An update to Adding a third wife...
It has been an interesting rollercoaster of emotions, actions, prayer, and acceptance of this lifestyle.
Having one sister-wife was really hard for the first 4 years, but Jan and I (who had been soul sisters for 23 years) overcame the challenges and absolute dislike we had for each other because of having to share Ron in our separate marriages. But under it all, we did really love each other and learned to accept each other's differences.
In some ways, it was harder for me because of the love, friendship, and faith in Jesus that we had always shared. Moving over to make room for a sister-wife is always difficult. But when we realize that God has called your husband to this understanding of plural marriage, and that she loves your husband and he loves her (though differently than the love he has for you), we can do this. And now, Jan and I are soul sisters again, best friends, and enjoy our lives with Ron.
Now, however, there is something new that God has thrown into our lives, a third wife. Having already gone through the upheaval of sharing a husband with a second wife, the question is: how do you move over again for another wife? With great difficulty and lots of prayers, tears, outbursts, anger (the whole gambit of emotions that you already went through), only this time the 2nd wife is the one who is suffering these feelings. And the 3rd wife (Debbie) feels alone, since Jan and I are a cohesive pair. And we want to work on making her feel loved.
This challenge really puts you on your knees before the Lord (which is, after all, a great place to be!). We have Bible studies concerning being peace makers, loving each other as fellow believers (Which we all are commanded to do in many verses in the Bible), roles of both husbands and wives, having patience with each other, etc.
I feel one of the most important attributes needed for this lifestyle is being kind one to another. If you are kind, you overlook minor differences and actions of the other wives. You must not have unrealistic expectations of the other person (after all, no one will act or react as you would).
As a practicing polygynist family, we are still learning the various skills we need within our home. Most important is the mutual love and need for the Lord. One must have understanding for the weaknesses of each other and have the grace, love, respect, patience, etc. for each other. Learn that each has value, gifts, experiences, and wisdom to share within the home and find your limits and strengths to share the burdens of running a home.
We are all very strong-willed people, quite outspoken, and hold very fervent and different opinions. We each have very different backgrounds and experiences. And it will take a lot of patience, understanding, acceptance, and, of course, plenty of prayer to create a (most often) joyful home. We have to learn to accept responsibility for our own actions and reactions, for our judgments of the others (“Well, that is not the way I would do it!” “I can’t believe you said, or did that…”), to really be long-suffering and tolerant, to try to treat each other with respect and love, listening for the pain, the joy, the need, etc, in each other, and to follow the golden rule: Treat others [esp. within the family] as you would like to be treated. Learn to laugh at yourself (don’t take yourself so seriously, life is too short! [Very difficult for me]) And be in prayer constantly, asking the Holy Spirit to guide and protect each of your minds and hearts from causing or receiving pain.
Ask yourself, ‘How can I help my sister-wives be everything they can be and what can I do for them today?’ And do know not to bash them over the head with this or that scripture or condemn them for their failings, remembering you also have many shortcomings. Try your best to love each other through the transitions of life. And always BE KIND.
We are still learning these various skills. Every day we have new challenges and we grow as we learn what works and what doesn’t. The way that I see life is to try and be a blessing to others. I know that we, as believers, all need to give and receive love.
And we try to live as St. Francis of Assisi taught:
(Prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is Hatred, let me sow Love.
Where there is Injury, Pardon.
Where there is Doubt, Faith.
Where there is Despair, Hope.
Where there is Darkness, Light, and
Where there is Sadness, Joy.
O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.)
With God in control, it will be easier to reach our goals of having a harmonious family. This will take work on everyone's part, but I know that we are all up to the task. And in His time, we will see the fruit of our efforts.
(Check out Maranatha’s song “IN HIS TIME”
Verse 1:
In His time, in His time,
He makes all things beautiful,
Lord, please show me every day,
As You're teaching me Your way,
That You do just what You say, in Your time.
Verse 2:
In Your time, in Your time,
You make all things beautiful, in Your time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time")
Now, on to laugh, to cry, to pray, to practice what we already learned, and to share love (even when we feel unloving to the other wife or wives), and then we know that all things will fall into place as God planned for our lives.
And most importantly, we will love each other.
It has been an interesting rollercoaster of emotions, actions, prayer, and acceptance of this lifestyle.
