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Is it proper to correct another mans wife/family?

Nikud

Nikud

Seasoned Member
Real Person
Male
This is a touchy subject, at least for me it is. I know that I don't approve of someone correcting my wife and in some cases my children. It is my responsibility to teach and guide my family. That includes correcting them when they act rebellious, improperly, or over step boundries. When it comes to my children there are times I expect adults in to correct them. If I'm not there and another adult has been given authority over them, or if they are being reckless an immediate action is necessary. That to me is acceptable. My wife on the other hand I do not beleive should be corrected by anyone but me. I have always done my best to address fathers/ husbands about issues concerning there family/wife instead of correcting them myself. Some times you come across situations where the husband/father is absent, submissive, agreeable to the situation, or for lack of a better word oblivious to what's going on. Is it then proper to correct another man's wife/family?

I know Mathew 7:1 and Luke 6:1 speak of Judging and condeming others. 2 Timothy tells us to correct and shows us how to correct another. When is it appropriate to step in and correct another man's family/wife?
 
Unless I specifically asked for accountability from another person, or it was from my mother or father...I would probably punch another man who tried to correct my wife with or without me being present. That's a no no! I'm totally serious.

Correcting my kids? I have no problem. If I disagreed about the need to correct, I might let that person know in private, or quietly walk away and tell my kids why in private.

I think kids need to have a healthy respect for adults, and that means taking correction from them when necessary...even in my presence.

If someone as being a jerk with my kids, and spouting off stupid things, then I would tell that person to back off. I would do it in front of my kids so they understand that I will always be willing to defend them.

Just my opinion.
 
It would depend on the specifics of the situation.

If I wasn’t there and my wife was running roughshod over someone else I would expect someone to speak up, as embarrassing as that would be. If my wife was clearly in the wrong, I would thank the one that rebuked her.

Some women seem to think that they can run their mouths with impunity.

May I never be put in that position.
 
Yes, gentlemen consider the situation your wife is doing lashon hara (evil speech) against someone publicly.
Thats a sin which infects the listeners so if the husband is not present there is no option but to rebuke the speaker.
 
IshChayil said:
Yes, gentlemen consider the situation your wife is doing lashon hara (evil speech) against someone publicly.
Thats a sin which infects the listeners so if the husband is not present there is no option but to rebuke the speaker.
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And if the husband is there and not correcting his wife, they both stand to be rebuked.
 
Mojo said:
I hear what y'all are saying, but I think common tact would still be the Matthew 18 principle and it should be taken somewhere PRIVATE...man to man, even if it as a public offense. Absent a necessary, immediate resolution (violent behavior) it should not be a public spectacle.
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For most cases, I would agree.
But in cases where there is an actual victim, I would maintain that defense of the victim takes priority.
If no one confronts the abuser it leaves the impression that abuse is ok.

I am not going to stand there with my hands in my pockets while someone gets filleted.
 
steve said:
For most cases, I would agree.
But in cases where there is an actual victim, I would maintain that defense of the victim takes priority.
If no one confronts the abuser it leaves the impression that abuse is ok.

I am not going to stand there with my hands in my pockets while someone gets filleted.
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Physical victim, yes.
Verbal victim, no.

De escalation is paramount. Encourage others to just walk away.

Apologies for one time offense should be done in private.
Repeated offenders need to apologize publicly.

I'm not a fan of public shaming or spectacles. That's just me.
 
This is an incredibly broad question - particularly when you look at it from all perspectives. Because we can have situations where:
  • A woman feels she has been corrected / rebuked by someone other than her husband
  • A man intentionally corrects / rebukes a woman who is not his wife
  • A man feels his wife has been corrected / rebuked by someone other than him
These do not necessarily all occur simultaneously. A woman can feel rebuked, or her husband can feel she has been rebuked, when in reality the man just made an off-hand comment that he didn't consider to be a formal rebuke at all. On the other hand, a man can correct a woman in a way that is overly subtle and she doesn't actually recognise it.

In discussing this, Sarah raised a situation where she had felt rebuked by an elderly relative of mine, and not defended by me. I had completely forgotten the incident, yet it had made a serious impression in her mind and has been something that has affected her opinion of someone for many years. In this particular case, I don't know whether the relative in question had intended to rebuke her, or had made an off-hand comment that he felt was just so simple and obvious that it didn't qualify as a rebuke, because he expected her to agree anyway. My point is simply that this can get quite complex when it comes to specifics, particularly because it has so much to do with perceptions and feelings.

So Steve is correct that it depends entirely on the situation.

If I were to draw some general principles together though, I would think:
  • In general, it is not appropriate for a man to formally rebuke the wife of another man. Such matters should be taken to her husband.

