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I have been selfish and it didn't do my family any good

Nikud

Nikud

Seasoned Member
Real Person
Male
I've been doing alot of reflecting and praying. It was just revealed to me that I have been selfish. My wife can no longer have children. We looked at adoption and it didn't seemed feasible. Because of this we got involved in a few children's ministries and orphanages. The fact that she can't give me children doesnt change my love for her but it did put blinders on me when it came to plural marriage.

I made a list of things that I needed in a second wife. One of the most important to me was that she wanted kids. This caused me to dismiss a few women ,who had a servants heart, who would have made good wives and wanted to be wives, because they couldn't have kids. I didn't stop to think of how much good it would do for them. They wanted kids but could have any (give me more). We have children, we could have shared with them. They would have got to share the love for a child that is in them and my children would have been blessed with more love. I told myself it was what I needed but in truth it was my own selfish desire to get what I wanted.

I guess I made this thread in the hopes that everyone will look at their reasoning behind wanting a plural marriage. We talk about single moms and who's eligible and not, but we don't seem to talk about how we can use plural marriage to glorify G-d much beyond headship. There are a few families here on the forum I think got it right. It's not only about enlarging their family, making things more financialy sound, or filling roles in the family. Which are all good reasons. Its about opening our families up to those who need something from our family. It's about finding a way as a family to serve the Kingdom, to glorify G-d through good works and ministry as a family. Thats my thoughts and opinion anyway.
 
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You die to the single life to start a married life. You die to the life of a married couple to start a family. You die to monogamous family life to have a plural family. And eventually we learn how to die to the independent family life (I'm talking particularly to the men here...) to figure out how to learn the tribal life.

You're on the right track, Kevin. Just keep doing what you're doing....
 
Kevin said:
I've been doing alot of reflecting and praying. It was just revealed to me that I have been selfish. Jessica can no longer have children. We looked at adoption and it didn't seemed feasible. Because of this we got involved in a few children's ministries and orphanages. The fact that she can't give me children doesnt change my love for her but it did put blinders on me when it came to plural marriage.

I made a list of things that I needed in a second wife. One of the most important to me was that she wanted kids. This caused me to dismiss a few women ,who had a servants heart, who would have made good wives and wanted to be wives, because they couldn't have kids. I didn't stop to think of how much good it would do for them. They wanted kids but could have any (give me more). We have children, we could have shared with them. They would have got to share the love for a child that is in them and my children would have been blessed with more love. I told myself it was what I needed but in truth it was my own selfish desire to get what I wanted.

I guess I made this thread in the hopes that everyone will look at their reasoning behind wanting a plural marriage. We talk about single moms and who's eligible and not, but we don't seem to talk about how we can use plural marriage to glorify G-d much beyond headship. There are a few families here on the forum I think got it right. It's not only about enlarging their family, making things more financialy sound, or filling roles in the family. Which are all good reasons. Its about opening our families up to those who need something from our family. It's about finding a way as a family to serve the Kingdom, to glorify G-d through good works and ministry as a family. Thats my thoughts and opinion anyway.
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Oh my gosh. I love this. Kevin I completely understand where ur coming from. I cant have children without help. So for me at first I was hell bent on being in a PM just for the reasoning of having children for my husband cause I myself cannot gwt pregnant on my own. My thought was "oh lets add a second wife so she can gice my husband the children that I am not able to have".

After months of thinking like this I was in a way verbally slapped by God. He showed me that this is not how I should be thinking. He showed me my selfishness and brought me to a point of.... "Hey its ok that I cant habe kids. I still have so much to offer not only my husband but any wives that we may take in the future.

I want to share my husband because I want my hopeful future sister wife to feel the love that my husband gives to me, for her. I want my hopeful future sister wife to feel the love of our family for her. I want to share my family with her. Though we have only one child (my step daughter) we have so much love to gice to others. And I want to share the love in my heart with others. That's where I am cpming from now.

Thank u Kevin for sharing this. It was a great thought.
 
