CecilW

[CecilW]

Access Comments on CecilW here.

Since I'm asking other folks to post their stories, it only seems fair to post my own. However, I'm in a very odd state, at the moment.

I am living Single at the moment. Blessed with the love of two wonderful women over the years, but …

One left over PM after 21 years of marriage, though we remain close and loving friends. She got a divorce in which I did not participate, and has not remarried, so I claim her still. But that's a story for later.

Sometime later, the second wife entered my life. Though theoretically accepting of PM, and friends with many people on this site, she recently left for somewhat more complicated reasons, which are mainly her story to tell or not, not mine. But we are still legally married, and do still love each other.

I hope and pray for reconciliation with both, but also respect their right to choose. In the meantime, I pray for God to bring someone into my life to share it on a day to day basis, whether one or both of them, or someone else.

So where should I post my story? Single? Family with one wife? Family with two or more? Phooey on it! Take the middle of the road. Here's my story!

1961 - 1974

I got borneded.

Dad a Seventh-day Adventist pastor, Mom a skilled church musician and music teacher. Grandparents on one side were missionaries in the Philippines. Grandparents on the other side missionaries in China before WWII.

Enough of the family tree, except to say that I come from a lo-o-ong line of dead people. Oh, and to say that I grew up in a very religious environment heavily leaning towards teaching that we must get our doctrine solely from the Bible. Notice that I say, "teaching". The practice has turned out to be a good deal more iffy, but too late! I bought into it hook, line, and sinker!

My career as a womanizer began at age 4. Or was it 3? Regardless, I distinctly remember riding my tricycle down the block to visit my "girlfriend", and waiting in the entryway for her to come down the stairs. Envision the movies where the guy arrives to take his girlfriend to the prom. Yup. Except 3 or 4 years old! That's my memory.

Got engaged for the first time at age 5. Oh, make no mistake. I was very serious about it all. Girl named Linda, in Hinkley, MN. And if she shows up on this site, and recognizes me from this story (I went by Bobby then), I will have a total conniption! Especially since I'm gonna confess that we kissed in the church stairwell on our way down to potluck. And I didn't have her Daddy's permission! She broke up with me 2 years later, and it HURT!

In time, we moved away from Minnesota to California. I fell in and out of love again. Still care about the girls involved, and have occasional contact with one.

My Dad left the ministry involuntarily, but that's his story. He and my Mom split, but that's largely theirs. My part is that, like many kids (and particularly eldest kids), I got placed in the middle with both parents ... you either got the picture or not, but I don't wanna belabor it.

Salient points:

I was a very earnest kid, and was really into the God thing. But I asked a LOT of questions! Like, "Why don't we speak in tongues?" and "When did it become a sin to have more than one wife?" and "Where does the Bible say that specific rhythms or chord sequences or tempos are wrong? Or even dancing?" and "How come God talks about putting jewelry on His wife if wearing it is wrong?" Got lots of party-line answers, but I did notice that they were kinda short on Bible taken in context, so was never really satisfied.

I never did go through the proverbial "Girls are yucky" stage. Did go through a stage where they intimidated me a bit, but that's not the same thing.

And I was DETERMINED that I would become a better husband and father than my Dad had been, so around age 10 began reading everything I could get my hands on (It was rather limited back then) on dating and marriage. Young, and weird, but true!

The summer I was 11, while visiting relatives of relatives in Wisconsin, I had, well, two girlfriends at once. Sisters. I distinctly remember walking through a forest on a logging trail, holding hands with both at once, and being so happy I could pop! But the visit ended. Nonetheless, the experience stuck in my head and kept one of the above questions very much alive.

In 1974, I graduated 8th grade in Modesto, CA. There, the whole class might go over to someone's house for a pool party after school. We fellas would get a girl on our shoulders and have pony fights. Good clean fun, and comfortable with each other.

Then everything changed...

 

[CecilW]

Access Comments on CecilW here.

