• Biblical Families is not a dating website. It is a forum to discuss issues relating to marriage and the Bible, and to offer guidance and support, not to find a wife. Click here for more information.

Assimilating New Sister Wife to the Family

M

MissMarlee

New Member
Hello there. :) I've recently moved in with my fiance and SW. I moved from Southern Indiana to Montana in order to forge a better relationship with them. Before I moved here, we all agreed that marriage was the goal and that once I was here, I was here to stay permanently. We have regular nightly talks about the entire situation and how we are thinking and feeling each night and I've come to the conclusion that this is REAL and it's actually happening and we are actively pursuing this relationship.
That said, my fiance and SW were living in a 3 BR ranch-style house when I moved in. They have three children with another on the way, so space was already crowded. Upon moving into this house, they decided that they were not going to pursue a polygamous lifestyle, but God had other plans. Therefore, until we finish the addition to the house (which hasn't even been started yet since I have yet to find a job around here), I have been sleeping on an air mattress in the living room. It's not really that big of a deal -- I'm used to much less. However, I'm having issues assimilating to the family, feeling like I belong, etc. To make matters even more frustrating, my fiance has decided that he doesn't feel comfortable risking making me feel uncomfortable and has placed the "ball" in my court in regards to growing the relationship beyond a platonic level.
I do have feelings for my fiance and as each day passes, I realize that this is where God is leading me to be. I am so excited with what the future holds for us, but at the same time, I'm not sure what my role is supposed to be in the assimilation process.
I guess I'm just looking for advice from other second, third, fourth, etc. wives that have been through this process. This is completely foreign to me. I've never been a very forward person and I have no clue about how to handle this whole situation. It's just left me in a very confusing place.
 
Upon moving into this house, they decided that they were not going to pursue a polygamous lifestyle, but God had other plans.
Click to expand...
i have no clue what this could mean, but it does not sound like you are being treated fairly.
maybe i just do not understand?
, I'm having issues assimilating to the family, feeling like I belong, etc.
Click to expand...
how can you assimilate and feel like you belong if they are not going to pursue a polygamous lifestyle.
why do you still call him your fiancee? i do not get it, is it supposed to be you that is to pursue the polygamous lifestyle with them?
 
Steve, she is saying that when they moved into the house, the had no plans for PM living, it just came about and then she moved there, so they have to figure out how to fit everyone. They went house shopping and did NOT plan on living PM or they would have looked for a bigger house.

"my fiance has decided that he doesn't feel comfortable risking making me feel uncomfortable and has placed the "ball" in my court in regards to growing the relationship beyond a platonic level."

This statement sounds like he is making an excuse, maybe he is not as interested in you now that you are actually there. Maybe he is really just worried about his wife's reaction. Maybe if the ball is in your court, you should just sit him down and ask him straight out if he is really interested in you like he was before you got there. It sounds like you already did what you had to do in order to show YOUR interest, what exact type of sign is this man looking for? You moved thousands of miles, and call him your fiance. I think that this means that you are WAY past the platonic stage in your own mind, and if a woman is willing to do that AND sleep on a mattress on the floor in the living room, then it should be obvious to that man that you are interested, and it should now be HIM that should be taking the initiative.

Maybe he can take the time to schedule a date night, or a Hus-Wife-Fiance date night. By the way, does he seek counsel from other men about this lifestyle? Does he have any other man that can speak into his life on how to handle these PM issues? Does he have a mentor or someone that he can confide in about these things? This is a free forum, with men that have many years of marriage and plural marriage experience.
 
ahh,
that makes more sense about the house.
the "ball in her court" i agree is problematic.
 
I think I am the Queen of awkward assimilations! My family is the leader in uncomfortable living arrangements! I could NOT go into the story here I think or the website would run out of bandwidth! Even still, of course I don't have all the answers.

