This is kind of following on from a discussion on another thread, and the thoughts I've had about it. Although this post is aimed mostly at woman, I've put it in Family Issues for reasons that will become clear, and also so men can comment on it.
Disclaimer: I'm not currently in, nor have I ever been in, a plural marriage. I'm going off theory here, and I'm learning all the time. So if you have experience in PM and I'm wrong then please speak up!
One of the things that first wives struggle with when introduced to the idea of PM is that they are not enough. I know I thought it many times. It's understandable giving the society we were raised in, and it's completely normal to have those doubts and anxiety at first. I'm wondering though if the reason we're having them is because we're coming from the wrong place.
What if as women we're seeing a second wife as competition, instead of as a member of the family?
I often relate this back to children, because it's a good illustration and it's one I understand well.
We don't have more children because the previous children weren't enough. We have more children because we love children and because we want to expand our family. Future siblings are not competition for previous siblings, they are simply a new part of the family and they all bring their unique characteristics, their strengths and their weaknesses.
Here's another illustration. Husband's elderly grandmother is struggling to pay rent on her place and is getting older and needs a little bit of extra care. So, husband moves her in to the house he shares with his wife and two children.
The grandmother is thankful to get the extra care she needs, she also helps in her own unique ways. She's amazing at making pies, much better than the wife. She can knit clothes for the children, and is teaching the daughter how to knit. She knows all sorts of stories and poems off the top of her head and can keep the children entertained for hours. She plays music all the time around the house that the family had never listened to before, and they discover they really like it.
The wife also discovers that since she has an extra pair of hands around the house she can get more done, and also spend more time with her children. Since she has more time and the children are now in school, she can get a part time job. After school the children can go home to the grandmother, so she can work later if need be. She also often comes home to a cooked meal for dinner.
The grandmother is happy to have a family again. She was alone and needed some company. She adores her great grandchildren and is happy to look after them whenever needed. She loves everyone with food. She is also very thankful to not be alone for most of the day since she knows she is getting older and has health conditions that could flare up.
Together this family are working as a team. They are ALL a family. The grandmother is not an extra. She is not competition either. There are benefits to both women. They argue too, and they need to work out how to get along and what the household structure should be. The husband is good at helping with this if needed.
So, tell me what the difference is between this situation, and a sister wife? Sex and age. That's it.
What if it's not the grandmother, but the husband's sister who needs a house and a family to be a part of? We've removed age. Still the sister is a part of the family, right?
So does it all boil down to sex? Is that the one thing that we really feel we are not enough in? I have covered some of that on another thread, because it's often the first thought that women have. But is it sex that makes it suddenly a 'competition' and not a 'family'?
What if we really thought of a SW as a new family member like a newborn baby or an elderly family member? Would we leave the house if things weren't going well? Would we throw her out? Or would we love her like we love family, knowing that they're not perfect, but they're a part of our life and structure and that it's never going to perfect?
Disclaimer: I'm not currently in, nor have I ever been in, a plural marriage. I'm going off theory here, and I'm learning all the time. So if you have experience in PM and I'm wrong then please speak up!
One of the things that first wives struggle with when introduced to the idea of PM is that they are not enough. I know I thought it many times. It's understandable giving the society we were raised in, and it's completely normal to have those doubts and anxiety at first. I'm wondering though if the reason we're having them is because we're coming from the wrong place.
What if as women we're seeing a second wife as competition, instead of as a member of the family?
I often relate this back to children, because it's a good illustration and it's one I understand well.
We don't have more children because the previous children weren't enough. We have more children because we love children and because we want to expand our family. Future siblings are not competition for previous siblings, they are simply a new part of the family and they all bring their unique characteristics, their strengths and their weaknesses.
Here's another illustration. Husband's elderly grandmother is struggling to pay rent on her place and is getting older and needs a little bit of extra care. So, husband moves her in to the house he shares with his wife and two children.
The grandmother is thankful to get the extra care she needs, she also helps in her own unique ways. She's amazing at making pies, much better than the wife. She can knit clothes for the children, and is teaching the daughter how to knit. She knows all sorts of stories and poems off the top of her head and can keep the children entertained for hours. She plays music all the time around the house that the family had never listened to before, and they discover they really like it.
The wife also discovers that since she has an extra pair of hands around the house she can get more done, and also spend more time with her children. Since she has more time and the children are now in school, she can get a part time job. After school the children can go home to the grandmother, so she can work later if need be. She also often comes home to a cooked meal for dinner.
The grandmother is happy to have a family again. She was alone and needed some company. She adores her great grandchildren and is happy to look after them whenever needed. She loves everyone with food. She is also very thankful to not be alone for most of the day since she knows she is getting older and has health conditions that could flare up.
Together this family are working as a team. They are ALL a family. The grandmother is not an extra. She is not competition either. There are benefits to both women. They argue too, and they need to work out how to get along and what the household structure should be. The husband is good at helping with this if needed.
So, tell me what the difference is between this situation, and a sister wife? Sex and age. That's it.
What if it's not the grandmother, but the husband's sister who needs a house and a family to be a part of? We've removed age. Still the sister is a part of the family, right?
So does it all boil down to sex? Is that the one thing that we really feel we are not enough in? I have covered some of that on another thread, because it's often the first thought that women have. But is it sex that makes it suddenly a 'competition' and not a 'family'?
What if we really thought of a SW as a new family member like a newborn baby or an elderly family member? Would we leave the house if things weren't going well? Would we throw her out? Or would we love her like we love family, knowing that they're not perfect, but they're a part of our life and structure and that it's never going to perfect?
Thank you for this.
