on him to a point where he wants to learn about the lord, wants to be filled with the holy spirit and loves Yah. His father is opposed to this and thinks that I'm messing with his son's spirit as he should be an image of him (natural father) as that is his seed. Recently, he is making it hard for me as Im trying so hard to respect and co parent with him. But now he is demanding that I stop our private Bible studies with our son that my husband and I have. Demanding that we don't mention polygyny because it's bigamy in his eyes. It's really hard to study the old testament and not come across polygyny. Now it's almost like he is trying to run the household that my husband is the head over. I'm looking for suggestions on how to handle this situation in the best way possible while being respectful and not losing my son in the process. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
 
Does your son's biological father have him some of the time?

You could ask him to please teach your son everything he wishes to. Say that you not only would be happy with this, but you actually want him to. Ask him to please teach your son that polygamy is wrong - and why it is wrong - along with everything else he thinks is correct, especially everything that disagrees with your own views. Even if that means teaching him atheism. While you will teach him what you believe is true - but will not expect him to agree with you.

Your son needs to learn critical thinking, needs to be able to form his own viewpoints. The best possible way for him to do this is to be exposed to alternative views, and have to consider both of them. You shouldn't want him to be indoctrinated into any view, even your own, but to learn enough to come to his own views as a man.

The best thing for me in developing critical thinking, at your sons age, was learning creation science at home and evolution at school. I had to come to grips with those opposing concepts and figure out the truth, while everyone was earnestly trying to teach me what they believed was right.

Having two parents who care about what he is taught is a great opportunity for your son, not a problem. If he's a smart child he may use this well.
 
Dexters_Isha said:
My son's biological father and I are no longer together. My son is 12 years old. I've recently gotten remarried to a man of Yah and my son's biological father does not want us teaching him about polygyny or the Bible period. My son is blessed and the lord is on him to a point where he wants to learn about the lord, wants to be filled with the holy spirit and loves Yah. His father is opposed to this and thinks that I'm messing with his son's spirit as he should be an image of him (natural father) as that is his seed. Recently, he is making it hard for me as Im trying so hard to respect and co parent with him. But now he is demanding that I stop our private Bible studies with our son that my husband and I have. Demanding that we don't mention polygyny because it's bigamy in his eyes. It's really hard to study the old testament and not come across polygyny. Now it's almost like he is trying to run the household that my husband is the head over. I'm looking for suggestions on how to handle this situation in the best way possible while being respectful and not losing my son in the process. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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Being taught the truth and how to think critically is very important. The comments from @FollowingHim are good for you to consider.
 
If you happen to homeschool, you could set your son a project of interviewing his father and yourself on various issues, doing his own research into them, then writing an essay on each issue where he compares and contrasts the opposing viewpoints, and comes to his own conclusions!
 
@Dexters_Isha having met all of you, your son is plenty mature enough to do exactly as described above. He is, however, his father's seed/son. You are in the position of being under @bro. Dexter 's authority as is your son when he is with you... it is a tough balance, but it will train your son in many areas how to stand on his own two feet.

Will be praying for y'all and look forward to hosting you at some point.
 
Dexters_Isha said:
My son's biological father and I are no longer together. My son is 12 years old. I've recently gotten remarried to a man of Yah and my son's biological father does not want us teaching him about polygyny or the Bible period. My son is blessed and the lord is on him to a point where he wants to learn about the lord, wants to be filled with the holy spirit and loves Yah. His father is opposed to this and thinks that I'm messing with his son's spirit as he should be an image of him (natural father) as that is his seed. Recently, he is making it hard for me as Im trying so hard to respect and co parent with him. But now he is demanding that I stop our private Bible studies with our son that my husband and I have. Demanding that we don't mention polygyny because it's bigamy in his eyes. It's really hard to study the old testament and not come across polygyny. Now it's almost like he is trying to run the household that my husband is the head over. I'm looking for suggestions on how to handle this situation in the best way possible while being respectful and not losing my son in the process. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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My house is in a similar situation from both directions. I have a son in another man’s house and I have another man ‘s children in my house. It’s a horrible place to be in and there are no easy answers. And I mean no easy answers. As in the answers I’m about to give you are going to infuriate you.

Step 1) Repent, if you have not already. Our sins put our children in this position and the only remedy for that is repentance. I don’t care what the details are or who did what. I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. There is always sin involved with these situations. There was in mine and it was on every side. Healing begins with repentance.

Step 2) Accept that your ex is correct. He is the father and he does have the spiritual authority over this child. He should be in charge of the boy’s religious instruction, whether he’s good at it or not.

Step 3) Realize that your ex is wrong. He can’t exercise effective control of the boy’s spiritual life from a distance. My son in this situation is a dedicated Methodist. Even when I was a Protestant I laughed at Methodists. The boy will naturally gravitate towards your beliefs if the environment is right.

