I am curious about the relationships that Children have with the "other" wives, and their siblings. I wonder about childcare issues and discipline and all other areas that children are involved in a family. Anyone have any insights?
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Children
- Thread starter sweetlissa
- Start date
Elkanah2008
New Member
I deal with this in my file/document "UrbanBlueCollarPoly" and "Successful Poly" at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Poly_Poly ... _And_Jesus.
Social anthropologists and myself believe that each wife should have her own dwelling, or at least her own bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. This gives the children of each wife a safe place to hang out together away from others. The Soc Anthros have found that school age children are the source of major problems for poly families, so it is recommended that if you have school age children, the wives' dwellings should be far enough apart so that the kids of each wife goes to a school different from the kids of the other poly wives. Each of my ladies live in different towns. In large cities, I recommend that no two wives with children live in the same zipcode area. Homeschooling can be a whole different ball game, especially if one wife becomes the designated homeschool teacher while the other wives go to work outside of the home.
One wife could become the designated childcare provider while the other wives go to work or appointments.
Discipline should be done only by the child's father or mother. The other wives should report misconduct to the child's mother and father and let them handle it. If the children are in a childcare or homeschooling situation where one of the wives is providing the service, discipline procedures should be worked out between the mother of the child and the wife providign the service. Pray for wisdom and act decisively when all agree on it.
Social anthropologists and myself believe that each wife should have her own dwelling, or at least her own bedroom, bathroom and kitchen. This gives the children of each wife a safe place to hang out together away from others. The Soc Anthros have found that school age children are the source of major problems for poly families, so it is recommended that if you have school age children, the wives' dwellings should be far enough apart so that the kids of each wife goes to a school different from the kids of the other poly wives. Each of my ladies live in different towns. In large cities, I recommend that no two wives with children live in the same zipcode area. Homeschooling can be a whole different ball game, especially if one wife becomes the designated homeschool teacher while the other wives go to work outside of the home.
One wife could become the designated childcare provider while the other wives go to work or appointments.
Discipline should be done only by the child's father or mother. The other wives should report misconduct to the child's mother and father and let them handle it. If the children are in a childcare or homeschooling situation where one of the wives is providing the service, discipline procedures should be worked out between the mother of the child and the wife providign the service. Pray for wisdom and act decisively when all agree on it.
Well, as someone who's raised small children in plural marriage, and spent many years in both separate houses and single houses, I'll have to disagree. Strongly. I know the "two houses" approach is common in Africa, but, usually the houses are a few steps from each other. What you describe here is basically "two (or more) families" - and if that works for you, that's your right, and your business. But that would not work for me, or my children, and I think it never allows for the for the learning of the true "selflessness" that polygamy can bring about (a very painful process for many of us, admittedly.) Perhaps what you describe is the equivalent of very separate denominations in the Body of Christ - it may be necessary currently with our limited understanding, but I've got to think it wouldn't be God's first choice for his family - and it's not mine. I want ONE family, one location, constant gathering together (though 2 kitchens, and some very separate living space, may make life easier for some - us included!)
I'm with Nathan on this one as well. Two kitchens is a Very Good Thing; admittedly difficult to find under a single roof in most cases. Two separate houses, on a lot with room to grow some crops, and a nice common area in between, thus seems like a close to ideal situation IMHO.
I tend to agree with Nathan. After all I would hope to have one big family and not two separate ones. Having dinner and family time together would be nice. The kids would hang out together too, like in any other family. The separate kitchen idea, if the wives wish, is reasonable in my opinion. I know when I try to do something in the kitchen here, my wife is very particular about where and how things are kept. lol So, it's not worth the extra stress if another kitchen is preferred. Besides, when we have guests, more things can be prepared. lol
From my perspective, there would be ONE big house to maintain, insure, one mortgage, one set of bills etc.. Oh, and only one big yard to take care of.
With the money and time saved the family could do many other things that would benefit everyone. We could set up and meet more family goals. I think duplication is kind of wasteful, especially if the family is not very wealthy.
This is just a practical ideal view..
From my perspective, there would be ONE big house to maintain, insure, one mortgage, one set of bills etc.. Oh, and only one big yard to take care of.
With the money and time saved the family could do many other things that would benefit everyone. We could set up and meet more family goals. I think duplication is kind of wasteful, especially if the family is not very wealthy.This is just a practical ideal view..
single1looking4luv
New Member
Hi I'm Ted:
Recently joined a few days ago, and a Polygamist to be.
I agree to one part, but disagree to another.
Here's my agreement:
Each sister wife should if thy choose,have their own place, where they can met with the childen they have. Whether it be a dy room, or sitting room, yet have some type of slepping area provided. BUT, they would still have the choice on occasion of haveing access to the MAIN room, known as the Master Bedroom.
Here's where I disagree:
Seperate houses, leans more towards the practice of Monogamy, insted of Polygamy. And since I support Polygamy, i could not support that. As the gentleman had stated previously, and I agree; it would defeat the purpose of bieng one big family.
