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Support 1st wife doesn't like this current girl because the kids wont look like her. What do i do?

M

Mr.M

New Member
She had way more of a problem with the 1st girl we courted who did look like her. We had a 2nd wife for a while and they got along but my 1st wife was saying hate to me the whole time. She isn't being hateful to me anymore, but she is in pain and says its worse because this girl wont make kids that look like they could be hers. She tells me she doesn't want me to dump her because she knows i like the girl alot, but my wife is in alot of pain.

Should i submit to her out of fear of Him and dump this girl to lessen my 1st wifes pain? Or is that heeding the voice of my 1st wife and i should just build my family and be happy?
My priority is not sinning, I don't want to deal treachoursly with the wife of my youth. I'm confused if doing this would be sinful/treacherous at all. She says its not but i want to be sure.

Malachi 2
13 And this is the second thing you do: you cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and crying;
So He does not regard the offering anymore, nor receive it with goodwill from your hands.
14 Yet you say, “For what reason?” Because the Lord has been witness Between you and the wife of your youth,
With whom you have dealt treacherously; Yet she is your companion And your wife by covenant.
15 But did He not make them one, having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring.
Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.
16 “For the Lord God of Israel says That He hates divorce, For it covers one’s garment with violence,”
Says the Lord of hosts. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, That you do not deal treacherously.”
 
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Mr.M said:
My priority is not sinning,
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Good, then don’t.
Mr.M said:
I don't want to deal treachoursly with the wife of my youth
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You have at least 2 and possibly 3 wives at this point. Don’t deal treacherously with any of them.
Dumping any of them because your “first” wife is feeling pain would be dealing treacherously with the one being dumped. It’s not an option.

Edit; it kinda feels like your “first” wife is the real one and any others are optional. You need to drop that thinking. Every woman that you have married is equally your wife until they marry another or you have found a Scriptural reason.
 
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steve said:
Good, then don’t.

You have at least 2 and possibly 3 wives at this point. Don’t deal treacherously with any of them.
Dumping any of them because your “first” wife is feeling pain would be dealing treacherously with the one being dumped. It’s not an option.
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The 2nd wife committed adultery and is divorced, i have 1 wife currently. This new girl is not my wife yet, she is just a girl in the faith. Now that you have the full picture, what should i do?
 
@Mr.M, it was really hard to follow your post, I didn't even know if you were talking about two or three women, and which ones you'd slept with. @steve was not making things up, he was genuinely confused. Thankyou for clarifying.

It's really simple.
- If you haven't slept with her, feel free to dump her if you think that's best, she's just a girlfriend.
- If you've slept with her, she's your wife. You cannot just dump her, this is as serious as your first marriage. She's a wife. There are grounds on which you could divorce her, but "my first wife doesn't like her" is certainly not one of them. You have to make this work.

So, you are free to dump her if you think that is best. However, your wife's objection, about race, is a very shallow one and quite unfair. Bear in mind though that she may have a more serious reason to object but one that she doesn't want to actually say, so she is raising this superficial objection instead as an excuse. Talk deeply with your wife and make sure you know what is really going on.
 
Post is very hard to follow. It's hard to tell if there are 3 women or two.

If you slept with any of the 3 women, you must make them wives. It's too late, you did the deed. Regardless if the first wife is angry, you can't dispose of the other women. They are equally wives. This is why it's so important to not have sex, before you're ready to commit to marriage.

If you haven't slept with the other woman/women, you can break up with them. At that point, you can take your first wife into account, and not take on more wives. I'm not saying you have to do what your first wife wants you to do, but it is an option. She is your current wife.

It sounds like your first wife needs to grow some more. Maybe take some time and pause the new wife search and help her grow in her understanding of the word.

If you have slept with the 2nd/3rd woman, it's incumbent on you to figure out how to make it work.
 
FollowingHim said:
@Mr.M, it was really hard to follow your post, I didn't even know if you were talking about two or three women, and which ones you'd slept with. @steve was not making things up, he was genuinely confused. Thankyou for clarifying.

It's really simple.
- If you haven't slept with her, feel free to dump her if you think that's best, she's just a girlfriend.
- If you've slept with her, she's your wife. You cannot just dump her, this is as serious as your first marriage. She's a wife. There are grounds on which you could divorce her, but "my first wife doesn't like her" is certainly not one of them. You have to make this work.

So, you are free to dump her if you think that is best. However, your wife's objection, about race, is a very shallow one and quite unfair. Bear in mind though that she may have a more serious reason to object but one that she doesn't want to actually say, so she is raising this superficial objection instead as an excuse. Talk deeply with your wife and make sure you know what is reall
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NBTX11 said:
Post is very hard to follow. It's hard to tell if there are 3 women or two.

