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My husband and I have been together for 3 years and married for 1 year. I met my daughter when she was 5 years old. She is now 8 years old. My husband has soul custody of our daughter. But from time to time (though very rarely) her birth mom pops out of nowhere and all of the sudden wants to be in my daughter's life. Through out the last 3 years I have struggled with having anger towards her. The fact that she doesn't priorities our daughters needs and just comes in when it best fits her needs. How do i overcome that anger and find common ground with my daughter's birth mom. Because whether I like to admit it or not, my daughter needs her birth mom in her life.
She lost custody because she neglected Leila from the age of infancy till my husband got her at age 4. She has severe delayed learning because of her birth mom's neglect. She is absent so often because Leila is too much for her to handle. She can't handle her ADHD or her impulsive personality. So she is just nilly willy with getting to know Leila at all
My husband and I have been together for 3 years and married for 1 year. I met my daughter when she was 5 years old. She is now 8 years old. My husband has soul custody of our daughter. But from time to time (though very rarely) her birth mom pops out of nowhere and all of the sudden wants to be in my daughter's life. Through out the last 3 years I have struggled with having anger towards her. The fact that she doesn't priorities our daughters needs and just comes in when it best fits her needs. How do i overcome that anger and find common ground with my daughter's birth mom. Because whether I like to admit it or not, my daughter needs her birth mom in her life.
Maybe try to incubate a real feeling of pity for the birth mom.
What kind of hippy free wandering foolishness has caused her to miss out on the jewel who is now your daughter.
Surely a woman who can go against the natural maternal instinct must have a very broken/deceived spirit.
Try to never speak ill of her in front of your daughter as this will only hurt your daughter's heart.
Focus on the positive qualities of this person and ask our Father to give you a double measure of forgiveness for her. I'm sure your anger is born out of your love for your daughter but it does not serve her.
The L-rd will repay the years which the locusts have eaten...
oh I posted I think at the same time as you were adding more information... I may not have been able to write what I wrote had I known all of that... I think it may still be true though... but tougher to implement...
May G-d give you strength to act rightly
I had a similar problem with my brother and his exwife. It's hard to to have compassion when someone is neglecting their responsibilities. I love my neice and she called me dad and my wife mom. I was furious with my brother going months without talking to her. I personally realised part of my anger came from fear. Fear that they would get their lives together, which they did ,and I would loose my place in my nieces heart. I'm not saying your feelings are coming from the same place but it wouldn't be a bad idea to look inward and ask God if that's where some of the problem is.
If we're being good step parents we will be doing all of the work and getting none of the credit. You're right. Your step daughter needs to know her birth mom and ultimately whatever bitterness you harbor or road blocks you throw up will come back to haunt you in a diminished relationship with your step daughter.
If you want to have a good relationship with the girl then give her enthusiastic permission to be a good daughter to you both. The relief she will feel in not having to be disloyal to either her mother or her mom will be one of the greatest gifts you can give her.
Maybe try to incubate a real feeling of pity for the birth mom.
What kind of hippy free wandering foolishness has caused her to miss out on the jewel who is now your daughter.
Surely a woman who can go against the natural maternal instinct must have a very broken/deceived spirit.
Try to never speak ill of her in front of your daughter as this will only hurt your daughter's heart.
Focus on the positive qualities of this person and ask our Father to give you a double measure of forgiveness for her. I'm sure your anger is born out of your love for your daughter but it does not serve her.
The L-rd will repay the years which the locusts have eaten...
I agree with never speaking I'll of her birth mom in front of her. I don't want my daughter seeing any blemish in her birth mom. I know her birth mom loves her in her own way and that she does try. I am just having issue letting go. I tend to hold grudges even though it dies me no good. I really need to focus on what god aeea of this situation and show her kindness and forgiveness. That's going to take alot for me to do but I can do it
oh I posted I think at the same time as you were adding more information... I may not have been able to write what I wrote had I known all of that... I think it may still be true though... but tougher to implement...
May G-d give you strength to act rightly
Thank u so much for ur words of encouragement. I completely agree with u. Showing any sign of distance or distain toward her is bad for me, my relationship with my daughter, my relationship with my husband and my walk with god.
I had a similar problem with my brother and his exwife. It's hard to to have compassion when someone is neglecting their responsibilities. I love my neice and she called me dad and Jessica mom. I was furious with my brother going months without talking to her. I personally realised part of my anger came from fear. Fear that they would get their lives together, which they did ,and I would loose my place in my nieces heart. I'm not saying your feelings are coming from the same place but it wouldn't be a bad idea to look inward and ask God if that's where some of the problem is.
Oh that is exactly where these feelings are coming from. I'm afraid of losing my little girl. I worry that a day will come where she will look at me and say I want my real mom not u. It is a big fear of mine.
If we're being good step parents we will be doing all of the work and getting none of the credit. You're right. Your step daughter needs to know her birth mom and ultimately whatever bitterness you harbor or road blocks you throw up will come back to haunt you in a diminished relationship with your step daughter.
If you want to have a good relationship with the girl then give her enthusiastic permission to be a good daughter to you both. The relief she will feel in not having to be disloyal to either her mother or her mom will be one of the greatest gifts you can give her.