Having one sister-wife was really hard for the first 4 years, but Jan and I (who had been soul sisters for 23 years) overcame the challenges and absolute dislike we had for each other because of having to share Ron in our separate marriages. But under it all, we did really love each other and learned to accept each other's differences.
In some ways, it was harder for me because of the love, friendship, and faith in Jesus that we had always shared. Moving over to make room for a sister-wife is always difficult. But when we realize that God has called your husband to this understanding of plural marriage, and that she loves your husband and he loves her (though differently than the love he has for you), we can do this. And now, Jan and I are soul sisters again, best friends, and enjoy our lives with Ron.
Now, however, there is something new that God has thrown into our lives, a third wife. Having already gone through the upheaval of sharing a husband with a second wife, the question is: how do you move over again for another wife? With great difficulty and lots of prayers, tears, outbursts, anger (the whole gambit of emotions that you already went through), only this time the 2nd wife is the one who is suffering these feelings. And the 3rd wife (Debbie) feels alone, since Jan and I are a cohesive pair. And we want to work on making her feel loved.
This challenge really puts you on your knees before the Lord (which is, after all, a great place to be!). We have Bible studies concerning being peace makers, loving each other as fellow believers (Which we all are commanded to do in many verses in the Bible), roles of both husbands and wives, having patience with each other, etc.
I feel one of the most important attributes needed for this lifestyle is being kind one to another. If you are kind, you overlook minor differences and actions of the other wives. You must not have unrealistic expectations of the other person (after all, no one will act or react as you would).
As a practicing polygynist family, we are still learning the various skills we need within our home. Most important is the mutual love and need for the Lord. One must have understanding for the weaknesses of each other and have the grace, love, respect, patience, etc. for each other. Learn that each has value, gifts, experiences, and wisdom to share within the home and find your limits and strengths to share the burdens of running a home.
We are all very strong-willed people, quite outspoken, and hold very fervent and different opinions. We each have very different backgrounds and experiences. And it will take a lot of patience, understanding, acceptance, and, of course, plenty of prayer to create a (most often) joyful home. We have to learn to accept responsibility for our own actions and reactions, for our judgments of the others (“Well, that is not the way I would do it!” “I can’t believe you said, or did that…”), to really be long-suffering and tolerant, to try to treat each other with respect and love, listening for the pain, the joy, the need, etc, in each other, and to follow the golden rule: Treat others [esp. within the family] as you would like to be treated. Learn to laugh at yourself (don’t take yourself so seriously, life is too short! [Very difficult for me]) And be in prayer constantly, asking the Holy Spirit to guide and protect each of your minds and hearts from causing or receiving pain.
Ask yourself, ‘How can I help my sister-wives be everything they can be and what can I do for them today?’ And do know not to bash them over the head with this or that scripture or condemn them for their failings, remembering you also have many shortcomings. Try your best to love each other through the transitions of life. And always BE KIND.
We are still learning these various skills. Every day we have new challenges and we grow as we learn what works and what doesn’t. The way that I see life is to try and be a blessing to others. I know that we, as believers, all need to give and receive love.
And we try to live as St. Francis of Assisi taught:
(Prayer of St. Francis
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is Hatred, let me sow Love.
Where there is Injury, Pardon.
Where there is Doubt, Faith.
Where there is Despair, Hope.
Where there is Darkness, Light, and
Where there is Sadness, Joy.
O Divine Master,
Grant that I may not so much
seek to be consoled as to console;
To be understood, as to understand;
To be loved, as to love;
For it is in giving that we receive,
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.)
With God in control, it will be easier to reach our goals of having a harmonious family. This will take work on everyone's part, but I know that we are all up to the task. And in His time, we will see the fruit of our efforts.
(Check out Maranatha’s song “IN HIS TIME”
Verse 1:
In His time, in His time,
He makes all things beautiful,
Lord, please show me every day,
As You're teaching me Your way,
That You do just what You say, in Your time.
Verse 2:
In Your time, in Your time,
You make all things beautiful, in Your time.
Lord, my life to You I bring,
May each song I have to sing,
Be to You a lovely thing, in Your time")
Now, on to laugh, to cry, to pray, to practice what we already learned, and to share love (even when we feel unloving to the other wife or wives), and then we know that all things will fall into place as God planned for our lives.
And most importantly, we will love each other.
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