I have offered to help with finding my husband a second…. Anyone else doing this?

[Lilac]

Hello ladies,
This is my first post since joining a couple months ago, and I’ve been very shy until now.
Briefly my story is that my husband and I were monogamous and 3ish months ago he dropped the bombshell on me that we wanted another wife. As well as me.

I went thought all the common nightmare of emotions but I have passed through many of them and have come to accept that if I want to stay with my husband (we have 3 boys, chooks, homeschool, socialise with friends and garden and love our life) I need to accept that we will be polygynous.I even told a close friend today about this life change (the first person I’ve told) and she’s totally supportive and I realized I’m growing and changing in order to accept these new ideas or polygony and Patriarchy.

I have recently realized that being the astute judge of character that I am, and knowing from experience that my husband is not as intuitive as I am about people, that if we are going to get a good match that can also be a good friend for me, then I need to be doing the searching. He is all for it

I never expected when this began, that I would be the one searching for a new friend to maybe one day introduce to my husband. I feel proud that I am able to post here now, and thankful to @julieb for replying to my panicked and overwhelmed messages in the early months.

Is anyone else in this position or similar?

 

[HomesteadWife]

Hello Lilac and welcome to the forum!!

Thank you for sharing some of your background. I'm glad you have been able to begin processing and accepting the new reality which your husband is looking to incorporate into your family. Prayers for you as you continue to grow in your understanding.

I'm glad that you are willing to help your husband with searching for another potential wife and its good that he trusts you in that capacity.

I am a first wife, and only, and though my husband and I are open and seeking a sister wife we haven't had a large amount time to invest in doing so yet. we have put some feelers out there as we don't believe that sitting at home doing nothing will help open any doors. We believe that if the timing is right, and if it is Yahweh's will that we add to our family in that way that the doors will open.

That being said I'd like to share a few thoughts on your situation and advice based on how I personally am approaching this.

One of the things that is most important to remember is that finding a second wife you are first and foremost seeking for your husband. He is going to be the one marrying the potential wife so what HE is looking for and the aspects of what he considers of value in adding to his family are the priority. Yes, you are looking for someone who you do not have deep personality conflicts, neither you or your husband will want that on a day to day basis. The reality may be that the person who may end up being added to your family might be entirely opposite or quite different than you are. When your husband is looking to add he is looking for someone who will add value and contribute to building your family tribe. That could be someone who will bring a personality, skillsets, and perspectives which are not currently present. Though you might have less in common with a potential like this that doesn't mean you wouldn't be able to get along. Someone your husband is compatible with is not guaranteed to be a super close friend fit for you as well, but that doesn't mean that can't happen. This experience and the opportunity to bring someone new into your family will be someone who expands you all and pushes you to grow in, if you allow this to be the case, many positive and probably unexpected ways.

Those are some initial thoughts I had.

Blessings to you as you continue this journey!

 

[Joleneakamama]

Thanks for sharing your story!

I looked on line for years to no avail. Once my husband's business got going well enough, he hired a sweet single mom so I could retire from being his secretary. After a year+ she accepted a permanent position. I feel very blessed to have had her (and her son) as family for almost two years.

Julie is a lady with a lot of wisdom. I wish we didn't live on opposite sides of the country, but I have been blessed by this forum and the ministry they provide people like us, that find ourselves different than most for this belief.

 

[julieb]

Welcome to the Forum @Lilac! I am so glad you are in a better understanding of your husband's desire for plural marriage. I am also glad I was of some help in the early days.

I have to agree with @HomesteadWife that it is a fine line between helping our husband search for a new wife which can be helpful and making the "job of that" something that makes us feel in control of a situation where we don't really have any control over in the end. It should always be the husband's interest and passion for a new wife that supports any new relationship. I pray that you will both find a good balance in the search as you walk it together.

 

[Happyhen]

Something that recently jumped out to me is the verse that states: “the spirit and the bride say come”. Seems like when the bride says “come”, she is ready to disciple, come along side of, etc. and it seems like it’d be a much better walk and experience for the additional ones who follow the master, if the bride has also said “come”.

 

[Joleneakamama]

Something that recently jumped out to me is the verse that states: “the spirit and the bride say come”. Seems like when the bride says “come”, she is ready to disciple, come along side of, etc. and it seems like it’d be a much better walk and experience for the additional ones who follow the master, if the bride has also said “come”.

Not meaning to be irreverent....but...

 

[julieb]

Something that recently jumped out to me is the verse that states: “the spirit and the bride say come”. Seems like when the bride says “come”, she is ready to disciple, come along side of, etc. and it seems like it’d be a much better walk and experience for the additional ones who follow the master, if the bride has also said “come”.

I totally agree it is waaay better to have the "bride/first wife" say come along! It is certainly a goal of mine to help first wives be in a place emotionally and spiritually to do that. Unfortunately, I have known a few first wives who said "come" only because they had an expectation of mentoring (controlling) a second wife to be what THEY wanted in the family. Any first wife would be wise to keep in mind the proper line of authority and work at having realistic expectations regarding their husband's new wife. Thankfully, I have also known first wives who genuinely want to build a solid relationship with a new wife and look for how the new wife can add to the family. The adjustments are still there but they are dwelt with in a more positive manner.