Step 4) Remove yourself from the situation. Your husband needs to approach this man in friendship and offer him this bargain. “I will make sure that your son is raised to your standard (assuming that standard is Christ) but I need your help enforcing rules X, Y and Z in my home. I understand I’m not the boy’s father but I can’t allow my home to be run by someone outside of it.” As soon as your ex realizes that he’s dealing with a masculine, mature man and that his role in his son’s life is not being threatened he will almost certainly calm down.

Step 5) Encourage and support your ex’s relationship with your son. Demand that your son respect his father and never make him have to choose between you. Always make the choice for the father before it comes down to your son. I promise you that the boy will bless you for it in very short order.

6) Stay out of it. You can only complicate the situation. Let your husband deal with it BUT ALWAYS FROM A PLACE OF FRIENDSHIP.

7) Trust God that this will work out to His glory.

We are always dealing with second best options in these cases. We’re not going to get perfection. My son is being raised a Methodist. It crawls all over me. At least he’s not an atheist. He will swing more my way as he ages.
 
The Revolting Man said:
My house is in a similar situation from both directions. I have a son in another man’s house and I have another man ‘s children in my house. It’s a horrible place to be in and there are no easy answers. And I mean no easy answers. As in the answers I’m about to give you are going to infuriate you.

Step 1) Repent, if you have not already. Our sins put our children in this position and the only remedy for that is repentance. I don’t care what the details are or who did what. I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. There is always sin involved with these situations. There was in mine and it was on every side. Healing begins with repentance.

Step 2) Accept that your ex is correct. He is the father and he does have the spiritual authority over this child. He should be in charge of the boy’s religious instruction, whether he’s good at it or not.

Step 3) Realize that your ex is wrong. He can’t exercise effective control of the boy’s spiritual life from a distance. My son in this situation is a dedicated Methodist. Even when I was a Protestant I laughed at Methodists. The boy will naturally gravitate towards your beliefs if the environment is right.

Step 4) Remove yourself from the situation. Your husband needs to approach this man in friendship and offer him this bargain. “I will make sure that your son is raised to your standard (assuming that standard is Christ) but I need your help enforcing rules X, Y and Z in my home. I understand I’m not the boy’s father but I can’t allow my home to be run by someone outside of it.” As soon as your ex realizes that he’s dealing with a masculine, mature man and that his role in his son’s life is not being threatened he will almost certainly calm down.

Step 5) Encourage and support your ex’s relationship with your son. Demand that your son respect his father and never make him have to choose between you. Always make the choice for the father before it comes down to your son. I promise you that the boy will bless you for it in very short order.

6) Stay out of it. You can only complicate the situation. Let your husband deal with it BUT ALWAYS FROM A PLACE OF FRIENDSHIP.

7) Trust God that this will work out to His glory.

We are always dealing with second best options in these cases. We’re not going to get perfection. My son is being raised a Methodist. It crawls all over me. At least he’s not an atheist. He will swing more my way as he ages.
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Everyone has offered extremely helpful advice. Thank you all so much! We feel the love. Specifically in response to @The Revolting Man ,

I went thru with step #4 some months back. He calmed down and we had a respectful discourse and came to an understanding, face to face. I offered the compromise as you said and stood on my authority in my house as a man. Things lasted that way for about a month and then he went into a rage at my wife after having a conversation with his son, and re-angering himself over the boy receiving any kind of Bible teaching or holy Yah fearing upbringing. He tried to institute full control at that point with zero religious instruction from us in MY house. Once it became clear he would not be reasoned with, I cut him off. We still encourage his son to call him and maintain a strong relationship with him, but I myself have no more desire to be friendly with him or compromise with him.

I respect his headship over his seed, which is why against my own beliefs I originally agreed to the terms we came to. So that he'd have a say in his son's spiritual upbringing. But as it turns out he didn't want compromise, he wanted total control. Which he is not gonna have from a distance and damn sure ain't fenna have in my house.

If he and I could actually have reasonable conversations and mutual respect, I'd still have that line of communication open with him so he could be a bit more active in his son's life. But I'm not gonna put up with him talking down to me or my isha nor making demands on how I rule my house, neither will I suffer a heathen to speak disrespectfully on my faith or the Word of my Yah.

I pretty much agree with everything you said though brother, and especially see the insight because you're dealing with it on both sides.
 
FollowingHim said:
Does your son's biological father have him some of the time?

You could ask him to please teach your son everything he wishes to. Say that you not only would be happy with this, but you actually want him to. Ask him to please teach your son that polygamy is wrong - and why it is wrong - along with everything else he thinks is correct, especially everything that disagrees with your own views. Even if that means teaching him atheism. While you will teach him what you believe is true - but will not expect him to agree with you.