1974 - 1980

The summer of ’74, fresh out of 8th grade, with all the arrogance of a real teenaged pain-in-the-behind, I left home for the summer and, working with a band of much older young people, spent the summer selling religious “magabooks” house to house in the San Fransisco bay area to earn money for school. While quite an experience, it’s not too very relevant to ths story except to emphasize the following:

At an early age, around 5-7, a parental comment formed a strong driving force in my young life. I heard my parents and their friends discussing the soon return of Jesus and saying how they just didn’t think that “time could last much longer.” In fact, I heard, it was doubtful that it would last long enough for ME to grow up and have a family, etc. Probably before I was 20.

Somehow, that morphed into the idea that if I wanted to do the fun, important stuff here on earth, before we all split for Heaven, (Be a colporteur, and a missionary, go to college, build houses, get married) I’d better get it done by the time I was 20!

You can see the “colporteur” portion here at age 13. But we’re just getting started. Read on …

At the end of the summer, my mother and I moved to a small boarding academy in eastern Tennessee, where she was to teach music, and I was to obtain a high school education.

In many ways, it was great! We attended school half a day and worked at one of a variety of jobs (changing quarterly) half a day. I built houses, made sorghum molasses, drove a tractor on a garbage route, split firewood and fence rails, ran a greenhouse, wiped butts in a nursing home (ok, that job sucked eggs!), worked in a cannery, etc.

And when the school ruled that I could not bring one of those immoral rock-n-roll bass guitars onto campus, I simply played a sousaphone as though it were a bass guitar, much to the general amusement of the more savvy students.

But I took off for summer jobs. On an evangelistic team at 14, construction at 15, youth pastor at 16. That was good.

There were only two real flies in the ointment.

One was that, with the above driving forces at work in my little self, I wanted to get through high school in 3 years. But the school was determined to hold me back, as that would mean I’d go to college at 16 and, in their opinion, that would be too young for that social scene. However, that was neatly circumvented, in that I took my summer earnings and purchased correspondence high school classes and finished anyway. So THERE! *big grin*

The other “fly” was a different story. Un-huh! Assigned seating on a time by time basis in the cafeteria designed to ensure you did NOT sit with any female of whom the staff suspected you might be becoming fond. On Sabbath afternoon walks, a staff member would watch with a jaundiced eye, and make you change conversational partners every few minutes. Why, even between classes, a staff member would be watching and, if you were so unwise as to be noticed talking to the same girl too frequently, would inform you in no uncertain terms that you needed to talk with someone else.

And going swimming together? Ri-i-i-ight! Never happen. Why, even to work outside, girls had to wear dresses, or a top called a “tunic” made from a specific pattern, over pants, which came down past the crotch.

Not so easy for a highly Testosterone Poisoned teenaged male from Modesto! *sigh*

Wanna guess who kept asking questions? Making fools of the faculty from the same extra-Biblical books that they held in such high regard? Ended up digging stumps for punishment with a pick and shovel? Got in more trouble for dressing for effective work rather than extreme modesty? *sigh*

However, despite it all … by age 15, I was jaded on the subject of romance. TIRED of falling in love, getting heart broken, doing it all over again. So I decided to, well, decide who was the best girl I knew and pursue her until we either married or she married someone else.

After some thought, I settled on the young lady who became my first wife.

Not very romantic, you say? Well, no. We called each other “best enemies”, and fought like siblings. Why, folks who didn’t know us thought we were! But I told God that since she was the best girl I knew, that it was up to Him to put love for her within me, and THAT was a prayer He definitely answered. I’m here to tell you that when He does something, it is DONE! I love her still.

However, it took 4 years to get our relationship changed, and get her to an alter. In the meantime, …

My last year at this *shudder* school, she often worked a night shift at the nursing home on Friday nights. Since I lived at home on campus, instead of in the dorm, it wasn’t too hard to sneak out with my guitar after my Mom went to bed, go over there, and hang out a good share of the night. The actual charge nurse was a bit more practical than the rest of the faculty, and we were always in plain sight at the nurses’ station, and nothing “untoward” was going on, and she just never told. To the rest of the faculty, we remained best enemies.

I did go to college at age 16. A year later, with 1.5 year’s worth of credits, I took some time off to go to Korea to teach ESL (English as a Second Language). Preached an evangelistic series. Witnessed to Buddhist monks and business people and students, played piano for services. Traveled. Had adventures. Then spent another school year teaching high school English in Taiwan.