I agree with the guys on here who are saying that he is not taking a correct leadership role or the initiative in the situation. He is not doing right by you as of now in the "ball in your court" thing. My husband did some things that seemed similar to this (mostly due to not seeking and accepting counsel like Paul said but also out of fear of the outside world and other crazy stuff that was going on including MY craziness!) but by then HE was already commited to being married to me 100% forever. As he was messing up left and right he was also trying desperately not too lose me despite all the difficulties I was having with first wife and kids. I must say that I wanted to feel like a part of a community and all that but definitely did not due to the culture of his family being very closed and limited. Basically first wife accepted me as a "person who was going to live there" but not as a integral equal part of the family right away. My commitment waned due to this and that prevented her even more from accepting me and including me. The fact that my position in the home was a secret that they were desperately trying to keep for as long as possible from as many people as possible-that goal taking priority over any assimilation stuff-only hurt the situation even more (I am also queen of run on sentences).

Anyway, here is my feeling: Do what Paul said and tell him your intentions for the situation and tell him to be absolutely CLEAR with his. Then reccomend that he seek counsel from elders-men who have been there (again like Paul said).

I suspect that perhaps he is scared of the responsibility involved and that is what is keeping him from making an honest woman out of you! The reality of the risks/possible losses/emotional/logistical difficulty of this plural life can make even the bravest of men turn flakey. My husband (and his family) has lost very close family, friends, church and even a home because in the end he did not deny or recant my presence in this family but instead affirmed it and celebrated it and went on with life without those who would have him abandon me. Come to think of it maybe there is no easy way to get through this assimilation other than to do it (especially once you move hundreds of miles with people you only know marginally-as I also did, though he had already married me!) You are there and you want it to work. That is a good thing. One thing you might do is act as if you already belong there. Not in a pushy "This is my house" way but make yourself useful. Being pleasent and caring and loving to everyone is your part. His part (and his family's part) is to welcome you into the role they want for you there. If they don't provide the position for you then how can you fill it, right?
 
Wow, not being an expert on this at all, I'm wondering if having your almost wife (or adopted child, or parent) sleeping on the living room floor, without any privacy, for an unknown length of time is acceptable. I'm hoping you knew about that in advance and can deal with it for a 'time'. I can't imagine doing that myself, so I'm praying for you. I can't think that we'd put anyone in a situation like you've described. Forgive me, but this sounds like a lack of advanced planning and I sure hope you can stick it out and that your new family respects that you've made a big move to become a part of their family and are very accommodating to you.
 
Yes, the sleeping arrangements were known and discussed in advance. The original plan had been to wait until the start of the new year so that tax returns could be used to do the addition. It was later decided that now worked out better to allow for a smoother transition with her schooling the next semester. I just wanted to add this for all that have wondered.
 
I agree with the excellent advice from the previous posters above; but would add the following caveat:

Given that biblical family relationships are usually striking new ground, in hostile territory, and subject to enemy attack; we should allow some wiggle room for unexpected circumstances, uncertainty, improvisation, and the move of the Spirit.

ylop
armchair expert
 
Yes, the living arrangements were known ahead of time and other options have been presented but this is what has worked out best at this time. I do have Godly counsel and support where I need it. I also have the Holy Spirit to help put the pieces together, and fill in the gaps. All in all this has been working and coming together very smoothly and as far as the entire ball in her court thing. I am attracted to her. She is a very pretty young lady, and has had some comfort issues in the resent past with relationships and intimacy. She has been hurt and violated and I am trying to be understanding and compassionate to her needs for healing. She has the "ball in her court" as I was hoping that she new things would only progress as she was comfortable with it. Thank you all for your input it gives me a good incite to how it may look from the outside, but I know that I am managing the situation fairly well so far.
 
ylop said:
Given that biblical family relationships are usually striking new ground, in hostile territory, and subject to enemy attack; we should allow some wiggle room for unexpected circumstances, uncertainty, improvisation, and the move of the Spirit.
Click to expand...

Good advice as to attitude towards most everyone in all situation. We're all in a war on the side of God against the devil. (Which, btw, God already won!)

Loclorin: Do not be weary in well-doing and ye shall reap, if ye faint not. Gal 6:9 If you got it going on good, then good on ya, mate. If a little more proactivity would help her feel less 'at sea', go for it -- with all of our prayers and best wishes for all y'alls.
 
