Hello everyone. I am looking for some advice. My wife and I have been together for 20 years she is 38 and I am 39. I have always believed in plural marriage, and wanted 3 wives well the time has come and we both agree that it is time. So my question is on adding two wives to a already stable family. Do you do it at one time? Or one at a time? I have prayed about it for years and asked God for his wisdom. I have come to the conclusion that it may be best all at one time. Any suggestions or advice? We have had many people of interest however none of them have been Cristian, and this is very important to us, and also that everyone can get along and treat each other with respect. So if anyone has any suggestions or input I would grately appreciate it. Thank you all and God blees all of you.
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Looking for advice on bringing two wives into our family
- Thread starter Rt29palms
- Start date
Southlander
New Member
I say stick to your guns on faith. You are a spiritual leader and to my mind this should be a non-negotiable point. If they don't share your faith (at least in general) it won't last too long.
One at a time, is my suggestion. They can both be close together, if you like, but I would suggest a couple weeks apart or maybe a month. Both at the same time could be a bit awkward logistically. But that's my take on it, and only you know your situation well enough to know for sure. Discuss it carefully with your wife and prospective wives and see where the conversation goes.
Hope this helps.
One at a time, is my suggestion. They can both be close together, if you like, but I would suggest a couple weeks apart or maybe a month. Both at the same time could be a bit awkward logistically. But that's my take on it, and only you know your situation well enough to know for sure. Discuss it carefully with your wife and prospective wives and see where the conversation goes.
Hope this helps.
Rt,
You certainly pose an interesting question. you say that you have prayed about it for years. If YHWH has shown you that you are to take both wives at the same time, then I would never presume to advise you differently. But that is not what you said, is it? You said "I have come to the conclusion.......".
So I am with Sl, I would approach this without the presumption that you can add in two wives in one swell foop and make it work in a way that does not end up with the four of you running off screaming in four different directions.
I can confidently guarantee that adding a wife will not work out in the way that you have pictured it in your mind. I am not being negative, just realistic. We have very little experience with this lifestyle in our culture, and none of us can look into our future plans without presuming things and filling in the blanks in ways that make sense to us. The fact that you are having some trouble finding a suitable candidate, much less two, would seem to support my point.
Please do not be put off by what I am saying, though. One day at a time, one step at a time.
And yes, faith is not an option in a potential wife!
Most of all, continue to seek His leading with all of your being!
You certainly pose an interesting question. you say that you have prayed about it for years. If YHWH has shown you that you are to take both wives at the same time, then I would never presume to advise you differently. But that is not what you said, is it? You said "I have come to the conclusion.......".
So I am with Sl, I would approach this without the presumption that you can add in two wives in one swell foop and make it work in a way that does not end up with the four of you running off screaming in four different directions.
I can confidently guarantee that adding a wife will not work out in the way that you have pictured it in your mind. I am not being negative, just realistic. We have very little experience with this lifestyle in our culture, and none of us can look into our future plans without presuming things and filling in the blanks in ways that make sense to us. The fact that you are having some trouble finding a suitable candidate, much less two, would seem to support my point.
Please do not be put off by what I am saying, though. One day at a time, one step at a time.
And yes, faith is not an option in a potential wife!
Most of all, continue to seek His leading with all of your being!
Thank you for the input Steve. I lived this lifestyle for more than a year I prayed about it for a long time, and when it happened I jumped into it however, I knew she was not right for us, and I also knew God was telling me she was not the right one. I did not listen and it did not work out. So my conclusion is to listen to God and what he tells me however, I was just looking for some advice on how to bring them into the family in a good way I do have a few people that I have met and spent some time with and I have been very honest about everything and my relationship with God. So my first post was not worded the best sorry for that friend. I am just looking for someone that may have done and gone through this that may be able to give some guidance. This will be a transition that could shake things up a bit if not done right. I would like it to go as smoothly as it can. Thanks for your advice friend God bless you
Well you said you were looking for advice, so...
One at a time.
And re "living the lifestyle for more than a year...", what you actually did was took a wife, then divorced her (of course I don't know the exact details, but a marriage started and ended abruptly).
So before you burn one, two or three person's lives, please resolve the reasons for that failure.
It is ludicrous to consider adding two wives at once when you are recently divorced from someone else, because regardless of reasons, fault etc she is still a human being that may well be in a mess now.
ylop
One at a time.
And re "living the lifestyle for more than a year...", what you actually did was took a wife, then divorced her (of course I don't know the exact details, but a marriage started and ended abruptly).
So before you burn one, two or three person's lives, please resolve the reasons for that failure.
It is ludicrous to consider adding two wives at once when you are recently divorced from someone else, because regardless of reasons, fault etc she is still a human being that may well be in a mess now.
ylop
Yes the relationship we had hurt us pretty bad. The girl went to a party and got drunk and slept with another man. I/we prayed about it and decided to forgive her however when it happened a second time I made the decision to call it off for sexual immorality. Then I found out over the time we where together she had slept with many men, I confronted her and she tolde "quote" you are the best man I have ever met and you have given me and shown me love like no other man ever has but this is who I am and I can not change that. So please let me ask you would you have broken it off? I/we are looking for a family forever that is dedicated to each other, and sleeping around is not dedicated nor is hiding or not telling your life partners the truth. I/ we do not hate or hold any grudge to her and still stay in contact as I fell in love with her kids and think it is not fair to abandon them as so many have. As for her I pray for her on a daily basis. Please someone tell me if I have done wrong in this.
