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Bustin' Outa The Closet or Tellin' The Fam

CecilW

CecilW

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In the short time I've been back involved with the PM movement on this list, I've heard a number of people express concerns about how and when to tell their families about what is going on in their lives. What they are learning, what they've come to believe, what they've DONE about it (gotten married / added another wife to their family). And I wonder ...

Question: The longer it drags on without being brought out into the open ... won't that further exacerbate the problem once it finally IS? On top of "You did WHAT?" won't we also have to deal with "... and you've been lying to us by keeping it a secret for HOW LONG?"

I'm just wondering, can whatever healing will have to take place even begin until whatever is hidden is brought out into the open? If not, why would we choose a path for our loved ones other than "Let the healing begin"?

When and how to tell "The Family". I'm not certain that is the right question for us to ask. What if the right question is simply, "How do we make picking up the pieces as painless as possible for them, once their concept of 'how things are' shatters, as it surely will when we tell them what we have learned / done / come to believe -- which will happen TONIGHT !!"

Sorry, Sir BumbleBerry is over in the corner hiding behind a Giant Lollipop, so I'm having to let the serious side out for a bit. Oh, he says it STARTED OUT as a giant lollipop. It's now just sort of big, and not hiding him too well anymore.
 
Though I have broached the issue with some members of my wife's family, (I do not have any family over here in South Africa) we have not openly discussed it yet. In the past, I have preached Isaiah chapter 4 in one of her uncle's churches, but did not go into detail at the time because I did not understand it then as I do now. I have also 'lightly' opened the subject for discussion at work because our new South African president is a practicing polygamist. The discussion turned quickly to joking but at least it is out there now.

My advice is as always, each person should pray about it and open the discussion as God directs. Keeping a secret is not necessarily the same as lying or God would be guilty, (Deut. 29:29). It is not always prudent to charge ahead with our greater knowledge and upset those who do not have the grace yet to receive it, Proverbs 12:23...

23 A prudent man conceals knowledge,
But the heart of fools proclaims foolishness.
The Holy Bible, New King James Version, (Nashville, Tennessee: Thomas Nelson, Inc.) 1982.

Be blessed,

Dr. Ray
 
Surely the Lord GOD will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets. Amos 3:7

I hear and understand what you are saying, Dr. Ray. But as you can see, there is a balancing statement that could be seen as applicable to our families, those who are (theoretically at least) closest to us.

If the application of the verse you mentioned was simply that concealing anything which would/could be seen as controversial is wise, while revealing the discovered truths of God, which have been of such help to us, is foolish ... does that not then lead to the concept of secret societies and esoteric knowledge? Let's all become masons?

I'm not ignorantly assuming that blatting things out causes things to go smoothly. Goodness knows I've gotten enough guff from my own family. They're all on the west coast (mostly Northwest, Portland/Seattle area), Cindy and I are on the east coast, (Miami area), and that might be best for now in some ways. Or not.

And I do know that some among us have suffered actual loss of jobs over being open about their beliefs. But family ...

What is occuring to me this weekend, and I readily admit Cindy's been gone for a couple of weeks and I might be a little extra maudlin (though gin free :) ), is that family is in a different category. We generally want to do all that we can to maintain good relationships with them. And whatever hit those relationships are likely to take when they realize that we are serious over a changed view of marriage and have perhaps even DONE something about it, won't the hit be even harder if we've added time and secrecy to the equation? If so, wouldn't it be wiser and kinder in the long run to bring it out now? Rip off the bandaid and get it over with?

Y'all feel free to tell me to shut up and get some sleep. And I could be wrong. But I'm just imagining how I'd feel if my daughter gave me a call and said, "BTW Dad, I married James 6 months ago. We live in Kansas City now, and are expecting twins in 4 months." The list of questions would be long, starting with "Who is James? I thought you were hooked on Chris! And in nursing school in Portland!" But a good share of my questions, and the lion's share of my own hurt, would have to do with timing, and not being allowed to share in her life's journey. However, I could merely be weird. (Well, actually, that's probably a given!)
 
of course you are wierd, ya dad-gummed web-footer, otherwise you wouldn't consider poly :D
sooner rather than later in my opinion. one guy says that the average time it takes them to accept it is about 5 years. that may be optimistic for some of my fam.
one of my brothers, a baptist deacon who was living in utah, heard me out, then studied the "party line" then called me up and told me where i was wrong and wrote me off. the facts don't matter.
my youngest sister, who we were closest to spiritually, prayed and felt that God told her that it was sin. again, facts don't matter.
my dad passed away in 82 and as the eldest of the remaining 6 kids (we lost our older sister to cancer about 20 years ago) i had a great relationship with my mother. until this. she believes that it is "wrong according to the bible" and again, facts do not matter. her position is that we should just agree to disagree. that is a relationship killer for me. it makes me the naughty little boy who will not see the light and repent.
women live for love and men live for respect and she can't understand why our relationship is lousey. after all, she still loves me :roll:

sooo. jump right in and tell them, don't let me hog all of the fun ;)
 