Throughout this time, I remained determined to marry my best enemy. However, I also fell deeply in love with 2 young ladies in Korea. That really tore my heart out. I stayed with my earlier decision, and don’t regret doing so (never doubt that!), but … I still cry inside at times, and pray for them both, and wonder what might have been … *sigh* Why has the church stayed with this pagan Monogamy As Ideal doctrine?

That year in Taiwan, my best enemy now turned fiancée taught elementary school in Palau (an island nation in the Pacific between Guam and the Philippines). At the end of it, we both traveled to Manila and married on the church compound where my dad grew up. The wedding was performed by my grandfather’s houseboy, now a high church official. Very romantic. In many ways, it seemed as though my life truly began that day in May of 1980. Still does. *sad smile*

We honey mooned in the mountains at Baguio in the same cabins where my dad summered as a child. Then in the Hospital after our bus went off a road into a creek, then returned to the States for more College.

Adding it all up? By the time I was 20 …

 

[CecilW]

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1980 - 2000

By the time I was 20, I’d DONE everything I wanted to do in life! Hadn’t ever created any life-time plan or ambitions, goals, etc. After all, we were going to heaven sometime around here! And I’d got done what I wanted to here on earth. So, Come ON, Lord Jesus!

(long pause) … Now what?

Coming back to the States was more culture shock than going overseas, and my parents were still fighting, and after a year we went back overseas to Guam. I taught and wrote software and tuned pianos and sired 2 children. Yes, of course, both with my best-enemy-now-darling-wife-with-whom-I-was-madly-in-love.

Then we came back to the US, settled in Reedsport, Oregon, built a very large house partway on the coolest lot in town (didn’t have money to complete it, though it woulda been ample if I’da been smart enough to build what I could finish, rather than as much as I could get under cover. *sigh* But it WAS incredibly awesome!)

Along the way, we adopted 2 children from the Marshall Islands (another island chain in the Pacific), hosted an exchange student from Japan, and fostered a whole bunch of kids, both inside and outside of “the system”. Sometimes their parents stayed as well. We had, I thought, a pretty ideal marriage.

Of course, the religious adventures continued as well. More preaching. Music composition and performance -- sometimes to the acute discomfort of the older folks. Started a church school and a bus ministry. Was involved with Promise Keepers. I’m here to tell you that, like Paul, I was a Pharisee of the Pharisees – diligent for the Lord’s work and quite impressed with myself. (Let me interject that one of the effects of studying PM and God's plan for society has been to strip away that self satisfaction!)

Of course, I still asked uncomfortable questions, and often bothered folks, but not too much. I read all kinds of stuff, and came to describe myself as a Sufi Charismatic Taoist Objectivist almost Amish Seventh-day Adventist Christian (Which is enough, if understood, to twist most folks’ heads into a pretzel! *grin*)

Interestingly, while I tried to stick with the party line, and made jokes about the Mormons, etc. PM kept coming up.

My favorite shocker joke was to off-handedly comment that “Wives are wonderful creatures! EVERYBODY oughta have 2 or 3!” (It seemed funny at the time… *hanging head* I was YOUNG. –er…)

The one source of friction between my darling and I (from MY point of view. Hers? I was prolly a mess in lots of ways …), I occasionally thought about as being easily solved if PM was acceptable, and I had a second wife. In fact, a couple of her close friends had become single …

An uncle who I highly respected entered into a long-term relationship with a woman not my aunt. Got kicked out of the church for it. Didn’t leave my aunt, just spent time both places. She refused to divorce him, despite being told she must. His kids were furious. I wrote and told him that, so far as I could tell, he was honoring his commitments to both women, was Biblically married to both, and I respected him even more.

I found out that on the other side of my family, my dad’s cousin divorced his wife and married her best friend, but would still go spend time with his first wife, apparently with his new wife’s blessing. They remained friends. Hmmm.

One of my own cousins quietly tried PM for a while. Later told me that it was pretty sensational, right up until his wife, um, wives, decided that they didn’t really need HIM, and ran off together. He eventually remarried and, last I was in contact, was swearing that PM just COULD NOT work.