I just want Leila to know that I love her as if she were my own. I will love her for the rest of my life. I want her to know that I'm here for her through anything and everything
Oh that is exactly where these feelings are coming from. I'm afraid of losing my little girl. I worry that a day will come where she will look at me and say I want my real mom not u. It is a big fear of mine.
I remember the day my neice went to live with my brothers exwife. It broke my heart, almost as much as the first time she called me Uncle Kevin. The fear of her saying I dont want you i want my real mommy. Unfortunitly that day will come, shes going to be a teenager sooner or later. The important thing is we love them and always be there for them. That's what they'll remember when their older.
I remember the day my neice went to live with my brothers exwife. It broke my heart, almost as much as the first time she called me Uncle Kevin. The fear of her saying I dont want you i want my real mommy. Unfortunitly that day will come, shes going to be a teenager sooner or later. The important thing is we love them and always be there for them. That's what they'll remember when their older.
I love her so much. Have gone through a miscarriage before and haven't had any of my own kids so she is my whole world. And I don't want to lose her. I have dealt with so much hurt in my past. I have put up so many walls so that I don't get hurt again and it never works
I just want Leila to know that I love her as if she were my own. I will love her for the rest of my life. I want her to know that I'm here for her through anything and everything
I get that . I have three step daughters who I love like they're my own but they're not my own. If I really love them, and I do, then I have to act like their dad behind the scenes. They'll appreciate it one day but for now I'm like a referee. If I'm doing my job right no one will realize I'm doing it.
The payout for being a step parent is huge, but is very delayed. She'll know you love her when she's grown. All of the care, the selfless and hidden service will become visible in a few short years. You can't fake or force a mother/daughter relationship. And you shouldn't try. Be a great step mom (which I'm sure you are) and the rest will take care of itself, eventually.
We had just lost our daughter Crystal when my neice came to stay with us. I might not completely know your pain but I understand it. You see Leila for the blessing she is, just as we see our three children. We all carry wounds. The adversary wins when we let them define us or let them create vows for us. Each of those walls is a vow to never let this happen again or never do that again. The adversary thrives on our wounds because they keep us seperated from the Fruits of the Holy Spirit. So he uses those vows against us. His greatest weapon against us is fear. Lucky for us, God did not give us the spirit of fear.
Proverbs 18:10
The name of the LORD is a strong tower: The righteous runs into it, and is safe.
Keep pressing into the Lord
Mathew 11:28-38
28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
I get that . I have three step daughters who I love like they're my own but they're not my own. If I really love them, and I do, then I have to act like their dad behind the scenes. They'll appreciate it one day but for now I'm like a referee. If I'm doing my job right no one will realize I'm doing it.
The payout for being a step parent is huge, but is very delayed. She'll know you love her when she's grown. All of the care, the selfless and hidden service will become visible in a few short years. You can't fake or force a mother/daughter relationship. And you shouldn't try. Be a great step mom (which I'm sure you are) and the rest will take care of itself, eventually.
She is so important to me. In the long run I just want her to be happy. So I see what ur saying. Though it hurts. I never thought that being a step parent would be so rewarding but hurt at the same time
We had just lost our daughter Crystal when my neice came to stay with us. I might not completely know your pain but I understand it. You see Leila for the blessing she is, just as we see our three children. We all carry wounds. The adversary wins when we let them define us or let them create vows for us. Each of those walls is a vow to never let this happen again or never do that again. The adversary thrives on our wounds because they keep us seperated from the Fruits of the Holy Spirit. So he uses those vows against us. His greatest weapon against us is fear. Lucky for us, God did not give us the spirit of fear.
Proverbs 18:10
The name of the LORD is a strong tower: The righteous runs into it, and is safe.
Keep pressing into the Lord
Mathew 11:28-38
28 Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.”
Been there, bought some land and set up a homestead for awhile. There's no difference between not trying and failing. When I got out the Army I was terrified of being a civilian. Long story short I ended up spending 2 years on our farm leaving maybe a dozen times because I was afraid of not being able to properly interact with people. During those 2 years I failed everyone, My wife, my children, myself, and God. All because I let fear convince me not to try.
Galatians 1:10
Am I now trying to win the approval of people or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be the Messiah's servant.
Fear of failure goes hand in hand with our fear of how others will perceive us. The good thing about fear is when He guides us to over come it, He is glorified.
I have a couple questions, observations, points of view, etc. I come from a "broken " home and over the years have had several step-dads until the last one whom i call Dad and always will.
What does your husband say in all of this? Unless i skipped it, i see nothing in here about his position in this.
I disagree with the sentiment that your daughter needs her birth mom in her life. She really doesn't. If, when she gets older, she wants to go find her birth-mom, then great. But right now, she is still highly impressionable. She needs you and your husband to be mom and dad, not this other lady that keeps floating in and out of her life like a leaf on the breeze.
If your husband has sole custody, why does he allow her back in whenever she wants?
it's ok (not good, just 'ok') to not want to say anything bad about her birth mom, but you do need to tell the truth when it's relevant, and not the sugar-coated kind either.
Look at it this way: if you keep telling her that her birth mom loves her and cares for her but then sees what she's doing, she is going to associate "this is what good moms who love and care for their kids do, they leave them with other people". That's not ok. She needs to learn that this is not what good moms do. Good moms stick around and are there when you need them. Good moms get things done and show their daughters how to get things done. Good moms are like you, not that other lady.