Kevin said:
It was just revealed to me that I have been selfish.
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That's such a great comment to bring up, Kevin. Thank you for having the courage to put it that way. My journey has led me to a similar place of having to confront my thought patterns as well. Where I am now, I believe God may say to many of us that He wants us to cultivate the marriage He has given us and to work on His kingdom, not our own. In order to minister in areas He may want us to go, it may entail remaining as we are, even as we recognize the rights of others to enjoy what God has given them in their homes and ministries.

If the real possibility of marital expansion presented itself, it would seem to me that the primary qualifications for any additional wife would be her willingness to submit herself both to Him (God) and to him (her husband) and to add value to the existing family, while the family commits to adding value to her life. In other words, the commitment of all parties must be to seek righteousness before God personally and to cooperatively maintain a godly home. For many of us however, I believe that God wants us to focus on glorifying His kingdom right now -- either as singles or couples, some of us without children, some of us with adopted children, and others of us with a few or many children of our own.
 
Kevin said:
I've been doing alot of reflecting and praying. It was just revealed to me that I have been selfish. Jessica can no longer have children. We looked at adoption and it didn't seemed feasible. Because of this we got involved in a few children's ministries and orphanages. The fact that she can't give me children doesnt change my love for her but it did put blinders on me when it came to plural marriage.

I made a list of things that I needed in a second wife. One of the most important to me was that she wanted kids. This caused me to dismiss a few women ,who had a servants heart, who would have made good wives and wanted to be wives, because they couldn't have kids. I didn't stop to think of how much good it would do for them. They wanted kids but could have any (give me more). We have children, we could have shared with them. They would have got to share the love for a child that is in them and my children would have been blessed with more love. I told myself it was what I needed but in truth it was my own selfish desire to get what I wanted.

I guess I made this thread in the hopes that everyone will look at their reasoning behind wanting a plural marriage. We talk about single moms and who's eligible and not, but we don't seem to talk about how we can use plural marriage to glorify G-d much beyond headship. There are a few families here on the forum I think got it right. It's not only about enlarging their family, making things more financialy sound, or filling roles in the family. Which are all good reasons. Its about opening our families up to those who need something from our family. It's about finding a way as a family to serve the Kingdom, to glorify G-d through good works and ministry as a family. Thats my thoughts and opinion anyway.
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Yes, offering something to others, some stability, advice, anything positive God wants us to do or be for others. We have been through several phases and realized this after a while. When we were actively searching we didn't find because we were searching our will. We shouldn't expect any thing, just hope we can serve and do His good will. It is rewarding when we can. Things happen when we don't expect them, on His time not when we want.
We have seen this. After we gave up our will.
 
Kevin said:
I've been doing alot of reflecting and praying. It was just revealed to me that I have been selfish. Jessica can no longer have children. We looked at adoption and it didn't seemed feasible. Because of this we got involved in a few children's ministries and orphanages. The fact that she can't give me children doesnt change my love for her but it did put blinders on me when it came to plural marriage.

I made a list of things that I needed in a second wife. One of the most important to me was that she wanted kids. This caused me to dismiss a few women ,who had a servants heart, who would have made good wives and wanted to be wives, because they couldn't have kids. I didn't stop to think of how much good it would do for them. They wanted kids but could have any (give me more). We have children, we could have shared with them. They would have got to share the love for a child that is in them and my children would have been blessed with more love. I told myself it was what I needed but in truth it was my own selfish desire to get what I wanted.

I guess I made this thread in the hopes that everyone will look at their reasoning behind wanting a plural marriage. We talk about single moms and who's eligible and not, but we don't seem to talk about how we can use plural marriage to glorify G-d much beyond headship. There are a few families here on the forum I think got it right. It's not only about enlarging their family, making things more financialy sound, or filling roles in the family. Which are all good reasons. Its about opening our families up to those who need something from our family. It's about finding a way as a family to serve the Kingdom, to glorify G-d through good works and ministry as a family. Thats my thoughts and opinion anyway.
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Kevin, I appreciate you post because as a single woman past child bearing age I have often asked myself "What do I have to offer in a marriage"?
The family I am getting to know have children, mine are grown. I would never dream of trying to take that away from their mom but add to the love they do receive. I am nearing the change of life and will I be good enough for anyone other than a work mule or a pay check. I know i am, but will a potential husband.
The man I am getting to know was upset with me one day when we had a conversation about my income production. So let me ask, is the paycheck more important than the ability to provide in other ways...ie. work on the farm, care for the family, cooking, medical care, building etc. I have long worked to be a Proverbs 31 woman. Is that of value? How do the husband's feel about that and if any wives are reading please help me understand.
 