Thank you so much for clearing that up, irish and Loclorn. I think it is very good that Miss Marlee got on here and requested the thoughts of other women who had gone through similar things. This transparency that being on here or in regular communion with other people who have gone through this has really no substitute. Being able to show some warts now to your new family member(s), yourselves and your community I think is beneficial in the long run.

It is good you are having regular talks together and being open with each other. This is something we tried to do but it took us a while(almost 2 years to dredge everybody's pain/pride/uncertainty and deal with it in the right ways). It is better to deal with things sooner rather than ignore them and let them get bigger and more urgent. Keep up your sharing of your journey. There is nothing like accountability to bring things to a head.
 
I want to say at I know that this time can be confusing a awkward, but with that said you need to lean on your new husband and get advice from him on what you should do. If you feel strange about the Assimilating into the family, that is when you talk to your husband. The Scripture say that you are to treat your husband like Christ, and the question, and it will be a tough one. Would you go to another God if you had a problem in God's family. So even though I will agree that getting advice can be good, but with this topic and with the newness of your entering the family, It might be best if you bring your concerns to your husband and him alone for a while.

Congratulations on your marriage and your new family may God's blessing be on you.

From Gene Kennedy and all the wives we are proud of you and love you all.
 
I'm glad for anyone who will take a step and ask a question or request input on anything. I enjoy getting to look at situations from all perspectives, and love to discuss everything. I learn a lot about stuff, situations, people and myself that way...mostly about myself.
 
donnag said:
I'm glad for anyone who will take a step and ask a question or request input on anything. I enjoy getting to look at situations from all perspectives, and love to discuss everything. I learn a lot about stuff, situations, people and myself that way...mostly about myself.
Click to expand...

Like
 
Thanks for the input. I really appreciate it.
As a family, we have sat down and talked about a lot of the things going through our heads during this time of transition. Things seem to be slowly getting on the right track. :D
Yes, Gene. You're quite correct in saying that this time of transition is confusing and awkward! The more we get to know each other as well as our little quirks and how we all think, the more things seem to progress along the right track. I'm quite blessed in the fact that my husband-to-be is rather easy to talk to about things like this. I'm not a very open person and while it's difficult for me to open up and say exactly what's on my mind, he does listen and offer advice here and there. My sister wife-to-be is also amazing like that. I love her dearly.
I definitely think that there were some misunderstandings that have now been settled and I'm really starting to feel more at home. I love it here and am thrilled that this seems to be working so well. Again, I'm blessed.
And as for the sleeping on the floor thing... my fiance and SW sort of surprised me with moving the kids around so by this weekend, I'll have a place of my own to sleep in. I was really surprised! Sleeping on the floor really didn't bother me at all, but I think a place of my own to sleep without being "on display" in the living room (lol) will be nice. :)
 
MissMarlee said:
a place of my own to sleep without being "on display" in the living room (lol) will be nice. :)
Click to expand...

Aaaaaw! But I'm sure that they found you so DECORATIIVE! :roll: :lol:
 
We are going to be doing this in the not too distant future as well! I admire that you are all seeking God's will and guidance each and every step of the way!

I am encouraged that there are more families willing to share and be open about their struggles and triumphs! Those who do are helping those of us who are still learning and coming up behind you!

Much love and Respect!!!
 
LOL, Cecil. Oh, I'm sure I was the perfect addition, all splayed out on the floor, though I must say that having a place of my own to sleep with an actual bed does make me feel more at home, with a better sense of belonging. Before the fact, I really didn't see what sort of difference it would have made.

Thanks Gidgit. :) I knew going into this that it would be a long and difficult road, at least for the first year or so. But the positives are so encouraging and outweigh any negativity so much that I know that I can't imagine being anywhere else.
 
Sounds to me like you guys are working it out. Remember, this is new territory for most of us as well, and we certainly don't know all the details of your particular circumstance.

The only thing I would add is that no one should feel pressured to do anything that they don't want to do.

Stay in the Word. Pray daily, seeking God's wisdom. Stay in fellowship with other believers who share your experience (plenty of ladies here on on BF, lots of Godly counsel for the husband, too).

Blessings

Doc
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top