    However:
  • We all express opinions, sometimes critical ones, and this is normal. However we need to remember that something one person considered a comment, can be considered by another to be a formal rebuke. Particularly when a man and a woman are talking... This means both considering the words we use, and how we perceive the words of others.
  • Older male relatives do deserve the formal respect of younger family members. In practice, this means that if such a person feels the need to rebuke a woman in the family, or makes a statement she perceives as a rebuke, the woman in question should respect them enough to take this to heart. This may in some cases mean altering her behaviour in a particular situation to follow the instruction of the older relative, until she has an opportunity to discuss it with her husband and obtain his instruction on it.
  • A husband needs to be very aware of how his wife feels about a situation, and know when she feels she may need his defence. To facilitate this, a wife needs to clearly state her feelings to her husband, who may not recognise that such a situation even exists, or that it is serious enough to require his input.
 
Many times people inadvertently set themselves up for rebuke.
Instead of stating an opinion as an opinion, they make a diffinitive statement out of it.
You can “softly” disagree with an opinion, but any disagreement with something that is stated as fact comes across as argumentative or rebuking.

When a woman sets herself up to be challenged by stating a false “fact” and then complains about being rebuked, in my opinion she is being a bully.
 
Look at what is going on under your noses on this board.
A woman is teaching using definitive statements and a man is feeling the need to rebuke her.
 
steve said:
When a woman sets herself up to be challenged by stating a false “fact” and then complains about being rebuked, in my opinion she is being a bully.
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This is brilliant steve. I never would have thought of it like that but it's true.
You nailed it.
 
FollowingHim said:
This is an incredibly broad question - particularly when you look at it from all perspectives. Because we can have situations where:
  • A woman feels she has been corrected / rebuked by someone other than her husband
  • A man intentionally corrects / rebukes a woman who is not his wife
  • A man feels his wife has been corrected / rebuked by someone other than him
These do not necessarily all occur simultaneously. A woman can feel rebuked, or her husband can feel she has been rebuked, when in reality the man just made an off-hand comment that he didn't consider to be a formal rebuke at all. On the other hand, a man can correct a woman in a way that is overly subtle and she doesn't actually recognise it.

In discussing this, Sarah raised a situation where she had felt rebuked by an elderly relative of mine, and not defended by me. I had completely forgotten the incident, yet it had made a serious impression in her mind and has been something that has affected her opinion of someone for many years. In this particular case, I don't know whether the relative in question had intended to rebuke her, or had made an off-hand comment that he felt was just so simple and obvious that it didn't qualify as a rebuke, because he expected her to agree anyway. My point is simply that this can get quite complex when it comes to specifics, particularly because it has so much to do with perceptions and feelings.

So Steve is correct that it depends entirely on the situation.

If I were to draw some general principles together though, I would think:
  • In general, it is not appropriate for a man to formally rebuke the wife of another man. Such matters should be taken to her husband.

    However:
  • We all express opinions, sometimes critical ones, and this is normal. However we need to remember that something one person considered a comment, can be considered by another to be a formal rebuke. Particularly when a man and a woman are talking... This means both considering the words we use, and how we perceive the words of others.
  • Older male relatives do deserve the formal respect of younger family members. In practice, this means that if such a person feels the need to rebuke a woman in the family, or makes a statement she perceives as a rebuke, the woman in question should respect them enough to take this to heart. This may in some cases mean altering her behaviour in a particular situation to follow the instruction of the older relative, until she has an opportunity to discuss it with her husband and obtain his instruction on it.
  • A husband needs to be very aware of how his wife feels about a situation, and know when she feels she may need his defence. To facilitate this, a wife needs to clearly state her feelings to her husband, who may not recognise that such a situation even exists, or that it is serious enough to require his input.
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I agree with the comment about elders. I included parents in my first comment, but I think deference to age of any rebuker should be taken into consideration.

Whether I agreed or not, I would probably smile, say thank you, and walk away from an elder.
 
Mojo said:
Verbal victim, no....... Apologies for one time offense should be done in private. Repeated offenders need to apologize publicly.

I'm not a fan of public shaming or spectacles. That's just me.
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Neither am I, but public shaming and spectacles is one of the things that I feel I need to be correcting. The other ,unrelated, is someone speaking with authority which they don't have and teaching those they should not.

I go to the Husband/Father in private. There are cases when that is not possible. There is also been times when the man was apathetic to the situation. For example a acquaintance of mine's wife is a horrible gossip that enjoys publicly humiliating young couples. I went to him and asked him to speak with his wife. He refused because it would just cause trouble for him in his house. In the end his wife was corrected in public manner which she enjoyed. Not by me, but by my wife. The fact that my wife had to correct her when her husband and I along with other men who were present during these episodes failed to do so really bothers me.
 
Kevin said:
Neither am I, but public shaming and spectacles is one of the things that I feel I need to be correcting. The other ,unrelated, is someone speaking with authority which they don't have and teaching those they should not.