All this below the surface, in just MY family, in the stodgy Seventh-day Adventist church.

In the fall of ’96, my own frustration over the one troubling area in our marriage reached a point that I gave God an ultimatum (something I don’t normally recommend!), to take a hand and FIX IT, or I would exit the marriage. God waited a few months to see if I meant it, then did indeed take action.

3 things more or less happened at once – we got some really good counseling, I ran across really good books and cassettes entitled “Light His Fire” and “Light Her Fire”, by Kreidman, and we read Mars and Venus books by John Grey.

Uh-oh! The Mars and Venus books were great! But I noticed some relational problems for which Grey, an avowed monogamist, just did NOT have good solutions, but which it seemed would be handily solved by PM.

Then that fall, ’97, my daughter told me of a Bible class at school in which the teacher had discussed and admitted that having multiple wives was nowhere condemned in Scripture. Of course, there being no danger of it actually disrupting HER family, that was cool! A bit radical. A bit safely rebellious to espouse such a thing. I think she was a bit surprised to hear me agreeing so calmly.

Finally, through a chain of events, I realized that I did very much love a second woman as well as my wife. In fact, I thought back over the years we had been together, and some of the single women who had stayed with us or other family members, and concluded deep inside that the reason they had moved on was because what they truly needed was a HUSBAND, not just a hospitable temporary host family.

One day in January of ’98, a little voice inside my head said, “It’s TIME! Find out the truth about PM. Look it up on the internet!”

I did. WOW! Talk about an exploding perspective! My focus changed within an incredibly short time from meeting a man’s “needs” to relationship, and headship, and what the Bible truly said on the subject. WOW!

I met some poly people, including Weltan, Nathan7, JulieB, and a few other of BF's current members. Became involved with a couple of PM friendly Christian organizations – one still in existence, one defunct.

I was so incredulous over what was presented that I prepared great packets of printed web pages, and talked to pastors, evangelists, Bible professors, and relatives. Yes indeedy! Started getting some of them downright irritated when they observed that for every one of their objections, I had a Biblical answer, usually with additional history thrown in. On my part, I thought that was the very definition of a good theological stance, rather than having all the Biblical loose ends flapping in the breeze!

Still, the marriage was going well … right up until I announced, at a very GUY moment (but NOT a gal one, I learned ) that I wanted another wife.

No-one specific, mind you. And since I saw all these benefits to BOTH of us, I’d convinced myself that the news would be received joyfully. NOT!

I will gloss over the next few months, except to say that I reached a point where I was prepared to abandon the whole topic due to the pain it caused my wife, but received a personal vision that convinced me to continue.

Changes were also taking place in my life as I saw a need to improve my game as a husband. My wife saw these changes, and heartily approved of them, but said that if they came at the price of accepting PM, no way.

I wasn’t courting anyone, particularly, but was fairly involved in the Christian PM community over her objections.

Eventually, in early 2000, she and our pastor laid an ultimatum on me to recant this new belief. I replied that I’d be delighted to, as soon as I was provided with definitive Biblical proof that it was wrong, since it is never safe to turn one’s back on Biblical truth, once revealed. As we all know, that was impossible, and my wife … left. Separated. Took the kids.

… and my life ended.

 

[CecilW]

Access Comments on CecilW here.

2000 - Present

Well, not quite, but it seemed like it.

I hobbled along for 16 months, hoping and pushing for our relationship to resume, until she concluded that since I showed no signs of recanting, she was obliged to turn up the heat by divorcing me. As with many men, this threw me into a complete tailspin.

What kept me sane? The Christian PM community, and CMA (the Christian Motorcyclists Assn). I grew my hair and a beard, got an old bike. Prayed a lot. Studied the Bible a lot. Got disfellowshipped. Helped a pastor move an abused woman and her children out of their home, literally, in the middle of the night, while her abusive husband was at work on a night shift. Got kicked out of CMA by a misguided and highly biased “apostle”. Did I mention “prayed a lot”?

By the end of 2002, things were pretty interesting. That big unfinished home of mine? Had a patriarchal Christian family living in it, while I lived in a travel trailer in my own driveway. They had moved in with husband, 4 wives, a girlfriend who rented a house 2 doors down, and assorted kids.