Totally valuable to me! The older I get, the more I question if I can raise little ones again. Right now, a helpmeet would be my preference, not a baby maker (not disparaging those who want more children).
 
It totally depends on the family. I’m still in the baby making stage of life, but I work also, so having a loving bestie that will love on my babies while I run off to work here and there would bless me. If she wanted to bring in some kind of income, she would be welcomed to do so also.

The getting to know phase is so important. That is the time to see if you mesh with the vision of the family as well BEFORE making the commitment to join and be forever his.
 
Patricia Callen said:
So let me ask, is the paycheck more important than the ability to provide in other ways...ie. work on the farm, care for the family, cooking, medical care, building etc. I have long worked to be a Proverbs 31 woman. Is that of value? How do the husband's feel about that and if any wives are reading please help me understand.
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No. Yes. I feel your potential husband should be on this discussion board if he's serious about plural marriage.

You have value as a companion and a co-worker, whether you bring in cash income or not. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
 
Patricia Callen said:
The man I am getting to know was upset with me one day when we had a conversation about my income production. So let me ask, is the paycheck more important than the ability to provide in other ways...ie. work on the farm, care for the family, cooking, medical care, building etc. I have long worked to be a Proverbs 31 woman. Is that of value? How do the husband's feel about that and if any wives are reading please help me understand.
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andrew said:
You have value as a companion and a co-worker, whether you bring in cash income or not. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
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I agree with Andrew. IMO, If income or reproduction is the main focus of ANY marriage, then we need to look back at our lives and what and who guides.
 
Patricia Callen said:
Kevin, I appreciate you post because as a single woman past child bearing age I have often asked myself "What do I have to offer in a marriage"?
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The other side of this coin is many men today look at the quality of women generally available and think that income and child bearing is the only thing they have to offer. Or they may see someone who wants to be a homemaker in this world of 2 income households as just not being willing to pull their weight. Don't think I say that about you or me. It is a commentary on society and is not a poly issue but a marriage issue.

I say that to both explain their perspective and to show you the immense opportunity. There is something unimaginably precious about a well rounded woman with a beautiful Christian spirit who can excel at being a helpmeet in all areas; even if she can't bear children. The Prov 31 woman was as rare as rubies, and that's truer today than ever. She works hard, harder than the man even, and her value is readily apparent.

Patricia Callen said:
So let me ask, is the paycheck more important than the ability to provide in other ways...ie. work on the farm, care for the family, cooking, medical care, building etc. I have long worked to be a Proverbs 31 woman. Is that of value?
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No one thing is predominant and it all depends on the family. But why is that an either or? The Prov 31 woman did bring in income and showed that you didn't need a job to do it.
 
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Most moderns don't tend to appreciate all that a homemaker does to support her husband and family. If done correctly, it can save the household lots of money by diligent management of the home. Much of the two income household is rife with waste spent maintaining all the disparate parts.
 
Can't believe I just saw this now; excellent point Kev.
 
I know this is a bit of thread necro, but recent events make me want to respond quickly to say:
@Kevin , I know how that goes.

It's hard, SO HARD to let go of something, to NOT pursue something, which you know is good in and of itself (having children for instance). Which you can see, clear as day, would be such a wonderful ideal. Being patient, being open to what GOD has instead of just what we want...is so friggin hard. I've caused people pain doing just that, and am still dealing with fixing it. I'm not 100% certain how it will look like coming out the other side, but I know this: if nothing else, God has taught me that just pursuing my time and my goals is not only pointless, it's a fast road to hell on earth.
 
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