Oh, I did, Steve, long ago. With similar results. My Mom called Cindy up in PA last week, and suggested that she just STAY there, that I was doing just fine down here! :o

Bless her heart, she has told me that it MUST be wrong, otherwise the Seventh-day Adventist church would already be teaching it !!! There's logic for ya.

So, like you, I made the choice for early disclosure. And I don't regret it. My sense is that there is enough healing to do without adding the complications of them feeling we've been secretive, as though there were something to hide. When, to the contrary, I am PROUD to be part of this current work of God in His church.

I really don't like stirring pots and sowing discord. Truth to tell, I'm a Teddy Bear sort of guy who's more interested in creating harmony. But this is a weird situation, and I'm concerned about it.

I don't bring it up and tell everyone about it. There is no need for that. Not even everyone at church -- very few in fact. But for me, family was and remains in a different category.

Anyway, my decision was made and acted upon about 10 years ago. Most of the fallout has hit. My wife of 20+ years divorced me; the church in which I and my family for 3 generations had worshipped and served, tossed me. Cindy later entered my life and life progresses.

So it isn't too relevant to me. I just brought it up for whatever thought provoking benefit it might contain.

Good luck to all of us, and my prayers are with you, however you believe yourself led to deal with it all. 8-)
 
CecilW said:
I really don't like stirring pots........... Truth to tell, I'm a Teddy Bear sort of guy who's more interested in creating harmony.
Click to expand...
uh hu.....well....maybe you see yourself a little more monochromaticly than i see you
but, hey, focus on that teddy bear thing. the pot stirring annointing will shine through :D
 
One of my sisters attended a retreat once. But there is also nothing wrong with not telling someone ever.
 
......and Steve......Cecil probably does not have webbed fingers because I have heard him play the piano with skill. However, if he can swim as well as he can play the piano then, who knows.
 
For the most part "If you have relatives you never see and they could care less what kind of car you drive, then there is not a deep enough relationship to discuss such things." is my policy for my side of the family. My Dads side of the family knows what we're up too from early on, my Mom's side not nearly as much, though I am working gradually on some of that group who are either strong servants of the Lord or good friends. Even in some of those cases the opportunity for such a conversation hasn't come up just for rarity of seeing them.

On her side there is a different tact, those who could receive it knew what we where doing right away, but with most she wants to bide and lay the groundwork until we can be a living testimony of what we are doing. The merit to this is that telling them earlier than that would be like pulling the tape off before the IV is administered. The shock would come all over again when moving from theoretical to actual, and its better to do it once rather than again and again. Quite a bit of groundwork has been laid, so it is going well there, but until we have someone we are sure about that we can present she does not want to more forward. Anyway it seems appropriate to leave her family to her discretion.

As for the people that we are close too, our personal friends, they all know and have known for a long time. With our church we are waiting either until we have a second or until it is brought up, which it hasn't been except for in one bible study by the sub-pastor which we missed.

In all cases I take the view that discretion is the better part of valour. If its just a mater of telling someone something they will accept then by all means tell them right away, if its going to be a battle I'd prefer to take time for training and getting the lay of the land and even laying intellectual traps based on exactly what they believe.
 
I think that you and I would agree on the concept of a relative having a hard enough time accepting polygamy, and then having to stomach the feeling that they were deceived. The monogamous courtship process sometimes takes months to years and involves lots of interaction and communication between family members regarding the courtship, what the fiance is studying in college, or what promotion he or she just received. Their family is critiqued and discussed and most times family get togethers include both groom and bride families.

Contrast the poly marriage where many times the "roomate" or "close friend" is outed after 6 months of marriage and the families feel tricked and stupid for not knowing. And they may not even know anything about the 2nd because no info was asked or given due to not knowing that she was joining the family. Then they have to go through the "what do I tell my friends when they find out" about my son marrying two women at the same time.