I also don't see why the need for more than one kitchen. I have plans of building my dream house soon. And for anyone like me who wnats to have their home built, if done properly, the kitchen could be built suitable to a Polygamy Lifetyle, where everyone works together as a big family unit. A large non-industrial sized Chefs kitchen would work. It don't have to look likea resteraunts kitchen, but the size in itself would promote the sister-wvies in working wit each other, on a dailey basis.
Recently joined a few days ago, and a Polygamist to be.
I agree to one part, but disagree to another.
Here's my agreement:
Each sister wife should if thy choose,have their own place, where they can met with the childen they have. Whether it be a dy room, or sitting room, yet have some type of slepping area provided. BUT, they would still have the choice on occasion of haveing access to the MAIN room, known as the Master Bedroom.
Here's where I disagree:
Seperate houses, leans more towards the practice of Monogamy, insted of Polygamy. And since I support Polygamy, i could not support that. As the gentleman had stated previously, and I agree; it would defeat the purpose of bieng one big family.
I also don't see why the need for more than one kitchen. I have plans of building my dream house soon. And for anyone like me who wnats to have their home built, if done properly, the kitchen could be built suitable to a Polygamy Lifetyle, where everyone works together as a big family unit. A large non-industrial sized Chefs kitchen would work. It don't have to look likea resteraunts kitchen, but the size in itself would promote the sister-wvies in working wit each other, on a dailey basis.
We have been a 'poly' family for seven years now. At one time we all lived together in one house - but, due to job losses and some other changes we have had to live in two separte houses (10 miles apart) for several years. Living totally separate has been harder on everyone. So, we are building an adjoining house to our existing house (the one I live at - which is in the country) and there is going to be a "Great Room" in between the two for everyone to spend time together as a family - a sort of huge 'Dining/Den' area (where meals can be served and eaten together - games played - bible study and worship time, etc). -- but, yes, separate kitchens. I believe whether two kitchens are needed or not is an individual matter - it is just what works best for us. Other than that everyone needs to have some of their "own space", children included. We hope to have the main part of the second house finished before school starts again this fall.
I do agree that the "birth" mother (as well as the father, of course) is mainly responsible for her own children, but when they are in the care of the other - discipline (in a method agreeable to all) is handled by one they are with. Children are very accepting (esp in a loving environment) and although they like most to be with their mother they spend time at my house quite often - and are treated no differently than if they were my own (my seven are all grown - 21 and up -- but, I also have a 13yr. old granddaughter we have raised from birth so she is like my own, too).
We do enjoy doing things as an entire family, too - all 8 of us -- like last Sunday we all went to the zoo together - and last night we went to a "Family, Faith, and Freedom" celebration at a local stadium -- with "blown up" jumping stations, slides and the like for the little ones -- contemporary christian concert and awesome fireworks (that has kind of become tradition for us - this being the fourth year of going!) After all -- if being in this lifestyle isn't about being a FAMILY - then what's the purpose?! :?
Shari
I do agree that the "birth" mother (as well as the father, of course) is mainly responsible for her own children, but when they are in the care of the other - discipline (in a method agreeable to all) is handled by one they are with. Children are very accepting (esp in a loving environment) and although they like most to be with their mother they spend time at my house quite often - and are treated no differently than if they were my own (my seven are all grown - 21 and up -- but, I also have a 13yr. old granddaughter we have raised from birth so she is like my own, too).
We do enjoy doing things as an entire family, too - all 8 of us -- like last Sunday we all went to the zoo together - and last night we went to a "Family, Faith, and Freedom" celebration at a local stadium -- with "blown up" jumping stations, slides and the like for the little ones -- contemporary christian concert and awesome fireworks (that has kind of become tradition for us - this being the fourth year of going!) After all -- if being in this lifestyle isn't about being a FAMILY - then what's the purpose?! :?
Shari
Shari,
You are so often a voice of wisdom. I am so thankful that you are posting on this board now. What a wealth of love and understanding you have to share.
Our family is so close to being together and yet so far away. We hope to have solid plans tomorrow but we will see. However, we have made a lot of decisions about our space. We have decided we need one big kitchen. I love to cook, but am mostly a weekend warrior when it comes to that. Theresa is the chef and she has chosen to be our homemaker. So she will design the kitchen (or choose it if we find the right house). We will each have our own space but our plan is to have a huge work room that would serve as office/craft/work/play space. DaPastor loves to paint. We all use our computers, I play the violin and sew. T likes crafting. We all read. So this space would be "together space". DaPastor wants a library, Theresa and I will have our own retreat style rooms to "retreat" to when we desire quiet.
We have done a lot of things together as a family. That is one thing we do like to do. T and I traveled to the Charlotte retreat together. It was memorable because we talked for 5 hours straight. Neither of us even opened the books we had packed. When we go out together as a family, T says she likes it because she knows someone else is watching the kids as closely as she does. And she knows that if she leaves them in my care for a few days, that I will take as good care of them as she does. Cause we both think alike in those areas.
One of the biggest goals we can have as a family is to always include everyone. Of course there are always "private times" but mostly we are a family. As such, no one should ever feel left out or excluded. None of us like to be alone. One of the amazing things about polygamy is that you never have to be alone unless you choose to. And when you stop choosing to be alone, there is your family with open arms waiting for you.
