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Help from the ladies

torahlovesalvation

torahlovesalvation

Member
Real Person
Ok, all BF strong and wise ladies. I need your help. I have a very close friend (Shara) that knows my stance. Supports me in it and see how poly is scripturally sound.
The problem I'm bringing to you is the wall we hit especially when asked to put herself in the shoes of a sister wife.
She will burst into tears and say, " I just don't see how this would be a happy marriage." If the situation is poor/ forced and the women make the best of it. It's not happyness. If all the women are completely on board from the beginning, ... than there content to have peace in the home/ they really enjoy other women's company. But, " I just can't see how that can be happy when they have to share their husband."

In all other benefits and dynamics of poly life, she really gets it. But she just can't seem to make it work on this one thing. She says, " If my husband decides to go the poly route. I will have to get my own house and live a separate life."
She feels she won't divorce him. It's scriptural. It's just that her image of a marriage, .... her marriage. Should be filled with happiness which would then be lost.

Ladies, thanks ahead of time for your input for Shara. I'll give it a week or two before I show this to her to allow the most responses.

Husband's, if you you think you wife could contribute and isn't very active on the forum. Please show this to her.

Shara's not yet married. FYI.

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Re: Help from the ladies

Lots of great thoughts, Tribalmama!

I just had a few thoughts to add to that. First, I feel I should start off by saying that plural marriage is not for everyone. It is not for every man and it is not for every woman. Some women just don’t have the emotional ability to live a Patriarchal marriage, which is hard enough for the “modern” woman in a monogamous marriage, but then to add Patriarchal plural marriage to it, which asks them to have a friendship and life with another woman who is loved just as much by their husband, is just too much to absorb. This does not mean they are less “spiritual” or less loved by our Lord, it is just about the emotional make up of who they are.

You said that she doesn’t believe she could truly be happy in a plural marriage and thus really doesn’t believe that any other women truly could either. They might settle for a form of it but not what they really “deserve”. Yet, she is torn by the “Okayness” that the Scriptures show her about a man loving more than one women and it being a good thing. This is a problem, for sure. So, how does someone reconcile these things? I think you must go to the emotional foundation of your thinking. Why do I believe that a monogamous relationship is the only way I will be happy? What need does it meet in my heart? What fear or insecurity does plural marriage shine a light on in my heart? What lie do I believe about myself, about marriage, about who God is?

Another aspect might be, that she just doesn’t trust other women. So, why would she want to share a husband and a life with someone she doesn’t trust? I am coming to think that God is bringing the truth of plural marriage to us to actually start repairing the female bond. Plural marriage gives women the chance to root out deception and become trustworthy and supportive without alternative motives and jealousy between them, which monogamy and feminism have planted in our hearts from a young age.

I truly hope she finds the answers that she needs and that she will mature and grow in her relationship with her Lord thru it all. I know you will be a good support to her through it all.
 
Tomorrow will be 2 weeks for this post. I was kinda hoping for more input. Starting to wonder if maybe I've actually unintentionally struck a bad cord with the forum ladies. If so. I'm sorry. Thanks again for those who did give there thoughts.

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Re: Help from the ladies

I've noticed many of the wives don't tend to post on the forum or even visit it, and save their interactions for places like Ladies chat. I think it's because there are less likely to be arguments and accusations of incorrect interpretations. Another reason to foster an atmosphere of civil discussion, lol!


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Re: Help from the ladies

Yes, encourage this woman to go onto ladies chat herself to ask her questions. The ladies are far more active there than on the forum, at present.
 
Re: Help from the ladies

Hi, this is actually RainyLondonFog, Slumber's wife. I can't seem to get my username to log in and haven't received a password reset link yet so we decided I would just use Slumber's log in for my reply.