I go to the Husband/Father in private. There are cases when that is not possible. There is also been times when the man was apathetic to the situation. For example a acquaintance of mine's wife is a horrible gossip that enjoys publicly humiliating young couples. I went to him and asked him to speak with his wife. He refused because it would just cause trouble for him in his house. In the end his wife was corrected in public manner which she enjoyed. Not by me, but by my wife. The fact that my wife had to correct her when her husband and I along with other men who were present during these episodes failed to do so really bothers me.
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Was this in a church? If so, then there should be a leadership/accountability protocol in place for such things. If outside of a church, then can shunning or avoiding be a possibility?

I'm not afraid of confrontation, but "decent and in order" always comes to mind (I know it's not a direct interpretation of that verse, but I apply it to a lot of things).
 
Mojo said:
Was this in a church? If so, then there should be a leadership/accountability protocol in place for such things. If outside of a church, then can shunning or avoiding be a possibility?
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The example I gave was a work acquaintance and his wife. Where I worked would have picnics or holiday parties for employees. Pretty much every weekend we had a BBQ at the shop for who ever was on call. So the families got to know each other more or less.

The other isn't a traditional "church" setting either, but I believe it was handled. My issue with that was misappropriation of authority for the purpose of teaching.

I have no problem with confrontation either. I try to respect the Authority of other men when it comes to their families. I know if I directly correct someone it can turn south easily because Im blunt. When I try to be sugarcoat things I fail to get my meaning across. I'm learning and trying to be more tactful.
 
It's difficult to imagine a scenario where my wife is misbehaving so much in my absence that what's needed is an immediate rebuke without my knowledge. I'm not keen on the idea.

I've found that those I have fellowship with have no problem finding a way to say what needs to be said in such a way that even if they're dead wrong, I'm still not offended.

And on the other hand, I've found that those whom I have zero fellowship with do seem to be the ones to feel it is their duty to point something out without regard to if they even know me or my family. That kind can hardly be correct enough for me to receive it as anything other than grave insult.

Which is to say, if the wrong person 'corrects' my wife in the wrong way, out of a sense of decorum or doctrinal purity, he may have put my wife in her place at the moment; but how will he restore fellowship with me? "A brother offended is more difficult than a walled city"

I don't mean to sound contentious, but my wife is very much the apple of my eye. I subject her to all manner of indignity without remorse or apology, that is her burden. Other men's directives are unwelcome. The man who rebukes my wife has a difficult job. My wife wears make up. A man might lovingly quote 1 peter 3:3 at her and encourage her to be more plainly adorned.

He's not necessarily wrong or unscriptural for saying so, perhaps. I probably wouldn't eat his face, either, because I'm a big boy now.

Lord knows I would do my best to try to love him, because the Lord has commanded me to love my enemies. And to annoy my wife is to BE my enemy.
 
In the past, Ive instructed my family that if someone is instructing them to do something that they know I am set against, they need to kindly inform them that “My father/husband does not allow me to do/participate in this” and that they can refuse correction or direction from someone else, even an “elder”. They must show appropriate respect, but obedience only as it aligns with my beliefs.
If the “elder” has an issue with it, he can bring it up to me and we’ll discuss it and I will correct my family if I deem it necessary or tell the elder to back off.
To me, this is proper decorum. Anything outside of this is grossly unacceptable.
 
Verifyveritas76 said:
In the past, Ive instructed my family that if someone is instructing them to do something that they know I am set against, they need to kindly inform them that “My father/husband does not allow me to do/participate in this” and that they can refuse correction or direction from someone else, even an “elder”. They must show appropriate respect, but obedience only as it aligns with my beliefs.
If the “elder” has an issue with it, he can bring it up to me and we’ll discuss it and I will correct my family if I deem it necessary or tell the elder to back off.
To me, this is proper decorum. Anything outside of this is grossly unacceptable.
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I pretty much agree with this stand. I have taught my wife and daughters to be respectful of and submissive to men in general. If a man gives instruction that is not contrary to what I have taught her and also not clearly contrary to scripture I expect her to obey that instruction.

If she thinks the instruction is odd or has some other question about it she should talk to me about it after she has obeyed. (assuming I am not immediately available)

If a man sees my wife doing or saying something that is clearly against scripture or something that he knows is against my instructions I want him to correct her. (assuming that I am not present) obviously he should use discernment with regards to how he corrects her. If it unnecessary to do it publicly my hope is that he would be discreet with it. But I would defer to his discretion of the situation and would back him up if she were clearly doing something wrong.

If it's reasonable to do so I also would want him to come to me and allow me to do the correcting. But again I would defer to his discernment of the situation and unless it's clear that he was out of line with how he handled it I would back him up.
 
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