What’s more the family was falling apart. One wife left, the husband had a heart attack (but lived), 2 more wives were planning to leave, and the girlfriend was pretty disenchanted. There were financial challenges. But that stuff is their story.

Me? I was heart broken over this family coming apart, and begged God to tell me why this was happening on my watch, so to speak – while they were in MY home and town. Our gracious God even answered, and said that in His foreknowledge, He knew that this family was about to come apart anyway, so He had brought them to a place of safety for it to occur. This made sense, in that where I lived had great services available for the women and children, and it did all turn out as well as could reasonably be hoped under the circumstances.

In the meantime, however, I had pretty much reached a place of peace with my singleness, and was prepared to accept remaining that way.

Nonetheless, there were 7 single women who I kept lifted in prayer before God. My wife, and the lady I’d realized I truly loved in late ’97, and the, um, ex- girlfriend down the street with whom I had become close friends, and some others. Not pushing anything, mind. Just praying and talking via phone and yahoo messenger, and occasional visits.

Then one day, a Christian PM friend in Michigan phoned to say that there was a woman about 7 hours’ drive away from my west coast home who really, really needed someone to talk to, but he didn’t have time. Would I mind? (Unbeknownst to me, he had met her online, had led her to accept PM, had tried to get her to move to join his family, but certain elements of the situation just were not working for her. Then he told her about me, and that I’d make a great husband for her … but somehow neglected to tell ME all this…)

Well, I felt overwhelmed by the 7 women I was already praying for, and so was reluctant to “take on” another male-female relationship, but at last consented. And the rest is history. Once again God knew what He was doing, and I was coming back alive.

We began talking for hours daily. 6 weeks later, we met for a couple of hours. 6 weeks after that, as her situation was about to go from bad to worse, I went and got her and moved her into my travel trailer, where she slept for 2+ weeks straight.

We were sorta together, but sorta scratching our heads and saying, “Hunh, God? Now what?”

Life kept happening and love grew – isn’t that God’s way?

Eventually we moved to South Carolina where I got work, legally married, then began trying to get her kids out of a bad spot, succeeded, moved to Pennsylvania, then Florida, then here to Georgia.

Please forgive me for not giving “equal time” to this marriage, but my wife really doesn’t like me telling her business. So here’s mainly just my part …

Those 7 women I was praying about? Seemed to just melt into thin air. But my first wife and I remain friends and remain in fairly frequent contact to this day.

The lady I first realized I truly loved in ’97? She and my second wife have become good friends and still are, though she married, her husband died, and she chose to then marry someone else rather than to enter PM with us.

We remain in occasional contact with another one of these ladies, who eventually married someone peripherally connected to a different branch of the Christian PM community.

Another died. Another let her true man-hating side loose. Whew!

Another bowed out. More or less graciously. Turned out that while I thought I was making progress getting her to accept PM, she was intent on getting me to renounce it. Neither was in fact working.

And the last? She disappeared for 9 years, then recently re-appeared, is marrying someone else, but has become closer friends than ever with me in a non-romantic, we’re-family way, with the blessing of her family-to-be.

Back to my new wife. Folks who saw us together told of being inspired to raise their game in their own marriages by what they saw in ours. Lots of happiness. Some sore trials.

A pastor who knew of our position on PM tried dealing treacherously, was discovered by his board of elders who, while not particularly interested in PM either way, were having none of THAT, and he lost his church.

While remaining a proponent of PM, I almost entirely withdrew from the PM community for two reasons: a) I was concentrating on the issues my new relationship had raised, and b) there were some rather nasty, though mistaken, rumors flying around stemming from the time of that family breaking up while living in my home. Rather than going to war and making a hullabaloo, I chose to simply withdraw and let God work it out. (A position which I do NOT regret.)

Unbeknownst to me, my new wife, remained in quiet contact with a number of the people involved, and a few years ago drew me back into active involvement with, now, Biblical Families.

At present, a number of issues have conspired together to bring about our current separation. We still talk pretty much daily. Still love each other. I think that we both hope to resolve the issues in time. I’m not going to go beyond that in this setting, as it would be telling too much of her story as well.