I kind of agree with your friend. I mean, if I allowed my imagination to run wild I would probably feel similarly. I believe in Christian Poly,I think it is completely Biblical. However it would mean a lot of change for our family, not only the changes but also having to deal with a lot of things that were ingrained in me personally about what a 'marriage' is. I am dealing with those things already, but I am comfortable with the idea of poly, not quite in the living it with another woman in my own home, this afternoon per say. Mostly I would fear the kind of rejection that my family would have against it. And I also think that I would feel insecure about myself, and I could see it being very easy to slide into my past problems with depression. BUT, that is because I am trying to imagine the future. And worrying about tomorrow is not something that we are suppose to do. I think trying to become completely comfortable with situations before they arrive in our own personal lives can be a waste of time, and honestly setting one's self up to fail. Mostly because what we imagine is almost always worse then what actually happens. I'm in love with this passage from C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape letters, where the idea is presented that humans are tricked into the idea that the 'trial' and the 'test' is in the situation and we need to analyze the possible outcomes over and over again so that we can be prepared for whatever comes our way. But really that is the trap, that the real trial is not trying to solves the problems of what's ahead of us, but rather be comfortable and at peace in the present waiting time, before we actually see what is ahead. I hope that makes sense...

My complete belief is that if we are lead into a poly marriage, it will be a good and happy thing for us. Because it would be the will of God, and He works all things together for good for those that love Him and are called according to His purpose. Both Slumber and I don't take poly lightly, so I think that if it were to happen in our lives, the Lord would definitely need to make it happen as both of us aren't looking to leap into anything like that. Just because my heart is uncomfortable and fears it today, I shouldn't stress it over the whys and what ifs of if it might happen. I believe that the Lord will create a thing of peace where there is doubt now, if the situation should arise in our lives. So I guess I don't see a need for your friend to get past the wall she is at, if the Lord is going to bring that into her life, He will be faithful to complete whatever work needs to be done in her and as would need to be done in me.
 
Thanks for the reply.
I see what u mean about if it's not for her, then......
But it would likely bother me knowing she feels that way toward my wives. But then again, at that point it would be her problem and my concern would be my wife's happyness. But then again. .... it leavs me asking. Can my wives truly be happy.
Back to square one.


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Re: Help from the ladies

Back to regular old Slumberfreeze again:

I have an impressive collection of anecdotal evidence that supports the theory that no woman or group of women can ever feel anything like happiness until they have robbed their man of every impulse not directly related to supplying them with an increasing supply of aesthetically pleasing rocks, plant life, sweet foods and alcoholic beverages, foot massages and long walks on the beach. They feel that happiness for the briefest of moments, and regain it only briefly when they observe the last spark of life die out in his eyes.

From there on out, only death can release you from the torment you've bound yourself to.


(I didn't mean any of that, but MAN ALIVE was it cathartic!)
 
Re: Help from the ladies

Slumberfreeze! You had me there for a moment....so glad you didn't mean that but it makes you think about our present day marriages/relationships doesn't it.

RainyLondonFog, you said some amazing things. I agree completely! (I really need to read that book.) I don't think there is anything wrong in trying to sort it all out in our minds and hearts but at some point, and hopefully sooner than later, we need to lay it at HIs feet and trust in his plan for our lives.

Torah, I totally get what you are saying. I suspect the Lord has something for you to grow in regarding your friends inability to be on the same page as you. Don't let the enemy rob you of your joy over walking in this truth. Just a thought....
 
Sf. I have often get a smerk..... or scratch my head at your humor. Lol can't wait to meet u.
Thank u both.

I have tried to get her on the forum but no go.
Thanks again for the replies though.

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Re: Help from the ladies

I'm gonna reload and try to answer straight this time. Lord help me to not be snarky!

I firmly believe that the majority of women who steadfastly believe in biblical poly will NOT be happy entering into a poly marriage. I believe that this unhappiness will be a constant struggle until the man demonstrates that his concern for his wive's happiness and is a real and palpable thing, that is COMPLETELY overshadowed by his sense of principle, rightness, and unwillingness to sway his proper actions even for a moment for the sake of their happiness.