Your son needs to learn critical thinking, needs to be able to form his own viewpoints. The best possible way for him to do this is to be exposed to alternative views, and have to consider both of them. You shouldn't want him to be indoctrinated into any view, even your own, but to learn enough to come to his own views as a man.

The best thing for me in developing critical thinking, at your sons age, was learning creation science at home and evolution at school. I had to come to grips with those opposing concepts and figure out the truth, while everyone was earnestly trying to teach me what they believed was right.

Having two parents who care about what he is taught is a great opportunity for your son, not a problem. If he's a smart child he may use this well.
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I think this approach is a great way to proceed with fairness and allow him to mature. Thank you brother!
 
bro. Dexter said:
Everyone has offered extremely helpful advice. Thank you all so much! We feel the love. Specifically in response to @The Revolting Man ,

I went thru with step #4 some months back. He calmed down and we had a respectful discourse and came to an understanding, face to face. I offered the compromise as you said and stood on my authority in my house as a man. Things lasted that way for about a month and then he went into a rage at my wife after having a conversation with his son, and re-angering himself over the boy receiving any kind of Bible teaching or holy Yah fearing upbringing. He tried to institute full control at that point with zero religious instruction from us in MY house. Once it became clear he would not be reasoned with, I cut him off. We still encourage his son to call him and maintain a strong relationship with him, but I myself have no more desire to be friendly with him or compromise with him.

I respect his headship over his seed, which is why against my own beliefs I originally agreed to the terms we came to. So that he'd have a say in his son's spiritual upbringing. But as it turns out he didn't want compromise, he wanted total control. Which he is not gonna have from a distance and damn sure ain't fenna have in my house.

If he and I could actually have reasonable conversations and mutual respect, I'd still have that line of communication open with him so he could be a bit more active in his son's life. But I'm not gonna put up with him talking down to me or my isha nor making demands on how I rule my house, neither will I suffer a heathen to speak disrespectfully on my faith or the Word of my Yah.

I pretty much agree with everything you said though brother, and especially see the insight because you're dealing with it on both sides.
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Yeah, he should have very limited contact with your wife. That’s never going to be helpful.

I would still be looking for ways to restart the process. The teenage years can be rough and everyone being on a similar page could be very useful.

When you say pagan do you mean total rejection of Christ or rejection of Torah keeping?
 
Dexters_Isha said:
My son's biological father and I are no longer together. My son is 12 years old. I've recently gotten remarried to a man of Yah and my son's biological father does not want us teaching him about polygyny or the Bible period. My son is blessed and the lord is on him to a point where he wants to learn about the lord, wants to be filled with the holy spirit and loves Yah. His father is opposed to this and thinks that I'm messing with his son's spirit as he should be an image of him (natural father) as that is his seed. Recently, he is making it hard for me as Im trying so hard to respect and co parent with him. But now he is demanding that I stop our private Bible studies with our son that my husband and I have. Demanding that we don't mention polygyny because it's bigamy in his eyes. It's really hard to study the old testament and not come across polygyny. Now it's almost like he is trying to run the household that my husband is the head over. I'm looking for suggestions on how to handle this situation in the best way possible while being respectful and not losing my son in the process. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Click to expand...
Let your son go. He is twelve and let his father raise his seed. The seed is to the father not to the mother. His last name should be like his father. This means the son is out of place which means you are out place in having that child. The child belongs with the father. This is peace.
 
The Revolting Man said:
Yeah, he should have very limited contact with your wife. That’s never going to be helpful.

I would still be looking for ways to restart the process. The teenage years can be rough and everyone being on a similar page could be very useful.

When you say pagan do you mean total rejection of Christ or rejection of Torah keeping?
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He believes in the idea of God, but doesn't really accept the Word. Meaning he doesn't think the Bible is necessarily the truth and can't be trusted (historically etc) as the standard to live your life by. He's functioning as a skeptic that doesn't believe that the Bible is actually what it says it is, but simply a book with a few stories that may possess some useful moral value here and there. The ole Aesop's Fables typa guy.

Before our conversation, one could have assumed him to be a run of the mill "believer", but this entire process has revealed that he mostly rejects the word of Yah, and not even on the basis of Torah. Just on the basis that he can't trust a book with his life. His original argument was "let my son be a child, he shouldn't be thinking about any of that" (which obviously goes against my convictions of train up a child), but eventually descended into him showing how much he is against the bible altogether. Even to the point of telling me and my isha that we should "just live our lives" and put the bible down.
 