So I will simply end this by saying that I feel incredibly blessed to be or have been the husband of these two excellent women, and to be relatively content most of the time with my current lot in life, while having high hopes that the Most High still has an exciting future in store for all of us, and perhaps someone else as well.

After all, I’m only 51, and plan to live to be 140 at least! (Go ahead. Ask me how? :lol: ) So I’ve got around 90 good years left! Yee-haw!

Even so, COME, Lord Jesus! I’d rather that. But if time lasts it’s bound to be interesting.

Oh! How many wives do I WANT? Whaddaya MEAN? Is there supposed to be a sorta specimen card, like coins, where I get the right one to fill each slot?

I don’t think so! In ’98, instead of praying for another wife, I began praying for God to turn me into the sorta guy whom He could safely entrust with the task of husbanding His daughters – however many He chose. It has been my prayer all along, and remains so today.

While I can look back over the years and see lots of progress, I’m content to leave the outcome to He who has begun a good work in me.

Ok. That’s it. More when something noteworthy happens. YOUR turn!

WRITE !!!

 

[CecilW]

Access Comments on CecilW here.

Tuesday, 06/19/2012

Successes & Failures

One of our good friends here on Biblical Families wrote …

Your story is your story, and it is great to read it as you have written it, don't change that. On the periphery however it is a bit depressing reading about so many failed examples of PM you have seen around you all your life, without hearing any positive stories. If you were to add anything, and anything springs to mind, it would be good to have references to positive stories as well as the negative ones you mention (like the big patriarchal family that split up). Only if that is true of course, if all the polygamous marriages of others you have been very close to have been failures then that is a fact and should be written as such. Does that make sense?

It does indeed. In this segment, I will attempt to rectify that, starting with the relationships in my own life and family.

How should we define success or failure in a PM? I am of two minds. Why?

On the one hand, the ideal would seem to clearly be that each marriage last until the death of one party. But that seems to me to be entirely inadequate!

Have you seen marriages that endured a lifetime of quiet desperation in the hopes of some sort of eternal reward? I have. “Big Love” seems redolent with these from “the compound”.

How about an abusive marriage that endured until the abusee died at the hand of the abuser? Seen those, too. Although they lasted until death, how could we possibly call those successful?

Flipping over, is there any way that we could deem marriages that end in divorce successful? A legalistic, theological knee-jerk reaction would say, “No.” But I’m not so sure …

We’re human, and some things don’t work out permanently. But if one has made it a good journey until that point is reached, was it a good journey? If all involved have done the best that they can; if they can all look back over it and remember good times and good outcomes; if there was Love and not Abuse; if children were born or adopted and raised to be successful adults; if folks badly damaged at the start came out emotionally much healthier; could we call it a successful relationship? Or at least a positive and encouraging one, rather than a depressing failure?

Take as an example my own parents: They did all the “right” things. Waited until they had completed their educations (through college), and had had some career success before meeting and marrying someone from their own faith/denomination.

Had 3 boys, all of … well, two of whom grew up to be outstanding, conforming, stalwart, admirable by society in every way, pillars of the community.

One, the oldest, grew up to be a black sheep. Married too young. Adopted kids of a different color. Spent everything he could lay hands on on books and music gear and giving away and travel and feeding all those kids he always seemed to have in his house … instead of investing wisely for his future. Consequently always on the financial edge. Got kicked out of church for asking TOO many questions, and refusing to submit to other men’s minds. But maybe “sheep” is the operative part of “black sheep”, and he’s ok too.

However, they came from very, very different backgrounds, and had very different expectations of marriage.

Dad had been raised in a very German family. Dad’s the boss. Mom is nobut a hausfrau, subservient in every way.

Mom had been raised in an academic community, where education and individual achievement and initiative and opinion were highly valued.

See the conflict? Eventually, I grew up enough to understand that they had really tried. Hard. Over and over. Even after separating they tried to get back together and make it work repeatedly. They both loved and served God all their days to the best of their understanding. They both loved us three kids, and did their best to see us launched into good lives.

But … they never were able to change themselves enough to adapt to staying together. My dad remained single the rest of his life. My mom eventually remarried, and recently celebrated their 25th anniversary.