If you slept with any of the 3 women, you must make them wives. It's too late, you did the deed. Regardless if the first wife is angry, you can't dispose of the other women. They are equally wives. This is why it's so important to not have sex, before you're ready to commit to marriage.

If you haven't slept with the other woman/women, you can break up with them. At that point, you can take your first wife into account, and not take on more wives. I'm not saying you have to do what your first wife wants you to do, but it is an option. She is your current wife.

It sounds like your first wife needs to grow some more. Maybe take some time and pause the new wife search and help her grow in her understanding of the word.

If you have slept with the 2nd/3rd woman, it's incumbent on you to figure out how to make it work.
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1st wife is now saying she is going to try to be her friend. thanks for the advice, i dont think your correct about sex being marriage. I haven't had sex before marriage but there are examples of men in the bible having sex and it not being marriage. Ex. Judah and tamar.

Genesis 38
15 When Judah saw her, he thought she was a harlot, because she had covered her face.
16 Then he turned to her by the way, and said, “Please let me come in to you”; for he did not know that she was his daughter-in-law.
So she said, “What will you give me, that you may come in to me?”
17 And he said, “I will send a young goat from the flock.” So she said, “Will you give me a pledge till you send it?”
18 Then he said, “What pledge shall I give you?”
So she said, “Your signet and cord, and your staff that is in your hand.” Then he gave them to her, and went in to her, and she conceived by him.
19 So she arose and went away, and laid aside her veil and put on the garments of her widowhood
20 And Judah sent the young goat by the hand of his friend the Adullamite, to receive his pledge from the woman’s hand, but he did not find her.
21 Then he asked the men of that place, saying, “Where is the harlot who was openly by the roadside?”
And they said, “There was no harlot in this place.”
22 So he returned to Judah and said, “I cannot find her. Also, the men of the place said there was no harlot in this place.”
23 Then Judah said, “Let her take them for herself, lest we be shamed; for I sent this young goat and you have not found her.”
24 And it came to pass, about three months after, that Judah was told, saying, “Tamar your daughter-in-law has played the harlot; furthermore she is with child by harlotry.” So Judah said, “Bring her out and let her be burned!”
 
Mr.M said:
i dont think your correct about sex being marriage.
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I didn't say it was. This is a matter of debate. There are arguments on both sides, as to whether it constitutes marriage or not. What I said was "If you slept with any of the 3 women, you must make them wives". This is sound advice whether you believe sex is marriage or not. I didn't say they were 100 percent wives (debatable), I said you must make them wives. It's too late to back out of that. Once you have sexual relations with her, she is yours permanently, whether you want to back out or not. You have made a one flesh union with her. Do not cast her aside.
 
Mr.M said:
I haven't had sex before marriage but there are examples of men in the bible having sex and it not being marriage. Ex. Judah and tamar.
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What does that have to do with anything?
Are you just trolling here?
 
Mr.M said:
Should i submit to her out of fear of Him and dump this girl to lessen my 1st wifes pain?
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You submitting to wife will make you less dominant, therefore less masculine therefore increasing chances of divorce.

Don't know what to do for wife's pain.

Also something is seriously wrong if your wife hated women who did adultery. There are big issues here (hatred and adultery) and it's highly likely you haven't fixed what has lead to both.
 
MemeFan said:
You submitting to wife will make you less dominant, therefore less masculine therefore increasing chances of divorce.

Don't know what to do for wife's pain.

Also something is seriously wrong if your wife hated women who did adultery. There are big issues here (hatred and adultery) and it's highly likely you haven't fixed what has lead to both.
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I agree, unless its out of fear of HIM.

Ephesians 5
21 submitting to one another in the fear of God.

Genesis 16
5 Then Sarai said to Abram, “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my slave in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me.”
6 “Your slave is in your hands,” Abram said. “Do with her whatever you think best.” Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her.


Wife hated me for polygyny, she has stopped and were better now, but thats what i meant.
 
NBTX11 said:
I didn't say it was. This is a matter of debate. There are arguments on both sides, as to whether it constitutes marriage or not. What I said was "If you slept with any of the 3 women, you must make them wives". This is sound advice whether you believe sex is marriage or not. I didn't say they were 100 percent wives (debatable), I said you must make them wives. It's too late to back out of that. Once you have sexual relations with her, she is yours permanently, whether you want to back out or not. You have made a one flesh union with her. Do not cast her aside.
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Scripture? This seems to go against scripture where men have whores for there desire, what verse are you basing this off of?
 