Discovering Biblical polygamy, studying it and swallowing the truth is hard enough if you are willing to accept it. Imagine trying to "get it" when you are already turned off by an experience. I am not saying that families that have done this are wrong. We both know at least one family that is living through this right now. What I am saying is that for us, we do not promote or hide how we feel, and we do this because we think that it will be easier to deal with the potholes along the way, instead of a cavernous hole the size of the Grand Canyon all at once. Again let me say for the benefit of those that read my posts, we are not looking to pursue this lifestyle, but we do support those that choose this freely for themselves. This is a forum and people discuss stuff here. If you don't like it, don't come here, and if you are so sure that this is wrong, then log in and tell us why. It should be pretty easy to tell by cracking open the old Word.

Sorry. Anyway..

One benefit of being out is that you will probably lose the friendships of some people close to you. This is a good thing (in a sad way) because when you finally do find this person that is to join your family, you won't be leaning on, or falsely expecting support from, anyone that is about to pull the rug out from underneath you or cause you any other type of heartache during a time that is supposed to be joyous. You parted ways with them before all of this started to bear fruit and at this time, you know who will be there for you and who you don't have to worry about attacking you. I assume it makes the guest list easier to write out as well. If we had found someone and then had all of the criticism and anger directed towards us that we have had in the past year, we probably would have given up and called it off due to the pressure.

Out to close family. Out to close friends. Everybody else on a case by case basis, just like everybody is saying. Expect the best, hope for the worst, because you will definately see the worst come out in some people.
 
As I have shared with a few others, for Chaplains Rose and I....well it kinda works out like this. My kids know and have made their comments known but do not condemn it, though they themselves do not support the idea for their lives. My mom and dad who we do not see very often, have known "J" as long as we have. They live in another state, are way up in age and all they know is that Rose and I wish to have "J" move in with us as a means of helping us all out. So they are a no tell at all about it and let them think what they wish. As far as my sister goes, who also lives in another state and whom we do not see very often....well I don't really care what she thinks for we were never close... not trying to sound mean or cruel, but we just never really bonded as brother and sister. Rose has no siblings so no problem there and as for her mom and dad, ( who live real close by ) they are like you live your life and we live ours but would not really say much about it.
 
Guess Gov. Sanford took the direct route. :lol:
 
I would have to agree with Jair. I believe that as I have stated, praying and following God's lead is best. It may lead to rejection and persecution, but it is still going to be the best approach in the long run, (family or not). I do not advocate developing secret societies and other such nonsense, just following the leading of the Holy Spirit and not getting into the flesh over what we want and end up birthing an Ishmael. God will open the door when He is ready. It is our job to be ready to walk through it when He does. To do it any other way will not be blessed and will not be honored by the Lord. It will add needless strife and trouble to one's life. Godly wisdom must be used to help bring peace to the situation. Anything else does not come from God and will only serve to bring confusion and trouble, (James 3:13-18). God must give grace to people for them to receive these things. If we force it, it will not work. Pray and obey is the way.

Blessings,

Dr. Ray
 
Here's a question for ya'!

How do you tell your Turkish secular-Muslim father who no longer believes in marriage...
...about Christian Polygyny...
...and that God is leading you and showing you that you will have many wives?

I was engaged.
He called that girl my "friend".

I was married.
He called that girl my "friend".

If I pressed further by acting like I didn't know which friend he was talking about...

...he would say "girl-friend".

I have a daughter with that "friend", by the way.
 
Sadan,

Thats an easy one ;)

He is secularized so arguments from scripture (any scripture) are irrelevant, and he is disillusioned about marriage so practical arguments are irrelevant. There is no common ground for discussion so tactics are irrelevant. You might as well just tell him casually, or any way you want, its a no win so its a no brainier.

Too bad though, tough. I guess you could just tell him that you want to have a lot of friends in your future :)

Ray,
Thanks, and I second the importance of prayer in these situations.
 
Tlaloc said:
Thats an easy one ;)

He is secularized so arguments from scripture (any scripture) are irrelevant, and he is disillusioned about marriage so practical arguments are irrelevant. There is no common ground for discussion so tactics are irrelevant. You might as well just tell him casually, or any way you want, its a no win so its a no brainier.

Too bad though, tough. I guess you could just tell him that you want to have a lot of friends in your future :)
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:lol: So true. Actually, I don't plan on telling him. I'll just introduce him to my "friends" and our children when he comes to visit or I go see him... which is rare. Maybe that'll be enough of a shock to his system to get him to think about marriage again.
 
It could be, and I hope it is.

It is odd that he refers to them as your 'friends', but I suppose it isn't inaccurate. I pray that you do just as you say you will and that the shock does get him thinking. That would be a great thing in and of itself.
 
I don't know about the rest of you, but don't you find Sadan's input into our discussions here on Biblical Families really refreshing and enlightening? Add to that he is a Christian believer in Kuwait, living in a largely Muslim society, that makes it even more intriguing.

Bless you Sadan!
 
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