And yet, they had many good memories of the 14 years they were married. Many successes in ministry. And 3 sons. Success? Failure?

This is purely my own subjective opinion, based on my own sense of compassion for struggling humanity, but I conclude, “Yes, we can.” Disagree? Feel free to comment on the comments thread. *grin* This is MY perspective.

With this in mind, I’m about to revisit the PM related relationships mentioned above.

Starting with my two-sisters experience at age 11. What was the purpose of the relationship? A lifelong union? Get real! “Union” never took place. We held hands, hugged a few times. If we kissed, they were pretty chaste! We were all about the same age. It was a short term connection. We remained in touch to some extent – inquiring after each other through the family connection - for several years. I have always held it as a pleasant and formative memory.

You may notice that some of my heartache in memory was more related to the FAILURE to launch PMs, than to having tried and failed. I’m 51 now. When I’m 91 or 121, and sitting on a porch on a rocking chair dreaming of the past, which would you guess will bother me more? Those projects, hobbies, and relationships attempted unsuccessfully? Or those which fear or outside pressure or mistaken religiousity or … kept me from attempting in the first place? So …

My uncle … remained in relationship with both my aunt and his “lover” for many years.

Remember that all 3 of the mentioned family situations occurred well before the internet provided us with all this History or Biblical Scholarship regarding PM. There CERTAINLY was no known Christian patriarchal plural marriage movement around. They were doing the best they could…

He provided for both – he’d handled his finances well, and that was possible. Spent time with both – I remember him taking my aunt on a trip to mainland China to find the area where she lived as a small child during this time. He provided for the future of both. In his final days, when he was not up to going back and forth, he remained with my aunt, who took care of him until his death. I have been told that my aunt never regretted her choice. I never knew his second “wife”, so can’t speak for her. My verdict? Success.

Dad’s cousin? I know very little of the story. But with all of the above in mind, I grade it as a success as well. They'd arranged things so that it worked for them, all remained friends, etc. Think "Reba" as it COULD be ...

My cousin, where the wives took off on their own? Ultimate failure, though in telling about it, he always seemed to remember it as a positive thing, just unhappy that it ended the way it did. Success? Failure? Positive? Negative? Btw, the wives didn’t stay together too long either, once they left. I’d say that there were issues other than PM involved.

Others since? Well, I’m supposed to be telling my own story here, not other folks’. But I guess it is fair to share some observations.

Yes, I have seen some families that have worked out very well, and are still in existence. They need to tell their own stories, however. Some are even on this board.

I’ve also seen some that lasted for quite a while, although they eventually ended. Failure? Success? Happens in monogamous marriages as well.

The ending brought heartache, undoubtedly. But along the way, abused children were set free and raised in a 2+ parent home with a dad. To me, that is good fruit.

All involved had good experiences to look back upon. Usually, the PM ended when one member started harboring wrong thinking and eventually took off. But how is that any different from monogamy?

Well, what about my own situation? Living single at the moment ... 2 wives, both of whom I deeply love, who are living on their own?

Friends, there has been so much GOOD in both relationships, that I can’t rate EITHER as failure or bad experience! We’re all still alive. The story isn’t OVER yet. We’re in the MIDDLE of the movie, where all the conflict/resolution plot and tension are building. I remain confident (though I admit to having slogged through sloughs of severe despond) that the ending is going to be FANTASTIC!

Hmmm…

Guess I could add a segment on perceived pitfalls and contributors to success. Those would be the observations from my own experience so fair to share … next time. *sigh*

 

[CecilW]

Access Comments on CecilW here.

For those who know the current happenings of my life, or even those who have just read this thread for whatever reason, I would like to refer you to this thread, In His Steps, written quite some time ago, and then STILL affirm, "No regrets!"

 

[CecilW]

Access Comments on CecilW here.

It's been a while.

Family situation remains much the same. Have been dealing with and therefore focusing on some severe health issues. (Read about it here.)

Learning more and more to trust in the promises and providences of God.

One of those seems to relate even to living alone at present, as I've had no real income since mid-September 2012 -- basically 5 months! Yet God has sustained me. But could you imagine the pressure of that financial responsibility, with no unemployment, savings, or any other safety net, with a wife and 3 kids at home? It might well have been beyond me. (Btw, without telling too much of her story, God has taken care of my 2nd wife and her kids as well in the situation they have chosen.)