I tried really hard and put all my faith in God I gave her all I could, her family and friends came to me and said that I was the best thing that happened to her and they have never seen her so happy but at the same time she was sleeping with many other people so I prayed and as I felt obligated I still tried and I confronted her, she cried and told me she wished she could change but new she could not and that she loved me. I still talk to her kids as I love them and do not want to abandon them as so many have. But their mom has an issue and when she told me the more someone told her to do something it made her want to do the apposite and that included God, at that point I did not know what to do as she would do the apposite of anything she was told or read in the bible. I know her mother really loved God and had a good relationship with him, and when she lost her mother all she could do is be a rebel. As she told me it was one sided that I could have more than one wife but she could not sleep with whoever she wanted I realized what God was telling me and I told her I was honest, and upfront from the beginning I am looking for a life long family not to go against God and I will not hold a grudge and if she needs something she can count on me however I can not have a sexual relationship with someone I am not married to, and that is what I am looking for a marriage not just for fun but for a lifetime. Please tell me if I am wrong in this. Please.
Also the right two are out there and God will be done. I have a few however I do not think that two of them are what God wants for me, and believe me if I thought that these ladies where what God wanted it would be done. They are beautiful, and wonderful however I must do it how God wants and with whom God wants and I believe I will know who it is that God wants at first sight.
From the details I can see, it was probably correct to end the marriage given what you found out.
Note I said marriage and not relationship.
Which goes back to my original point: these are marriages and not to be entered into lightly.
How much research did you do on that woman?
She already had kids, plural, where did they come from? Please don't post all the details, I don't want to know. What I am saying is - did you do your prep work?
From the limited info I see here, I would suggest NO.
The selection process for your second wife is even more important than your first wife, as firstly you now have others to consider, and secondly there will be zero support for your marriage to work.
Do your background checks more thoroughly, and don't consider doing two at once, it will be a mistake.
Regards,
ylop
Note I said marriage and not relationship.
Which goes back to my original point: these are marriages and not to be entered into lightly.
How much research did you do on that woman?
She already had kids, plural, where did they come from? Please don't post all the details, I don't want to know. What I am saying is - did you do your prep work?
From the limited info I see here, I would suggest NO.
The selection process for your second wife is even more important than your first wife, as firstly you now have others to consider, and secondly there will be zero support for your marriage to work.
Do your background checks more thoroughly, and don't consider doing two at once, it will be a mistake.
Regards,
ylop
Agree that it sounds like you have done and are doing the right thing about your second wife. Also agree with ylop that this is a warning to investigate any other wives very carefully.
I can't actually understand the question myself. Surely the issue confronting any man who accepts polygamy is not "how do I reach a target of X wives", but rather "does God want me to marry THIS individual woman?". So why would you actually end up pondering "should I add one or two at once"? I would think that instead you would be following God's lead on whether He wished you to marry individual women, and He might happen to give you two at once but is more likely to give you one at a time. I cannot envisage a real situation where I would actually find myself asking that question.
You might as well ask "should my next two children be twins, or two singles?". That's an equally pointless question, for essentially the same reason - IF you are following God's lead on who you should marry.
Is this about your love for the women themselves, or is it about you fulfilling your own ambition to be a polygamist? Are they people or trophies?
These are rhetorical questions for you to ponder, I also don't mean for you to necessarily answer them all.
I can't actually understand the question myself. Surely the issue confronting any man who accepts polygamy is not "how do I reach a target of X wives", but rather "does God want me to marry THIS individual woman?". So why would you actually end up pondering "should I add one or two at once"? I would think that instead you would be following God's lead on whether He wished you to marry individual women, and He might happen to give you two at once but is more likely to give you one at a time. I cannot envisage a real situation where I would actually find myself asking that question.
You might as well ask "should my next two children be twins, or two singles?". That's an equally pointless question, for essentially the same reason - IF you are following God's lead on who you should marry.
Is this about your love for the women themselves, or is it about you fulfilling your own ambition to be a polygamist? Are they people or trophies?
These are rhetorical questions for you to ponder, I also don't mean for you to necessarily answer them all.
Not trophys at all. And I have put it in Gods hands. There are two women and I asked myself the same question why? Because they wanted me to Marry them both however I do not think that they are what God wants for me. I am not a person that goes to bars or parties or anything like that, the point of investigating someone is a good one, also taking your time. I think I was starting to convince myself that these two where right only because we got along so well and the things they said however, like I said I think I was convincing myself and not listening to God, and that is what is most important to me is to listen to God and his will be done. Another issue I was having is there are so many women that claim one thing but when you really get to know them you find out they are someone 100% different than you thought. So you are correct investigation and doing what God wants. That is my focus.
My suggestion... set your mind on God, and use all this energy to be an excellent steward of the family you have. Don't allow yourself to become lacking in regards to the family you're responsible for in order to pursue, verify, or otherwise engage another woman. IF after good measure and shared experiences it becomes overwhelmingly evident that the relationship with a lady is bearing good fruit for your entire family, then you've no need to pursue her as she is walking the same path, no need to verify what you already know, and every reason to literally engage her (think jewelry store, bended knee, and butterflies in the stomach).
Btw, as has been forcefully pointed out to me, you can't LEAD from a position of PURSUIT!
No matter how much ladies might prefer to be in the power position of being the one pursued. (Human condition. No criticism implied. :roll: )
Better to become such a person that when an appropriate one finds out that there's a "position available" sign out, she "applies".
No matter how much ladies might prefer to be in the power position of being the one pursued. (Human condition. No criticism implied. :roll: )
Better to become such a person that when an appropriate one finds out that there's a "position available" sign out, she "applies".
Thank you for looking. I have explained it better to people than I have on here. I have a few friends that have lived this life for many years and they are good friends. One I knew before he lived this life, now he has 3 wives and they are truly the happiest people I know. I'm hoping to sometime meet more people and maybe become friends. I think it gives us a better view on how the family works, and how they make it work.