Support New to all this and afraid to speak publicly

[indigenouspolygynist]

Invite your potential over for dinner and discuss it with your wife present. That makes it clear that the whole thing is honest and open on your part.

May I ask the ages of yourself, your wife, and your potential?

I wasn't originally planning to share this much info, but at this point, anyone who knows us will recognize us from our comments anyway. I'm 37. My wife is 33 and the other lady is 28.

We did invite her for dinner. She said she would like to come visit once things are resolved with her mom. Her mom has been gravely ill and she's been taking care of her. She lives almost two hours away, so there's no such thing as a quick visit.

After our last interaction though, I'm not sure if she's comfortable with that. She seemed very uncomfortable to be around my wife when they met. It seems like this is going to go nowhere until I make my intentions clear because she's going to be respectful of our marriage.

 

[MeganC]

I wasn't originally planning to share this much info, but at this point, anyone who knows us will recognize us from our comments anyway. I'm 37. My wife is 33 and the other lady is 28.

We did invite her for dinner. She said she would like to come visit once things are resolved with her mom. Her mom has been gravely ill and she's been taking care of her. She lives almost two hours away, so there's no such thing as a quick visit.

After our last interaction though, I'm not sure if she's comfortable with that. She seemed very uncomfortable to be around my wife when they met. It seems like this is going to go nowhere until I make my intentions clear because she's going to be respectful of our marriage.

She might be more comfortable after you explain your intentions. Right now she no doubt can tell that you're interested in her and she's correctly reserved since you're married. Once it's explained that you want to welcome her into your family she may have one of those "Oh, that makes sense!" epiphanies where she realizes that the feelings she saw in you and (perhaps) her own feelings for you are not a matter of conflict.

Maybe they can be a matter of joy.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

She might be more comfortable after you explain your intentions. Right now she no doubt can tell that you're interested in her and she's correctly reserved since you're married. Once it's explained that you want to welcome her into your family she may have one of those "Oh, that makes sense!" epiphanies where she realizes that the feelings she saw in you and (perhaps) her own feelings for you are not a matter of conflict.

Maybe they can be a matter of joy.

How would you recommend we tell her? I was thinking about a letter from the two of us. She's from a very conservative background and I highly doubt this is something that's even crossed her mind as a possibility. Her dad is a preacher from a very legalistic denomination that doesn't support plural marriage.

 

[MemeFan]

How would you recommend we tell her? I was thinking about a letter from the two of us. She's from a very conservative background and I highly doubt this is something that's even crossed her mind as a possibility. Her dad is a preacher from a very legalistic denomination that doesn't support plural marriage.

Tell her in person.

Because you will be able to see her reaction. Because, if it goes wrong you can do damage control in real time. Because you can set expectations.

I sense you are avoiding one thing you need to do. Have a talk with her.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

Tell her in person.

Because you will be able to see her reaction. Because, if it goes wrong you can do damage control in real time. Because you can set expectations.

I sense you are avoiding one thing you need to do. Have a talk with her.

I disagree. I think it's such an uncomfortable topic, it would be better to let her be alone when she finds out and give her time to process it before needing to give a response, if she chooses to respond at all. I would make it clear that no response is also ok.

 

[MemeFan]

Perhaps one reason because salt looses it's saltines.

Then the question will have to be asked what it means to be salty.

And Muslims are salty or they are willing to use violence on offenders.

If you don't defend yourself, you are giving others permission to abuse you.

You speak like Zealot from first century in Israel. Are you positive that your passion is not misplaced. Consider taking your own advice.

No. You are assuming issue has only religious dimension. It has too political, legal and cultural etc...

If reglious was only dimension, they revival would fix everything.

Do you understand that if commies seize power, they will gladly visit you on homestead and shoot you and all of your family?

And if you get revival without fixing anything else, commies im heart will still shoot you on your homestead in name of liberation theology.

You can't defend yourself alone in long run. You aren't Rambo.

 

[MemeFan]

I disagree. I think it's such an uncomfortable topic, it would be better to let her be alone when she finds out and give her time to process it before needing to give a response, if she chooses to respond at all. I would make it clear that no response is also ok.

You don't have second wife because you can't ask for it. That's whole story. Nothing more needs to be added.

You are assuming it must be uncomfortable for her. Why? You are admitting you desire her. What woman wants to unwanted? None. That's compliment (in a way).

Maybe you are one who is uncomfortable?

If your altitude is, will she be OK, comfortable, feeling creepy, then is never good reason to meet any woman because she may feel something bad.

Pick you balls from floor and impose your will upon from situation. Talk to her about your desires. Her emotions and her reactions are her problem, not your.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

You don't have second wife because you can't ask for it. That's whole story. Nothing more needs to be added.

You are assuming it must be uncomfortable for her. Why? You are admitting you desire her. What woman wants to unwanted? None. That's compliment (in a way).

Maybe you are one who is uncomfortable?

If your altitude is, will she be OK, comfortable, feeling creepy, then is never good reason to meet any woman because she may feel something bad.

Pick you balls from floor and impose your will upon from situation. Talk to her about your desires. Her emotions and her reactions are her problem, not your.

No offense, but I'll wait for a woman or a married man to chime in instead.

I'm not uncomfortable with having the conversation. I've already done it with my wife. My concern is that I don't want her to feel pressured to form any kind of response. She's probably going to be in shock. It would probably be very awkward hearing it from me in person because she would feel the need to say something or control her reaction in front of me. I'd rather let her respond on her own terms if she does at all.

 

[HannahMiller]

And Muslims are salty or they are willing to use violence on offenders.

If you don't defend yourself, you are giving others permission to abuse you.



No. You are assuming issue has only religious dimension. It has too political, legal and cultural etc...