So while I'm not happy with a number of current circumstances, and actively working to change them, yet I'm "all-good" with them, if that makes sense. God's hand can readily be seen in the ordering of events for the best good of all involved.

Psalms 34:19 says "Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord (YHWH) delivers him out of them all." That suggests to me that our lives are like a soap opera or TV series (such as Monarch of the Glen, McLeod's Daughters, Sons of Anarchy, Dawson's Creek, Big Love, Sister Wives, etc.) watched by men and angels (1Co 4:9).

That further suggests that when in a distinctly uncomfortable spot like this, we're simply in the middle of creating an "episode". Nothing to worry about. Especially since we are guaranteed a good ending ("delivered"). So rather than stressing over it, I choose to holler, "Bring on the popcorn" and enjoy the show, or “God Party!” and start celebrating.

What an ADVENTURE!!! :roll: :lol:

 

[CecilW]

Access Comments on CecilW here.

Monday, 2/25/13, Late evening ponderings.

Wanted to share something, and wondered where to put it. Decided to put it here in the hopes that if any of my children ever read my autobiographical blog here, they'll see it.

So what was so important that I had to get up outa bed and write it down? Well ...

I have imaginary conversations with people pretty often. Doesn't everyone? No? Hunh. Weird! Well anyway, ...

This conversation was with one of my eight (8) bio, adopted, or step children (No, I won't be more specific) who was berating me for my many (their perspective) faults.

Sir BumbleBerry was undoubtedly sitting on my shoulder egging them on by asking, "Really? Oh my GOODNESS!!! I had NO IDEA!!! Tell me MORE!!!" Little brat! :roll: :lol:

I, in contrast, was staring pensively off into space, more or less ignoring the barrage, when this loquacious youngster (young adult, shall we say), suddenly stopped and asked, "What are you thinking?"

I replied, honestly, "I seriously doubt that you want to know!" Naturally, that only fanned the flame and the youngster demanded to know. Un-hunh! Ooooookay...

I was just remembering being your age. I truly thought that it was my job to school and correct my parents. After all,

• I was really, really smart, and they were pretty, well, dense, not being able to see, hear nor grasp what was so painfully obvious to me about where they were wrong on so many topics.
• I was learning so many interesting things about God and life and marriage and business, and they just needed to hear it, because
• The were sadly so very screwed up, while I not only had it together, but I carried an evangelist's zeal to spread my truth.

And I was wishing I had been WISER, instead of just so very smart. Mind you, I'm not saying that the things I said to them were incorrect. By and large I still stand by them 20+ years later. But ...

Had I been wiser, I would have understood that it was still their job to teach me, and mine to listen, listen, ask questions and then listen some more; to take copious notes, pages and notebooks full, and then go off and not only ponder their advice but adopt those elements that represented true wisdom into my own life and practice, while discarding those elements that merely represented their personal foibles.

I would have understood that if God was giving me "new light", it was so that I could avoid the mistakes of my elders -- not so that I could beat them about the head and heart with it.

And I would have treasured their stories of good and bad, success and failure. Each one would have provided a benefit -- perhaps wisdom, perhaps only a good belly laugh, but a benefit nonetheless.

Funny thing. Paul talks about the older women teaching the younger. Logically, that applies to men as well -- witness his mentoring relationship to Timothy. But you know what is missing from the Bible? Timothy's Epistle to Paul, where he corrects and instructs and exhorts Paul in the way he should go. Seems like there's a lesson there. Anyway ...

When I was your age, I wasn't yet that wise. So here we are, and I mainly get to watch history repeat itself. Kinda sad really, when God's order and intent is that we be enabled to stand on the shoulders of our parents so we can see further, rather than on their necks so as to merely feel superior.

By this point, my dear beloved child was looking rather stunned and a bit upset. Then I came back to the dull, dreary world of reality :lol: and decided to write it all down.

Funny thing is, it's all true. I deeply wish I'd been this wise at that age.

And with that, it is now a new day and I'm going back to bed.