• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

I need advice and dont know who to talk to

W

WhoCanFind31

Member
Female
I've been really working hard on bringing myself to do things my husband tells me to do and like a day after I've come to accept some really hard things it's like it never ends because now he expects me to separate from him and move into disability home program while he tries to do these extra things for us that are not needed. Yes it's great he wants to be bringing in more money as the provider so that we dont depend on any of my income and I guess he wants less government involvement but we have a roof over our head, food, clothing, plus more to just enjoy something sometimes. I've tried to Express to him that I dont think it would be healthy for me to lose his covering to that degree and that we are still working on improving our intimacy. I dont see anywhere in scripture that a husband leaves his wife to that extent in order to make more for our life. I've tried explaining to him that as long as he makes sure I can reach things I need he can go to work and to please give me a chance to prove it. I think the last thing our marriage needs right now is this separation and that it's beyond the level of stress I can handle. Theres only so much a person can throw in front of another person until they fail and fail and fail and then give up. For example, I would never expect a newborn to start walking just because I try to make them or a child to be a master soccer player when they are just starting out. My whole world is spinning and has been for years and when I finally show that I'm painfully trying in love he just adds another big thing with no time to even fully get used to or process the other things I've accepted and are trying to be ok inside myself with. If we are already married how is a separation like this ok? It would obviously take a long time considering he would have to get some job after not working for years and then to wait for who knows how long and save money to get a stable place for us to me sounds unrealistic and unhealthy for our marriage. He says hes been trying with me for the past 6 years to become more established but I disagree because we have only been married for 3 and have gone through alot of hurt and trying to heal from that hurt. From my perspective he didn't have a clear understanding of what he even fully wanted to do and so he hasn't tried the option I want him to in this context where he is now sure of what he wants his career to be. I want him to at least give my idea a shot because I firmly believe that separation will do more harm than good and that it's better to stay together.


He threw in a few things from him to add:
I believe the best way to move in the right direction is to quit being her caregiver and put her into a facility and prepare a place for her to come back. I want to maintain regular contact during this time.
 
This is a hard one! You obviously need to be heard; but no one has the right to interfere in your marriage. The bottom line is that both you and your hubby need to sit down and have an open and frank conversation while at the same time giving consideration to the marital advise within the scriptures. If you are having trouble finding scriptures others will possibly be able to help, but this is your marriage and we really don't have the right to come between you and your husband. Possibly the best thing would be to have a spiritually mature man (Elder) come to your home and help you both think your situation through, but even this would need to be with the consent of both of you.
We feel for you both and our prayers are with you both, sorry we can't offer more but we wanted you to know that you have been heard and you are cared about.
 
I agree with @Aussies. My gut reaction is to agree with you, as I've only read your perspective. But reality can be quite different to the impression gained from a single brief forum post, and there may be some major other factors at play that would give an entirely different impression. It is impossible to properly understand your situation from here, and I thoroughly agree that you should be meeting with people in person, or failing that by video call / telephone, to communicate the full situation and receive the advice that you need.

Thoughts to ponder, remembering I don't have enough information to judge the situation or offer recommendations, I'm just giving you something to assist your thinking:

I would usually think that you should be able to achieve more together than apart. Even with a disability, if you are being truly constructive, you should be more help than hindrance. If he feels he needs to have space from you to be able to work productively, that suggests some larger issues in your marriage that need addressing. You're supposed to be his "suitable helper" (that's what help-meet means). Are you being a suitable, matching helper for him? Does he feel you are? Could you be one?

If you focussed on what you can do rather than what you cannot do, could both of your perspectives change and you see some opportunities you had overlooked?
 
FollowingHim said:
I agree with @Aussies. My gut reaction is to agree with you, as I've only read your perspective. But reality can be quite different to the impression gained from a single brief forum post, and there may be some major other factors at play that would give an entirely different impression. It is impossible to properly understand your situation from here, and I thoroughly agree that you should be meeting with people in person, or failing that by video call / telephone, to communicate the full situation and receive the advice that you need.

Thoughts to ponder, remembering I don't have enough information to judge the situation or offer recommendations, I'm just giving you something to assist your thinking:

I would usually think that you should be able to achieve more together than apart. Even with a disability, if you are being truly constructive, you should be more help than hindrance. If he feels he needs to have space from you to be able to work productively, that suggests some larger issues in your marriage that need addressing. You're supposed to be his "suitable helper" (that's what help-meet means). Are you being a suitable, matching helper for him? Does he feel you are? Could you be one?