If reglious was only dimension, they revival would fix everything.

Do you understand that if commies seize power, they will gladly visit you on homestead and shoot you and all of your family?

And if you get revival without fixing anything else, commies im heart will still shoot you on your homestead in name of liberation theology.

You can't defend yourself alone in long run. You aren't Rambo.

There is so much fear in this response. Breathe! God is in control. He fights your battles when you surrender and submit to Him. You are safe! Christianity is peace and love not fear and violence.

 

[HannahMiller]

No offense, but I'll wait for a woman or a married man to chime in instead.

I'm not uncomfortable with having the conversation. I've already done it with my wife. My concern is that I don't want her to feel pressured to form any kind of response. She's probably going to be in shock. It would probably be very awkward hearing it from me in person because she would feel the need to say something or control her reaction in front of me. I'd rather let her respond on her own terms if she does at all.

You will know how best to do it when and if the time comes. To protect this other woman, who sounds like she has a huge emotional load already, it would probally be best for her, if she was approached only when and if your household has the capacity to contain her.

 

[MemeFan]

You will know how best to do it when and if the time comes. To protect this other woman, who sounds like she has a huge emotional load already, it would probally be best for her, if she was approached only when and if your household has the capacity to contain her.

By the time he fixes his household, she could already find better more masculine man.

 

[MemeFan]

There is so much fear in this response. Breathe! God is in control. He fights your battles when you surrender and submit to Him. You are safe! Christianity is peace and love not fear and violence.

And what about those 4 El Salvadorean tehnicians who were kidnapped by gangs?

What we should do? Prayer and post?

I recommed:

 

[MemeFan]

No offense, but I'll wait for a woman or a married man to chime in instead.

I'm not uncomfortable with having the conversation. I've already done it with my wife. My concern is that I don't want her to feel pressured to form any kind of response. She's probably going to be in shock. It would probably be very awkward hearing it from me in person because she would feel the need to say something or control her reaction in front of me. I'd rather let her respond on her own terms if she does at all.

I wasn't writing about your wife.

I'm only one here trying advising you be more masculine. And you want to listen to "experts" because these have results. Lol.

Did you even check state of their marriages? Are they afraid of wife? Are they servants of wife? Will they piss of wife because they want and demand better of her?

Will they stand for what they believe?

Being married today means you have female willing to live in same house as man. But is female behaving as wife or sister?

And you don't know anything about me. My real history, my fights and my decision to delay finding wife.

So you think you know who is to be advisor. Maybe look at advice itself next time.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

By the time he fixes his household, she could already find better more masculine man.

I wasn't writing about your wife.

I'm only one here trying advising you be more masculine. And you want to listen to "experts" because these have results. Lol.

Did you even check state of their marriages? Are they afraid of wife? Are they servants of wife? Will they piss of wife because they want and demand better of her?

Will they stand for what they believe?

Being married today means you have female willing to live in same house as man. But is female behaving as wife or sister?

And you don't know anything about me. My real history, my fights and my decision to delay finding wife.

So you think you know who is to be advisor. Maybe look at advice itself next time.

I don't mean to criticize you, but you're not qualified to give advice on this topic. You could be right, but I'd rather hear it from someone with relevant experience.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

You will know how best to do it when and if the time comes. To protect this other woman, who sounds like she has a huge emotional load already, it would probally be best for her, if she was approached only when and if your household has the capacity to contain her.

You make some great points here. Is it even wide to add this additional stress to her while she's already going through such a rough period of her life? On the other hand, what if her mom dies? It definitely wouldn't be appropriate to lay this on her while she's grieving. And then you have to wonder how long do you have to wait after that for it to be appropriate.

I know that from this thread, it sounds like our house is full of drama. It's actually really not. We have some issues like everyone else, but our house is normally harmonious. This is just an extremely stressful period for my wife because we're dealing with a new baby, a surgery, upcoming holidays that always bring family stress, then this issue of plural marriage on top of that. (I originally brought up this issue 2-3 months ago, before some of these stresses existed.)

Once I'm recovered from the surgery and she has a chance to get some more time to herself, things will calm down. I'm also encouraging her to make the holidays less stressful this year by just going to a restaurant or ordering pizza.

Holidays are always stressful for her because we feel some level of obligation to see some of the dysfunctional people in our lives, and she wants to have everything perfect to avoid criticism. That means cleaning the house and cooking lots of food. I'd be happy to just call it all off this year. We have enough on our plate already.

 

[Mojo]

I don't mean to criticize you, but you're not qualified to give advice on this topic. You could be right, but I'd rather hear it from someone with relevant experience.

In person is best, in my opinion. It would show your strength and sincerity. If it’s a letter, she might wonder who wrote it and it’s passive. Be assertive.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

In person is best, in my opinion. It would show your strength and sincerity. If it’s a letter, she might wonder who wrote it and it’s passive. Be assertive.

@MeganC @julieb @Joleneakamama

Do you ladies agree? Would it be better to talk to her in person or to hand her a letter so she can process everything in private without feeling the need to respond right away?

 

[Transformator Reformator]

It would be best (I think and hope that will be true for my situation) if your first wife communicates your intentions to your potential wife. This would be cool.

Let your wife evangelize to your potential what an amazing husband you are. Let her share good news.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

It would be best (I think and hope that will be true for my situation) if your first wife communicates your intentions to your potential wife. This would be cool.

Let your wife evangelize to your potential what an amazing husband you are. Let her share good news.

One advantage of a letter is that it would be from both of us. If we do it in person, it can only be one of us because of the kids. I'm not sure which route is best.

 

[indigenouspolygynist]

I should also make it clear that this letter or conversation is not a marriage proposal or even a love letter. It's just letting her know that this is something we're considering and that we would like to get to know her more.