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Hello from a single newbie!

S

Sam Speaks

Member
Not much to tell here except to thank the admins for launching and maintaining this ministry! The message is sorely needed and perhaps one of the bravest missions a Christian could undertake!

But I do have a question to ask:
How might a man convince a potential or current wife to accept the idea of sharing her man with another woman? It looks to me like most women (given Western anti-poly conditioning) would recoil at the very suggestion, and of course her family (and probably the groom’s family as well) would side with her. How does one overcome that obstacle?

Is there any literature out there (other than Scriptural arguments to prove it’s not a sin) that appeals to the woman’s perspective?

Thanks again.
 
Welcome, Sam!
Truth has never been easy to disseminate in the midst of the enemy’s lies.
Luke 12:51-53 (KJV) 51 Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: 52 For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. 53 The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law.
 
Welcome, Sam. I would just advise both sticking around for relevant conversations to emerge and browsing through already-existing threads with relevant titles. Or attending an in-person gathering and staying up until the wee hours as some of the men inevitably discuss such perpetual concerns.
 
The only answer I can give from my limited experience with the discussion is carefully, gently, patiently and any other synonyms of those words. For me, a perfect opportunity presented itself for the discussion while we were watching the TV show The West Wing. I have a habit of pontificating about things I agree with or disagree with in TV shows (a habit my Rose has become accustomed to) and so when the subject came up in the show (I believe it was the death penalty episode) I had a perfect opportunity to state that the show was correct polygyny was not prohibited in Torah and back it up with the reasons I believed it was not. This however was only part of the process. She accepted that it was legitimate and legal on a conceptual/intellectual level but when I mentioned it for our family she became hostile to the concept. We are presently working through it together but I guess there's no one size fits all or cookie cutter answer to give, I really wish there was a formula to give though.
 
Hi Sam, and welcome to BF. 'Convincing' is indeed a pickle that continues to sour would-be polygamists, and does get discussed a lot. I think making the Biblical case, and then allowing a large amount of time (and prayer) for that truth to take root and bear fruit is wisdom. 'Pushing' is almost always folly.

But I think perhaps there's another side to this that we don't dwell on enough.
George Bernard Shaw said it well: women "prefer a tenth share of a first rate man to the exclusive possession of a third rate one."

This guy adds smartly that "When women imagine what living in a polygynous society might be like, they imagine themselves having to share their current, no-good loser of a husband with other women."

I think, if we focus on becoming the men that a woman would be willing to 'share', the case for plural marriage will be much easier. That's a life-long process, and I am more aware then ever of my failures, even as a polygamist of 25+ years. (If my wives knew then, what they understand about me now, would they make the same choices? I'm kind of afraid to ask them! Thankfully, love covers a multitude of sins.)
 
No doubt polygyny would be a good deal for society. De-stigmatizing it would be the best gift we could ever give to all the women out there, except perhaps for an elite few who would have gotten a top notch man anyway. The hard parts I envision would be:
1) convincing first wife to welcome another wife
2) being disinvited from churches
3) relations with inlaws
4) becoming the talk of the town

The part about convincing wife #2, 3 or more to come on board would probably be quite easy by comparison. At least that’s what I would expect.

Have you posted your story on here anywhere? If not I’d love to hear it.
 
Sam Speaks said:
The hard parts I envision would be:
1) convincing first wife to welcome another wife
2) being disinvited from churches
3) relations with inlaws
4) becoming the talk of the town
Click to expand...
Ha, you'll be surprised at how easy 2 and 4 are! And all you have to do is not care about #3.
Seriously, we have this survey of folks we took at a retreat where 6 or 7 plural families were present, and asked them which was the tougher part of polygamy: the extra relationship work, or dealing with family/friends/church. For every single plural person, it was the latter.
We never asked about the "convincing" part, I suppose that's a question just for the guys (well, I can think of one case where it was the other way).
Sam Speaks said:
Have you posted your story on here anywhere? If not I’d love to hear it.
Click to expand...
Some of it is buried deep here, I'll look. Willing to share with you sometime, but a bunch of it is useful primarily as a 'what not to do', and 'there but for the grace of God' guide! Which is, in large measure, why BF exists now.
 
Sam Speaks said:
No doubt polygyny would be a good deal for society. De-stigmatizing it would be the best gift we could ever give to all the women out there, except perhaps for an elite few who would have gotten a top notch man anyway. The hard parts I envision would be:
1) convincing first wife to welcome another wife
2) being disinvited from churches
3) relations with inlaws
4) becoming the talk of the town

The part about convincing wife #2, 3 or more to come on board would probably be quite easy by comparison. At least that’s what I would expect.

Have you posted your story on here anywhere? If not I’d love to hear it.
Click to expand...
A lot of us have been slandered and kicked out of churches just for telling the truth about what the Bible says.
 
Well, I’ve been unchurched for years now anyway (not due to drama, just relocated and haven’t joined a new one) and I don’t really perceive myself to have backslid. I’ve done a bit of revising my beliefs which may be more growth than I would have gotten had I been “planted”. But if I marry I would certainly want my children to have some positive exposure to church. Not saying it needs to be every time the door open though…
 
Bartato said:
A lot of us have been slandered and kicked out of churches just for telling the truth about what the Bible says.
Click to expand...
We refer to it as receiving the left foot of fellowship.
There is a thread that exists somewhere in the dusty past.
 
steve said:
We refer to it as receiving the left foot of fellowship.
There is a thread that exists somewhere in the dusty past.
Click to expand...
I found a thread on the subject ....including a particular testimony I found exceptional here.
 
Welcome Sam! In terms of persuading people, I actually think we cannot persuade people at all. This is one of those issues that somebody will never see unless the Holy Spirit draws them to it. If they need to accept it (if it is God's plan for their life), they will be drawn to considering it all by themselves, and will end up accepting it. When someone is already open to the idea, even just a tiny crack, then we can help to provide the information that allows them to persuade themselves / the Holy Spirit to persuade them. But if somebody is completely closed to it, if their heart is hardened, then you're talking to a brick wall and may as well not bother.

If God has two women out there for you, He will ensure that they come around to the idea in a way you would probably never have expected. If God has only one woman out there for you, He may not bother with persuading her about this because there may be no need! :-)
 
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