Shari, thank you for being so encouraging.
You are so often a voice of wisdom. I am so thankful that you are posting on this board now. What a wealth of love and understanding you have to share.
Our family is so close to being together and yet so far away. We hope to have solid plans tomorrow but we will see. However, we have made a lot of decisions about our space. We have decided we need one big kitchen. I love to cook, but am mostly a weekend warrior when it comes to that. Theresa is the chef and she has chosen to be our homemaker. So she will design the kitchen (or choose it if we find the right house). We will each have our own space but our plan is to have a huge work room that would serve as office/craft/work/play space. DaPastor loves to paint. We all use our computers, I play the violin and sew. T likes crafting. We all read. So this space would be "together space". DaPastor wants a library, Theresa and I will have our own retreat style rooms to "retreat" to when we desire quiet.
We have done a lot of things together as a family. That is one thing we do like to do. T and I traveled to the Charlotte retreat together. It was memorable because we talked for 5 hours straight. Neither of us even opened the books we had packed. When we go out together as a family, T says she likes it because she knows someone else is watching the kids as closely as she does. And she knows that if she leaves them in my care for a few days, that I will take as good care of them as she does. Cause we both think alike in those areas.
One of the biggest goals we can have as a family is to always include everyone. Of course there are always "private times" but mostly we are a family. As such, no one should ever feel left out or excluded. None of us like to be alone. One of the amazing things about polygamy is that you never have to be alone unless you choose to. And when you stop choosing to be alone, there is your family with open arms waiting for you.
Shari, thank you for being so encouraging.
I have a question for those of you who have raised children together. What is your relationship with the children of your sisterwife. DaPastor and I were wondering if his 3 sons would be considered my stepchildren? Wondered if his grandchildren are mine in any way but love. Any thoughts?
Lissa
Lissa
Tlaloc
Member
Opening with 'social anthropologists and I agree' is a big red light for me that made it unsurprising when no one else agreed with the principles of elk08.
My wife and I ultimately plan to get an acreage with lots of space for all of us, but one household in the end. I can understand the ideal of two kitchens. But I'm once again lucky, I'm the best cook and I prepare most of the cuisine! No need for two kitchens for us either. Still, we will have to live and learn about how we manage space when we find a second wife, there will probably be other things that we do to provide personal space for everyone.
Of course, Elk must have been talking about being covert in case of prosecution in some of the mentioned suggestions. Those points are moot for us as we are in Canada where the chance of prosecution is roughly 0 (As a Judge has publicly refused to prosecute the only open case for decades)
My wife and I ultimately plan to get an acreage with lots of space for all of us, but one household in the end. I can understand the ideal of two kitchens. But I'm once again lucky, I'm the best cook and I prepare most of the cuisine! No need for two kitchens for us either. Still, we will have to live and learn about how we manage space when we find a second wife, there will probably be other things that we do to provide personal space for everyone.
Of course, Elk must have been talking about being covert in case of prosecution in some of the mentioned suggestions. Those points are moot for us as we are in Canada where the chance of prosecution is roughly 0 (As a Judge has publicly refused to prosecute the only open case for decades)
I agree with the one-home system. However, I would say the two homes system of polygyny is not without its place. There are many men who, because of what they do, spend their lives in two geographically separate locations. In such a case I would say that he should have a wife and family in each place. That would be much better than the solution under monogamy... a mistress, prostitutes, or girlfriends in the second location.
It's very unlikely you would spend money to take your family with you constantly like that (unless you've got really deep pockets). It's also not a very good idea to take one wife with you and leave the other wife or wives and all the children at home. So, in this case the two-homes system fits. It's a pro/con trade-off... but then it's a family's choice.
It's very unlikely you would spend money to take your family with you constantly like that (unless you've got really deep pockets). It's also not a very good idea to take one wife with you and leave the other wife or wives and all the children at home. So, in this case the two-homes system fits. It's a pro/con trade-off... but then it's a family's choice.
CecilW said:
His place is outside with either a grill or a large fire, cookin' oldschool. He's a man. He can skip the girlie stuff and get on down to business. He don't need no fancy kitchen.
And if you're treading on eggshells, there's a communication problem. Face issues head on and pour on love and strength in a husbandly manner, and such will not last long. (I've been told by my ex-wife and other girls that I make it impossible for them to stay mad at me. I find it interesting that they act upset about that.)
I don't know about other people, but in our house, although T is going to be the owner of the kitchen, hubby and I are always welcome, to help or to take over for a meal. We actually will establish a system so that no one person is overburdened with kitchen duties. I love to cook, I just don't like to have to do it every day. There will be no problem if T calls someday while I am on my way home or on a Saturday and says, "Hey, can you take care of dinner tonight?" And although hubby doesn't cook, he is always welcome to slice, dice and clean and he runs a mean barbeque grill.
I believe that while a woman typically owns the kitchen, no one should ever feel afraid to go in there. It is part of the house and the house belongs to everyone. Right?
SweetLissa
I believe that while a woman typically owns the kitchen, no one should ever feel afraid to go in there. It is part of the house and the house belongs to everyone. Right?
SweetLissa