If you focussed on what you can do rather than what you cannot do, could both of your perspectives change and you see some opportunities you had overlooked?
Click to expand...
I was on the edge of breaking things off with him and just from spending 2 days with my mother which is where I'll end up was not healthy and so I humbled myself and told him I wanted to stay. Now that he wants to rid me of my life and all of my things that have importance to me just to have me enter a new apartment in his name only to symbolize me coming in to his home and doing his way or I'm kicked out is extreme to separate over and to make me have to basically lose all of my things. If I was tempted to leave him already and he makes ms settle into a new life with my mom I dont know if I'll go back to him for doing this to me. To be uprooted and to have to lose our wedding sentiments and other really important things and to uproot me and then have me settle somewhere else and then to do that over again to me is insane and selfish. I literally threw myself at his mercy and told him I'd do way better and I have been even treating him talking to some mystery woman who wants to be with him way better than I ever would. I told him that hes overwhelming me with so many things at once the only way I see is to have a mental breakdown and give up because I cant take all these spinning plates. If he wants me to grow and thrive he cant just throw it all at me at once because it's just setting me up for failure. He tells me so be it and maybe I need to have a mental breakdown. Hes been talking to a guy who is very anti emotional and female in the sense that he bashes the forums saying ite too feminized which baffles me and to me hes extreme and missing that I cant just be a man and man things out. I need him to have mercy and grace on me as the weaker one knowing I cant just be a man. I need him to meet me where I'm at and try to be patient with me. I'm afraid his way of thinking has made me as a woman an enemy in nature to not take into consideration besides that I'm a woman so there for what he wants naturally he should be and any of where I'm coming from is woman like and should not be taken into account. He doesnt understand that the mental state of a woman can only take so much at once and that he is being counterproductive and destructive to any progress I've made and am still letting sink in.
 
Just food for thought. What would your connection be to your things if they were all destroyed in a fire? Obliterated by a tornado? Or wedding sentiments rendered obsolete by a divorce?
 
Verifyveritas76 said:
Just food for thought. What would your connection be to your things if they were all destroyed in a fire? Obliterated by a tornado? Or wedding sentiments rendered obsolete by a divorce?
Click to expand...
If no one is being selfish and unloving by being hasty and not looking at me as a person and caring about me in regards to it and it was only destroyed by a natural disaster I would be sad but it wouldnt be nearly as sad.
 
If your husband is outlining a direction for his family to travel, and is leading in that direction, you have two choices.
  1. Follow
  2. Don’t follow.
If you make your “Follow” contingent upon certain conditions, which he refuses, You then have what you want. If thats not what you really want, better change your conditions under which you’ll follow.

IMO a woman who wont follow her man has just voted herself off of the island.
 
My stuff being removed isnt the main issue. I dont think we are healthy enough to separate and for me to lose my covering.
 
I’m sorry, WCF31.
This is all very complicated and I’m sure that your husband isn’t perfectly leading, but you are falling for the old “I will gladly follow him , if he will just lead us where I think we should go.”

@Verifyveritas76 is right, it simply comes down to letting him lead, or not.
 
One word.

Submission.

Does my husband always lead me in a direction that I think is the right thing for our marriage? Nope- but does it matter? Nope, I’m called to submit. That’s it. Do some spouses have to chose a job that makes him be away from his family for a time to better the family, all the time. Military spouses, over the road trucker spouses, there are tons more. It’s your attitude that you need to focus on. As @Verifyveritas76 state, follow or don’t. It’s up to you and you are accountable to God for your choice in that issue.
 
Just reading my bible and thought the comments at 1 Cor 7:10-11 may be helpful. Written by Paul but the thoughts of our lord.
 
I might add that the Bible talks in Titus about the older women teaching the younger women to love their husbands (no easy thing!). I would recommend that you look for older godly women that you admire that love their hsubands that can be a mentor to you for support.

God bless you and your family in this difficult time.
 
Oh WCF31, I am so sorry to hear of these events. I have no advice but to say please try to keep clinging to the Lord through all of this. He knows your future and will reward you as you keep on running this race striving for the prize. I would not wish these circumstances on anyone, so my heart goes out to you for the long road ahead of you. I can't imagine being so longly separated from my husband and being put in a facility for long term care. Try to keep hold of His promises and hold on to that you will see the goodness of God in the land of the living.
 
RainyLondonFog said:
Oh WCF31, I am so sorry to hear of these events. I have no advice but to say please try to keep clinging to the Lord through all of this. He knows your future and will reward you as you keep on running this race striving for the prize. I would not wish these circumstances on anyone, so my heart goes out to you for the long road ahead of you. I can't imagine being so longly separated from my husband and being put in a facility for long term care. Try to keep hold of His promises and hold on to that you will see the goodness of God in the land of the living.
Click to expand...
<3
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top