I believe that it is inevitable that their pursuit of happiness will lead them to complain against him and each other, and to try to wrest control in subtle ways to satisfy their own pride and sense of self. They will do this to assure themselves that they are the "real" wife. They will do this to test the resolve of the man and see if he's not just all talk after all. They will do it consciously. They will do it unconsciously. They will do it while joking but not really joking. They will do it passive aggressively. They will do it while screaming and throwing dishes. They will do it while sobbing on the front porch loudly enough for your neighbors to hear. They will do these things because the expectations of monogamy have been ingrained in them in ways they haven't even considered. They will do this because they are female. They will do this because they are human.

And then when a man passes these tests, when he does not break frame, when he refuses to act unfairly, when he has demonstrated unshakable faith, wisdom, and leadership. When he can be kind when he should be exasperated, when he is loving at their most unlovable, who refuses to ignore bad behavior, but addresses it with the word of God, with gentleness, understanding, and forgiveness.

After these things, his wives may very well feel comfortable enough with their incredible man to allow themselves to be happy with their family situation.

You may very well luck out, and God being merciful may omit some of these challenges.

Ugh. I'm not saying what I'm trying to say! Here it is: My opinion is that the best way to ensure the happiness of your wives is not to try to make them happy, but to be a strong and purposeful God-fearing husband. If you go right for what they say will make them happy you won't achieve it. If you focus on being a man respectable from every angle, you may very well have your wive's happiness as well.

Or shoot. Why do I even blabber?

Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Coulda just said that. Your heart's desire is for happy poly women, yeah? Ogres onions parfaits. There's layers. Hopefully some of that was useful.
 
Thanks sf. I completely agree with the points presented. I let one days frustration get posted.
I agree the man leads by example. Which is picked up and amplified by those under his athority and reflected back to him. Not to mention the affect on those around him.

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Re: Help from the ladies

Slumberfreeze said:
I firmly believe that the majority of women who steadfastly believe in biblical poly will NOT be happy entering into a poly marriage....

I believe that it is inevitable that their pursuit of happiness will lead them to complain against him and each other, and to try to wrest control in subtle ways to satisfy their own pride and sense of self. They will do this to assure themselves that they are the "real" wife. They will do this to test the resolve of the man and see if he's not just all talk after all. They will do it consciously. They will do it unconsciously. They will do it while joking but not really joking. They will do it passive aggressively. They will do it while screaming and throwing dishes. They will do it while sobbing on the front porch loudly enough for your neighbors to hear. They will do these things because the expectations of monogamy have been ingrained in them in ways they haven't even considered. They will do this because they are female. They will do this because they are human.

And then when a man passes these tests, when he does not break frame, when he refuses to act unfairly, when he has demonstrated unshakable faith, wisdom, and leadership. When he can be kind when he should be exasperated, when he is loving at their most unlovable, who refuses to ignore bad behavior, but addresses it with the word of God, with gentleness, understanding, and forgiveness. .....
Click to expand...

What a blessing reading your post! I was led to believe that if I don't find joy in the idea of poly then clearly I'm in rebellion towards Yahwe. Now obviously it's correct but this explains it waaaaaaaaaaaaaay better without getting hurt over the content first.
I pray that husbands that do go forward and leave their wives over to their emotions, would have the heart to show gentleness, understanding and forgiveness regardless.
 
Re: Help from the ladies

May I be blunt?

Matthew 16:24 (KJV)
Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any [man] will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.

We live in a society that has made happiness an idol.
Our master called us to service. True happiness will never be achieved outside of serving others, it is a foundation of the Kingdom that we have joined.
Can there be a better opportunity for service than in one's own family?
Can being a member of a family dedicated to serving each other and others be the ultimate, most satisfying, happiness?

Romans 12:1 (KJV)
I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, [which is] your reasonable service.

How have you sacrificed today?
It is only reasonable.


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