Ephesians 5:31 says That a man will leave his Father and mother and cleave to his wife and the two shall be one flesh.
Personally, I believe a one flesh union happens at sexual intercourse. I believe this based off above scripture as well as we see that Joesph abstained from sexual intimacy with Mary until after she had given birth to Jesus and was past the ceremonial law for purification. This created a one flesh union. Once you create a one flesh union with another person you are married to them. It really is that simple.
Also, the other issue I am seeing is headship. We can’t ram polygyny through with a battering ram but if you only currently have one wife and she is not receptive to polygyny we need to slow down because now you are getting not only the feelings of your wife or wives involved but also a potential wife. As women we are emotional beings and we need to have a strong head who will lead with patience and gentleness but who will also speak truth to us and calm our doubts and fears. It sounds like your wife or wives are not ready for this yet.
 
Mr.M said:
Scripture? This seems to go against scripture where men have whores for there desire, what verse are you basing this off of?
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Exodus 22:16-17
“If a man entices a virgin who is not betrothed, and lies with her, he shall surely pay the bride-price for her to be his wife.
“If her father utterly refuses to give her to him, he shall pay money according to the bride-price of virgins.

Basically, you break it, you bought it. If you have sex with a virgin you are obliged to take her as a wife.

That is why the church has always taught "don't have sex before marriage". Not because sex before marriage is prohibited as such, but because sex before marriage creates an obligation to marry. And marriage is a very serious decision, which you should make calmly. So advising no sex before marriage forces people to take marriage seriously and make this decision calmly, not in a moment of lust.

Now, some also believe that sex = marriage, which you are disputing. That debate is irrelevant. Whether sex creates a marriage, or creates an obligation to get married, the result is the same - if you sleep with her, you are stuck with her.

If she's not a virgin things get a little more complex but, after consideration, you'll find the end result is basically the same - if she's truly available, and you sleep with her, the morally correct thing to do is still to take her as your wife. Just shortcutting to the end of a potentially long discussion there.


I think you are misunderstanding and reading too much into Judah and Tamar. This is not an example of prostitution, as Tamar is not a prostitute. She is a widow, she only sleeps with Judah, and afterwards he takes her into his family and supports both her and her children. If she was a prostitute she would have slept with more men, but she did not. She just dressed up as a prostitute. It's marriage, just a weird example of marriage because it began in deception and sex does not appear to have continued. But that deception does not make it any less a marriage.
 
Mr.M said:
I agree, unless its out of fear of HIM.

Ephesians 5
21 submitting to one another in the fear of God.

Genesis 16
5 Then Sarai said to Abram, “You are responsible for the wrong I am suffering. I put my slave in your arms, and now that she knows she is pregnant, she despises me. May the Lord judge between you and me.”
6 “Your slave is in your hands,” Abram said. “Do with her whatever you think best.” Then Sarai mistreated Hagar; so she fled from her.


Wife hated me for polygyny, she has stopped and were better now, but thats what i meant.
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You have issue with wife attraction towards you.

Quoting Scripture isn't something helpful in this situation.
 
FollowingHim said:
That is why the church has always taught "don't have sex before marriage". Not because sex before marriage is prohibited as such, but because sex before marriage creates an obligation to marry. And marriage is a very serious decision, which you should make calmly. So advising no sex before marriage forces people to take marriage seriously and make this decision calmly, not in a moment of lust.
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Except humanity faces possible extinction thanks to this.

Everybody is so obssessed with not making marriage "mistake" and especially making children too early so that today's couples don't enough time to create sufficient children for their replacement.
 
MemeFan said:
Except humanity faces possible extinction thanks to this.

Everybody is so obssessed with not making marriage "mistake" and especially making children too early so that today's couples don't enough time to create sufficient children for their replacement.
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@MemeFan, this thread is offering marital counselling to someone on a real world situation. Let's not get distracted into broader philosophical questions here, let's stick to offering practical advice to @Mr.M about his actual situation. Start a new thread for that if you want to discuss it.
 
FollowingHim said:
@MemeFan, this thread is offering marital counselling to someone on a real world situation. Let's not get distracted into broader philosophical questions here, let's stick to offering practical advice to @Mr.M about his actual situation. Start a new thread for that if you want to discuss it.
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Well, I did find a connection.

Desire not to make the mistake causes men to be slow which makes them look not decisive which could be causing issues.

If @Mr.M isn't certain exactly how much wives he has for weeks, well add negative point into decisivness.
 
MemeFan said:
Well, I did find a connection.

Desire not to make the mistake causes men to be slow which makes them look not decisive which could be causing issues.

If @Mr.M isn't certain exactly how much wives he has for weeks, well add negative point into decisivness.
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If you want to keep digging the hole deeper, you might want to jump over to the well discussion……
 
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