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Andre Two Wives said:
Let your son go. He is twelve and let his father raise his seed. The seed is to the father not to the mother. His last name should be like his father. This means the son is out of place which means you are out place in having that child. The child belongs with the father. This is peace.
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I expected this to come up at some point. He has his father's name. He's been presented with the choice of living with his father multiple times and has declined every time. He loves his dad but I suppose he doesn't love the environment there with him. There's probably more to it, im just going off my observations.

The reason he ended up with his mother is the father wasn't capable of providing for and raising his son. But I do understand where you're coming from though.
 
bro. Dexter said:
He believes in the idea of God, but doesn't really accept the Word. Meaning he doesn't think the Bible is necessarily the truth and can't be trusted (historically etc) as the standard to live your life by. He's functioning as a skeptic that doesn't believe that the Bible is actually what it says it is, but simply a book with a few stories that may possess some useful moral value here and there. The ole Aesop's Fables typa guy.

Before our conversation, one could have assumed him to be a run of the mill "believer", but this entire process has revealed that he mostly rejects the word of Yah, and not even on the basis of Torah. Just on the basis that he can't trust a book with his life. His original argument was "let his son be a child, he shouldn't be thinking about any of that" (which obviously goes against my convictions of train up a child), but eventually descended into him showing how much he is against the bible altogether. Even to the point of telling me and my isha that we should "just live our lives" and put the bible down.
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It sounds like his issue isn’t with religion at all. It’s probably just an excuse to vent his frustrations over. My guess is that he settles in to a grumpy contentment.

I have three step daughters with two different fathers. I came into their lives about 12 years ago. I don’t try to enforce religion on them. I do enforce clean eating in the home and I work very hard to sell Torah to them. I haven’t succeeded yet but they’re young. I am very blessed to have a good relationship with all three, at least inside the bounds of stage of life and the reality of the situation.

They are great joys to me. I wouldn’t want to not be a stepfather. Girls are different than boys obviously though.
 
Please take this with a grain of salt, as I have no experience in this area.

I feel like this is about control, not about God. If that is the case, is there a way that you can let him have more control over his son's life in other areas? Thinking of a random example, is he able to take him out shopping to choose the clothes he wears? If you homeschool, is he able to choose a curriculum, or parts of it?

Without taking this the wrong way, maybe think of him like a toddler. They will throw massive tantrums, and a lot of the time it's because they don't have any control over their life. Giving them directed choices makes them think they have control when they really don't. For example, you get our two sets of clothes for them to wear and they get to choose which one. Maybe your ex needs directed choices, or maybe he just needs free rein in another area of your son's life. I imagine it must be very difficult for him to have no control over how he is being raised.
 
Dexters_Isha said:
My son's biological father and I are no longer together. My son is 12 years old. I've recently gotten remarried to a man of Yah and my son's biological father does not want us teaching him about polygyny or the Bible period. My son is blessed and the lord is on him to a point where he wants to learn about the lord, wants to be filled with the holy spirit and loves Yah. His father is opposed to this and thinks that I'm messing with his son's spirit as he should be an image of him (natural father) as that is his seed. Recently, he is making it hard for me as Im trying so hard to respect and co parent with him. But now he is demanding that I stop our private Bible studies with our son that my husband and I have. Demanding that we don't mention polygyny because it's bigamy in his eyes. It's really hard to study the old testament and not come across polygyny. Now it's almost like he is trying to run the household that my husband is the head over. I'm looking for suggestions on how to handle this situation in the best way possible while being respectful and not losing my son in the process. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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Just wanted to say hi to @Dexters_Isha.
I wish I had gotten to converse with you more at the retreat. It sounds like we have some similarities.😔 Bless you, sister. It’s hard place to be in.🙏🤗
 
FollowingHim2 said:
Please take this with a grain of salt, as I have no experience in this area.

I feel like this is about control, not about God. If that is the case, is there a way that you can let him have more control over his son's life in other areas? Thinking of a random example, is he able to take him out shopping to choose the clothes he wears? If you homeschool, is he able to choose a curriculum, or parts of it?

Without taking this the wrong way, maybe think of him like a toddler. They will throw massive tantrums, and a lot of the time it's because they don't have any control over their life. Giving them directed choices makes them think they have control when they really don't. For example, you get our two sets of clothes for them to wear and they get to choose which one. Maybe your ex needs directed choices, or maybe he just needs free rein in another area of your son's life. I imagine it must be very difficult for him to have no control over how he is being raised.
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This is great advice! I will certainly test this out and see if it lightens up the situation. I think at this point, we all are just seeking peace so all advice is appreciated. You do make a great point in regard to the difficulty that he must be facing feeling like he has no control. I think suggesting free reign or designating certain areas to control is a great start. In better circumstances, I would love for him to be able to make all deciding factors for his son or at least a healthy co parent environment but we are just not there yet. Thank you again!!
 
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